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Original poster

Mother weird about money

76 replies

seriouslysusannah · 07/05/2016 21:06

Disclaimer: I'm very lucky to have parental support from my parents etc. I'm early 20s and they have been very kind to me over the years. No hand-outs per se, but being there for me and supporting me on the odd occasion while I was a student. They also let me live with them during uni holidays.

They are very well-off, which is entirely due to their own hard work and scrimping. My dad had a good job but they both came from very humble backgrounds and made smart financial decisions, so it has certainly not come easy to them. They are also both very frugal.

I recently had an extremely unexpected demand from university to pay £1600 (fees), a lot of money. Student Finance are dragging their feet about it and I'm right in the middle of exams so quite stressed about finding this money.

My dad has very kindly stepped up and said that my parents will cover it. He said that my parents intended on giving me some money when I graduate this year so they will take it out of this sum. Very very kind.

When my mum heard about it though, she became almost cross?? She insisted on me sending them the email, asked if there was interest attached to it, quizzed me about it. I feel like crying! She has always been very suspicious and hesitant where money has been involved, which I find so unfair as I have never ever relied on parental hand-outs to get by! I had a job throughout university and virtually supported myself.

I really want to try and pay for it myself now as a matter of principle but I really can't find the money in a matter of days. Why is she being like this?! She has always been like this. A few months ago I received a rent deposit back from my landlord (about £600) which had originally been paid for by my parents. My dad said I could leave the money in my account "for emergencies" but my mum demanded it back (well not actually but she expressed her disapproval so much that I instantly transferred it).

I hate this attitude!! Sad I feel like a fucking criminal.

OP posts:
JenniferYellowHat1980 · 07/05/2016 22:15

Did you love with your parents before uni? If you live with them in the holidays it sounds like they should be expected (as far as student finance are concerned) to support you financially to some extent.

brassbrass · 07/05/2016 22:17

choli she is 23 I think she can read her own mother.

OP you do sound awfully awfully grateful. Is this something that's been drummed into you?

I chose to have children they didn't ask to be born and see it as my responsibility to provide for them. Granted I will at some point expect them to help themselves and work etc but if I have the means I will just fund them to make their lives easier and alleviate stress as a student when they will have responsibilities enough as working adults later on in life. It just doesn't sound like a loving healthy dynamic. I may be barking up the wrong tree (apologies if I am!!) but they sound tight and difficult because of their 'frugal' attitude to money!

rookiemere · 07/05/2016 22:20

OP it sounds like your DF and your DM have very different attitudes to giving you financial support.

If you have any future needs I'd make sure you talk to both of them at the same time, or if it's just with your DF ask him to clear it with your DM before giving you anything. It does sound a little bit like you asked your DF as you knew he'd say yes rather than asking both of them together.

I'm an only child and have had some financial support from my parents. It hasn't stopped me from making my own living or appreciating the value of things, when DS is older I would like to think that if we've got the means we would help him out where we could.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2016 22:21

SeriouslySusannah no they have been very mean. If you couldn't even access enough loan to pay your rent, then they must have had plenty of income to support you.

I have two kids in uni who get the minimum loan of £3800 or so. We top them up by £4500 each. They work jobs to pay for extras and fun. I would never expect them to work for rent and food, plus study for a degree, while I had a good income coming in. When you have your own kids you'll probably have a big omg moment about how shabby they have been to you.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/05/2016 22:22

op you say your parents are well-off. Do/did they both earn equivalent salaries, or does one parent earn a lot more than the other?

Original poster
seriouslysusannah · 07/05/2016 22:28

LaContessa they are retired, but my dad was the main earner, my mum hasn't been earning since I was born because his job often took him abroad so she looked after me and my siblings.

Reading this back, I don't think I have been very fair to my parents. I have been living back home with them these past few months. So that was very kind. They also paid for a couple of study costs for me this year, one which involved temporary accommodation, and was not cheap. I think my mum sees me as an overgrown child really, and she is probably desperate for me to stand on my own two feet. I did for a few years but then regressed by returning home. I think she is probably worried about me and maybe frustrated that I have returned home and do essentially rely on my parents more than I should at this age, and more than I used to. My degree didn't completely work out for me last year so I am still doing it now. The family are worried about me and disappointed in me I think!

OP posts:
GasLightShining · 07/05/2016 22:29

You may be 23 and so a few years into adulthood but the as far as Student Finance are concerned until you re 25 it is your parents income that is used to assess any loans. Parents are expected to make up the difference.

My DD is 21 and has been working full time since she was 18. Counts for nothing if she now decides to go to university. It will be the bank of mum and dad

You sound pretty organised and it is a shame that your mum wouldn't have made some a deal since it is not a regular occurrence. Could it be that she is more annoyed with your dad for making decisions without speaking to her first?

Hope the exams go well

JosieGlow · 07/05/2016 22:30

OP you sound very well balanced and appreciative of what your parents do for you. Top marks. Could you just say to your parents that you'll happily talk to them once your exams are over, and thank you dad for the temporary hand out so that you can concentrate on your study for the next few weeks?

brassbrass · 07/05/2016 22:30

what do you mean your degree didn't work out?

Originalfoogirl · 07/05/2016 22:31

I agree with brassbrass. I found the home for the holiday statement sad too. And the "they've been kind to me". I'm also astounded that very well off parents only supported you "on occasion" whilst you were a student. Parents (where they can) pay for their children's education. It's what they do, isn't it?

