...to not tell DSis exactly how much parents contributed for my wedding?

[Blitzburgher]

Very generously, my parents paid for the band and booze at my wedding 3 years ago - about £2,500. We didn't expect any money from them and my dad wanted to pay for something tangible rather than just giving cash so he chose band and booze (welcome/post ceremony drinks, table wine and champagne for toast - guests paid after the meal). We had a long engagement (3 years) to save up and pay for the wedding we wanted and were absolutely not expecting parental contributions. ILs gave a similar amount.

DSis is only 26 and has convinced herself that she's never getting married (single, out of a 4-year relationship 18 months ago) and her life is 'doomed'. She has been living with parents since break up so wants to 'demand' from my parents the exact amount that they gave me for my wedding so she can put a deposit down on her own place. I think she thinks they gave me a lot more than they actually did - a 2 bed flat where they live would be £320,000-£350,000 and I know she doesn't want to move area so £2,500 wouldn't be a significant difference to a deposit. I'm reticent to tell her the exact amount - she knows my (our) parents paid for the band and booze.

Is there a nice way of dealing with this? She absolutely won't listen to me when 'i tell her she's v. young - all her school friends are settled with children so she thinks she's left on the shelf. Also think the money thing might put my DParents in an awkward position.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Look, it sounds like op's dsis has a bee in her bonnet that would be better being dealt with directly with the parents. It has nothing to do with secrecy but everything to do with removing the middle person and getting them to sort it out directly. That is all, common sense imo. Clearly op's family dynamics may not be straightforward so just offering a different route if she needs it.

[Moving15]

YANBU. I would stay out of it. What and when your parents decide to contribute to your sister's life is their business. Just because they contributed to your wedding and your brother's deposit does not mean they are obliged to contribute to your sister's current plans to buy a flat.
Also, how will you feel if you discover they contributed 25k to your brother and now will give 50k to your sister?
It can all get a bit awkward and on a needs to know basis it's best to stay out of this one in my opinion.

[MunchieCrunchie]

If my friend asked me wwyd, my advice would be; Stay out of it and let your parents deal with it. If she asks you; tell her, it has nothing to do with you.

[Italiangreyhound]

Little dont get why the parents need for-warning! This is not a hostile take over bid! The issue of whether the Ops 's parents give their daughter (either daughter or son) some money if totally up to them.

But IMHO the information that they gave XYZ is not something that needs to be kept secret or requires permission to divulge.. Unless OP's parents said not to tell. Frankly, if dsis is thinking help getting a mortgage she would be better off asking what her parents gave her brother!

The issue to me is not whether the parents do or do not give the money, it's whether OP does it does not tell her sister the amount.

Agree with Clobberd.

It's clear that families all do things very differently and that is fine. If I asked my sis a question she knew the answer but would not tell me or lied and said she Sid not know, I would find that strange. But if that is the best way to handle this, op, then of course that is the best route for you.

All the best.

[Damselindestress]

Of course you don't have to tell her but I would as it's a lot less than she thinks, which might make her adjust her expectations.

[Blitzburgher]

Beaufort not £80k but £40k! Sorry - wine + fat fingers.

[janethegirl2]

I'd tell your dsis to speak to your parents and its up to them how much money they choose to give her ( if any).
I wouldn't tell her how much you got as its none of her business.

[UpsiLondoes]

As long as you don't get upset if they chose to give her £50k for her deposit while gifting you the booze and band.

[BeaufortBelle]

If they paid ££80,000 in 1980 that doesn't sound like a brilliant investment. Is that what the grrrr is for?

[Blitzburgher]

Thanks for all the replies - quite an eye-opener as to how different families deal with money!

Growing up I never knew how much my parents earned and had no concept of house prices etc until late teens. We all had part time jobs as teenagers though to pay for clothes, CDs, cider to drink in the park etc. We all worked through uni as well, but my parents were hard up for that time so we had max loans and some grants etc.

To the PP who thought this was all a bit sexist - I'd disagree. When I met DH he owned a house which I moved into so there wasn't a deposit to save for like DBro and DBIL had. I'm pretty sure parents didn't contribute the whole thing though I don't know the amount.

I think I'm going to pretend to DSis that I don't know the exact amount we were given for our wedding and tell her to speak to our parents. I know she's contributed while she's been living there, but again no idea how much.

