Over Christmas?

[Fpmd1710]

Ex DP said today that he wants DS on Christmas day and I can have him Boxing Day. I told him that would not be happening, I explained he would get the same offerings he got last year, which was to have DS Christmas Eve until 6pm and then he could pick DS up from 2pm onwards Christmas Day and keep him overnight and have him all of Boxing Day. I also said he was welcome to drive up in the morning to watch DS open presents. He chose not to come up in the morning due to too much faffing about (completely agree but I wanted to let him at least have the option), he also chose not to pick DS up Christmas afternoon because he wanted a drink (that was fine, again I just wanted to give him the choice), so he ended up having him from Boxing Day morning until the following morning. This year he is insisting he will pick DS up Christmas Eve morning to avoid traffic later in the day and then have him until Boxing Day.

My DM tells me I'm being a bit of a bitch, but I can't see how. The ex is supposed to have DS every week as it is but he cancels or changes plans constantly as and when it suits, that I don't think he should be able to dictate a day that has always been a big deal to me, even before I had DS.

AIBU in saying no to him and offering him the same times as I did last year?

[Phalenopsisgirl]

I was all for one year each but then saw the bit about him saying you have full parental responsibility, which I read as he wants to pass the buck every time something doesn't suit him. So no, I think let him spend Christmas 'chilling with his mates'

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Where he cancels having him every other weekend you mean bibbity

[Lelloteddy]

YANBU.
I'm lucky in that Ex doesn't want to see the kids at Christmas because OW insists he spends it with 'her' family. He also fucks around with contact and picks and chooses the bits of 'parenting' that he wants to actually do.
Stick to your guns OP. Him picking his son up at 2pm on Christmas Day is perfectly reasonable. Him coming over to see him open his first presents with you is absolutely reasonable. If he chooses to do neither then he's an arse.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Perhaps op can explain how she keeps her weekend job if her ex cancels "pretty much every other week".

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Yabu and rather dictatorial.

[Fpmd1710]

Oooblimey I don't usually say I have full parental responsibility, that was just a dig at him because that's what he said to me recently. I do agree he is entitled to be able to spend time with his mates and do his own thing, but firstly his weekend is actually just Saturday OR Sunday (maybe one stay over a month but dropped back off first thing next morning), my mum has DS the other day if I'm working. The ex also tends to cancel almost every other week so it's not just on occasion.
I sort of do see how IBU, but I feel he shouldn't get to demand such an important day when he doesn't give DS more than 2-3 days of his time per month.
DS is only 19 month currently so I can't ask him which he wants, and those saying about it only being May, that was exactly my reaction today when ex mentioned this on a phone call he made about cancelling this Saturday.
I did later question if he just brought it up randomly to stir things because I handled the weekend cancellations so well and told him it's not a problem. I brushed that off as me being paranoid though.

[ThatStewie]

Sharing Christmas is reasonable for co-parenting. When a father chooses alcohol over his kid at Christmas, he isn't exactly shouting awesome co-parent. Cancelling weekends to socialise is completely different to planning contact around both parents shift work.

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[Inertia]

It seems like this father may well be a parent, but doesn't do his fair share of parenting.

He frequently rejects his child when contact has been planned, so that he can go out drinking with his mates.

He didn't even bother to see his child last Christmas because it would have interfered with his drinking plans. He isn't willing to accommodate any reasonable split of time over Christmas because he wants to prioritise his social life above getting the child back to his mother.

He has already told the OP that she has full parental responsibility , because he doesn't want to step up and see his child if it's not convenient.

I grew up with divorced parents, and we did alternate every Christmas. It worked well, we were happy to have two Christmases- but then my dad was absolutely 100% reliable in terms of contact every weekend, he did all the driving as my mum didn't have a car, he paid maintenance, and we were his priority. Christmas was spent with my dad, stepmum and grandparents,and later on my younger siblings, and it centred around having the best Christmas for the children. It wasn't structured around my dad's drinking plans.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Just for the record my dsc alternate, one year Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent then lunch ( served 3ish) onwards and Boxing Day with the other then switching the following year. This works brilliantly for us.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I have always shared (alternate) even when I didn't really want to. It's not really my right over his right

[facebookrecruit]

I'm with the OP on this one. If the ex wants to have regular and fair time with his son it should be ALL YEAR ROUND. Not just when he chooses. He fucks the OP around with her son, wants her to CLAIM UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS so he doesn't have to look after him yet starts banging on about Christmas in MAY? This reeks of a dead beat prick who is more bothered about spiting his ex than being a dad. This may not affect the little lad now but it will when he's older!

[FloweryTwat]

YANBU.

Xmas is the most stressful exciting day of the year for chikdren that age. Why should he get all the good bits?