It isn't sponging off your parents to go home in the holidays (even at 23!). I lived with my parents til I was 25, on and off. I never saw it as sponging. When I was working I paid digs, when I was studying I lived rent free. It didn't stop being the family home when I hit 18. In fact, I'm 42 and my parents still refer to it as my bedroom 😄 My parents paid for me to be a student. They were guarantor on a mortgage for a flat for me, which I rented out rooms in to cover the payments. They gave me money for food and utilities, but they also expected me to have a part time job to pay for the social stuff (not that I had much time what with working and studying). I know I was lucky they were able to afford it, and I'm grateful they worked hard so they could do it. I wouldn't say I expected it, but similarly, there was never really any question whether they would. It's just...what parents do, isn't it? I certainly will.

I'm not sure what your mum's motives are, but, when someone who is 23, is making comments about being afraid to be seen as a sponger, I'm guessing it's something that has been going on for a long time. Has she always made you feel like you need to look after yourself rather than lean on them for support?

Its not uncommon for self made wealthers to want to encourage their children to stand on their own two feet, to not feel entitled and just look forward to an inheritance. Or it could be that is how she was brought up and it's all she knows. Either way, if it's becoming a problem, maybe sit down and have a chat with her about it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2016 22:31

Possibly your degree didn't work out for you because you were working to keep a roof over your head and worrying about money rather than focus sing on your studies.

Original poster
seriouslysusannah · 07/05/2016 22:34

By my degree didnt work out I mean that I have taken extra time to finish it. So I am finishing my final year over two years rather than one.

OP posts:
Husbanddoestheironing · 07/05/2016 22:35

I'm with forever on this - I expect (as it is an odd thing to come up now) she just wants to check it out and satisfy herself that it's a genuine demand. On the positive side it sounds like you don't need to worry about them being scammed as they get older Smile

BeauGlacons · 07/05/2016 22:36

Our son is 21 and at uni. We don't "let him stay" in the uni holidays. He comes home because it was is and always will be his home.

You poor thing op. Sounds awful x

GasLightShining · 07/05/2016 22:39

OP - Did you move back home because of studying? Moving home isn't always a regression.

My degree didn't completely work out for me last year so I am still doing it now. The family are worried about me and disappointed in me I think!

I would be proud of the fact that whatever happened last year you carried on and didn't jack it in. I feel sad at your disappointed comment - have they made comments or are you being paranoid? I do hope it the second as it is unforgivable if they are saying things

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/05/2016 22:40

op I suspected that might be the case re: your parents and their jobs. My parents had the same situation: my dad was by far the main earner and was/is calm and collected with money, whilst simultaneously being very generous. My mother earned a meagre amount in comparison (all my dad's money was family money, all her money was hers Hmm) but when she retired she got incredibly defensive/adversarial about THEIR money, in the way you describe your own mum.

The way I saw it, my dad had a quiet confidence about the fact that we loved and respected him regardless of how much he brought in. My mother did not, and that gaping void of self-confidence was filled up with her acting like a big influential person wrt THEIR money. My dad didn't do that shit because he didn't need to.

Just wondering if any of that resonates.

GasLightShining · 07/05/2016 22:42

My DS starts uni in September and as BeauGlacons says he will be coming home for the holidays.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/05/2016 22:43

By the way op, my 27yo DSis is living in my parents' home, with no job and paying no rent, while my dad lives overseas setting up a new business venture. She is slowly changing the house into her own - it is filled with boxes of literal crap (old broken things she's been meaning to sort through etc) and she has acquired cats. She gets annoyed at our DF when he asks what her plans are in life (not grilling, more in terms of conversation) and makes his infrequent stays in the UK unpleasant in the hopes that he'll leave more quickly.

So you could be a LOT worse Grin

ImperialBlether · 07/05/2016 22:44

OP, my ex and I pay my 24 year old son's rent and we give him money for food each month because he's doing a course that has no student loan. For me, I want my children to reach their potential and to love what they are doing. I think that's normal. If you can afford it, you help your children. Your mum hasn't actually contributed to the family's income and she could have once you were in secondary school, at least. In my opinion she has no right to bitch about you needing money when she doesn't contribute at all. I know I'll get flamed for this, but to be honest, I don't care!

brassbrass · 07/05/2016 22:46

I expect I'll be the grateful one if mine come back home in the holidays and not go off galavanting with their friends Grin

Originalfoogirl · 07/05/2016 22:51

brassbrass me too. She's only 7 but I'm dreading her leaving already. However, she's convinced she will live here forever, and has already sorted out where her husband and baby are going to sleep 😂

Originalfoogirl · 07/05/2016 22:54

I don't entirely disagree with you imperial but that does rather suggest that raising a family, when father is working abroad, isn't contributing to the finances, which I think some SAHMs might take objection to.

Ps, not flaming, just saying 🌷

GasLightShining · 07/05/2016 22:55

Original Hope you remind her of that in a few years time when the hormones kicked it and she hates you!

GasLightShining · 07/05/2016 22:58

My DH often went away with no notice and I still managed a part time job.

Iflyaway · 07/05/2016 23:00

Your parents don't sound on the right page, with each other, or with you.

Why is that, just wondering. Must be incredible to have to deal with that....

Hope it will work itself out - don.t let them sabotage your future/life!