Aibu to ask about crying in therapy?

[Onlyonce]

I am interested in different views and experiences on this as I don't have anyone in RL to talk to. I'm seeing a counsellor for a few things. Self esteem and family related in the main. Last week she said something about me being very controlled and pointed out I have never cried in front of her. To be honest I might feel better if I did! I get on well with her but I usually try not to cry when I see her. Between sessions can be hard, normally feel worse before I feel better but I think that's quite normal and part of the process. Is it just me? I might be holding back a bit with her which is maybe counter productive. I have been thinking of not going back but not sure

[OnlyTheStones]

Some people cry in therapy, some don't. It is part of the therapists job to point out how you behave and react to things. They do this to help you explore your issues, not to criticise you.

I spent months going to see my counsellor before I was ready to cry in front of her, and the sessions where I just talked and didn't cry were really useful to me.

There is no right or wrong way to behave here, and if you are talking and feel that it is helping you then you are certainly not wasting the therapists time.

[Chipsahoy]

In fours yrs of therapy, I have shed one or two tears, literally. I am controlled. I don't let go...the aim is to let go and cry and kinda where we are at now, but it goes against every single natural instinct of mine.

So you aren't alone, but I'm not sure it's entirely healthy.

[BeALert]

What do I think will happen? I guess either that she will think I shouldn't be crying over the things I am talking about or that it will be too much for me to cope with, or possibly both.

Not only will neither of these things happen, but the experience of crying and it being OK would be very healing for you, I think.

It's incredibly brave to go through therapy. It's often scary and exhausting. My therapist suggested that instead of rushing off to work after each session I should stop somewhere for a coffee and time to recover and take care of myself. It was excellent advice.

Good luck.

[BeALert]

BTW I paid to see my therapist weekly for nearly 2 years, and it was one of my best investments. It's now nearly 20 years later and I have spent those years happy and able to deal with life without any further need for therapy. The financial and emotional investment was worth it.

[MissMargie]

Keeping a check on your emotions isn't good for you ime.

Because instead of following through on something that has made you angry, or whatever, you suppress the feelings and keep them inside. In the end you get stuffed full of tensions, you are constantly keeping everything inside, pushing things down, eventually the dam needs to burst.

[Onlyonce]

I cannot see her as often as once a week as cost is an issue although I am paying a reduced rate which helps. I agree it is exhausting and I am in the position where I have to go back to work afterwards which sometimes helps by giving me time to focus on something else but other times I would rather not have to go to work

[Janecc]

That must be very draining and I can see why you feel the need to suppress your emotions at time - but that is not ideal as the idea of therapy is to be who you want/need to be at that moment. Getting a drink and a 20 minute transition would be a good thing as a pp said. And it isn't always necessary to see someone weekly if the two of you can work together and enable you to work on yourself between sessions.

[Janecc]

I see mine every 2 weeks, it was 3 weeks but a lot of stuff came up and I've needed the support because I'm not well at all at the moment. I've been seeing her for maybe 18 months. I do have 1.5 hr sessions though because we do deep work and hypnotherapy that can't be done in an hour - for me anyway. I will go back to every 3 weeks when my health improves.

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Some clients cry others don't

Sometimes clients are holding back and it feels right to address this other times it doesn't

Some clients it's a breakthrough moment for others it's not they don't have a breakthrough moment

Many clients feel they are not worthy of their therapists time and this is part of their therapy why they feel that way, what feelings are coming up for them

All clients are individual what is right for one isn't for another how one feels about their therapy and therapist another may feel completely different

It is often helpful for clients to have some space after their session if they can but not always possible and some don't want to

It's all individual

[Onlyonce]

Tbh I think I am getting frustrated with myself feeling lousy a lot of the time and not being able to articulate it / feeling pathetic / like I shouldn't be there and she is just being nice for the sake of it.

Honestly I know lots of people who would give their right arm for a life like mine. I know what a struggle it is for lots of people, I see it with my friends and in work, so I am not naiive (sp?) about that at all and yet I just wish I could change how I feel. Am rambling now - sorry everyone!

[spanky2]

I'm at the end of cbt course to do with my abusive parents. My last ever session I cried, even though my mental health is much better! I couldn't cry before as I couldn't let the pain out. I was pretending to be better than I was to begin with. I saw my therapist when I was very suicidal. I didn't want to go and admit to him how ill I really was. But when I did the therapy started.
You need to be in a place when you are comfortable and trust your therapist enough to be vulnerable. Maybe you won't cry, maybe you will. It has to be authentic to you. I said I was wasting my therapists time too. He reassured me that this is his job, I'm giving him something to do! He has a great sense of humour, but he's right. You are definitely not wasting your therapists time. That's what they are choosing to do, to help us sort ourselves out! Keep going.

