To think DP needs to grow up

[Bluebellsareup]

Kids have been high as a kite all day, wrestling, play fighting, we all had a big family cushion fight earlier etc etc.

DS and DD were running around with some masking tape tieing each other up with it and then they started doing it to me and dp (their stepdad).

DP got hold of the masking tape and started tieing DS up. DS was laughing and trying to get out of it. DS realising DP had managed to get him then suddenly flipped and started lashing out at DP. DP stopped what he was doing and DS pulled the tape off. DS then went for DP hitting and kicking (very out of character for DS) and started shouting I hate you I wish i'd never met you. They are usually best mates so it was a bit shocking but probably the result of everyone being a bit over the top today. I told DS to go upstairs and calm down. DS then picked a toy up and threw it into the kitchen where we were standing.

I then shouted as DS to get upstairs and calm down.

DP has stropped out of the house shouting that he won't be spoken to like that and where is the respect for him.

AIBU to think that DP should grow up a bit and realise DS was just angry and would've calmed down in a minute given a chance and then obviously made to apologise.

DS did come downstairs a minute ago to say sorry but DP isn't here

FWIW I was on DPs side until he took it personally and started sulking!

[WhoJazz]

your ds probably reacted to the vulnerability of the power differential.

This. And everything else Haybales said.

Very scary for a child. He just panicked.

[MarianneSolong]

I think the best way to stop children being angry, is to - when possible - avoid the situations which trigger and provoke rage.

I think anger can be a legitimate emotion. Children are dependent on adults and sometimes that dependence is scary.

Even as more 'independent' adults, we can feel rage at those who seem to hav power over us. As in, 'I hate my boss'. Or sometimes, 'I hate my partner'

As a child if I got upset I was told not to shout or bang doors, and to be polite. Also to 'shut up' and to go to my room. I felt that my tire feelings were nothing. Of no consequence at all. I felt neglected and ignored and unhappy.

But children do have a very strong sense of fairness. If something in the way a child is treated strikes them as unjust, then anger is a natural reaction. I think if parents put all their energy into suppressing that anger, it will just come out in some other way which will probably be more difficult to deal with.

[PirateFairy45]

Someone screaming at him saying they hate him and had never met him?.

YABVU. That's hurtful and he has every reason to go out and cool down. He's been hurt. Your son is 8 and you said they are usually best of friends. Your DP probably is wondering what the hell he'd done to be spoken to that way.

Come on, tell me if it wasn't the other way around, you wouldn't be hurt.

Go easy on him and make sure your son apologises.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I think rough play like that is a really bad idea with small children. They don't know when to stop and it almost always ends in tears. It might be something you encourage but I'm surprised it hasn't ended like this before. Small children don't know when to draw the line - especially when adults join in.

That aside, I'm not surprised your DP walked away! Being a step-parent is bloody hard and his step-son has just kicked him, hit him and told him he hates him. That has to sting big time. He took on your DS when he didn't have to, and your DS behaved appallingly - and all you did was send him to his room.

Sorry, but at 8, he should know better. He should know not to throw things in anger, kick and hit, and he should know that telling someone he hates them is not nice behaviour. What consequences is he going to have for behaving that way?

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

DP needs to grow up and not storm out of the house but you need to realise that DS's behaviour was unacceptable and yes it was over excitement and anger but still not excusable, he's not a toddler.

[FlyingScotsman]

Your ds reaction would be quite a 'normal' one in my house, esp the switch thing.
Yes it does happen when they are overstimulated and then suddenly something isn't a game anymore. It's a threat/a huge source of stress or anger.

My reaction has always been to send said child to their room to calm down.

As a parent, I think it's not surprising to take that sort of reaction (incl the toy throwing) personal sometimes. But not so personal as to go out of the house moaning like your DP did (I have done that ONCE as a reaction to DH behaviour and was told in no uncertain terms by MN that it was childish behaviour and very PA...).
My first reaction was to say there was more to that than just this incident but you are saying this is not the case.

In that case, I would say that your DH might well have been overexcited too and that's the reason why he took your ds's reaction badly.

[MarianneSolong]

I'm a step-parent and it took my stepdaughter until she was 19 to get the courage to say she hated me.

I think she needed to say it, and we have actually got on a lot better ever since she did. (There'd been a patch of a couple of years before that where she just became very withdrawn.)

