Over Christmas?

[Fpmd1710]

Ex DP said today that he wants DS on Christmas day and I can have him Boxing Day. I told him that would not be happening, I explained he would get the same offerings he got last year, which was to have DS Christmas Eve until 6pm and then he could pick DS up from 2pm onwards Christmas Day and keep him overnight and have him all of Boxing Day. I also said he was welcome to drive up in the morning to watch DS open presents. He chose not to come up in the morning due to too much faffing about (completely agree but I wanted to let him at least have the option), he also chose not to pick DS up Christmas afternoon because he wanted a drink (that was fine, again I just wanted to give him the choice), so he ended up having him from Boxing Day morning until the following morning. This year he is insisting he will pick DS up Christmas Eve morning to avoid traffic later in the day and then have him until Boxing Day.

My DM tells me I'm being a bit of a bitch, but I can't see how. The ex is supposed to have DS every week as it is but he cancels or changes plans constantly as and when it suits, that I don't think he should be able to dictate a day that has always been a big deal to me, even before I had DS.

AIBU in saying no to him and offering him the same times as I did last year?

[justmyview]

Ex-MIL sounds cool

[Myusernameismyusername]

I think it's really good you spoke to her, I was trying to point out its not just about ex DP it's about the entire family, and she seems to have it sorted quite well

[purplefox]

YANBU and some of the posts on here are shocking.

He sees your son 2-3 days a month, and then he wants to take him away from his family who spend the other 28 days each month with him on what is in effect, a family day? My ex tried this - he saw him one night every 3 weeks - arrangements he dictated, he didn't want more as it meant I'd have "too much free time at weekends to meet people" yet still believed he should have him all day on his birthday, and all day on Christmas day.

[mmgirish]

I'm another one who finds it surprising how many people thought you were being unreasonable. Considering how little your ex sees your son, I think you are very reasonable actually.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

I'm glad your ex mil is nice & sensible and you have a good relationship with her, it's going to be invaluable in the years to come with that twunt.

[Lelloteddy]

Yay for Ex MIL. Sounds as if she's got the measure of him as well

[AngelicaSchuyler]

Your exMIL sounds fab op, sounds like your original plan is the best bet.

I would echo other posters who've cautioned about future xmases once your DS is old enough to be aware, though. I was a child of divorced parents and got caught up in the guilt tripping and arguments over arrangements each year. I was 18 before I spent the whole of xmas day in one place instead of being shunted around from pillar to post - I always hated it.

You sound like a fab mum tho x

[mummymeister]

50% of the parenting. 50% of the school pick ups, tantrums, teething nights, d and v days etc then of course 50% of the nice times like Christmas and birthdays.

having been on the other end of the cancelling arrangements bit, can I just say how absolutely horrible that was. as soon as your son is old enough he will be really upset by this.

so you have an opportunity to sort it out with your ex now. go back to him and talk about access arrangements and make it clear that if he agrees to them then he sticks to them and he should only agree to something he knows he can stick to. The Christmas issue is a side show in comparison to promising a little lad a day out with his dad and then constantly having to tell him its cancelled and deal with all the crap aftermath that that brings. Am I still bitter that my dad did this to me? oh yes.

[leelu66]

exMIL sounds fab, how did she raise such a deluded son.

Shame she is not your MIL anymore.

[Fpmd1710]

I spoke to exMIL yesterday (we've always remained on good terms) and she told me that they are doing the family get together part on Boxing Day, as they did it last year also and found that it works better for them all due to less rushing around.
I spend Christmas Day with my nana, my mum and stepdad and 4 younger sisters so exMIL said she is with me in that Christmas Day would be more fun for DS if he were with me and around lots of family and then he got to have a similar type of day with his other family the next day.
She suspects ex is demanding Christmas Day to either get a rise out of me or because he has more friends willing to go out Boxing Day rather than Christmas Day so is trying to fit DS in around other arrangements.
Based on that I've decided I'm sticking with my original time offerings and leaving it at that, because quite frankly I'd rather not be arguing with him over an event that is more than half a year away

[Myusernameismyusername]

Is Christmas really worth falling out over and bickering? Is it that important? It is one day of the year. One. This isn't one battle I wish to engage in because the point of Christmas is family and giving so it feels quite hypocritical. Mine always get 2 Christmases no matter what day it falls on. It's not just about ex DP it is also about the DC's, ex MIL, ex SIL and BIL - it's their family too.

