To realise I sort of stopped loving my parents when I grew up

[lovebeingonthetrain]

Did this happen to anyone else? I adored them as a child so it's sad really.

[DerelictMyBalls]

Totally get you, OP. The longer I know my parents, the more I dislike them. I really appreciate that my mum went through pregnancy and childbirth and breastfed me and everything, but they did an abysmal job at everything else and add no value to my life. It's like I started off loving them by default, and over the years it has slowly dawned on me how selfish, neglectful and abusive they are/were.

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

My mother was not abusive, but she was/is highly critical and never affectionate.

As a childless adult, I spied these little things I thought she could have done better, been kinder. But I could also see the impact of her own childhood and appreciate she'd done the best she could, far better than her own parents had managed.

Then I had DS, and I lost a little bit of that understanding and compassion. Because I think I love him more than I think she ever managed to love me, and that hurts. Why didn't she want to cuddle me? Sometimes I hear her voice in my own accidentally, I can hear myself getting ready to criticise him for nothing at all really, and I wonder if she ever heard it herself, or stopped to realise that it hurt. :(
Again, I can be compassionate and think that she tried hard and succeeded at being kinder than her parents; I can think that, if I do love DS more than she loved me, that's because she loved me enough to enable that. Incremental improvement from one generation to the next. Probably DS will look back at me and say all these things too. Probably also I was harder to love than some children are - I was/am aloof, untactile, prickly. It has been such a revelation to have DS and realise I can be affectionate and gentle and kind.

My mother and I are very alike and can have an enjoyable conversation. But when I see properly close, loving, unconditionally supportive families, I get such a pang of sadness,

[lovebeingonthetrain]

I have memories like that, I keep going back to (like the PP with the headband.) I once tripped and dropped and smashed a plate and she looked at me and said 'you stupid bitch.' It was filled with such loathing and contempt though.

[goshnotme]

Mine were a bit abusive. But sometimes they could be kind, which is confusing. I think I feel sorry for them more than anything now because they're getting old (in their 70s) and a bit frail. They can still upset me and I find the best thing to do is to keep my distance and only see them in very small doses. That gives a veneer of niceness. Any more than that and it might kick off and then I'd have to storm off and never speak to them again. Which is what my father did with his parents.

Like father, like daughter you see, except that I'm trying not to let history repeat itself. Although sometimes I think they actively want it to, as though it would somehow be healing for them to wreak the same havoc on their relationship with me as was wreaked on my father's relationship with his parents. In the same way that an abused child often goes on to abuse their own children. Except that I won't.

[greenbloom]

I tolerate mine and feel a mild affection for them, but that is all. They had their own issues when I was growing up and my mother in particular was kind but rather emotionally detached. They did not get on with each other and that was hard to bear. It is easier to see all that as an adult, but also feel frustrated as they never thought about the effect their unhappy marriage would have on their child. It is sad.
As a mother myself I am showered wth love daily and wish I could have been my own mother.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

Nell I had a lot more compassion and patience with my mother until I had my own girls.

I used to think parenting was hard and I'ld excuse her behaviour because of her own childhood.

Now though.. that I've had my own children.. bollocks to that! I love them unconditionally. I no longer can even begin to try to understand why she was how she was with me now that I've experienced being a mother myself.

[seasidesally]

get where your coming from op

i feel the same about my mother,she only lives 10mins walk from me but havent seen her for 7mths she is very cold and critical and now im older ive decided i dont have to be in her company anymore

im an adult and just because she is my mother dosent mean i have to put up with her anymore

i often think when she passes i wont feel anything,i really dont think i will

[sophree]

I understand what you mean. Although I don't remember ever adoring mine. But now that they aren't my mummy and daddy as people there not my kind of people..

[KeyboardMum]

You're not really giving us a lot to go on OP. Try to see it from our point of view -> You've given us one instance of your mother acting out when you were little, it makes it hard to gauge what you are trying to get out this thread. Are you looking for advice, or affirmation?

My mum acted out a when I was little. She was unhappy in her relationship and used to drink a lot. She went through a couple of abusive marriages, which also affected my sister and I, before she found my stepdad who is a lovely human being and treats her like a goddess. Not long after that, life improved and I had a much happier teenage life, before becoming a happy adult.

But I never stopped loving my mum or my stepdad, not once. Even now that I'm 26 and pregnant with my son, I still love my mum and would do anything to see her happy. I generally enjoy going for food with my parents, or having a few bottles of wine with them. I even go on holiday with them occasionally - and there is never any friction. The thought of losing my mum, or my stepdad, is actually quite unbearable for me.

So I feel quite sad for you to feel the way you do. Something really shit must have happened.

[Pettywoman]

I love my mum. I will be distraught when she dies. I feel like we understand each other really well. She's a good friend, a great granny to the dcs and a lovely mum.

We got a strong bond during my teen years after my dad died. She was amazing.

[TudorLady]

Am with you lovebeingonthetrain . For similar reasons to many PP. My mother was very hot tempered and physically abusive to my sister. My dad turned a blind eye. Neither were affectionate or particular great parents. Have not dared go on the stately homes thread, though they have featured on a few posts/thread on here.

Like Madge said The worst thing is that I see flashes of her in myself when my kids are pushing my buttons, .. I can hear her in me if I lose it a bit and start shouting. It terrifies me to be honest, I don't want to be like her. So I don't love her, because she was a pretty crap mother and it's affected my self esteem so much growing up. I also feel angry with her for the parenting legacy that she's left me with, although I'm working hard to break the cycle.

I don't hate them. I have just really, really detached. As a form of self-protection I think.