I think she loved me, but hated me too. Or hated aspects of me. Looking after children - especially other people's - doesn't mean you're always going to be loved and appreciated and thanked and rewarded with perfect behaviour.. It's a longterm thing, with some really, really tough moments.

[FlyingScotsman]

Btw, I would also expect a parent (and I incl a stepparent) to know that children will scream whatever goes through their mind when they are really angry.

If every parent was reacting like this when their child is screaming 'I HAAAATE YOU' there would be a lot of people wondering around in the streets!
Yes it's not a nice thing to say. But by the same token, it's not an unusual thing to say either.

[lateforeverything]

Crikey Flying in 10 years my dss has never, ever said anything like that. Sound like I got off lightly

[lateforeverything]

And I mean that with zero sarcasm. I mean I'm a fortunate sm.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I know the DS doesn't have to be grateful, but it must be really hard to take on a child and be told that they wish they hadn't met you/that they hate you.

I see parents on here get really upset that their child as said they hate them - it stings, but as a biological parent, you have unconditional love for that child. A step-parent doesn't have that and I don't think that "it's okay that you feel that way, but I love you very much" instinct is necessarily right there on tap.

Ideally, he would have stayed, but I think his feelings were probably quite badly hurt and he just didn't want to stay in that environment. Not perfect behaviour, but quite understandable, I think.

[BertPuttocks]

I agree that the sudden imbalance of power is what probably made your DS flip out. Messing about with a child of a similar age is one thing. Being tied up by an adult who is at least twice your size is entirely different.

It's okay for your DP to walk away to calm down but equally he should be prepared to accept your DS' apology.

Maybe this would be a good time to cut out the physical games.

[lateforeverything]

Well put Hermione

[Costacoffeeplease]

I agree it was ridiculous for your partner to get involved in the 'game' and it went too far

[TrixieBlue2016]

For a child going from best of friends to saying I hate you/wish I never met you is quite a serious change. Speaking as a step mum DSS10, I would be hurt by this.

Have you spoken to your DS as to why he got angry, why he said this? These sorts of things don't come from nowhere.

Does DP usually play fight with him? I suggest that why DS reacted badly is more important than wanting DP to grow up.

Your DP reacted well, the way an adult is ment to. HTH

[firesidechat]

Am I the only one who thinks that games of tying people up with tape are a bit odd? Sounds like the whole thing got totally out of hand to me.

I have to say that I was thinking the same thing. It wasn't a game we played with ours. I also think there is a big difference between children tying each other up and an adult tying up a child. I'm not excusing the son in this, but I can see how panic could cause such an extreme response. It would in me too.

[AnyFucker]

Same here. The thing about masking tape is that it gets tighter and tighter the more you struggle

It's a very silly idea to play these kinds of games. They were never allowed in our house when the kids were small and I would say that any adult that either plays them or condones them has some "growing up" to do

[FlyingScotsman]

late my dcs ahve never dreamed that at me either.
But I know plenty of children in RL who have done that and screamed at their parents or step parent.

And YY Hermione it's probably harder to take when you are a step parent. That's when the rational you need to take over though and that was a very very string reaction to a situation that has never happened before.
Surely, the first reaction shoould be 'what has happened there? It's unusual' rather than 'I'm feeling so hurt by these words that I have to get out of the house (not even go in a another room) to be able to calm down'

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Oh, he definitely shouldn't have walked out - but nobody is perfect and I don't think it's necessary to tell him to grow up or haul him over hot coals for it. He was upset and probably quite angry and being told that - so he walked away to diffuse the situation.

He's back now, so it just sounds like he had a walk around the block to clear his head. Yes, he should have stayed but walking away was preferable to him shouting or lashing out verbally.

[LouBlue1507]

It's not just about the words that have been said, DS physically tried to attack his step dad and then threw a toy at him! Why are people so dismissive of this? Really? God help them when he's a big teenager!

[firesidechat]

The thing about masking tape is that it gets tighter and tighter the more you struggle

It's also much more difficult to tear apart than you would imagine.

I can imagine that the boy was flooded with adrenalin and it was flight or fight. It's very difficult to control that visceral reaction and I would cut the lad some slack, as long as he apologises.

[firesidechat]

Context is everything Lou.