...to not tell DSis exactly how much parents contributed for my wedding?

[Blitzburgher]

Very generously, my parents paid for the band and booze at my wedding 3 years ago - about £2,500. We didn't expect any money from them and my dad wanted to pay for something tangible rather than just giving cash so he chose band and booze (welcome/post ceremony drinks, table wine and champagne for toast - guests paid after the meal). We had a long engagement (3 years) to save up and pay for the wedding we wanted and were absolutely not expecting parental contributions. ILs gave a similar amount.

DSis is only 26 and has convinced herself that she's never getting married (single, out of a 4-year relationship 18 months ago) and her life is 'doomed'. She has been living with parents since break up so wants to 'demand' from my parents the exact amount that they gave me for my wedding so she can put a deposit down on her own place. I think she thinks they gave me a lot more than they actually did - a 2 bed flat where they live would be £320,000-£350,000 and I know she doesn't want to move area so £2,500 wouldn't be a significant difference to a deposit. I'm reticent to tell her the exact amount - she knows my (our) parents paid for the band and booze.

Is there a nice way of dealing with this? She absolutely won't listen to me when 'i tell her she's v. young - all her school friends are settled with children so she thinks she's left on the shelf. Also think the money thing might put my DParents in an awkward position.

[londonrach]

Id say its up to your parents to tell her. Its up to them if they want to give money.

[Whocansay]

I don't get why you're creating an issue with this. Just tell her. Really what does it matter to you? She clearly thinks they spent enough for a deposit on a house and she feels she deserves the same amount too. Tell her and the problem goes away.

Out of curiosity, how much rent is she paying to your parents? If she's living rent free, she's possibly already had her money's worth.

[BeaufortBelle]

Your parents might be glad to give her the deposit money. Just say to your patents, sis is wondering what you spent on my wedding because she wants a deposit.

I don't really see the issue. You and your brother have had some help; why can't she have some. It's more sensible to spend that money on a flat than on booze and a band anyway. She's hurting and doesn't have a relationship; why shouldn't she be able to feel settled as a singleton.

My father gave mw

[BeaufortBelle]

I meant to say my father gave me a flat deposit when I was 21 because it made financial sense. Not sure what is wrong with a young woman being helps to be financially independent.

[MyLifeisaboxofwormgears]

If you don't tell her it will fester and possibly wreck the family down the line - I speak from experience.

[coconutpie]

So your sister has been living with your parents for 18 months? Has she contributed towards this?

[Lilaclily]

pagestillnotfound404 has the best response imo
Leave it between them

[DinosaursRoar]

I would say as pagenotfound suggested - say you don't know the exact figure as dad paid directly for the band and drink, but it was roughly a couple of grand, you and your DH paid the bulk of it yourselves, with some money from pil.

It could well be she's got it in her head they paid the bulk of a £20k wedding, so it would be reasonable to expect similar sums for a deposit, of she can't see herself getting married, or even wanting the big do if she did. By refusing to discuss, you are letting her continue to think it was more than it was and cause resentment.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'd just ask her to speak to your parents. I can see that she'd wish to be treated equally and I'm sure your parents would wish to treat her equally too, so explain that you don't feel it's your place to discuss your parents' financial history/ future obligations and that she asks them directly for help with a deposit. Leave it there.

[Trills]

So your brother got help with a deposit.

You got help with your wedding.

But you don't want your sister to know how much either of you got?

She should discuss it with your parents really. But they absolutely should tell her.

[whattheseithakasmean]

I would tell my sister. It sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your sister, which is a shame. Not keeping secrets could maybe help to build bridges?

[moreshitandnofuckingredemption]

She needs to have a grown up conversation with her parents if she needs financial help. It wouldn't be you giving the money, it's not your decision or your money to give (or not). I'd keep redirecting her to your parents. I would however warn them that she feels a bit unfairly treated with respect to your brother's deposit (they'll know, but it might help hearing it from you).
I don't see how it would help to tell her how much they gave you if they will only give her anything at all when she's"settled" ie in a LTR, which is the subtext I got from the two other gifts.

[MouthyMoo]

Actually, I understand your sisters POV.

She knows her parents gave her brother and partner money for a deposit.

She knows her parents have given you money.

In her opinion she doesn't want to marry, she wants a deposit like her brother so why shouldn't she receive the same treatment?

All your wedding has done has cemented the fact that two of her siblings have got financial help that she feels that she could do with.

I totally understand that.

[OliviaStabler]

I would not tell my sister. I'd stay well out of it and tell her to talk to your parents if she wants to ask for money.

[pictish]

No idea why you would be cagey about the amount - just tell her.

[Marquand]

I think it very much has to do with how money is discussed and viewed in your family.

There are vast differences between how different families deal with money issues, (which is why money issues can create such friction between couples, too).

In our family any sense of entitlement to my parents money while they are still alive would cause major conflict. It is theirs to give if they feel like it, but neither my sister nor myself are entitled to it.

[Welshwabbit]

I can see how, to your sister, this looks as though you only get money if you're coupled up: deposit for flat with long term partner, contribution to wedding. It must feel a bit like rubbing salt into the wound if she had an unhappy break up and has had no relationship for 18 months. Of course 26 is really young but I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to her. But as you presumably don't know how much your brother got I agree that this is really a conversation she needs to have with your parents.

[peppatax]

I've been in a similar situation and it was really badly handled... Just tell her and be sympathetic to the fact that (if) she's the youngest it's hard to see older siblings be given gifts from parents which are 'contingent' on a certain event happening. The hair splitting of who lived with parents rent free for longest etc is absolutely not necessary but a tangible cash gift should be given fairly to siblings regardless of circumstances.

[PageStillNotFound404]

Mouthy I get that up to a point too but she should be having the conversation with her parents not her sister.

[EssentialHummus]

I'd tell her - I think she believes that the amount is in five figures.

[magratsflyawayhair]

If she wants to move out she should talk to your parents about them helping her look at suitable places. Then, if they offer to help her out, she's in the same position as you and your brother. It should be between them really.

It sounds like your sister hasn't talked to your parents about any of it.

[Yourface]

Just tell her. What's the big deal? She'll know instantly then, that she can't do much with it. I don't know why there is a need for such fuss and secrecy. By withholding the information you are probably making her think you received shit loads.

[QuiteLikely5]

Tell her to talk to your parents. The amounts etc don't bother you now but no doubt you'll be keen to know how much they give her for a house!!

Hopefully she refuses to tell you and naturally you won't complain because you don't seem to think it's important/relevant

[DinosaursRoar]

Agree that actually, if she genuinely thought that the OP got a 5 figure sum for her wedding (realistic thought if the OP's Dad was vocal infront of her about covering a lot of the "big things"), and she knows her brother got enough for a deposit, then it would look like she was being 'left out' as she is the only one who hasn't had a big hand out for a life event. Do you know how much your brother got?

It would be best to use the "roughly a couple of grand, you need to talk to Dad about the exact amounts, but DH and I covered the bulk of the costs" approach.

I also think telling her she's young and has lots of time to sort herself out doesn't help if all her contempories are already in the 'settling down' stage - and it's not a bad thing she's decided to plan her life to be financially sorted at this age so that she's going to be in a strong position if she doesn't meet the right person. The alternative, just bobbing along until she meets this 'right' man to get on with planning her future, seems something from the last century.

[redskirt3]

Her behaviour is entitled in the extreme. So sad.