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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DP told DD to shut up?

27 replies

LissaLoves · 27/04/2016 22:55

DP had an unexpected day off today. He has snapped at 4 year old DD and made her cry twice, huffed and puffed at 15 month old DS crying and constantly moaned at 8 year old DD since she came home, culminating in telling her to 'just shut up!' in the garden, leaving her running in in floods of tears. I spoke to him about it once I had put the DC to bed and he said she spoke in a rude tone which is why he snapped and said it. If one of the DC said 'shut up' to one of us or to each other they would be in trouble, I think it is extremely rude and ridiculous to have lost his temper with all the DC during what was supposed to be a bonus day off with them. Aibu?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 27/04/2016 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 27/04/2016 23:06

He tipped water in the sand pit she was playing in. She shrieked 'what did you do that for?!'

Shut up is so far derived from how I talk to the children or want them to talk to us or others that he may as well have told her to fuck off, hence why she was so shocked she was crying and wouldn't go back outside with him.

OP posts:
Bulletpr00f · 27/04/2016 23:14

I have told my children and dh on occasion to shut up. I have apologised every time I did so and told them I was wrong. I have never told a colleague to shut up (although I have wanted to). Why do my nearest and dearest deserve less respect?

DoreenLethal · 27/04/2016 23:16

Why did he tip water into the sand pit? Is he spoiling for a fight?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 27/04/2016 23:27

I (unapologetically) tell my kids to shut up if it is warranted.

Why the hell did he pour water in the sand pit, though? This is about more than the "shut up" isn't it.

ilovelamp82 · 27/04/2016 23:29

I grew up in a house where we weren't allowed to say shut up and so when I hear kids saying it to parents or parents saying it to kids it really makes me cringe.

That being said, I know I am in the minority in thinking that way and know that most people don't think it's as rude as I do and so I bear that in mind. It's just another way for some people to say be quiet to some people where I would feel like I was almost swearing at my kids if I said it.

I wouldn't be annoyed at him. I would just explain when you are both calm at a later point that you really don't like that expression being used with the kids and could he not say it. In order to get him to agree you will need to wait until it is a completely calm conversation rather than it sounding like you're telling him off.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 27/04/2016 23:31

Well precisely - it was a fair question from her IMO.

He would never have the balls to tell an adult to shut up and would never have said it to her in front of me so saying it to a small child is just cowardly as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
LissaLoves · 27/04/2016 23:33

He knows (and would usually agree) it's unacceptable. Tbh I think he would've denied it but he was unsure if the window was open for me to have heard him so he admitted it. Our eldest complains often that he is rude to her when I'm out of earshot.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 27/04/2016 23:34

I grew up in a house where it was perfectly acceptable for adults to tell children to be quiet or shut up. Children were absolutely not allowed to say it to adults. I didn't have a problem with it as a child nor do I now. It certainly didn't do me any harm.

DixieNormas · 27/04/2016 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pelvicallyfloored · 27/04/2016 23:46

Maybe he's worried about something and taking it out on on them rather than talk about it?

missbishi · 28/04/2016 00:03

I hate to trawl people's post history, it feels a bit stalkerish, so forgive me if I'm wrong but are you the lady who posted last week about the way her DD plays? Nobody but you allowed to join in and the same things being repeated over and over?

If so, could it be that DP is getting frustrated with her and hasn't got a clue what to do? This is in no way an excuse btw, but at the same time, I can imagine it might be very difficult to admit to that.

If not, I do apologise but it seems that there may be more to this than a couple of ill-chosen words.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2016 00:04

I don't have a problem with shut up but every thread you've started about him points to him being a bloody nob so why are you surprised A thousand times this.

DixieNormas · 28/04/2016 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/04/2016 01:04

Are you the poster Dixie refers to?

GraysAnalogy · 28/04/2016 01:20

I'm going to post based off this alone, YABU unless theres a dripfeed. It all depends on how he said it and why.

I've said oh just shurrup a few times. Not loud and screaming but I've said it.

curren · 28/04/2016 06:31

From this post alone Yabu. I don't know your posting history.

Everyone loses their temper occasionally. If you have never snapped at someone, you are in A minority. I think you are blowing this out of proportion.

BoatyMcBoat · 28/04/2016 08:08

Lissa, he's not a nice man.

witsender · 28/04/2016 08:11

I don't know your posting history either, but if you wouldn't tell a grown up to shut up you shouldn't tell a child. They deserve the same respect.

FlyingElbows · 28/04/2016 09:17

It completely depends on the context in which it was said. I'm always telling my kids to shut up. The youngest two fight and bicker and I tell them to shut up. The youngest could talk the hind legs off a donkey and is quite happy to talk all over people, I tell him to shut up. I do not scream "SHUT UUUPPPPPPP" like a mad woman though! There are times when children need to be told to shut up. I tell Mr Elbows to shut up too if he's waffling on or talking rubbish. In the confines of a mutually respectful solid relationship that's not a problem for us.

FullMoonTonight · 28/04/2016 09:57

On the basis of this post alone, YANBU. I think "shut up" is very rude. I don't use it myself to children or adults and brought my DC up not to use it either.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 28/04/2016 11:15

YANBU - he doesn't sound nice - snapping at the younger children and provoking the older one. Perhaps he just had an off day but I would have told him to shut the fuck up himself if he couldn't be pleasant to the children.

EllieinDevon · 28/04/2016 11:22

Surely the point is not what anyone else would do, but what is normal in OP's family? If 'shut up' is seen as extremely rude and unacceptable for anyone to say, adult or child, then OP is not unreasonable to be annoyed about it.

It doesn't sound great that your DH might be rude to them when you're not there and then deny it, OP.

molyholy · 28/04/2016 11:30

I remember your previous thread about him not knowing what to do with the dc and feeling intimidated by them. He sounds totally incompetent at dealing with children. he would do my head in.

JapaneseSlipper · 28/04/2016 11:34

Really surprised that so many on here are saying it's acceptable. I wouldn't say it to my kids, or if I did I'd be contrite.

Your partner sounds awful - in the kindest way possible, what do you have to say about that? Why are you with him? You are allowing your children to grow up with an unkind adult in their homes. That's an awful feeling, can't imagine what it must be like for children as young as yours.

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