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AIBU?

Aibu to ask about crying in therapy?

77 replies

Onlyonce · 01/06/2016 22:20

I am interested in different views and experiences on this as I don't have anyone in RL to talk to. I'm seeing a counsellor for a few things. Self esteem and family related in the main. Last week she said something about me being very controlled and pointed out I have never cried in front of her. To be honest I might feel better if I did! I get on well with her but I usually try not to cry when I see her. Between sessions can be hard, normally feel worse before I feel better but I think that's quite normal and part of the process. Is it just me? I might be holding back a bit with her which is maybe counter productive. I have been thinking of not going back but not sure

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Onlyonce · 03/06/2016 20:55

There's no risk of my bursting into tears on here. I can cope with it

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ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 03/06/2016 20:58

Ah, but you can cope with busting into tears too.

What's the worst that can happen? Smeared mascara and some headache the next day.

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Onlyonce · 03/06/2016 21:02

Feeling like a total wreck to the point where I can't manage to go back into work or be the mother my DD deserves at the end of each day when I pick her up.

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Onlyonce · 03/06/2016 21:06

Dp doesn't understand being emotional. I can't be upset if we are having a disagreement as he just won't engage with me. He does not know how to comfort unless it's something really obvious

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ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 03/06/2016 21:12

How do you know though?

You haven't cried in therapy, you don't know what will happen if you did.
You might be upset but you might also be relieved.

My point is, you feel stuck, you are frustrated by doing what you are doing now but you seem scared to change it.
It's tough. Good luck!

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MissMargie · 03/06/2016 21:21

DP needs some counseling too from the sound of it.

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Mellifera · 03/06/2016 21:31

OP, I'm the same and in the same situation. The only difference is that my therapist's aim is to make me cry
She knows why I don't cry, I stopped crying when I was about 10, because crying was showing weakness and I wasn't going to show anyone I was hurt.
There was a lot of hurt (physical, emotional) in my childhood. I also have food issues.
I am very controlled, which means detached from my emotions. The problem is, as long as you are detached, you can't heal. You have to go through those pushed down emotions, let them surface, deal with them with your therapist to heal. Those emotions and memories may be scary and very sad, but they are still blocking you in some way and need to be addressed.
Easier said than done, I absolutely know that.
Try to write down what you haven't told her. Maybe pick one of those things to talk about next time. Or consider just giving her the paper.
Remember there will be nothing she hasn't heard before.

You are paying for your therapy, you are making a big commitment to get better, please don't self-sabotage those efforts to get better! You are worth it.

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Onlyonce · 03/06/2016 21:41

Yep, need to do something. I've been fortunate to find a counsellor I kind of click with. I had a bad experience with one previously (basically told me that i wouldn't have a problem with food if I lived in a third world country as it would be about survival). I don't want to waste the opportunity to sort things out this time

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Janecc · 04/06/2016 03:12

If you click with her, that's great. Do you take much time off for your sickness or your daughters? Maybe if you just decide to let yourself go one time, just to see, you will be able to gauge how you feel after. If you feel too bad, you can always call in sick then, especially if this is a rare occurrence. Or take the day off and really focus on you. I imagine that's hard though unless you can easily get holiday cover as I expect you take holidays in school time. I would see the counselling as personal growth and your employer is going to benefit from a happier you so I wouldn't stress about the odd sickie after counselling unless you've taken a substantial amount of time sick already. My brother is an accountant and he told me years ago his company budgeted for 2 weeks sick absense per employee pee year.

Mellifers also gave the same advice as I did up thread. Maybe going in with an agenda will help, either this or what I said on the last page.

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fascicle · 04/06/2016 12:00

Onlyonce Is there any way you can alter the timing of your appointments, so you have more space after them?

It sounds like you would like to share more with your therapist, but have concerns about revealing too much, being vulnerable etc. As a starting point, would you consider touching on your concerns with your therapist? Is there a point during your sessions, maybe in response to a particular question she asks, where you could start to do that?

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VulcanWoman · 04/06/2016 12:21

Cry often, it does you the world of good. I like to think the bad chemicals are released, there is some science behind this honestly.

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flowerpower10 · 04/06/2016 16:04

Maybe it's because your not ready to be vulnerable yet

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Onlyonce · 04/06/2016 18:02

These are all really good suggestions. I could alter the times as she is pretty flexible. I haven't taken much sickness at all but i do all the daily stuff with DD as Dp works in another town. It's hard as Dp doesn't really notice when I'm not myself. He wouldn't offer to help unless I am actually flat on my back ill.istarted counselling behind his back. Not great being dishonest I know

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Onlyonce · 04/06/2016 18:09

He knows now I should have said

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Janecc · 05/06/2016 06:16

Dh isn't good when I'm not myself. Doesn't know how to handle it. Can't see it. Didn't know how to handle my depression years ago. It's not that he doesn't want to help. It's just he doesn't know how. Desperately out of his depth, he just wanted me back to normal, the way I was.

