To not get up early on a Saturday?

[ktt512]

So I don't think IABU, but before my OH and I have the inevitable argument over it, thought I'd just run it past you guys!

We have my OH's DC most weekends, usually 3 on one off but often it's more (I don't have any DC's of my own). And I love my bed. Monday to Friday, my alarm and I are locked in battle and getting up is the hardest thing about my day hahaa. So on a Saturday, I like to lie in. We're not talking til 1pm or anything, but 10am is about the time I feel ready to face the world.

My OH thinks this is totally unacceptable and because the kids are there I should be up and about when he gets up (8am is a rare lie in for him, usually he's out of bed by 7.30). Apparently, my lie ins mean that they can't go out and do stuff and I hold them all up. For example, this morning, he's stropped off out to do the Tesco shop, even though I told him I'd do it, because I wasn't up by 10am and he thinks he therefore 'has to do everything himself'. I can't tell you the amount of times I've told him 'if you want to take the kids out and do something for the day, tell me the night before and of course I'll get up earlier' or 'you really don't need me to come to the park with you and the kids at 9am, if that's what you three want to do, be my guest!'

I'd also just like to say that I don't take ages to get ready either, I can be up at 10.30 and ready to leave the house at 11 if my OH decides he wants to go out on a whim!

AIBU to not think that getting up at 10am is a massive problem?

[gandalf456]

Does^ everything ^ have to be done by 10 am? I can understand if you're going out but ...?

On the other hand, a compromise would be useful. It sounds as if you're mismatched a bit. Early birds don't understand lie ins and sleepers don't understand getting up. Could you lie in one day and get up the other? ?

[LeaLeander]

Compromise would be doing activities together in afternoon stead of morning. Depriving herself of health-giving sleep to placate his childish attitude is not compromise.

[lem73]

It sounds like he resents doing all the parenting duties for the weekend.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Unlless there is a planned day out (and by that I mean a proper event like the zoo/theme park etc), you really are under no obligation to join in. Soft play/park etc are the responsibility of the parent and even then, they are endured through gritted teeth.

Its totally appropriae for him to handle the dcs day to day with you doing other household things instead (the food shopping etc).

[Bananasandchocolatecustard]

I don't understand why the FATHER resents looking after his own children. He only has them EOW, and they are his children. Can you imagine if it was the other way around!
Why should the OP be made to feel guilty about what she does on the weekend? She is not anti the children, just wants to enjoy a lie in. If the OP didn't take them to school on Monday the father would have less time with them.

[esiotrot2015]

'has to do everything', because by the time I get up he's fed the kids, fed the dogs and got them dressed and maybe put on a load of washing consisting of the kids school uniform and his work clothes

Just do all this together at ten
Let them watch tv , go on console until you're both up
If he must get up tell him to read the paper and drink tea until your up to help him with the above

Although to be frank id be sick of his whining
Hope he's got redeemable qualities

[SmarterThanTheAverageBear16]

I really don't understand this " own kids" if you choose a partner with children you treat them as your own

No, you don't. They aren't her own, they have a mother and a father, and its their job to get up early with their children, not her. She does plenty with them, but there is no reason for her to treat them as her own. It's not even possible anyway.

[RapunzelStyle]

If he was single he'd have to do "everything"

Is he sexist?

[expatinscotland]

'I really don't understand this " own kids" if you choose a partner with children you treat them as your own.'

They have a mother. And a father who resents being arsed to do what their mother does for them 5 days a week.

I struggle to understand why anyone would stay with a man like this, tbh.

I wouldn't feel a jot of guilt for lying in if I were you. In fact, he would well fuck me off considering all the other things you do. He sounds full of resentment.

[Ed1tY0urPr0f1le]

Yanbu.

My Dh has the same body clock as yours. 8am is a lie in for him and he loves an early night.

I am like you and love nothing more than a lie in. It was a constant issue between us when the DC were small. It wasn't that he wanted the lie in, he just didn't want to be lumbered with solo childcare duty for very long (and if we were all out of the house by 9ish, we could be home and done by mid afternoon and he could then slink off for a little nap leaving muggins on solo childcare duty )

I would have deeply, deeply resented giving up lie-ins before having my own DC (was bad enough when they were my own!). As you say, getting up for a particular day out is one thing but just for the mundane stuff that he can quite easily do solo - nope, would not be happening round here!

[Leigh1980]

Lol he'd hate me then. It's 2.30 where I live now and I'm still in bed 😂😳! Will get up in an hour and go to the gym.

[Lilmisskittykat]

Agreeing with everyone else.. Lie ins are precious when you work so hard and after all they are his kids

Don't feel bad xx

[ktt512]

I think if we had the kids EOW then I'd be more inclined to get up early so we could do things together, because I'd half a whole half a year of weekends to snooze on. But we have them at least 3 weekends in a row, Friday to Monday (and it's often more than that) and then our precious weekends off have to be taken up by mundane things like going to B&Q and mowing the lawn! I would rather poke myself in the eye with a rattlesnake than take the kids to B&Q.

