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AIBU?

To want to know when BIL is dropping by?

74 replies

Helgathehairy · 08/06/2016 15:25

I know this is trivial but I'm hot and pregnant and possibly too easily annoyed.

BIL lives 25 mins drive away - not far in the grand scheme of things. He has never called and asked am I home (I'm a SAHM), he just calls if I'm not home. (DH had a word about the phone calls because I'd answer the phone and his exact words used to be "hello, where are you" in almost a rude tone of voice).

AIBU to just want a bit of notice. Today I just noticed him in time to put my bra back on!
Also if the front door is unlocked he'll just walk straight in even though I've told him he's frightened me a few times.

OP posts:

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SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 16:13

People shouldn't just walk into your house. Who the hell does he think he is?

Get your DH to tell him stop it and to contact you in advance/knock on the fucking door like a normal person.

But, sorry, I do think you need to stop forgetting to lock the door, if him walking in is annoying you so much.

Helgathehairy · 08/06/2016 16:21

He does live at home. He's 40 and unemployed. I think he just gets bored. He DEFINATELY doesn't have a crush on me. . He likes polished slim women (who he calls honeys (shudder)) and I'm a bit of a chubby scruff.

I don't want him to come off too badly in this. I think part of the issue is he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. And feel like he's invading my space a bit when he doesn't check to see if it's OK to come round.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 16:22

And feel like he's invading my space a bit when he doesn't check to see if it's OK to come round.

And you've every right to feel that way, even if he doesn't mean any harm.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 08/06/2016 16:38

I hate popperinners. My family live local and I see my sisters a few times a week but we always send a text first to check its okay to call in. Its just polite. I don't answer the door or phone unless I want to see people. All my friends are the same. We still stroll into each others houses and put the kettle on etc, but the time is prearranged, even if only by a text 5 minutes earlier.

TBH op, it sound more like he is using your house as somewhere to doss about for a bit and generally using your place as it suits him. I wouldn't want to see someone at all under those circumstances!

SanityClause · 08/06/2016 16:40

So he turns up, and it's awkward because you have to make small talk?

I would say, don't make small talk. Politely answer him when he speaks, or speak if you have something to say, and other than that, just don't speak.

And just get on with what you were doing.

In other words, stop treating him like a guest, and treat him like family.

Once you do this, his visits will cease to be a problem.

If he rings and asks where you are, tell him. But don't feel obliged to change your plans. If he's called in for a specific purpose, then he'll have to call back. And if he's just called in because he has nowhere better to be, tough - he should have checked you were going to be in.

In other words, treat him as casually as he treats you.

nonline · 08/06/2016 16:51

This is my problem with in-laws (who have a key). I don't mind seeing them but would appreciate them at least using the doorbell (that's what it's for?!) if not a quick 'we are coming by' phone call. Sometimes I just hear the back door opening and before I know it they are on the sofa.

DP considers me unreasonable (and I made a fuss once and upset MiL) so I have to put up with it.

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 16:52

DP considers me unreasonable (and I made a fuss once and upset MiL) so I have to put up with it.

No you don't! Why does he (and his mother) decide what goes on the house that is YOURS as well as his?

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 16:52

I'd give them one warning and then take the key off them, or change the locks.

nonline · 08/06/2016 16:53

SanityClause "In other words, stop treating him like a guest, and treat him like family."

We have soooo many arguments based around me being more casual/less polite to in-laws - which I argue is an illustration of my acceptance of them as family ;-)

Savemefromwine · 08/06/2016 16:58

Would hate this. And you shouldn't have to keel your door locked if it's inconvenient with the dog.

Tell him and reiterate no Un announced drop ins. No excuses. Not on. Tell your dh to be firm with him too.

nonline · 08/06/2016 16:59

Sapphire Too far gone now I think...it is useful for them to have a key when we are away etc. I think they think they are doing me a favour (e.g. if feeding) but I don't consider letting yourself in when you assume occupant is home a suitable use of spare key!

Savemefromwine · 08/06/2016 16:59

I have keys to my dils house and would never ever just let myself in unannounced unless for a bloody good reason.

How bloody rude

timelytess · 08/06/2016 17:02

Firstly, always lock the doors to your house. Make it a habit. Having a dog is no excuse for lax security.

Then, make some ground rules. He books ahead to visit. So does everyone else. Clear, simple. If they turn up unannounced, "I'm so sorry, it isn't convenient right now. If only you'd called. Give me a ring next week."

His behaviour is genuinely a problem but you have the solution.

SapphireStrange · 08/06/2016 17:03

I don't consider letting yourself in when you assume occupant is home a suitable use of spare key!

Well, no. Which is what they need telling.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 08/06/2016 17:14

DH needs to have a word with his DB. BIL must phone before dropping in. If he is told a visit is not convenient then he doesn't show up.

