AIBU to involve school?

[PlaygroundAngst]

There's a mum at school who has a problem with me. I've no idea what it is. She's quite a queen bee character whereas I'm more of a take me as you find me kinda girl.

There have been a few incidents now. Excluding the bitching behind my back, the first was when she hit me at a children's birthday party. I involved the police, filed a report etc. I asked that she wasn't arrested because I didn't want to antagonise her (we've got quite a few years with our children being in the same class). But, my report is serving as a record of the event. I informed school in case there were any repercussions with our children at school. The next incident was when she deliberately walked into me at school. Straight after she was shouting out at how I'd pushed her and gathering all her witnesses up (who strangely enough are all her friends). I didn't say anything to anyone about this. No one was hurt. Today we've had another one. I was walking a child into school and had my arm around her shoulders. The woman mentioned above was walking towards us, not looking where she was going and walked into the child I was with. My instinct was to protect the child so I pushed the woman's hands away. She was carrying keys so scratched me but I'm just pleased I did otherwise it would have been the child's face. I can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like "hey, be careful!" It was only at this point that I realised who it was. She again started gathering witnesses including someone who claimed to have seen everything but had her back to us. Another one of her friends! She then followed me out of the playground, screamed out that I'm a "fucking crazy bitch" along with sticking her fingers up at me. (This is all in front of children from school).
Anyhow, current situation is that I'm trying to convince the school to arrange a mediation meeting. They're understandably reluctant but if she's behaving like that on school property then I feel they have to intervene before someone gets really hurt.

So, AIBU for involving the school?

Nb I believe this morning was a genuine accident

[lem73]

I don't believe the police wouldn't get involved because it's on school premises. I had a bit of a problem with a slightly unstable parent one afternoon at school. The dh of my friend is a police officer and he said to call the police if it happened again. He said it was better for them to deal with it rather than ask the school. Also it isn't even logical to say if something happens on school grounds the police are limited. If it's a crime, it's a crime. A year 11 at my ds's school was arrested for assault on school premises last year.

[PerspicaciaTick]

The school should be able to send out a warning to all parents that swearing on school, premises will not be tolerated.
I also think that if you were to approach the school and suggest that you use the other gate, they would be happy to hold your child for an extra few minutes while you collected the other one if it meant avoiding fisticuffs in the playground.
But I don't think you can insist that she changes her routine to accommodate you.
The police have just as much right to investigate crimes on school premises as they do on any other site.

[Andbabymakesthree]

I reported a matter to the police about a parent transporting a child on their lap in front. They went out and gave words of advice.
Somehow she keeps it was me ( prob cos dr saw me witness it twice) and started being intimating and staring/making comments in playground.
Ignored her til my son noticed. Then I spoke to head And PCSO.
They were both prepared to talk to her if necessary but I said I'd deal with if kept happening. Think she found out my profession as she backed right off.
Do speak to head and PCSO

[Whichplace]

I'm a deputy head and I'd want to know if a parent was behaving like this on school premises. I'm not interested in arguments between parents - it's for them to sort out. However I do not want parents on school premises who swear and are abusive in front of children.

[MrsHathaway]

It's not the best school for your child - or even a good school for him - if he and you are at risk of violence there.

I think it has become a school issue, but you should have a pretty low threshold for going over their heads back to the police and/or LA as appropriate, and make sure they know this is serious enough that you are considering moving schools.

[Nanny0gg]

Of course school should know!
It's happening on school premises in front of other parents and the children. No-one's suggesting they sort it out but they need to know the situation as there could be ripple effects into the classrooms.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

Can you still press charges for the hitting incident? You say it's on file. You shouldn't have asked for her not to be arrested. Makes you look like a pushover.

I'm suprised that everyone thinks you should move schools. What if you meet another unhinged, foul mouthed, violent loon at the next school? Should you disrupt your child again? I think given its happening on school premises then the school can get involved. Also, the police are talking shit. Of course they can do something, school property isn't a different country try ffs. Laws apply there too.

[clam]

I think you should inform the school. They ought to know if a parent is behaving in this way as it might contribute to a larger picture they are forming. Not saying they would or should speak to her (after all, it could be six of one, half a dozen of the other), but they might file the info away for future reference, if required.
We have a parent at the moment who was apparently banned from the premises of her child's previous school, and escorted away by the police for threatening behaviour to staff. If it transpired that she was showing aggression towards parents at our place, we would want to know about it.

[frenchbluepuffin]

Jeez, you don't need this and neither does your child. I'd organise for someone else to drop off and collect for a while just so the dust settles as it sounds like she is gunning for you, for whatever reason. Maybe talk to the school about the effect it could potentially have on your child if you were to move schools, rather than her behaviour (the school can't really deal with that). But if she continues to hassle you and intimidate you then keep note of absolutely everything she does and go and see the police about harassment.

[littlemonkey5]

I have to say that no matter how amazing the school is, this will override it completely. Your DCs are going to pick up on your anxiety with this situation and that will be forefront in their minds. They are going to be told something at school but it will go in one ear and out the other because 'other' thoughts will be preventing them from benefiting from the 'best school in the area'. If you move to the 'second best school in the area', it will be 'the best' because the anxiety, depression and bullying will have gone and the information they receive will benefit them.........