Also no idea of my parents current finances except that they've just paid off their mortgage and are early 60s so must be thinking about retirement. Their house is probably worth half a million (which they bought for £80,000 in 1980 - grrr) but not a clue about their cash flow.

[Clobbered]

There are many good examples here of helping DCs out to a different extent. Here's another example - my DS was in the last cohort of students to go to uni under the old pricing scheme - we gave him £10K for his uni fees. DD went the year after and will get three times that amount from us, because her degree is costing three times the amount. DS2 will get whatever amount it takes to pay his tuition fees at that time, because we want to give them the same 'thing'. Other people might feel we should give them the same amount of money, but in my view that would be unfair as DS1 would end up with £20K in cash that the others won't get (leaving aside the fact that I don't have that amount left to give him...). So for your parents, it might well be the case that they are taking the view that they are helping you all out in different ways that are equivalent in some way i.e. what they see you need at the time. They might well agree to give your DSIs her deposit, but perhaps they feel that she would be better off staying with them and saving, or whatever. Their money, their choice. That said, I would not make a big deal of withholding the actual amount that they gave you, as I can't really see the point. It might be the reality check that your sister needs.

[BackforGood]

It seems unusual to me that you don't know what your parents gave your brother

It doesn't to me. Our parents have helped each of their dc out at various times, as and when it seemed an appropriate time in each of our lives.
I have no idea whatsoever the amounts involved in what they did, or didn't give to each of my siblings, and what they gave them for. They just did what they felt they could, at that time.
For example, when I moved into my first flat, my Mum bought herself a new fridge and gave me her old one as she knew I would need a fridge, but really didn't have the money for that. ~She didn't buy herself a new fridge for each dc, it was just the circumstances at that time.
When my dBro moved to outer London (got a job in London) they gave him some money to try to close the gap between what he sold his flat up here for, and what he was having to pay out down there. Neither of my sisters or I needed to move to London, so we didn't need that. I could go on and on, but the point is, we all knew that they would help each of us, when they could, but being equally generous to each of us isn't the same as doing the same thing for each of us.

[RB68]

tell her it was a lot less than its costing your parents to keep her at the moment!

It is none of her business, it is my view that the money is the parents to do as they please and distribute as and when they see fit. THey prob realise that 2.5k isn't going to make any headway on a 300k flat deposit so haven't offered. I would say to her that Dad paid directly so you are not sure but that when the need/opportunity arises you are sure she will be supported as well in whatever way she needs.

I am the eldest of 6 and I have to beyond brassic to ask for help from my parents, why, because I was taught to be self reliant as far as possible. I had help with my first marriage - but it was merely a contribution, we had the same from his parents. We paid 80% of it ourselves. We divorced and I married a second time paying for it all ourselves and expected nothing from my parents - why should I - we got a cheque which I went back to my Dad with and explained how I felt and said I would rather he gave it to one of the others who needed it as at the time we really didn't. He refused and said look I look after you all in different ways - you have had nothing other than first wedding from us, the others whilst not married have had more, this is for something you wouldn't have had otherwise. So we kept it.

More recently we have had 3K from them - I asked, it was that or lose the house and we could predict when we would have the money to cover it and it was less than 6 mths after needed (self employed, own company and cash flow not matching previous life style and choice of mortgage etc). I asked for a loan but got a gift. We had the same conversation. Again he told me others had had more as and when needed and not to worry about it - better to share it out now.

What I am trying to say is people need money at different life stages for different reasons and there is nothing wrong with asking but there is also the need to understand when they say "no". I am not sure your sister is at this stage yet - she is still young, I would speak to your parents and let them know what is going on, that you haven't told her, they might talk to her or so like they did for one of my sisters and pay for a decent 40th as they didn't see her marrying and having kids/other issues etc to pay for.

[WetLettuce123]

YANBU.