Ex DP needs to mature and take responsibility but IMO, taking Christmas away from him is highly unlikely to enforce this change it will just make him cross. You are more likely to get the desired behaviour if you stay on civil terms with him as he bonds with DC and realises what he needs to do for them. I am not saying tolerating constant cancelling of plans, that's a whole other issue.
I always say pick your battles and xmas to me is not something that I feel I want to battle over and have a bad cloud hanging over

[StrawberrytallCake]

Hodor

[Hodooooooooor]

Can't believe how many yabus there are, all this "he's entitled to the same as you" shit.

He can have half the Xmass when he has half the week, half the school runs, half the sickness, half the washing, half the paying, half the everything.

As it is he does about 5% of the parenting so can have 5% of the christmases. Fair is fair.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I think you should swap and you have the times he had last year, and vice versa

[Enkopkaffetak]

YABU

I know it will be hard for you but he gets what you had last year and then year after you swap.

If he goes to court to request this it will appear a very resonable request and is likely to be granted. You will be far better off finding an agreement that suits you best and not allowing some general cout to make that agreement for you.

Whilst you are at it lock in your birthday s a time he is with you .

[Petal40]

Orininalfoogirl....god no....don't ask what the child wants...I was that child..do you know how hard it is to have to choose between yr parents on Xmas day,birthdays, Boxing Day,Easter...it's hell.you always feel like you are letting one down,disappointing the other,torn between the two.never doing what you want,always putting their needs to see you before your own.....worrying which one you had upset by picking the other...god no....op come up with a fair system with dad..equal..fair amounts of time each..I was that
child torn between parents who couldn't decide.and it screwed me up.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

For those who censored my last post I apologise, I did self sensor my single swear word even tho the female antagonist didn't. Obviously I have hit on a raw nerve for some

Swearing on MN is not against the rules you can even say boil infested rancid blue waffle cunting cunt if you want to (useful when dropping something heavy on your foot)

It's personal attacks that breach the rules.

[Fpmd1710]

I'm also not trying to let my dislike for ex sway my choice, we have actually got along fairly well the past few months or so, but since I started working again from the end of last month (I was made redundant in December) I have not been quite as accepting of him cancelling plans and he has therefore had a lot opinions of me as a mother choosing a job that requires me to work at least one day each weekend.
I've actually now arranged with DM that she will have DS all weekend except for days ex does have him. So under that notion I think she has almost as much entitlement to demand having him over Christmas.
I know that DS is too young to really care who he spends Christmas with right now so I am thinking purely of myself, but is that really so unreasonable when I do 90% at least of the parenting throughout the rest of the year?

[gingergenie]

CauliflowerBalti same here. Except when me and not so dh split, I invited him to sleepover so he could be part of Xmas day. Ex dh has always seen kids on Xmas day and has also stayed for Xmas dinner, presents etc when he was single. He has them overnight once a fortnight a refuses to participate any more than that. I offered my kid DS the option of having Xmas day with their dad once he got a gf and started making noises about having them Xmas day and they were horrified. I wasn't invited to share their day with them, in spite of ensuring that he didn't miss a single Xmas day with them in 5 years. OP, every split is different, and provided you are being genuinely fair, YANBU

[Fpmd1710]

Jeremycorbyn neither of us are alcoholics, I have actually only had one night out drinking since I found out I was pregnant, mainly because the occasional evening that I am child free, I don't fancy having to look after a small child first thing the next day whilst hungover and i don't drink any other time as I'm a lightweight so wouldn't trust myself to be alert enough to have DC in my care even after just one drink. The ex in all fairness is just a typical 25 yr old who likes to go out at weekends with his other single mates, the only problem is that having a child seems to get in the way of this, at least that is how it seems in the way he cancels so often.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

Sorry, just read he is 19mths

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

As a kid I had to spend every other Christmas with my dad which was shit. He generally palmed us off on my gran and I just wanted my mum. I hated thinking of her spending it without us. I came to the thread thinking YABU because both parents have equal 'claim' over Christmas, but thinking back until fairly recently actually, it was a ball ache having to travel (not far) between the two at Christmas and I definitely preferred the time with my mum. Would your ex be at all amenable to letting your DS decide?

[Writemedown]

Id say you gets the same deal this year he had last.

So at yours until 6pm Xmas eve, yiu can drive over and watch him do gifts if you want and then you collect him at 2pm Xmas day.

With the weekends what the agreement re contact? I'd say yiu will change to Eow but he needs to realise that CM will go up as that's 52 days a year more care you are doing.

If he's missing contact it's best in the long run to have a court agreement dictating what it is. Then he can be held accountable.

[justmyview]

The child is 19 months old. So long as he gets presents and people make a fuss over him, he won't care if "Christmas Day" is on 25th or 26th December. This is a power struggle between the parents, nothing to do with the child's well-being

[StrawberrytallCake]

I'll join you in that - bore off Jezza