[Sukebind]

I think you should write a proper letter to the head advising her of the invoking situation including the police involvement, assuring HT that you are not trying to get them to fix the issue between adults but that you are concerned about the safety and wellbeing of your own children and others who may overhear or be caught up in potential incidents and that, as such, you feel it sensible to tell them what is happening. That said, you also have the right to pick up or drop-off your children at school or to visit the premises for meetings, etc. without fear for your own safety and wellbeing! This tempts me to think that the school does have some sort of responsibility to support you in ensuring you are safe and not harrassed.

Could you request a talk with the HT about it? An approachable HT should be open to this. I hope you can get this sorted out soon.

[kawliga]

Wow, OP you cannot be serious that you choose to live your life this way. Maybe you think such behaviour (from you and the other parent, both of you are ridiculous) is normal? You maybe think that all parents spend their dc school life fighting in the playground with other parents?

I can't believe people are advising you to involve the school, involve the police, all that nonsense. Maybe you enjoy the drama? In which case you are subconsciously looking for ways to escalate it? Yes, for sure, have a mediation between you and Queen Bee at the school, that should be fun. Or, do as pp suggest, find a new school, and get on with your life.

[Smurfnoff]

Keep the school informed, but do NOT expect them to mediate. Schools have enough to do trying to prevent fighting between pupils, let alone parents. If her behaviour escalates you need to go back to the police and report her for harassment.

[PlaygroundAngst]

Kawliga... So what would you do in my position?

[GreenBeans17]

Hmm, it's not really the school's problem...

[kawliga]

What wonky donky said upthread. You could try to avoid Queen Bee, keep your eye out for her and cross the street when you see her. Stop to let her pass so you don't accidentally bump into her physically all the time, don't show up to birthday parties where she'll be there, etc. It is not hard to avoid bumping into people if you focus your mind on not bumping into them. Hopefully Queen Bee will soon find somebody else to bump into and fight with.

If I could not avoid another parent who was determined to fight, I would do everything in my power to move school. Otherwise your dc are stuck with this ridiculous drama for the rest of their school life. Seriously, fighting with other parents in the playground is unacceptable. Doesn't matter who started it. 'She hit me first' is beyond ridiculous when you are older than, say, 5 years old.

[mummytime]

The school needs to deal firmly with bullying (even if low level).

The schools local to me where similar incidents have ever occurred: ban specific parents from the school grounds, at times have banned all parents at drop off/pick up (they have to wait outside the fence).

She is not a "Queen Bee" but a bully.

I would look for another school as dealing with bullying firmly and efficiently is a crucial aspect of a school being good with SEN.

[Kenduskeag]

It's a bit more than 'an argument between parents' if one parent keeps going up and pushing, shoving, hitting and attacking another parent with a bunch of keys. Surely any establishment would be loathe to permit assaults on their property? We've had parents warned about possible bannings from the grounds for poor behaviour - smoking, spitting, swearing, having loud verbal fights, yelling at teachers - so I find it hard to believe that when punches are being thrown, they throw up their hands and claim it's none of their business.

[Waltermittythesequel]

The punch was thrown at a party though, was it not?

Because OP dragged other mum's child away from her own.

They sound as bad as each other, IMO. I wouldn't want my dc in a school with either of them!

[Janecc]

Op Im surprised at what the deputy head of a school upthread said. In dds school I would absolutely contact the school and they would assist me. There is a code of conduct, which applies to parents when on school property. The school cannot do anything about the punch as it was outside the grounds. However, they can help you to drop your child off safely and i would be telling them I need the schools assistance to prevent a child from being hurt in the crossfire. How appalling to have to avoid a certain parent because of bullying.

[mrsfuzzy]

walter if another child was laying into your child on the floor what would you do ? [thankful my kids are grown up and don't have this shit].

[FakeOrchids]

I think the OP is getting an unfair, harsh response from lots of posters.

OP, I have had a similar experience in the past with a school mum. I reported it to the school for their files, not because I wanted them to mediate or get involved but because her behaviour was inappropriate and disturbing.

School were great and actually since then she has done similar to other parents and the school ended up speaking to her about it and told her that she would be banned from school premises if she carried on with the antisocial behaviour.

[mrsfuzzy]

with fake orchid there are posters wearing judgy knickers today, it's all too easy to bitch but they are not in the op's situation, and would probably never be.

[Janecc]

walter Please will you justify your comment. Apart from the incident at the party, op has illustrated herself to be dignified and restrained. Op pulled the woman's child off hers because it was on top of her child attacking them. Had her child been accessible, she would have had no need to remove the offending child. Should she have waited until the mother came along and not protect her child? Or could you perhaps tell her a better way of handling the situation.

[Waltermittythesequel]

OP said other mum hadn't seen what was happening with the children so I'd imagine from her POV, she saw a stranger put her hands on her dc.

Of course she shouldn't have hit her but the situation was obviously escalated through misunderstanding.

The reason I say they're as bad as each other is because OP is subjecting her dc and the dc in her care to this ongoing drama and violence instead of taking steps to end it.