If this doesn't happen then you need to be very firm when he does show up and tell him to leave. Or make sure the door is locked for the next few weeks and don't answer it.

Goodness knows what you should do if this lot doesn't work though.

ShootingStar75 · 08/06/2016 17:21

Yanbu Bil used to do that with us too, only as he lives 4 hours away it used to be a case of him walking in with his overnight bag to stay for several days at a time without the courtesy to even check it was okay. He then got the rage when asked to call and check first as dh worked away so more often then not it was me and the dc's he was imposing himself on (youngest of whom was not even a year old), apparently it was unreasonable of me to expect him to 'book appointments' to come and see his brother/nieces and also to have to ask to visit his own brothers home needless to say that relationship barely recovered from my side, I do what I have to for family harmony.

sadie9 · 08/06/2016 17:22

You have to nip this in the bud. I have a relative who does/did this. Just say I wonder would you mind calling or texting first to see are we here. That's what I did. Never saw them again. Brilliant.
Not anymore. It's all about control. They don't want to ask you can they come over. It's on their terms when they see you. They automatically assume that anytime is a good time. It ain't. Not when you have drop everything and make a cup of tea to humour them...and listen to them tell you all about themselves, and their boring lawnmower story, while not noticing that you are doing homework with a kid or standing in the hall wrapped in a towel with water dripping off you...
No wonder people are lying behind sofas in the middle of the day as soon as a car pulls up.

ijustwannadance · 08/06/2016 17:37

There us no excuse these days for not texting or phoning someone to see if it convenient to pop round.

There are people who love visiting/entertaining and there are those, like me, who hate people dropping in unannounced or invading their privacy or personal free time.

He is clearly bored and getting out of the house. I also think he is very rude.
I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he must contact you before coming round to see if convenient. But then I would also be telling him not to come round unless his brother is in too.

crayfish · 08/06/2016 17:40

I hate popper inners too. I don't mind having visitors but a courtesy text asking if we're free wouldn't go amiss. BIL is very similar, we live on his way home from work so he's always dropping by. It's awkward because I'm always here alone, his chat isn't very good and he's no good with DS. I always have to stop whatever I'm doing to make tea and small talk.

I think he's lonely to be fair, but I think it's basic manners to check if it's convenient before calling round. Mind you, all my in laws are like this - often you get a quite distant relative dropping in for no apparent reason.

Notso · 08/06/2016 17:41

I hate it when people phone asking where we are. Hate it. In laws do it all the time and if we are close they will demand to know how much longer we will be and phone again and again to see if we are on the way back.
They all live to a different schedule to us. Up and out early so often on s weekend they 'pop in' while we are just getting up.
Once BIL called round at 7:00 am for a money off coupon we said he could have. DS1 let them in and him and SIL came upstairs to our bedroom to ask us where it was. At least they stopped buying me pyjamas for Christmas after witnessing first hand that I sleep naked

Helgathehairy · 08/06/2016 18:25

Oh The asking how long we'll be! If I am out when BIL calls and he phones me he'll sometimes ask how long I'll be! A while back he called DH on a Saturday - we'd gone to a food festival and sounded quite put out that we weren't going to be rushing back to see him.

OP posts:

LilacInn · 08/06/2016 18:35

He sounds like a selfish, immature and inconsiderate mooch. Your DH needs to straighten him out. He's using your household as some sort of convenient way station in his travels, or as a place to kill time at the expense of your peace, quiet, privacy and autonomy. Not acceptable.

Customs vary but no one in my friends or family circles is remotely OK with unnannounced popping in - it's just not something we would do to one another. People shouldn't go where they are not expressly invited.

If your husband, for example, offers to lend his brother the pressure washer, that conversation should include "So, let's confirm, you will be over at 7 p.m. on Tuesday to pick it up? I'll let Helga know."

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Helgathehairy · 08/06/2016 18:40

I've said it to DH and he said he'll say it to BIL. Which he will but he's said it before and BIL did it for a while and then stopped.

It's just an issue now because he's doing it much more than normal. He'd normally call of an evening maybe once a week but it's been about 4 times during the day in the last 2 weeks.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 09/06/2016 10:27

he's doing it much more than normal. He'd normally call of an evening maybe once a week but it's been about 4 times during the day in the last 2 weeks.

OK, well then he REALLY needs to stop doing it! Tell your DH again. And lock the door.

Savemefromwine · 09/06/2016 10:35

Notso fucking hell thats insane behaviour. Would be livid.

Op you need to really stand firm.lock your doors and when he next calls shout out of the window 'sorry busy you should have called first' or just lay low. If he has a key take it Away. Repeat and repeat and he will get the message.

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