Mother weird about money

[seriouslysusannah]

Disclaimer: I'm very lucky to have parental support from my parents etc. I'm early 20s and they have been very kind to me over the years. No hand-outs per se, but being there for me and supporting me on the odd occasion while I was a student. They also let me live with them during uni holidays.

They are very well-off, which is entirely due to their own hard work and scrimping. My dad had a good job but they both came from very humble backgrounds and made smart financial decisions, so it has certainly not come easy to them. They are also both very frugal.

I recently had an extremely unexpected demand from university to pay £1600 (fees), a lot of money. Student Finance are dragging their feet about it and I'm right in the middle of exams so quite stressed about finding this money.

My dad has very kindly stepped up and said that my parents will cover it. He said that my parents intended on giving me some money when I graduate this year so they will take it out of this sum. Very very kind.

When my mum heard about it though, she became almost cross?? She insisted on me sending them the email, asked if there was interest attached to it, quizzed me about it. I feel like crying! She has always been very suspicious and hesitant where money has been involved, which I find so unfair as I have never ever relied on parental hand-outs to get by! I had a job throughout university and virtually supported myself.

I really want to try and pay for it myself now as a matter of principle but I really can't find the money in a matter of days. Why is she being like this?! She has always been like this. A few months ago I received a rent deposit back from my landlord (about £600) which had originally been paid for by my parents. My dad said I could leave the money in my account "for emergencies" but my mum demanded it back (well not actually but she expressed her disapproval so much that I instantly transferred it).

I hate this attitude!! I feel like a fucking criminal.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Meh, I don't pull in as much money as DP but my contribution is equally valid. No self confidence issue here. And yea, all the money is ours, why wouldn't it be.

Frankly OP, it seems to me that it's your parents that have let you down, not the other way around.

[brassbrass]

quite, the most important thing here is your exams, don't lose focus on them.

They will be crucial for future financial independence.

[Originalfoogirl]

Gaslight. I've made her write it down and sign it so we can look at it when she is a teenager. She is soooo convinced she will never hate us 😂

And, that's good that you did that. But some choose not to if they don't have to. I don't think that makes them any less contributory, does it? I'm not sure I'd be able to do the whole SAHM thing, but I'd hate to think I'd be considered less of a partner if I did.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

It doesn't matter that we consider being a SAHP to be equivalent in terms of family support to a WOHP; the point is that women of op's mother's generation generally didn't. My mother definitely belived that my dad was the main provider and that the respect due to him should be proportionate to his earnings. She'd have been and if you tried to convince her that her contribution was equivalent. Deep-set attitudes like that can change between the generations but tend to stick once they're imposed IMO.

[ImperialBlether]

Originalfoogirl, yes, of course, but the fact is that her mum hasn't worked outside the home at all, even when the children were older - even now! As a divorced working mum with no real support from my ex, I think that's pretty pathetic.

[ImperialBlether]

Or rather (before I'm battered to death) I think it's a bit much for her mum to expect her to pay for everything, when she hasn't contributed financially at all.

[GasLightShining]

Original What I meant was that it different if you are in a position where you can afford not to but I was trying to say that it is possible to work when your OH works away.

I was a SAHM for a few years and when I went to work it was evenings (often with DC in tow as DH was delayed on motorway!) and weekends.

[julfin]

I was going to try to offer some wise and helpful advice, but Ginny McGinFace absolutely nailed it at 2208. That's just how some people are - I know it's hard but you should try not to take it personally.

But anyway, try not to get caught up thinking about this at the moment - you've got last-minute cramming to do!

Good luck in the exams! You sound like a thoroughly decent person and deserve to do well.

[Beepbopboop]

People are being way too harsh on you! Wow!
Most parents help out with uni, doesn't matter if you did it a few years too late.
Because your parents are wealthy your student loan doesn't even cover your rent! And obviously do not get even a bursary money. Your parents are expected to help you out. Some of your peers will be getting twice as much money, they don't have to work their arses off trying to pay to live whilst studying full time.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Oh I had this off my mum when I was at Uni, she was a complete bitch and I remember regularly being in tears after phone calls with her about money. My mum was quite emotionally abusive though and used money to control me.