[DoorbellsSleighbellsSchnitzel]

I don't love my mum and I'm fairly ambivalent towards my dad. I don't think I've ever actually admitted to it in black and white, although I've realised it for a good number of years. A few of the posts here have really resonated with me though and even as i thought about posting here i could feel my heart beat faster and a wave of nausea come over me at actially verbalising it. I feel fucking awful for not loving them and wish that I had a functioning normal parent/child relationship with at least one of them but approaching 40 I can't see it happening now! It makes me angry to realise that she had such a negative impact on me as a child and it makes me angry with myself that I've let that shape me as an adult and still affect me even now.

[greenbloom]

Judging by all the posts here you are not alone op. I'm not sure there ought to be any 'should' when it comes to love. It's difficult to force it in any case. As adults we don't need parents for any practical purpose - they've finished doing their job. Any further relationship is a happy testament to their skills.

[missymayhemsmum]

I'm not sure I ever really thought about loving my parents as a child or young adult. I was sometimes angry with them, sometimes a bit bored with them, frequently grateful to them, sometimes scared of what they would say, and just took it for granted that they loved me utterly (even if they also found me exasperating). I just took them for granted really.

I now realise that you have to be a pretty good parent if your kids can take you for granted!

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

fatflaps hope you've weathered the storm that Stately Homes triggered. This stuff goes so deep ...

I think we're strongly pre-programmed to love our parents. If that love dies as we grow up - there's good reasons why. It's not about blame/guilt even; it's just that if you treat a child with indifference or unkindness, then love dies.

[zeezeek]

OP I get it and feel the same. Am late 40's now with two DDs of my own. So hardly immature.

Some of the earliest memories i have of my mother is of her lying about things that had happened to me in order to make her look good. For example, I was a bit ill once, had earache or something and she took me to the GP. I remember afterwards that she made a big fuss to my grandparents about that consultation, how the doctor told her that she was one of his favourite patients, how he knew it was serious because she wouldn't have brought me otherwise and all loads of shit like that. My memory of that consultation was a cursory exam and a ex for antibiotics. I know people might conclude that as a child my memory is defective, but I was 8 and have a sort of photographic memory for events.

I was also told and believed that when I was very young i would always pretend to be ill when she was as I was jealous of her getting attention. As I got older, and developed cancer in my late teens, I realises that the converse was true. After the dx she took a lot of interest in my condition, but not me, if that makes sense, but that was because she wanted to play the role of the upset mother in order to get attention.

It was only really when my own children were ill that I realised just how fucked up her response to me was. When my DDs were injured in a car crash a couple of years ago. The utter despair I felt and the bargaining with a God I didn't even believe in, made me realise that my mother wasn't reacting the same way.

So no, I don't think I love her anymore. I won't miss her when she dies because I have been grieving for a mother for over 40 years anyway.

With my dad it's a bit more difficult because he's a different character. I logically know that he's weak and enables her, but he's a good dad. So it's hard to think of him not being there.

I, sorry for the rambling. Hope the DM doesn't read this lol

[VestalVirgin]

All children love their parents, even those with abusive parents - you are completely dependent on them, it is like Stockholm syndrome that way.

So, if you become independent and then stop loving them, I suppose there's a good reason for it.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I've never loved a relative. I loved kids I have nannies for and I love my DH and dcs and my animals but that's it.

Not every one has a happy upbringing with a close and loving family.

[MuniK]

Always had a complicated relation with my parents, although they did all they could to give us the best of everything they are emotionally challenged, but then they both had very difficult childhoods/life. Having my own made me appreciate them more still have mixed feelings though somedays i love them somedays not.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I also worry that I might be like my mum when stressed/angry. When I shout at dd and I hate myself. I don't think I do it nearly as much as my mum but what if those are the things she remembers most. I think being brought up by such a volatile person has affected my personality. I know for sure though that even though I may shout sometimes I tell dd I love her lots which my mum never did. When dd was younger (she's a teen now hence the arguing) we did loads together and were a lot closer than I was with my mum.

It's just now she's a teen and she's growing apart from me a bit I worry is it normal teenage distance or will I have another mother/daughter dysfunctional relationship.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I think it is possible for people, including parents, to exhaust your ability to love them.

^^this.

I also think that you need a balance from the person; i.e. for every time that they made you feel shit about yourself, there was at least one time when they made you feel good about yourself. My mum's bad:good ratio was about 25:1 so I struggled to love her (dead now). My dad's ratio is far closer to 1:1 and so I still love him now. I am 34 btw.

Hugs op

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

To be fair you gave no indication they were abusive. You just called them odd. In which case, yes, it's reasonable to find your feelings about them a bit...odd. Since you asked.

If they're abusive, that's a whole different OP.

[LuciaInFurs]

Yes, I don't love either of my parents. I stopped referring to them as mum or dad at some point. I'm not sure when but it didn't feel right.

My mother doesn't love me either, she stole my wedding money and my dad wishes I was a son. If I'm lucky enough to have children I hope to be better.

[MaisieDotes]

I don't love my mum. I loved her fiercely as a child. All I ever wanted was her approval- I never got it (as a child).

It was only when I grew up and distanced myself from her that she seemed to develop some respect for me.

I have a relationship with her but she doesn't know how many barriers I have up. I probably give her access to about 50% of myself, if that.

I spent my childhood and early adulthood craving the nurture I didn't get from my mother, which let to all sorts of rubbish and abusive relationships.

I remember crying for my mum as a child and her saying "stop crying! You look very ugly when you cry". That's the type of mother she was.

[NerrSnerr]

I feel the same about my mum but I don't think she likes me much either. She didn't give a shit about my wedding a few years back, didn't even book a hotel room and was lucky that someone cancelled so she got their room. I feel really sad as we were close when I was a child but then alcohol happened.