To think DP needs to grow up

[Bluebellsareup]

Kids have been high as a kite all day, wrestling, play fighting, we all had a big family cushion fight earlier etc etc.

DS and DD were running around with some masking tape tieing each other up with it and then they started doing it to me and dp (their stepdad).

DP got hold of the masking tape and started tieing DS up. DS was laughing and trying to get out of it. DS realising DP had managed to get him then suddenly flipped and started lashing out at DP. DP stopped what he was doing and DS pulled the tape off. DS then went for DP hitting and kicking (very out of character for DS) and started shouting I hate you I wish i'd never met you. They are usually best mates so it was a bit shocking but probably the result of everyone being a bit over the top today. I told DS to go upstairs and calm down. DS then picked a toy up and threw it into the kitchen where we were standing.

I then shouted as DS to get upstairs and calm down.

DP has stropped out of the house shouting that he won't be spoken to like that and where is the respect for him.

AIBU to think that DP should grow up a bit and realise DS was just angry and would've calmed down in a minute given a chance and then obviously made to apologise.

DS did come downstairs a minute ago to say sorry but DP isn't here

FWIW I was on DPs side until he took it personally and started sulking!

[Bluebellsareup]

8 year olds say things out of anger that they don't mean! At what point did I allow his behaciour? I told him firmly to go upstairs and calm down, I would've spoken to him and explained it was a hurtful thing to say to DP.

DP could've acted like a grown up, realised DS was angry and then accepted the apology.

They usually get on very well, DP has been his stepdad for 4 years.

[Bluebellsareup]

Do your kids not say I hate you out of anger? That's a normal kid thing to do?! I usually reply a bit nonchalantly with 'well that's a shame because we love you'. They come and say they didn't mean it 5 minutes later.

[Seeyounearertime]

I think DP did the right thing TBH.
If he was angry and upset then staying in the house would have likely as not lead to an argument. better that he take himself off and cool down for a while before coming back.

[Bluebellsareup]

Anyway DP is back now and DS is crying and saying sorry.

DS had been tieing his sisters up and trying to tie us up. I think the frustration came from being 'beat' by DP and that we were all laughing, as we had been when he was tieing us up.

[lateforeverything]

Ok so he's known dp since he was 4 and has now said that he wished he'd never met dp. That sounds like it might have been building up and this is poss a symptom of a much bigger situation/problem.

I personally would have have been left reeling if my dss spoke to me like that and in all honesty I think it's better for dp to have left than to have had an angry argument with ds in the heat of the moment.

[AnyFucker]

Physical playfighting like this always ends in tears

[LouBlue1507]

I'm sorry but I can't believe how dismissive some people are on here, not only has DS thrown a toy towards the parents but went to hit and kick his step dad! I don't care how angry a child is, not acceptable!! No wonder OH walked out! It's hardly a little strop like some of you seem to be making it out to be! This needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

[curren]

I think you are transferring some upset at your ds, on to dp.

Your dp is an adult and if he felt he needed to leave the house, then that's that.

[MarianneSolong]

I think it's difficult when there is playfighting. If you're a child how do you know how much aggression is allowed, and what the point is when things are going too far>

It's for adults to set the boundaries. I think it was risky for the stepfather to join in the children's game and use his superior strength to tie his stepchild up.

I think that it's a bit lacking in respect for the 8 year old boy, who probably lost control as a consequence.

Nobody seems to come out of this very well.

What's needed is a new set of rules for everybody about what kind of play is allowed, up to what point. Ways in which you can and can't speak to one another.

[Sallystyle]

I would be mortified if my child acted like that. My dh would have walked out too, mainly to calm down and I would likely have done the same because that behaviour would make me so mad I would need to calm down before I could discipline them properly.

It wouldn't be the words that I would be so upset about but the throwing something and kicking etc.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

You've said yourself that your son's behaviour was shocking, and indeed that's absolutely how it comes over. It's easy for you to take it calmly, but you aren't the one who, out of the blue, was being hit and kicked and shouted at. You object to DP taking it personally, but surely it absolutely was personal?

[Sallystyle]

BTW my children have said mean things to me out of anger once or twice. I am pretty sure they probably meant them right at that moment but there were no bigger issues, they were angry and said what they thought would hurt and meant only in that moment.

If your DP upset him he probably did wish that he never met him but it doesn't mean he always feels that way deep down.

I stamped on that behaviour and it's not a problem anymore but a lot of children will say something mean at some point in anger.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Out of all of that, your question is whether your DP needs to grow up. Really?

