To consider leaving DP over this?

[Tuesday11]

DP and I have have a dd who is 3 and a half. I went back to work full time when dd was 9 months old. It was always our intention to have another dc and I went back to a job with long hours plus a long commute to Central London on the understanding that when dc2 arrived I'd have a year off work with time to commit to dd and then I would look for a part time job closer to home.

I am sat here 3 years down the line and DP has finally decided he doesn't want another child. He has kept putting it off every time I've asked saying he's not ready yet but would be soon/making excuses why it was never a good time.

I did eventually fall pregnant at the end of last year but it sadly ended in a miscarriage, he said we could try again straight away but he then walked out for a few days and have since reconciled and things have been going well.

He has decided this week that he actually doesn't want another child in the near future. Is this something I should potentially leave him for? Or am I being over dramatic? I understand that he's within his right to change his mind about having another child but I feel like he's completely let me and our dd down and failed to appreciate what I've sacrificed because of the plans we'd made. I feel like I've let my dd down because I have missed out on spending quality time with her because I've been at work so much.
I'm struggling to work out whether DP has done anything really wrong or whether I was just naive to put my life on hold waiting for dc2.

[stilllovingmysleep]

Peggy that seems to me quite harsh! The question of children is surely a joint couple decision rather than just someone 'making a decision' as you say. This needs to be negotiated and the pros / cons looked at in detail, as well as each person's reasons for wanting / not wanting another child. Many couples end up reaching a joint decision on things like this and it's not at all unusual for someone to agree to a second child for the sake of their partner's wellbeing / desire. That is not a negative thing at all and can be an act of love as long as it's negotiated openly / properly.

[CanuckBC]

Does either of your work cover counselling? If so, first find a good counsellor on your own. One that follows in your basic believes whatever they may be, then do sessions with your H. I can't say the D at this point and I don't believe you ladies use the acronym DuH. Counselling can help tremendously to figure out where you stand and what you will accept, help get out his feelings on things outside of him being adamant to no more kids. You could address the miscarriage, the separation. It's amazing how much easier it is with a neutral third party. Your own counseler should be someone different, for the third degree of separation thing. Then the counseler can't do. She said he said you said. It's only what each other has said in session.

It's hard in a relationship especially a marriage when on side changes the ballgame. Whether it be about children, parenting style, finances or any other big thing. It changes how you look at the person and one huge thing, your trust. Since you have had a trial separation, I believe anyway, trust is already an issue, this was just another blow to the core of your relationship. It makes you question what else is there? What else will change?

[CanuckBC]

mummyto2monkeys = I agree with what you said. I was trying to say some of what you said in my second paragraph. You were more descriptive and eloquent in explaining it:)

Due to the agreement you had with your H you were working hard towards what was a common goal. Except you didn't know it was no longer a common goal. You were missing out on your daughters life which you didn't want to and only were in preparation for dc2. That is what is the biggest issue, also, how long has H known this? Has he just been stringing you along until you pushed the topic of wanting to try again?? Ugh, I am upset for you. I would give you hugs, but again, I think that's No no here. So here 💐. PS if you can't tell from my SN I am from Canada:)

[Bellasima20]

I couldn't stay with as man who could change his mind/lie about such a crucial issue for years as well as walk out (at all) especially after I'd just had a miscarriage. The bitterness i'd feel towards a man like this would build up and ruin the relationship eventually anyway.

[sepa]

Kids are a deal breaker for me. Before I had DD my OH said he wasn't sure. I didn't think it fair I push him to have kids but equally I said I wasn't prepared to not have them and if he really didn't want them then we would break up despite it being a very loving relationship. Luckily for me OH changed his mind and does now want 2 like I do.
I think you have to decide how much having another child means to you. Your situation is different to my original situation as you already have a child to consider.

Have you thought about couples therapy about this?

[Tuesday11]

mummyto2monkeys I think has summed it up perfectly. And CanuckBC. It's about the plans we made together, a common goal we were working towards and now he has gone back on that.

It has been exhausting, I haven't had much time to spend with my dd or do anything really but I thought it was worth it and would be worth it in the end because of plans we had made together.

He said that he left because he wasn't happy with our relationship but then when he came back he didn't really try to address any issues about why he was feeling that way. I was so happy to have him back at the time that I didn't want to rock the boat by keep bringing it up. I assumed that if he had made the decision to return then he was now happy to be in the relationship. Looking back now I think maybe he's not as committed as I thought he was.

I sought counselling from my gp after the miscarriage/DP left because I thought I was depressed. But it was more cbt type therapy than counselling as such and although the techniques were fairly useful I never got the chance to talk through any specific issues. I'm not sure whether the type of counselling I need is available through the nhs but I do work for a large company so expect counselling will be available through work. Thanks all who have suggested this, I think it will be my next step