To consider leaving DP over this?

[Tuesday11]

DP and I have have a dd who is 3 and a half. I went back to work full time when dd was 9 months old. It was always our intention to have another dc and I went back to a job with long hours plus a long commute to Central London on the understanding that when dc2 arrived I'd have a year off work with time to commit to dd and then I would look for a part time job closer to home.

I am sat here 3 years down the line and DP has finally decided he doesn't want another child. He has kept putting it off every time I've asked saying he's not ready yet but would be soon/making excuses why it was never a good time.

I did eventually fall pregnant at the end of last year but it sadly ended in a miscarriage, he said we could try again straight away but he then walked out for a few days and have since reconciled and things have been going well.

He has decided this week that he actually doesn't want another child in the near future. Is this something I should potentially leave him for? Or am I being over dramatic? I understand that he's within his right to change his mind about having another child but I feel like he's completely let me and our dd down and failed to appreciate what I've sacrificed because of the plans we'd made. I feel like I've let my dd down because I have missed out on spending quality time with her because I've been at work so much.
I'm struggling to work out whether DP has done anything really wrong or whether I was just naive to put my life on hold waiting for dc2.

[Tuesday11]

mummyto2monkeys I think has summed it up perfectly. And CanuckBC. It's about the plans we made together, a common goal we were working towards and now he has gone back on that.

It has been exhausting, I haven't had much time to spend with my dd or do anything really but I thought it was worth it and would be worth it in the end because of plans we had made together.

He said that he left because he wasn't happy with our relationship but then when he came back he didn't really try to address any issues about why he was feeling that way. I was so happy to have him back at the time that I didn't want to rock the boat by keep bringing it up. I assumed that if he had made the decision to return then he was now happy to be in the relationship. Looking back now I think maybe he's not as committed as I thought he was.

I sought counselling from my gp after the miscarriage/DP left because I thought I was depressed. But it was more cbt type therapy than counselling as such and although the techniques were fairly useful I never got the chance to talk through any specific issues. I'm not sure whether the type of counselling I need is available through the nhs but I do work for a large company so expect counselling will be available through work. Thanks all who have suggested this, I think it will be my next step

[sepa]

Kids are a deal breaker for me. Before I had DD my OH said he wasn't sure. I didn't think it fair I push him to have kids but equally I said I wasn't prepared to not have them and if he really didn't want them then we would break up despite it being a very loving relationship. Luckily for me OH changed his mind and does now want 2 like I do.
I think you have to decide how much having another child means to you. Your situation is different to my original situation as you already have a child to consider.

Have you thought about couples therapy about this?

[Bellasima20]

I couldn't stay with as man who could change his mind/lie about such a crucial issue for years as well as walk out (at all) especially after I'd just had a miscarriage. The bitterness i'd feel towards a man like this would build up and ruin the relationship eventually anyway.

[CanuckBC]

mummyto2monkeys = I agree with what you said. I was trying to say some of what you said in my second paragraph. You were more descriptive and eloquent in explaining it:)

Due to the agreement you had with your H you were working hard towards what was a common goal. Except you didn't know it was no longer a common goal. You were missing out on your daughters life which you didn't want to and only were in preparation for dc2. That is what is the biggest issue, also, how long has H known this? Has he just been stringing you along until you pushed the topic of wanting to try again?? Ugh, I am upset for you. I would give you hugs, but again, I think that's No no here. So here 💐. PS if you can't tell from my SN I am from Canada:)

[CanuckBC]

Does either of your work cover counselling? If so, first find a good counsellor on your own. One that follows in your basic believes whatever they may be, then do sessions with your H. I can't say the D at this point and I don't believe you ladies use the acronym DuH. Counselling can help tremendously to figure out where you stand and what you will accept, help get out his feelings on things outside of him being adamant to no more kids. You could address the miscarriage, the separation. It's amazing how much easier it is with a neutral third party. Your own counseler should be someone different, for the third degree of separation thing. Then the counseler can't do. She said he said you said. It's only what each other has said in session.