Your DP has done nothing wrong. He stopped immediately, he didn't relatiate either physically or verbally. He's just been kicked, hit & told, by the kid he presumably loves and thought loved him, that he hates him & wishes he'd never met him - that's got to hurt. Whilst you did very little about it except send DS to his room. He's taken himself off to regain his composure/calm down. Good on him.

As for your DS - I don't know if I'd be more worried or more angry. I'd be very worried if this was (as you say it is) completely out of character - I'd want to know where the hell it had all come from and we would be talking about it. Now. Properly. If you can be sure it hasn't come from something else that's happened & that DS was just kicking off 'hitting where it hurts' then I'd be looking st the consequences for being so horrible to a member of the family & doing something so naughty. Kicking, hitting, throwing stuff...this cannot be ignored & put down to DS being 'angry'. Completely unacceptable behaviour.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Am I the only one who thinks that games of tying people up with tape are a bit odd? Sounds like the whole thing got totally out of hand to me.

[Bluebellsareup]

Anyfucker, I literally said 5 minutes before hand this will end in tears.

We allow playfighting, I know some people hate it but I think it's (usually) a safe way to test boundaries and burn off some energy.

There's no wider issue with DP.

I don't think this is about a stepdad/real dad thing either. I'd expect his real dad to act the same way too.

[RaspberryOverload]

firesidechat Mon 02-May-16 16:58:46
I don't know about this. Being tied up, even by some one I loved would seriously freak me out and I have no bad past experiences to account for this. It might be that your son was ok up to a point and then felt threatened by what was happening to him, especially if someone bigger and stronger was doing it. I know it was meant to be a bit of fun but sometimes these things go too far.

I think that none of us know how we feel about being tied up until it actually happens, which isn't likely to be often.

It sounds as if the DS flipped and probably got a little scared at the restraints. And fear often comes out as anger for a lot of people.

I can't condone his behaviour but can certainly understand it, as I was in a similar situation when playing as a child with some older kids(cowboys and indians sort of thing). I found out that when someone bigger than you ties you up, it's very worrying. Even if you originally found it funny, there's a moment when you really wonder if you'll get out of the ties.

[MarianneSolong]

Is it worth stopping to think how we'd feel if somebody twice our size, taller, stronger - not our own size, weight and strength - started tying us up? Is it a game that would carry on being a good game?

Might we feel angry and scared? Might we feel afterwards that we wanted to get back at the person who had made us feel that way? Perhaps we would need some reassurance....

This isn't saying that chucking toys at people is to be encouraged. It's saying that it is important that the adults in the situation try to be the adults and to think about what is going on.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I don't like the sound of the 'game', tbh, and would have nipped it in the bud before it started. It's not appropriate, much less so for your dh to do it, and I agree with those suggesting that your ds probably reacted to the vulnerability of the power differential.

Your ds' behaviour was not great, but he's a child, and your dp is an adult. Children lash out and say hurtful things. They need to be shown it's not OK, but they need to see adults reacting maturely to it, and it does ring a tiny warning bell to hear your dp stropping about 'respect'. IIWY I would be listening carefully to your ds re how he feels about dp.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Also, why did you send DS to his room and not your DP? It was your DP who was locked, hit, shouted at...does DP not feel able to discipline 'your' children?

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

Exactly Marianne and raspberry

I'd have stopped that game between my dcs. I definitely wouldn't have joined in.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Since when is it OK to say horrible things if you are speaking out of anger? You are being rather easy on the DS there.

DP stropping out shouting that he won't be spoken to like that is over the top. Who was the shouting directed at? You didn't "let" your DS speak to him like that anyway did you. You sent him to his room.

I tend to be wary of people who strop and shout about deserving respect. Respect is earned. Shouting and stropping reduces any entitlement to respect.

[ChicRock]

No my son has never said he hates anyone, much less to their face, in anger. He has never hit, kicked or thrown a toy in anger either, at least not since he was 2. I wouldn't tolerate it.

Then again when he needs to burn off some energy we tend to go on a bike ride or play football in the garden, not tie each other up with masking tape.

If you're going to allow this type of play at least you now know how it'll be likely to end in future.

[Bluebellsareup]

The game probably sounds worse than it was and I know lots of MNers don't like play fighting or allow it.

It's not something that is usually a problem. The DC love wrestling and often jump me or DP for a rough and tumble.

They weren't hog tieing each other!