To not get up early on a Saturday?

[ktt512]

So I don't think IABU, but before my OH and I have the inevitable argument over it, thought I'd just run it past you guys!

We have my OH's DC most weekends, usually 3 on one off but often it's more (I don't have any DC's of my own). And I love my bed. Monday to Friday, my alarm and I are locked in battle and getting up is the hardest thing about my day hahaa. So on a Saturday, I like to lie in. We're not talking til 1pm or anything, but 10am is about the time I feel ready to face the world.

My OH thinks this is totally unacceptable and because the kids are there I should be up and about when he gets up (8am is a rare lie in for him, usually he's out of bed by 7.30). Apparently, my lie ins mean that they can't go out and do stuff and I hold them all up. For example, this morning, he's stropped off out to do the Tesco shop, even though I told him I'd do it, because I wasn't up by 10am and he thinks he therefore 'has to do everything himself'. I can't tell you the amount of times I've told him 'if you want to take the kids out and do something for the day, tell me the night before and of course I'll get up earlier' or 'you really don't need me to come to the park with you and the kids at 9am, if that's what you three want to do, be my guest!'

I'd also just like to say that I don't take ages to get ready either, I can be up at 10.30 and ready to leave the house at 11 if my OH decides he wants to go out on a whim!

AIBU to not think that getting up at 10am is a massive problem?

[blueturtle6]

Unless the kids have kept him awake all night and he wants to catch up on sleep himself yanbu.

[merrymouse]

Have you had a clear discussion where you say that you'll be flexible occasionally if you are given warning, but a priority for your weekend is getting a lie in?

[LeaLeander]

Is there a big age difference, OP?

I would really resent being forced into the stepmother role and being robbed of sleep just because he's antsy or doesn't want to take them to the park himself. He should WANT to spend time focusing on his own children.

[ktt512]

Much of the same depending on the week, but we do seem to have things planned on a Sunday much more often than a Saturday. Plus, by Sunday i'm less in need of the sleep boost cos i've already had a day off! More often than not I'll be up and about by 9.

[merrymouse]

Missed! Not unissued!

[merrymouse]

Sorry if unissued this but what happens on Sunday?

[ktt512]

pearly - If I was moaning I couldn't have a lie in because of the kids, like they were loud or something, I would totally see your point, but the reason I have trouble having a lie in is because my OH throws a strop about it...I could have predicted the kids would be loud, I can zone them out, but I couldn't have predicted my OH getting to a point where me having a lie in causes him to act like a turd.

It doesn't cause the kids grief that I don't get up, I think they like it when I come out with them, but they also love having 'boy's day' and hanging out with their dad. It's not me they come to in the morning and ask to go downstairs with, it's their dad, it's not like i'm ignoring them when they want my attention...if anything, it's my other half smarting cos he doesn't have my attention when i'm sleeping!!

And at the end of the day, it's also not me they come to see at the weekend. They'll notice if i'm not there, but it doesn't exactly ruin their weekend!

[TubbyTabby]

YANBU.

i think the lie-in aggro might the tip of the iceberg with him.
he sounds not very nice at all.

[gandalf456]

This could be my husband. He likes to get up and clear up straight away after dinner. Amongst other things; he always likes to be active and doing things. He certainly sees a lie in til 10 as lazy but we do have kids together so we're up earlier than that. I am more like you though and like to chill when not working unless something specific is planned. I don't want to put my pinny on and scrub floors to prove I am not lazy!

[pearlylum]

Op you should have chosen a guy with no kids if a lie in is so important.
Otherwise get your own place and he can have his kids over at his house.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

If you having every lie in meant he never got one, id say really you could relent one weekend morning the kids are here for him (so three mornings a month out of the 8 you have currently), but it doesnt even sound like he wants the opportu ity for a lie in. He just wants you up.

Its like when parents want their teenagers up and ready for the day at 8am when there isnt even anything to do. Why shouldnt they remain in bed? If there was something planned, fine, but up at 8am to do what exactly??

[Janecc]

If it is one weekend day a week, this isn't unreasonable. You have Sunday to get up and do something or vis versa. The mother sounds like a peach and I wonder if his frustration is partly because he's projecting his last relationship with this woman who seems lazy onto you. Yes you are with a man who has young children. They need stability. As their father, I wonder if one of the qualities he is looking for in you as his partner is to help provide that stability. As you said, he seems to be expressing a need for you to do this and step into the role of step mum. You do not have to step into that role if you don't want to. However if you do not wish to be their step mum then it is only fair to tell him. Please be aware that he may then chose to find a woman who will.

[SmarterThanTheAverageBear16]

Although I agree that he chose to have children the OP chose to go into a relstionship with someone who had children

Doesn't mean she has to conform to YOUR vision of the perfect stepmother though.

[Lucked]

Could be he likes your company. Could you compromise a bit and have one weekend day where you have a proper lie in and one day where you could be up and ready to go by 9.30.

Although I agree that he chose to have children the OP chose to go into a relstionship with someone who had children.

[ClopySow]

My ex had a daughter, i have two sons. If i stayed over at his when his daughter was with him, i had long lies. If he stayed over at mine, which was rare, when my sons were here, he stayed in bed. I'd never expect someone to get up with my children nor would i expect to get up with someone elses. Unless they were shattered and needed a bit of extra sleep.