I have chronic fatigue (ME). DD could see if I was going to collapse from the age of 3. She's almost 8 now. Dh still can't see it and that's not through ignorance. He just can't.

Your OH is quite possibly the same.

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Onlyonce · 05/06/2016 22:46

I think some of it is genuinely not seeing it. Other bits are that he couldn't care less and also thinks any display of an emotional nature is not acceptable unless it's on the scale of someone having died. He has walked right past me when I have been I tears before

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anahata · 05/06/2016 23:06

Hi

I've both had a lot of counselling, and am now training to be one myself.

I'm usually very measured and controlled, but have broken down and sobbed during a couple of my therapy sessions. They are generally the ones that I've made most progress on, maybe it's a release and permission to let go of previous events.

Also, from what you said about wasting the counsellors time? Any counsellor worth their salt would want to help you, whether that's over 5 or 500 sessions. You are worthy of this time, and you are strong enough to start letting go and rebuilding.

Please pm me if you need to talk.

Much love xxxxx

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EnthusiasmDisturbed · 05/06/2016 23:11

Onlyonce changes in how you feel about yourself take time

When a client says something along the lines of I'm not sure why I feel so down as I have such a charmed life I know the work is likely to be very frustrating for the client. An internal fight of questions are they allowed to expect better for themselves, are they allowed to feel down, are they allowed to be disappointed in others are so often feelings like this are seen as negative but we all feel them at times

Being stuck is often a part of the work, it's frustrating, can be boring to the client, it can feel like it's not going anywhere but to explore why you might be stuck isn't straight forward as there isn't one answer but recognising it is a start

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WhitePhantom · 05/06/2016 23:13

Sorry you're going through such a difficult time - it sounds really tough that your Dh isn't more helpful.

One thing I did, and found very useful, when I needed to deal with something that I couldn't bring myself to verbalise was write to my counselor. I was able to get it all down on paper and we were just able to get stuck right in at the next session. Maybe that's a bit cheeky, I don't know, like having two sessions for the price of one, but I found it really helpful - writing out all down was therapeutic in itself, and I didn't have to spend a whole session stuttering and stumbling over something I really felt I couldn't put into words.

But I never cried during a session either - it's just not me.

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Janecc · 06/06/2016 05:44

My dh also walks past me with tears. You will learn to self soothe if you haven't already. Having this sort of husband is the most difficult. But what I've learnt is that if you then go and find the resources for yourself, you will grow much more than if you had one, who was more compassionate. The ex boyfriend I had when I was 20/21 just before I met my dh was very sympathetic and I don't know why but I actually didn't like it, even though I paradoxically crave the attention from my dh.

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MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 06/06/2016 05:50

Let go and let the tears flow. Crying can be healing.

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MissMargie · 06/06/2016 06:32

He has walked right past me when I have been I tears before

I don't think I would walk right past someone in the street who was sobbing - unless they looked a bit too odd or scary.

But you can't change someone else only yourself.

The book 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner might touch on some of your difficulties.

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VulcanWoman · 06/06/2016 07:57

I agree about writing things down in general, it has always helped me.

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Stormtreader · 06/06/2016 13:15

You're paying for that counselling time, its yours to spend exactly as you need to. If crying for the whole hour is what you need to do then that's just as fine as talking.
I spent a lot of time at mine crying and going around the same things again and again, things I couldnt do with my friends because I didnt want to be "that person" always being sad and depressing. I knew I could do it with my councillor because it wasnt as if I wasnt going to be invited back next week for being too miserable!

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WindPowerRanger · 06/06/2016 13:47

Therapy can be very hard, but unless you feel there is no prospect of progress, it really is worth persevering with. A couple of suggestions:-

Try and write things down during the week so you can show or tell the therapist during a session. Even if it is just how you felt during a particular moment or a random thought that's occurred to you. Or, write a letter to a person you have an issue with, saying all the things you want to say but can't in RL, and show her that instead.

Remember that Dr. Pepper advert: "What's the worst that can happen?"

Your session is your safe space to say, think and emote whatever is inside. There is no rejection for it, you won't be dismissed or judged harshly, she's not marking you on your performance and it is not AIBU. So, really occupy that space and take what you need from going without any qualms.