We have other issues that feed into his resentment, things are not all well with the DC's maternal home life and they don't spend the entire week there, they get shipped around a lot to other people. He struggles with the inequality between a dad muddling around trying to do his best and a mother who makes it look a lot like she's milking the system - but that's another story!

When he got back from the shop he was actually quite jolly, I was prepared for a verbal scuffle, so that's positive lol but now i'm waiting for the 'i'm making the kids lunch and you're just sitting on the computer' strop. Oh how I love weekends!

[ktt512]

*have not half!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I really think it's because he feels he 'has to do everything', because by the time I get up he's fed the kids, fed the dogs and got them dressed and maybe put on a load of washing consisting of the kids school uniform and his work clothes. I personally can't see how this is a hardship"

No offence to him but that's not really that much in two hours really, is it? (I'm assuming he does 'everything' between 8 and 10am.) It honestly sounds like simple sexism to me - you're the woman, you should be doing all this FOR HIM. But they're his kids not yours, so yes, he should be doing everything for them. Just a thought, but how is the division of household labour through the week? Does he pull his weight then?

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Would be interesting to know how much childcare he did when still married to explore.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Ex! Autocorrect on phone as I pressed send.

[Doje]

Well, I think I'm in the minority... You're involved with a man with kids. You are now their family.

But i also love a lie in, and struggle at the moment between getting up and going out (early) as a family, and having a lie in. Maybe compromise? Saturday you get up and go out as a family, Sunday you get a lie in.

[SeaCabbage]

Have you had a proper sit down chat about your different expectations and desires for the weekends? If so, did he understand your point of view. Does he accept that it is only fair that he does what needs to be done for his own children?

[ktt512]

To be honest, he does a LOT, it's certainly not a sexist thing, he's King of the kitchen. But that's because he has this compulsion to get things done - I don't think i'd go so far as to say OCD, but he cannot leave anything and if he does, he can't relax. And if I don't do something right at the second when he mentions it (i.e. we've just finished dinner and he thinks that the washing up needs doing NOW, not in 20 minutes when I feel like I can move again) he does it himself. Which is exactly why he went to Tesco this morning, I hadn't got up by 10am so to him, I obviously wasn't going to bother to go myself.

I'm just really laid back and he's really uptight.

I pull my weight too (at least I try) he just often doesn't give me the chance! Then moans because he's 'done everything'. That and he gets home from work at least two hours before I do so he potters around the house doing bits and bobs instead of making a cuppa and watching The Chase - I certainly wouldn't begrude him that lol!

And I think it was much the same when he was with his ex, but more because she literally does nothing. I've said to him before that it's like he looks at me and assumes i'm her - i'll happily do the washing up, but i'm not his child and I don't expect to be told exactly when I have to do it.

[TheNaze73]

I think the LTB brigade would be out in force, if this situation was reversed. Kids first always. I for one would be united with him in the situation. No right or wrong but, he comes as a package

[ktt512]

SeaCabbage - We've definitely spoken about it on a lot of occasions, but I can't seem to get it across to him that it's not the end of the world if I stay in bed. I don't mind if he goes out without me and I need time for myself too, he chose to have kids so his leisure time is spent being their dad.

I spend a lot of time with the kids, I do a lot for them, I've taken on a lot of responsibilities with them, but it's like he is desperately trying to shove us into this 'perfect family' mould to give his kids some much needed stability.

And apparently the 'perfect stepmother' doesn't have a lie in on the weekends

I get that I chose to be with a man who has kids and I think I do a good job, but I didn't adopt the kids, they have a mother, they have a father. I''m like an Aunt, I care for them, I will teach them and I will nurture them, but I will also give them right back to the two people who chose to bring them into this world! And I will sleep for as long as I want on a Saturday

[nephrofox]

This is all very interesting as I think if the sexes were reversed you may be getting a different response.

Have you discussed how the children's maternal home life is effecting them and him? Is he worried that he'll end up having them full time, but that you're not fully on board with being a family?

I recognise some of myself in what you say about him - ie I'd prefer to clear the kitchen after dinner but DH would prefer to sit on the sofa. I've accepted now that either I do it myself, or he will do it but it's more likely to be at midnight after I've gone to bed. I only get annoyed about it if it's impacting on me more (like if he ever didn't do it after saying he would and I couldn't make kids breakfast for example).

[nephrofox]

OP I actually think you have have a very healthy attitude - you're definitely entitled to your time off. Does no harm for either the kids or their dad to never get in the habit of taking you for granted

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

So 'everything' consists of slinging cereal and dog food in bowls (obviously here the poor mite has to concentrate, don't want to mix the bowls up...); sending the 9 yo up to get dressed, possibly helping the younger one; stacking the dishwasher; and a bit of light toothbrush supervision?

I mean, it's hardly onerous, is it?