That money was a wedding gift, not a cash sum for you to spend as you wish. This is between your parents and your DSis. I would direct her to them and step away from it all.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

greyhound it's the principle that the op is getting questioned by her sister about the amount on the expectation/ assumption that the parents are able to do the same for her. Of course the parents may be perfectly fine with this, but if their circumstances have changed then it opens a can of worms based on perceived injustices. Most parents would wish to treat their dc equally of course and therefore there is no issue or secrecy, but I don't think the op should become embroiled in a potentially sensitive issue. Therefore either the dsis should speak directly to the parents or the op should aim to get her off her back by telling her the amount - but forewarning her parents out of courtesy in case their financial circumstances have changed or they just don't want to help for whatever reason.

[Itinerary]

My mother's money was hers to do with as she wished. She was always fair but we all had to appreciate that different times / circumstances called for different ways of doing things.

Yes, I agree. Demanding to know how much your parents have given a sibling is saying you don't trust them to be fair.

[Italiangreyhound]

I don't understand why this knowledge is secret. Why can op only reveal the amount with her parents permission?

Ultimately whether parents choose to give their dd money is up to them but knowledge of the amount shouldn't' be IMHO a family secret!

[Crikeyblimey]

I'm the youngest of 5 (4 girls) and things were massively different between my eldest sister getting married (when I was 3) to me getting married at 36. For one, my dad had died in the meantime.

My mum paid for my dress, the flowers and the welcome drink after the church.

I have no clue what she / they paid for my sisters' weddings because, why would I?

My brother is not married but he probably got some help with his deposit for his first house - again, no clue.

My mother's money was hers to do with as she wished. She was always fair but we all had to appreciate that different times / circumstances called for different ways of doing things.

After all that, what I'm saying is, tell her to speak to your parents and let them decide what they want to do with their money to help her best.

[BillSykesDog]

I actually feel a bit sorry for your sister and I feel that a lot of the replies on here have been a bit sexist. So DB gets money for a deposit but the female members of the family have to wait until a man deigns to marry her to be worthy of the same help?

I also think this is possibly a bad place to get a fair view of what this looks like to your DS as most members are one of married/in LTRS/have children. I can imagine that to an awful lot of single childless people you would very much come across as a patronising smug married. Especially if you're telling her at 26 that she is 'very young' and that her time will come when she doesn't necessarily see that in her future. That would be infuriating.

It sounds very much like you all have a tendency to patronise and infantilise her.

By all means tell her that it's between her and your parents and up to them to tell her. But quit with the patronising infantilising comments and sexist assumptions that her future should and will include marriage and children and that's what she should be aiming for just because that's your life.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Taking a different approach, can't you ask your parents if they're ok with you telling her how much they gave you? Their objection is the only real reason I can see for why you don't want to tell her. I wouldn't want to tell dsis something like this unless I'd at least forewarned my parents that she was looking for help and wanted to know how much she might be able to expect. Apart from anything else, your parents' financial situation may have changed in the meantime.

[redskirt3]

Her behaviour is entitled in the extreme. So sad.

[DinosaursRoar]

Agree that actually, if she genuinely thought that the OP got a 5 figure sum for her wedding (realistic thought if the OP's Dad was vocal infront of her about covering a lot of the "big things"), and she knows her brother got enough for a deposit, then it would look like she was being 'left out' as she is the only one who hasn't had a big hand out for a life event. Do you know how much your brother got?

It would be best to use the "roughly a couple of grand, you need to talk to Dad about the exact amounts, but DH and I covered the bulk of the costs" approach.

I also think telling her she's young and has lots of time to sort herself out doesn't help if all her contempories are already in the 'settling down' stage - and it's not a bad thing she's decided to plan her life to be financially sorted at this age so that she's going to be in a strong position if she doesn't meet the right person. The alternative, just bobbing along until she meets this 'right' man to get on with planning her future, seems something from the last century.

[QuiteLikely5]

Tell her to talk to your parents. The amounts etc don't bother you now but no doubt you'll be keen to know how much they give her for a house!!

Hopefully she refuses to tell you and naturally you won't complain because you don't seem to think it's important/relevant

[Yourface]

Just tell her. What's the big deal? She'll know instantly then, that she can't do much with it. I don't know why there is a need for such fuss and secrecy. By withholding the information you are probably making her think you received shit loads.

[magratsflyawayhair]

If she wants to move out she should talk to your parents about them helping her look at suitable places. Then, if they offer to help her out, she's in the same position as you and your brother. It should be between them really.

It sounds like your sister hasn't talked to your parents about any of it.