To think DP needs to grow up

[Bluebellsareup]

Kids have been high as a kite all day, wrestling, play fighting, we all had a big family cushion fight earlier etc etc.

DS and DD were running around with some masking tape tieing each other up with it and then they started doing it to me and dp (their stepdad).

DP got hold of the masking tape and started tieing DS up. DS was laughing and trying to get out of it. DS realising DP had managed to get him then suddenly flipped and started lashing out at DP. DP stopped what he was doing and DS pulled the tape off. DS then went for DP hitting and kicking (very out of character for DS) and started shouting I hate you I wish i'd never met you. They are usually best mates so it was a bit shocking but probably the result of everyone being a bit over the top today. I told DS to go upstairs and calm down. DS then picked a toy up and threw it into the kitchen where we were standing.

I then shouted as DS to get upstairs and calm down.

DP has stropped out of the house shouting that he won't be spoken to like that and where is the respect for him.

AIBU to think that DP should grow up a bit and realise DS was just angry and would've calmed down in a minute given a chance and then obviously made to apologise.

DS did come downstairs a minute ago to say sorry but DP isn't here

FWIW I was on DPs side until he took it personally and started sulking!

[Bluebellsareup]

Yes they use their safe word all the time! It's mercy!

[Seeyounearertime]

Could double standards be alive and well.....?

Or it could be that MN isnt a hive mind, its thousands of different people with thousands of different views on every subject. So it will be antural to have two similar threads and get very different repsonses. Christ, you could post the same identical thread to Chat and to AIBU and get very different responses.

[MarianneSolong]

Also interested by the comments about how good it is of the stepfather to take on another man's child and how after 4 years the son ought to be used to him.

I don't think that this is the general attitude to stepmothers on Mumsnet. Frequent responses to stepmothers include:-

• you ought to have known what you were getting into
  
• questions as to whether the step-parent responsible for the breakdown of the marriage
  
• poor behaviour by the stepchild is absolutely to be expected because they have been irretrievably damaged by the breakdown of their parents marriage
  

These are extreme and often hostile responses. But it's slightly weird that Mumsnetters - perhaps because they're women - think it's quite right that stepchildren should show ambivalence towards female step-parents.

Yet, at the same time, stepchildren are expected - perhaps after a relatively short initial period of adjustment - to be grateful towards stepfathers for 'taking them on', and to show respect towards them...

Could double standards be alive and well.....?

[MTPurse]

They have a safe word to stop play if they want

Did your ds use the safe word to stop playing?

[MarianneSolong]

Do mothers want respect from their children? I'm not sure they do - though we appreciate a reasonable standard of behaviour and would like children to realise when they've lapsed and be able to say sorry.

'Respect' seems a very blokish thing, A bit more like army officers? It also seems like an area of possible contact as male children get older.

It would strike me as a lot more honest in that situation if the man said, 'I'm upset that my stepson has said he hates me'. Instead there's anger - as if the child is a miniature version of a private in the army, who has failed to salute a superior officer.

I think the sudden flip between, 'We're all playing a game together. (Though I'm the bigger one.' and 'Well actually you're an inferior person who ought to respect me' that is disturbing.

Yes as a step-parent I'd have found the thrown toy and the words hurtful. But I would be asking myself how I had contributed to this situation, how to avoid a repetition and how to resolve it. I'd suggest that in this context 'respect' is iirrelevant.

[lateforeverything]

I hear you usual - some people do go on about respect but after 4 years in the child's life I can see the man's point.

[Bluebellsareup]

We weren't playing some weird bondage game the DC love rough housing. They wrestle, jump each other, tie each other up, jump us, have pillow fights frequently. They have a safe word to stop play if they want. They don't punch or kick and no grabbing heads. They also aren't allowed to lick after a particularly gross game of pinning each other down and licking each other. No wet willies or purple nurples either. Although Charley horses are allowed

[LouBlue1507]

At 8 years old a child should know the difference between at fighting and lashing out of anger. He's not a toddler!
Rough and tumble play has its benefits including learning to read body language and play signals.

[FoxyLoxy123]

YABU. I thought you were going to say he smacked him or carried on doing the tape when your DS wanted to stop. Be glad he didn't take it out on your DS and did the adult thing and went to clear his head. People don't always use the right terminology when angry/stressed. Bottom line is he's hurt and it's your DS that did that with more than one action. Violence is zero tolerance here. Yes you say sorry but that doesn't make everything that just happened OK. An apology isn't a get out.

[LouBlue1507]

I'm sure the step dad hates being physically attacked too! But that's okay because DS was angry How dare a man feel disrespected!

[lateforeverything]

But surely not feeling respected caused him to feel hurt and upset?

[Lucyccfc]

8 years of age is old enough to know that kicking, hitting and throwing toys is not acceptable behaviour.i would have sent him to his room too and then when he has calmed down there would be a conversation about the behaviour and some form of consequences.

Your DP did the right thing by removing himself from the situation to calm down. I am not so calm in the face of being smacked and kicked by an 8 year old and step child or not, they would have been on the receiving end of a bollocking from me. Your DP chose not to do this, but to calmly remove himself.

[Grilledaubergines]

Yes it is a bit different but perhaps they were just enjoying the moment, and DP wanted that bonding with the children.

[firesidechat]

Don't you think an adult tying up a child is a bit different to sledding down the stairs though?

[Grilledaubergines]

flowers I think you're looking for something which isn't there.

There's a reason our grandparents said "it'll all end in tears" when playing too roughly. Sounds like they all got a bit too carried away and it ended in disaster.

Get DS to apologise and ask him to explain his behaviour to DP, so DP understands the reaction.

Step parenting is hard. H

[Redken24]

OP has already said they were all mucking about - massive pillow fights etc
and im assuming the masking tape was over clothes - ppl making it weird


We were always roughhousing as kids -
umbrella fights, wrestling in the garden, sledding down the stairs

[FlowersAndShit]

A grown man tying up his stepkids with tape? How odd.

[Redken24]

DP obviously had his feelings hurt and thats why he left - yabu

words hurt! even from a kid

[firesidechat]

Well I disagree Lou and I would consider myself at the stricter end of the parenting spectrum. Sometimes why something happened is as important as what happened.

[LouBlue1507]

Not acceptable, end of. The throwing the toy was not just a gut reaction either, he did it as he was walking off! No not everything is black and white but this situation is, DS was out of order. For OP to be more concerned at OH for removing himself from the situation to calm down than at DS for physically attacking her partner is ridiculous.

[MarianneSolong]

I think for me the 'reward' of step-parenting was the appreciation of my partner. If my stepchildren were affectionate or appreciative that was a bonus - and it really did mean a lot to me.

But I wasn't there at the start of their lives. I wasn't their own mother who gave birth to them and continued to be there for them. They weren't hardwired to love me - and if/when there was conflict I knew that there would be a degree of resentment.

You don't get unconditional love or respect. There are moments when you are genuinely close. And there are moments when they don't want you in your lives, and you have to be big and strong enough to accept that and take that, however painful it may feel.