He sounds like he has massive issues and they're not about you.

[Bananasandchocolatecustard]

You should not be in the position where someone "allows" you to have a lie-in!

[flirtygirl]

Contnue to have your lie in, you help out and he can have some alone time with his kids, its only a couple of hours it wont kill him or them. You are not their mother and like you said you are like an aunt to them, you are a better step parent than most and hes bvu to not allow you a lie in as you get up on all the other days.

[cariadlet]

YABU - sorry.

I get that you enjoy a lie-in. I need to be up for 6 on a workday, so it's lovely if I don't have to set the alarm at the weekend.

But surely you can compromise. If you get into a serious relationship with someone who has children, then those children do become part of your family. They are still young enough to want to spend time with you as well as their dad. I think you need to try to appreciate that - there have been countless threads on her about step-children resenting their parent's new spouse or partner, being rude and disrespectful, playing them off against each other etc..

Why don't you stay in bed until 9 on a Saturday? That's still a lie in compared with weekdays - and it gives you all time to do stuff together.

[LeaLeander]

Think about this, OP: If he really, really cared about you and your needs, wouldn't he be happy that you get a respite from your early-waking days? Wouldn't he be thrilled on your behalf that you get two days to lie in?

Instead he is whining and pouting that HE has to care for HIS kids and urging you to cut short your restorative sleep and get out there and start hustling the housework because that is what suits HIM. The more I think about it the more I'd be telling him to fuck off.

As a pp said, this is why I will not even contemplate dating a man with kids. (At my age the kids are most likely to be adults but that doesn't necessarily solve all similar problems..) Maybe you should give him space to sort out his parenting issues without juggling a romantic relationship as well. Might be quite the eye-opener for him.

[Dragongirl10]

Op YAso NBU,

He is BVU just because he likes to rise early is no reason for you to.

You both work, you also help willingly A LOT with his dcs...and they are not even there every weekend!

It sounds very bullying of him to think he has any right to dictate what time you get up on your time off, especially as you have said if on an occasion he wants to go somewhere early you are happy to if you know in advance.

This has nothing to do with his dcs, this is his complete lack of understanding (and respect) of you.

Does he not understand you may be shattered on a weekend and want some rest?
Most of us do.

I would sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms this is how you wish to live and he needs to be a supportive husband. As you are a supportive SM to his DCs the rest of the time.

[expatinscotland]

I think he needs some space to tackle his issues regarding his kids and ex, tbh. You're not their mother. TBH, situations like this are why, when I was single and childfree, I wouldn't touch a man with kids with a ten-foot barge pole. The lie-ins are the least of the issues. He wants someone who is just like him.

[LeaLeander]

A fault-finding martyr with a chaotic family/ex situation and several kids who, sad to say, probably are going to have significant emotional difficulties as the years wear on due to the way they have (or have not) been parented.

What's not to like, eh?

I think expecting the situation to ameliorate would be very unrealistic. It's going to get worse and the pressure will be on you to somehow pick up the slack and fit a role that you in no way, shape or form signed up for. The notion that as their father's girlfriend you somehow are "family" to these kids is hogwash. You have not adopted them nor made any other commitment to them.

I have nothing but contempt for women who try to shunt their boyfriends' kids aside or reduce contact or otherwise usurp the kids' rightful role as No 1 priority in their dad's lives. (and vice versa for boyfriends/single moms) - but you are not doing that. You are not only not obstructing, you are facilitating contact and are apparently kind to the children. That he doesn't want to spend Saturdays with them without you in lockstep with the whole gang is NOT your problem. He should have thought about all that before siring multiple kids and giving up his right to free weekends. You didn't do anything to give up the right to spend your time as you see fit.

[SmarterThanTheAverageBear16]

I'd give the exact same answer if OP was a man, it has nothing to do with that at all.

His kids, his responsibility. Living with a man who has children does not mean you are anyones mother, and it does not mean you have to be a slave to him and his children.

[AdriftOnMemoryBliss]

ktt, H & I have exactly the same dynamic, only they are our kids (same ages too pretty much, only oldest has autism, so i'm his main carer too)

I will tell you now, from one who has BTDT.

Leave HIM.

Seriously, his attitude will not change.

You will ALWAYS be in the wrong, be lazy, not good enough or sitting on your ass while he runs around doing everything, because he cant leave things for you to get to when you're ready.

Unless you want to stay stuck in a marriage where his attitude, strops and martyr like behaviour rule the roost and slowly chip away at your self esteem, and you get given orders and told how to do things to his liking, run for the fucking hills before you do end up pregnant and stuck with him.

I'm 15yrs in and planning my escape if i'm honest. i'm sick of this shit, and i'm sick of having the same arguments about who does what because i dont meet his standards.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

So 'everything' consists of slinging cereal and dog food in bowls (obviously here the poor mite has to concentrate, don't want to mix the bowls up...); sending the 9 yo up to get dressed, possibly helping the younger one; stacking the dishwasher; and a bit of light toothbrush supervision?

I mean, it's hardly onerous, is it?