to let this friendship drift

[Hotpointdishwasher]

Friend of a good twenty years standing, lived together at college, godparents to each other's children etc. I moved away and settled here with DH and the kids, she stayed put. I'm thinking if letting things drift because she is such a flake. It makes me so sad. She's visited here twice, each time it's started as "I'll come and give you a hand." First time I'd just had twins and also had two older ones, and was glad of the help, but then at the last minute she decided she couldn't face the drive alone, and brought her husband and her own two kids. They are all delightful but I was in absolutely no shape for hosting a family visit! Her husband got the picture very quickly and they retreated home but it left me feeling like I had let them down somehow whereas actually she had changed what was arranged.

The second time was for a family party of ours. The invitations included lists of hotels and b&bs, we are very well catered for as there are several tourist attractions nearby. They booked one 10 miles away, got there by train and DH had to go and pick them up. I don't know why they didn't pick a local one, but they said this was £20 cheaper, which they then spent getting a taxi back!

Anyway since then there have been several meet ups planned. My childcare arrangements are complex, I need notice to get out. She's given me dates twice and cancelled twice in the last year, both times I had booked childcare.

The final straw has been yet another planned meet up, but then as usual she tries to change the plan. So what started as her getting the train to the big city nearby, my meeting her and bringing her home here, was changed by a) a week, so out if half term meaning I'm restricted by the school run whereas at half term I can book KidsClub and
B) she wants to drive down with her husband and kids, who are now young teens, and they'll go for a walk whilst she comes to see me. Oh and they'll call and see some relatives who live nearby. (For nearby, read 90 mins drive.)

I can't decide if she just has no idea of geography, or time/distance, or is a massive flake.

WWYD?

[Hotpointdishwasher]

I'm going to have to be much more firm. DH goes mad about it because she does it every time and every time I get upset! That's my fault though, for believing her the first time! Argh!!!

[EverySongbirdSays]

Forgive me if I've misunderstood hotpoint but this sounds very much on your terms like you are quite happy for her to come and be with you, your husband and your children, but feel put out and pissed off if she brings her husband or her children too?

I'm assuming coming to see you alone means giving up family time?

[Hotpointdishwasher]

God no, I want to get away from my husband and kids and catch up with her! That's why it made sense if she came at half term because I could despatch the kids for the entire day whereas in school time, I'm stuck with the school run and after school stuff.

[NoMudNoLotus]

Hotpoint I tried so hard to patch it up but she ignored all cards and emails.

I honestly think because she couldn't see my illness ( I hide it very well) she just could believe/ understand that I felt so poorly.

I asked her if I could continue god parenting and she said no .

It still hurts. And has really made me defensive about new friendships.

I still haven't been with my husband as long as that friendship lasted.

I really hope you can work it OP. Don't do anything you may regret x

[Hotpointdishwasher]

I was pissed off when she brought them all when the original plan was that she was coming to help me!

[Hotpointdishwasher]

That's very sad Nomudnolotus. And for her to say you can't be a godparent anymore is particularly cruel!

[EverySongbirdSays]

Yes but maybe she wants something different out of it. I would feel considerably awkward sending my friends husbands or kids off while we had coffee, but then, I'm close with all my friends OHs

It seems like you just want YOUR FRIEND and not her family and it doesn't really work like that

[MargotLovedTom]

Have you actually said anything about it to her or are you very British about it and just sit there politely seething?

[MargotLovedTom]

Horrible grammar but ykwim.

[EverySongbirdSays]

You take a vow in a church as a godparent Lotus - you will always be godparent even if she doesn't let you be active, you can be with your godchild in spirit.

[NoMudNoLotus]

Every I just nearly let out a huge sob reading your post .

Thankyou so much for those words.

[Hotpointdishwasher]

Everydongbirdsays, no you've got the wrong impression. I love her husband and kids. But if we were all going to get together, my kids and husband too, that's a totally different arrangement!