I think he's said it to wind you up tbh. And if he wanted to get pissed rather than pick up his 1 year old this year, it doesn't bode well for this year when presumably he will also want to get drunk and there will be a 2 year old careering round the xmas tree. Who he may not know particularly well if he only sees him a couple of times a month.

And as for "mumentitlement", the only people that use that are misogynists fools.

[TheFuckersBitingMe]

DS1 is 10 and has never had a Christmas Eve with his Dad. I'm certain I am being U, and will accept that fact without arguing.

I love Christmas, I love the traditions, I love spending extra time with close ones doing special stuff we rarely find time for through the rest of the year, I love the roles we play, I love the magic, I love the build-up, I love the children's enjoyment of it all. Ex loves none of that. He openly admits he hates Christmas and won't build it up for DS1. So we agreed when we split up 10 years ago that I got Christmas Mornings, that he comes for tea Christmas Day and stays til bedtime. I'm married to someone else with a DC, he's in a long term relationship with a lovely woman, it's all quite civilised; he brings his parents, sister and niece, we all have a lovely evening and DS1 has spent every Christmas day with all of his family under one roof, not factions of it in different houses.

It works for us. If Ex asked for a Christmas Eve overnight I'd have no choice but to say yes. But I don't think he ever would because Christmas just doesn't mean to him what it does to me.

[defunctedusername]

For those who censored my last post I apologise, I did self sensor my single swear word even tho the female antagonist didn't. Obviously I have hit on a raw nerve for some...

[defunctedusername]

Its interesting how this thread has turned to claim the man wants to see his child over Christmas so he can fit his alcoholic tenancies around the festive period. It is just as likely the mother is an alcoholic, why are you saying the father is?

[FloweryTwat]

Bore off Jeremy.

[StrawberrytallCake]

I'll join you in that - bore off Jezza

[justmyview]

The child is 19 months old. So long as he gets presents and people make a fuss over him, he won't care if "Christmas Day" is on 25th or 26th December. This is a power struggle between the parents, nothing to do with the child's well-being

[Writemedown]

Id say you gets the same deal this year he had last.

So at yours until 6pm Xmas eve, yiu can drive over and watch him do gifts if you want and then you collect him at 2pm Xmas day.

With the weekends what the agreement re contact? I'd say yiu will change to Eow but he needs to realise that CM will go up as that's 52 days a year more care you are doing.

If he's missing contact it's best in the long run to have a court agreement dictating what it is. Then he can be held accountable.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

As a kid I had to spend every other Christmas with my dad which was shit. He generally palmed us off on my gran and I just wanted my mum. I hated thinking of her spending it without us. I came to the thread thinking YABU because both parents have equal 'claim' over Christmas, but thinking back until fairly recently actually, it was a ball ache having to travel (not far) between the two at Christmas and I definitely preferred the time with my mum. Would your ex be at all amenable to letting your DS decide?

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Sorry, just read he is 19mths

[Fpmd1710]

Jeremycorbyn neither of us are alcoholics, I have actually only had one night out drinking since I found out I was pregnant, mainly because the occasional evening that I am child free, I don't fancy having to look after a small child first thing the next day whilst hungover and i don't drink any other time as I'm a lightweight so wouldn't trust myself to be alert enough to have DC in my care even after just one drink. The ex in all fairness is just a typical 25 yr old who likes to go out at weekends with his other single mates, the only problem is that having a child seems to get in the way of this, at least that is how it seems in the way he cancels so often.

[gingergenie]

CauliflowerBalti same here. Except when me and not so dh split, I invited him to sleepover so he could be part of Xmas day. Ex dh has always seen kids on Xmas day and has also stayed for Xmas dinner, presents etc when he was single. He has them overnight once a fortnight a refuses to participate any more than that. I offered my kid DS the option of having Xmas day with their dad once he got a gf and started making noises about having them Xmas day and they were horrified. I wasn't invited to share their day with them, in spite of ensuring that he didn't miss a single Xmas day with them in 5 years. OP, every split is different, and provided you are being genuinely fair, YANBU

[Fpmd1710]

I'm also not trying to let my dislike for ex sway my choice, we have actually got along fairly well the past few months or so, but since I started working again from the end of last month (I was made redundant in December) I have not been quite as accepting of him cancelling plans and he has therefore had a lot opinions of me as a mother choosing a job that requires me to work at least one day each weekend.
I've actually now arranged with DM that she will have DS all weekend except for days ex does have him. So under that notion I think she has almost as much entitlement to demand having him over Christmas.
I know that DS is too young to really care who he spends Christmas with right now so I am thinking purely of myself, but is that really so unreasonable when I do 90% at least of the parenting throughout the rest of the year?