Best thing to do it just try not to take it to heart and just communicate with your dad

[Janecc]

seriouslysusannah. Seriously Susannah you have let no one down. Please repeat this to yourself. "I have let no one down." You sound like an honourable and trustworthy young woman and if you were my DD, I would be very very proud of you.
You said that you stood on your feet for a few years. Does that mean you are a mature student - or worked for a couple of years prior to uni?
So you are having to redo your final year or spread it over two years. Well you had to support yourself so effectively you were studying part time because of working and part time degrees take longer.
As for your parents being so generous as to let you stay with them. I was shocked. This is totally totally normal and part of generally supporting their child to make their way in the world. And no, you should not be paying rent whilst studying.
As for the fees. As your father can afford to pay them. Let him. Thank him for his kind offer. He has made it clear the money will be deducted from the sum you are going to receive.
If you are a mature student, you will have been able to access additional borrowing. If you are not and seeing as your borrowing limit is based on your fathers income, I think your parents were morally obliged to help you out if able and I assume they were.
As for your mother, she sounds like she could be jealous and maybe you are doing something she would have loved to do. Her attitude is extremely strange and she seems to have an unhealthy attitude to money. She should be making these last few weeks as easy as possible. My mother still goes on about the money she spent on my education over 20 years later. She can be incredibly cruel I could go on.
I hope all goes well with your exams.

[peggyundercrackers]

The questions don't sound unreasonable tbh, I think you are being over sensitive.

[Ditsy4]

I am sorry you are having to worry about this when you have your exams. I don't understand her at all ( other than it is due to her upbringing) I still help my daughter and she has left. She doesn't earn much in her field. She is now considering a Master' s. She came home to discuss the idea with me first and I told her to go ahead and apply and I would continue to support her. She is nearly 25.

I know one of her friends didn't go to the Graduation ceremony because her parents wouldn't pay for it and she didn't have enough money. She worked two jobs through uni to pay her rent. I offered to pay but it was too late when I found out. On the spur of the moment she came to watch. I felt so sorry for her but we dressed her up in the gown and cap and took some lovely photos of her so at least she had that. I can't understand parents that don't support their children if they can afford to.

If you have had a bank account for a long time could you not go and ask them for a short time loan. If you have a private chat in one of the rooms and explain they may well give one even though you are a student. You have income coming in. That way you wouldn't have to take it. Then you can sort it out after the exams.
My DH works away from home. When the kids were small I worked at home after they went to bed. After my daughter was born I worked part time until she went to Secondary and then until 3.15 pm before I went to pick her up. I think you're mum is being unreasonable. You have offered to repay it what more does she want.
Good luck in your exams.

[flirtygirl]

Your comment about them letting you live with them in the holidays was very sad op. Parents are still parents when their dc are 25 or 45 or 65. Theres no time limit.

They should be helping you and you are neither entitled or ungrateful. You seem very thankful to them but they could and should be doing more to help you if they are able.

Supporting a childs education is what a parent should be doing. I feel theres a move towards pushing dc out of the door and wanted to stop support financial and emotional too early. We should give our dc the tools to be indepedent but in a family we should help each other no matter the age.

Your mum sounds like a nightmare, im sorry for you op, goodluck with your exams.

[314PrettySweetMamaJammer]

it sounds hard. one thing to help you is to realise that even generous kind parents aren't always right in their assessment of what the situation really is. i had a big bust up with my parents recently because they were confusing obedience with gratitude. they have given me money but it was all discussed at great length at the time, it was for a purpose which benefits me, the children and our futures. we were all in favour of making that move then. i was grateful. I am grateful. i will never ever cease to be grateful for what they did for us. but we hit a road bump at the beginning of this year when my dad mistook ''disobedience'' (ie, rejecting his advice, politely at first) as a lack of gratitude and then the martyrdom was truly a pantomime to behold. So....... that's it really. You can be incredibly grateful to your parents but be aware that they won't always see things clearly. They can be conflicted. They want you to be independent but there's also a part of them that wants you to be dependent!! As you edge towards independence, but getting there because of their earlier generosity, they can feel conflicted I think.
you say your parents make you feel like a criminal! well my dad thinks of me as a spendthrift!! This is based on NOTHING. I pay off my visa bill. I save. I don't buy the most expensive brands. i've no debts. My bills are taken by DD out of my b/a and there's always enough there to meet the debit.

I can go to a shopping centre for a day and come back with some hangers and a bath mat and the receipt for two coffees in my bag and he'll joke, ''well I suppose you bought everything that wasn't nailed down''. I've given up tryng to update his perception of me.

[GnomeDePlume]

OP is it possible that there is some conflict about money between your parents? Has your mum always been the more careful/conservative/suspicious one about money and your father the more relaxed/generous/trusting one?

It is possible that your DM's upbringing contains some deep insecurities about money. I think as we get older these can come to the fore again.

[HeirOfNothingInParticular]

Susannah, I don't understand where your mum is coming from, other that you have said your parents had humble beginnings. Myself and DH are not wealthy, but are financially ok. We supported DD through university as much as we could. She had a shaky start to university and left before her first term finished. She worked the rest of the year to pay back student loan (uni kindly wrote off fees as she there for such a short time) and save for holiday etc.