It's hard in a relationship especially a marriage when on side changes the ballgame. Whether it be about children, parenting style, finances or any other big thing. It changes how you look at the person and one huge thing, your trust. Since you have had a trial separation, I believe anyway, trust is already an issue, this was just another blow to the core of your relationship. It makes you question what else is there? What else will change?

[stilllovingmysleep]

Peggy that seems to me quite harsh! The question of children is surely a joint couple decision rather than just someone 'making a decision' as you say. This needs to be negotiated and the pros / cons looked at in detail, as well as each person's reasons for wanting / not wanting another child. Many couples end up reaching a joint decision on things like this and it's not at all unusual for someone to agree to a second child for the sake of their partner's wellbeing / desire. That is not a negative thing at all and can be an act of love as long as it's negotiated openly / properly.

[mummyto2monkeys]

A few months before

[mummyto2monkeys]

To be honest, I think it sounds like you have lost trust for your dh. He abandoned you when you were at your most vulnerable, many women comfort themselves that when they are ready they can try again. Your dh just upped and left, taking with him any hope you had for another child.

You have been working tirelessly, building up enough financial stability, to afford you to be a SAHM after the birth of your next child. Your life has been carefully planned around the choices that you made together years ago. Your husband has been dishonest with you, if he had been more open years ago then you could have planned things differently, allowing yourself more time at home to enjoy your daughter whilst she was small.

Your husband obviously left for a reason last year, has he opened up about what that reason was? I would bet money that he knew before returning to you that he didn't want another child. Has he even justified his reasoning as to why? You made plans for a life together, promises to each other and he has just pulled the rug out from under your feet!

I would be very angry, not so much for his deciding that he wants only one child. I would be angry because you have been saving and planning for this for years. It's like you got engaged, saved up for a wedding, booked a venue, saved the date, then a few months been the wedding he turns round and says ' by the way, I forgot to tell you, I don't want to get married, I still want to be with you but I've decided I don't want to marry you.' You would be fuming and rightly so, ignoring the meaning of not wanting to marry you, as this is more about the fact that you have been working overtime for years. You have picked a venue, saved the date, what's more you haven't had a holiday together in two years! You have been saving for this wedding (which he said he wanted!), you could have had lovely holidays, spent more time with each other, you could even have decorated your house, put in a new kitchen . Or you know, you could have cut back on the hours, hours that left you exhausted, hours that took you away from your family and friends.

If you had come on here telling us that your dh had done the above, you would have been getting a whole lot of LTB's. I am angry for you, he has known that you have been working towards your plans for a long time. I would be telling him he can work the overtime, he can support you so you can spend the precious early years with your daughter. Find your part time job and enjoy your little girl. I would also have a long talk with your dh, what else has he changed his mind on? My Uncle decided he was leaving my Aunt for someone else the week she retired, they spent years planning their retirement, now she is left alone and he has swanned off to another country with the ow. I would want an honest conversation, is it that he doesn't want a second child, or is he too cowardly to tell you that he doesn't want a second child with you.

[kittybiscuits]

Peggy

[peggyundercrackers]

He has made a decision, he doesn't want more children at this time. He may change his mind in future, he may not - he is allowed to do that.

With regards the MC, you say you don't feel he supported you but then go on to say he wasn't upset or he might be wrong - so it doesn't really sound like you understand how he felt or supported him?

If you want to work closer to home then do it, why are you waiting? If you want to work part time have a discussion about what you want.

Doesn't sound like you really communicate with each other very much tbh.

[kittybiscuits]

Very many unsympathetic messages here OP. His behaviour is a cause for concern anyway. I don't think he has been fair. I think he has strung you along. If this is a dealbreaker for you then start to make plans to leave. I agree with posters who say to reduce your work and spend more time with your DD. See how he responds - it seems he has one foot out of the door already. I completely understand why you're so upset.

[curren]

I can understand you feel misled. But has he misled you or changed his mind.

This is a very difficult situation. I can understand how resentment could build and finally end a relationship.

But I also think he has done the right thing and been honest. Personally I would not end a good relationship over this.