[Janecc]

You just need to keep going to this therapy , honour yourself. These feelings are normal and part of the process. They will pass and eventually you will feel better. It is irrelevant as to what others may think of your life - outsider looking in. Only you know how you feel and only you have the power to change that by helping yourself heal.

[MissMargie]

I felt lousy when I was stuck in a situation not of my choice but couldn't get out of it - society / family expectations / expectations of myself - stopped me from changing things /walking away.
I thought I was too 'nice' and sensible a person to do so selfish a thing as to walk away. Hence stuck and depressed.
It was also a situation most people would envy.
Don't know if that rings any bells for you OP.

[MissMargie]

.... and there were also things I was too embarrassed to tell the therapist which I held back on (convinced myself they were irrelevant) and it was only when I was completely honest about everything that I saw improvement.

[Janecc]

Rings lots of bells for me Margie. And also telling the therapist things you did either as a child or younger adult that you have been so berated for and made out to be in some way evil. Only for the therapist to say some innocuous comment like "That was a big one for you, well done." or "ok and how do you feel about X now that you've told me?" Or some such. These people have been trained to deal with all sorts of people and behaviours. Telling them you told your mother it would have been easier for you if she and not your father had died (my example) is not going to rock their world. Even though my mother thinks I'm the most evil person on the planet for saying this. She took it as a rejection when it was an adult statement of fact because of how she treated and still treats me and was part of an explanation of how she is to me. This was the last time - in my 20's I ever tried to reason with her and ask her to treat me with respect.

[Onlyonce]

Really appreciate the sensible advice on here and for all your struggles.

I had a very fortunate upbringing but my parents relationship was pretty awful, although not violent. I ended up with an eating disorder due to the anxiety of it all. They have not changed. I still struggle with food as a response to stress which is sort of why I started this process but have opened a can of worms.

I know I haven't been totally honest with her. I haven't lied directly but I have withheld and I don't seem to be able to break that habbit.

[GeorgeTheThird]

So she's picked up that you are holding things back then ?

[snowgirl29]

No its not just you. I was brought up with the stiff upper lip and sweep everything under the carpet attitude.
I remember my very first session with my counsellor, she totally threw me when one of her questions was "how was your childhood?". It was another couple of weeks before I blubbed all over her.
If you want to cry cry, if you don't want to then don't. It's good that you're just talking. They won't judge you for it either way.

[Onlyonce]

I really don't know whether she has picked up on it. I didn't interpret her comment about being controlled in that way. Perhaps that is what she meant...

[Janecc]

Can I suggest that you maybe list the things you're holding back and pick the one, which is easiest to divulge and talk about it next time? Would that be too scary? It really will help.

I've just told you and a whole bunch of strangers the thing my mother has punished me for the last 20 years and been so hateful to me for. The thing she will never ever get past. She's told me that. For her, I wished her dead and my father alive in her place. Even though that is not what I said. I sat down with her in a very adult way and explained I no longer wished to be bullied and in my desperate need to try to connect with her, I explained how I felt.

Once you come to terms with what you said or your behaviour, you will realise that nothing is really all that bad.

[Onlyonce]

I can't see myself getting past being stuck really. I will just get to my next session with the whole 'im fine' thing as usual. Sooo frustrating

[Janecc]

Ok well then make 'being stuck' and 'I'm fine' the topic of your next session. See how you can break down walls together.

[DeriArms]

What's the worst thing that might happen if you actually told your therapist some of the things that you've been holding back, OP? I'm asking because it might help if you followed the thread of your reservations to the fear that is holding you back from sharing.

[ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe]

You are discussing it here with us though.
You sat down, wrote the OP, you are engaging in the discussion. You have been honest here.

What's stopping you from discussing these things honestly with her?

[crunchycroc]

I've never cried in a therapy/counselling session and I've had about ten different therapists over the years. I'm just not a very tearful person at all, I think the last time I cried was about a decade ago.

I don't think the therapists would be surprised if someone cried during a session, they always have tissues on hand so it's as if they expect it. I did have a couple of therapists who were a bit negative about me not being emotional but it honestly wasn't a conscious decision on my part not to, I just never did feel emotional and it seemed like nonsense to fake it just to satisfy them.