When DD started her next course we paid her accommodation fees, leaving her with her student loan to pay for food, travel etc. I thought that this sort of parental support was normal. She got a part time job which paid for extras. She is lucky that she does not have an overdraft or credit (other than student loan). I would be disappointed if she did as she had enough money to manage on. Both myself and DH treat DD when we can, odd meal, bit of shopping, new dress, haircut etc. We do this because we can, and it gives me pleasure to do it. I never begrudge treating my daughter.

I thought it was sad that that you said your parents "let me live with them during uni holidays". Surely it's still your home? My DD comes and goes throughout the year, and I am always delighted to see her. She still has her own room here, and will be welcome as long as I remain on this planet.

Good luck with your final exams, and for the future.

[harshbuttrue1980]

I think she's just trying to get you to be more independent as you're an adult at 23, by not making it easy for you to rely on them. She has agreed to give you the money, but she has a right to quiz you about it before she agrees - if you went to a bank for a loan, they wouldn't just hand it to you on a gold platter, so why should your parents? Answer their questions with politeness and gratitude, and set up a repayment plan. For your sake and theirs, I would make sure that this is the last time you ask for money from them.

[brassbrass]

actually harsh a lot of parents would hand it on a gold platter if it was within their means and would continue to do so regardless of age.

If I am well off and have enough spare cash I can't imagine spending it on anything more worthwhile than my own children's education.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I think it's nice that other posters are explaining that it's not that generous 'letting' you live with your parents in the hols. I didn't have that balancing voice, and it took me years after to work out why my relationship with my parents felt so different from most other people's!

My parents also came fr extremely poor working class stock, and ended up more wealthy through my dads work and lucky house buying.

But my mother made me feel guilty and excessively grateful when she let me stay sometimes in the holidays. It upset me a lot and I was very glad to get out and never stay there again except for visits when invited at Xmas etc. She definitely had/has a weird attitude to money. She guarded it voraciously and it was like she was threatened by me somehow. As if I would want to steal all 'her' money and drain my father dry unless she acted as a gatekeeper and policeman to 'her' money. It was weird.

I'd try and put all your mothers weirdness to one side and focus on your studies. I suspect your mothers attitude and behavior has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her own kinks and neuroses.

And one, super important, last thing. You are not a failure or embarrassment or anything like that, you're doing great! I think you should start counting your strengths and achievements, and channelling that pride in yourself into this last push to get your degree finished.

So... In summary (as all good dissertations should have :) ). Yup your mother sounds a bit weird in her attitude to money. Counting each penny is good, but her attitude seems to go a bit further and is making you feel bad. It's much more likely to be about her, not you. Try and put it aside and concentrate on your last studies, it will only upset you just when you need to keep your brain razor sharp and focused. Also banish all negative thoughts about her maybe judging you harshly. She's wrong. You have lots to be proud of.

Good luck with the final few days

[Woopsiedaisy]

Reading your OP very carefully, I suspect you are worrying that your Mum feels something, which just isn't her thought process.

The clues are all there in her humble beginnings, the fact that she didn't work when you were young and her age (assumed from the fact she is now retired).

The feelings of scarcity she would have had as a youngster (magnified in the 40's and 50's by the fact the UK was very impoverished post war) won't just have gone away. They will be there for ever. The fact that she never worked will have made her more careful. There is something quite scary about never having your own source of income, even if your partner is generous. Then to top it all, they are now Retired, with more limited options in terms of earning if we suddenly hit a period of Hyperinflation, worries about how to fund Care Home costs, even concerns about what will happen if your Dad goes first.

I suspect that wrongly or rightly, your Mum just feels vunerable financially.

Perhaps one way to tackle this would be to talk to her about the way she is feeling. It probably has nothing to do with your short term need for support and she may really appreciate the chance to share what she is feeling. That will then allow her to be more open with you financially, knowing you understand her worries and are able to help her safeguard her position in the future.

[notinagreatplace]

I don't know if this is the case here but my mother has always been jealous of my relationship with my dad. He and I have always been a lot closer, they don't have a very good marriage, and this sometimes comes out with financial stuff. My dad has recently helped me with a large expense (IVF) and he didn't even tell her about it because it's just easier that way. Can you ask your dad what's going on?

[PoppieD]

I don't want to upset you Susannah and it may just be coming from the fact that I supported myself through uni, but I've inferred that there is a little bit if expectancy to be continually funded by your parents, this may be as others posted alien to your mum as you yourself have stated how hardworking and frugal they were. Have you been told you aren't really welcome back at home or is it just a feeling. I think people can forget that its a choice to go on to further/higher education and not a right. Maybe your mum feels a bit like this? Congrats on finishing your degree of course!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Not it's hardly fair on your Mum for your Dad to give you large sums of money without telling her. No wonder they don't have a great relationship. How would you feel if your partner did that?

Poppy but the OPs parents haven't funded her at all. She has supported herself.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

This

Poppy but the OPs parents haven't funded her at all. She has supported herself.