The latest plan was that she come down alone, and we hit the winebars, I stick the kids in KidsClub, and she stay with me. Then she changed the plan, to include bringing the husband and kids and visiting some other people who are nearby, except they're not nearby at all! And the date, so I'd have to factor in my kids' school routines. So what started as "let's go on the piss" became "I'll come for coffee and sandwich but can't be long cos I've got DH and the kids waiting." It's completely different.

[Hotpointdishwasher]

I've been very British and accommodating. I should be more blunt. Sometimes I've not even realised the subtle changes till I've stood back, but this last time irked me.

[EverySongbirdSays]

So......

Your first plan was two girls on the piss

and

New plan is 90 mins whilst her DH lurks nearby ....

Have you considered that, though she may not have a health issue, she might have some deep shit going on personally and DH might have vetoed your two girls on the town malarkey for a game of soldiers? Same with him tagging along when she stayed and leaving early?

You're thinking its her and she's a flake and she's the problem.

She may not be the problem.

[EverySongbirdSays]

Lotus

Your very welcome. I have a goddaughter I don't see. It's not my doing. I also have another I'm active with. Long story. They are both equally my goddaughters in my eyes.

[serin]

It sounds like she really does want to see you but something is stopping her.

Is her DH controlling?

Maybe he doesn't like the idea of her going off drinking in wine bars with you for the day?

Or maybe he resents having to look after the DC while she enjoys herself?

[blinkowl]

There is something else going on.

I originally thought driving issues.

She's changed plans twice in a way that means she doesn't have to do the driving. It sounds to me like she has anxiety about it, she thinks it'll be OK then panics about it, hence the changes in plans and bringing DH along.

But also, what EverySongbirdSays fits too. Her DH may be massively possessive and not allow her to do what she wants.

Can you test the water to find out? It could be these reasons or something else entirely, but either way it could be that it's not about you at all, and your friend may be struggling in one way or another.

[Hotpointdishwasher]

Her DH is one of the nicest men in the planet, I've known him since they met, and believe me, she wears the pants in that house! He's never passed comment on our going out on the sauce before, and I'm more inclined to think that she hates driving, he agrees to drive her and then they "may as well stop and see Great Uncle Bulgaria whilst we are up there."

[Hotpointdishwasher]

I'll be speaking to her later this week, and will probe further. Thinking about it, the plan changing flake thing predates her husband by many years!

[EverySongbirdSays]

Could be a Street Angel/House Devil

[Hotpointdishwasher]

Possibly, but I lived with them for almost a year and never saw any sign of this whatsoever.

[LizKeen]

It could be a million reasons.

At the end of the day you know her and the dynamic. Its about weighing up what is worse. Putting up with her flakeyness or losing a life long friend.

I have been in a similar position. In the end I decided I loved her too much to let the friendship go. But she still drives me insane at times.

How do you think she would respond to you being more blunt about things?

[blinkowl]

I have a friend who is enormously flaky.

When I make plans with her, I assume they probably won't happen, and it's a bonus when they do.

I don't know why she drops out last minute all the time, but she does it to everyone, and I suspect there is some kind of anxiety issue going on.

We have a lot of shared history and I am very fond of her, so I have changed my expectations so I don't get disappointed. I would be sad to lose her friendship completely over her social issues which are her problem and not a deliberate insult to me.

[NoMudNoLotus]

Blinkowl I think that is a very compassionate and wise approach.

[Kallyno]

There could be a few reasons behind all this: (a) she's not that in to you (b) she is a real genuine flake and that doesn't change just because it is harder for you to accomodate her flakiness (c) she has some health/ wellness issues getting in the way of keeping to arrangements she has made (d) she has controlling husband issues (e) she doesn't really like the sort of arrangements you make together - perhaps she no longer wants to do girls' night on the piss sort of thing.

The first option would be the only reason for letting the friendship drift, imo. You've been friends for years and while right now your needs mean it is hard to handle how she is, in another ten years you'll be in a totally different space. As someone who has emigrated and ultimately lost all her long term friends, believe me when I say you should take the long perspective on this friendship and treasure it. When you are sharing the grandparenting years together this small period when her friendship was more cost than gain to you will be easily overlooked.

Lastly, be mindful of the impact of your husband's reaction to your frustration with the situation because it is likely to exacerbate your feelings.