I think you need to communicate more. You say he doesn't acknowledge the sacrifices you made for your family. Can I ask what are those sacrifices?

[Brosie12]

I understand why you are upset. I do however think it's worth exploring his feelings about your MC. It's exceptionally common for men to go full head under the carpet in these situations- they don't know how to support or what to say when it's happening or talk about it in retrospect. It could well be that he is terrified of what could happen again and avoiding pregnancy is his solution to dealing. I know lovely people who have divorced with this being the core of the issue. I'd recommend handling the feelings about the MC, perhaps through a ceremony held by a prominent charity in this field, and then see how you both feel. It would be a shame to lose a relationship over a miscommunication.

[Lilacpink40]

For me having the second DC was the deal breaker. After a few weeks my DH changed his mind and came back saying he did want another DC. Six years later and he's my STBXH. In those 6 yrs he's regularly made me feel guilty for having and loving our DCs
I don't regret having my DCs, but this isn't the ideal was to have them!

[Out2pasture]

but it's more the dream she has created and the bursting of that bubble that is distressing the op.
she doesn't have another child yet, and for many women and possibly her it may be impossible to conceive and carry another.
so far the employment plan has gone as she had hoped but what if she didn't find something local that she enjoyed.
only the op can decide if she wants to stay or go but I would suggest to live in the moment, enjoy today and the family you have and not spend too much time in the future.

[Dozer]

It's hard for you, and sounds like you do have to choose between him and the possibility of more DC.

What has led you to think he has no empathy for you?

Unfair to talk about "sacrifices" and him reneging on your deal about work and DC2: presumably he too has worked FT since having DC1? about things as big as parenthood people can't be held to promises before DC. If you're unhappy with your work/parenting balance you could seek to change it regardless of what happens with your relationship.

[MrsKoala]

Personally, i would definitely leave if after having one child my partner then said they didn't want another one. I can't imagine loving my partner more than my desire for children (i already left my first husband whom i loved dearly when he changed his mind and said he didn't want any children). It's a decision that only you can know.

[RubbleBubble00]

if you want to stay with him then I'd look for that job closer to home. I think it's fair. He had a change of heart but it doesn't stop you moving with the same work plan

[bakeoffcake]

I do understand why you're so upset.

Yoi thought you both had the next few years planned out and he's decided your life isn't going to be like that. I'd take it as meaning he wasn't sure about the relationship and I'd be worried and upset.

[HeartsofOak]

Sounds like there's somehting rumbling along under the surface there between you both. And perhaps that's why he doesn't want to ttc. Perhaps the timing is bad?

[princessmi12]

Bottom line is DH is not ready.
He doesn't want to leave it's you suggesting it
OP you have a child to consider and child's best interest. Don't get fixated on the idea of another child so much so you neglect best interest of the one you have .
Sorry if I'm too harsh just think you are being totally unreasonable. Talk to DH, try to work out compromise

[AgentZigzag]

If having another baby isn't the reason why you'd consider moving out, then your first paragraph sounds like you're trying to shock him into acknowledging what you've done for your family.

Do you think he genuinely can't see things from your POV or is he just doing it to needle you and is someone who never backs down or admits he's wrong?

Would you actually want another baby with him even if he did change his mind now?

[Iknownuffink]

Iggi, you are as entitled to your opinion as am I.

[Tuesday11]

I wouldn't be walking out to find someone to have another baby with it's more about how we'd made plans, I'd made sacrifices because of what he promised me and then he's gone back on that but can't seem to see why I'm so upset. Perhaps i didnt explain that in my op but he doesn't seem to have any empathy for me.

Yes of course I'd love to have another baby and I'd love dd to have a sibling but I'm finding it difficult to see how I can move forward when I feel like he's just let things go on for so long without making a proper decision.

He hasn't spoken much about the miscarriage but I didn't feel like I had much/any support from him when I was going through it. I realise that it's not just the woman that it effects but I don't feel like he was upset by it, although I may be wrong and maybe he's just struggled to communicate that