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AIBU?

to not want to learn to swim?

70 replies

VelvetSpoon · 22/03/2016 18:10

And also to want not to be pestered about it?!

I'm in my 40s. Never been able to swim. Don't particularly like water. Not an issue. Both my DC are great swimmers and learnt in primary school.

However my boyfriend thinks it's important i learn, and often prompts me about it. How it's good exercise etc. Now he also nagged me about learning tp drive which i have given in about and am having lessons.

But I don't want to be pestered about swimming, either by him or his DC who also comment about the fact i can't swim and don't like water.

I feel like this doesn't impact anyone else and is my business...aibu??

OP posts:

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Narp · 23/03/2016 08:21

Mistigri

I think so too.

Frika · 23/03/2016 08:29

YANBU, OP.

The vast majority of drownings are of people who can swim, and I think that the central life skill argument is often disingenuous, when it's more of a middle-class frill, like being able to ski, for a lot of people who prioritise it for their children because of swimming pool parties and holidays.

I never learned as a child, because it honestly never occurred to my parents that it was a 'life skill' - it wasn't on the school curriculum, we lived miles from the nearest pool, not far from a vicious coast with dangerous currents (where none of the fishermen could swim), and we never went on holiday, so the idea of leisure swimming was quite foreign. The sea was for work. Tourists swam.

AgentCooper · 23/03/2016 08:41

I love swimming (I go almost every day), despite being the most exercise-phobic person alive. I find it great for my mental and physical health and would recommend it to everyone. BUT I can't ride a bike (I'm 30) and all my life folk have been telling me I should learn. I know it's not exactly the same but I do sympathise, OP.

My DH is technically a non-swimmer. However, when we went to Spain and stayed in a house with its own pool he managed eventually to do a few lengths of this pool with my help (showing him how to float etc). I don't suggest swimming lessons but why not go to a (nice) pool a few times, get yourself feeling that you can do a length or two with someone you know who's a good swimmer? As a total 'just in case' thing. As Misti says, though, most people who drown in dangerous conditions are probably swimmers.

EBearhug · 23/03/2016 09:02

The sea was for work. Tourists swam.

Whereas we learnt to swim because my mother insisted because we were near the sea, and there was othere open water around. She made sure we had a strong sense of water safety as well.

Swimming may not save you in British waters - it's more likely to be hypothermia and the cold which leads to drowning, or maybe a heart attack from sudden exposure to a much lower temperature. But I'd still like to have a minor chance by being able to swim.

42andcounting · 23/03/2016 09:19

YANBU. Has he given you a reason why its so important to him, or is it just because "everyone" can do it? I am waiting for the annual nagging campaign about learning to ride a bike to start now the weather is improving. I am 45, and have managed so far without this "essential" skill, so have some empathy with you on this

Only1scoop · 23/03/2016 09:26

I think everyone should learn to swim if able.

My DM never could and as a child it used to annoy me that she couldn't be bothered to learn.

My dad is an amazing swimmer still is in his 80's and taught myself and siblings to swim.

My DM can now swim she had lessons in her 60's.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 23/03/2016 09:42

Didn't sailors not want to learn to swim on the basis that if you went in the sea you were going to die, and being able to swim would only prolong it?

albertcampionscat · 23/03/2016 17:33

Up to you, but swimming is such a pleasant thing to do that you are missing out badly.

ridingabike · 23/03/2016 18:43

I think there are certain things that you should be able to do as as adult - swim, ride a bike, drive a car being among them. The driving is perhaps the most important one - because it gives you freedom, safety and also means you don't have to constantly call in favours to get to places. Take an example: on Saturday I ran my local parkrun. My son was unwell and my husband didn't want to run anyway so they stayed at home. I drove. If I hadn't been able to drive, I would have had to either ask my husband to take me (ds is old enough to have stayed at home for an hour) or ridden my bike along a fairly isolated stretch of canal. Driving was definitely the better option.

Swimming and riding a bike are important life skills as well. And why set your face against it so much? Why not try? If you have 2-3 lessons and utterly hate it, fine you tried. But it really is worth doing. My husband didn't learn to ride a bike as a child but he learnt about 5 years ago due to nagging from me and deciding to do something about it. He'd done very little since as he lacks confidence but at least he has tried and we have been able to hire bikes and cycle around on holiday. Maybe if you could swim, you could try out different leisure activities or holidays?

However, I do agree that a first aid course (and keeping it up to date) is probably more useful.

VelvetSpoon · 24/03/2016 17:09

I don't think driving is essential. I'm learning because it's possible in the next decade I might want to live in a more rural area. At present I live in the suburbs, public transport is great, I can be in Central London within 25 mins of leaving my house. But in future things may change, and I can see that driving would be helpful. Not essential, but it would make life easier.

Swimming however, I don't want to. I don't like water, I hate getting my face wet. I can't imagine anything more boring than swimming. For exercise I like walking as I get to look around, see things. Or if I'm exercising at the gym I have my headphones in and listen to my favourite music. Can't do either while swimming. Plus swimming pool membership is twice the cost of my gym. Why would I want to do something I won't enjoy that costs me more money?

For some reason (probably because I gave in over the driving) my boyfriend thinks I'm just being negative, that I've spent too much time with people telling me I can't do things, I need to challenge myself.

I have explained I don't want to. That I don't like water, am scared of being out of my depth. But apparently his DC were really scared of water when toddlers and they're fine in water now. Which clearly isn't the same thing at all! Every time he says 'oh we'll get you swimming one day' it just makes me seethe.

He is in every other respect a brilliant boyfriend, but this proper grates on me. I do think at my age, having worked hard and established a 20yr professional career, made myself financially secure, brought up 2 DC on my own, I should be able to say no, and that be the end of it?!

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 24/03/2016 17:32

I think you need to tell him all that.

VelvetSpoon · 24/03/2016 17:34

I've told him I don't like water, and that I don't want to learn, on every occasion he's raised it.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 24/03/2016 17:35

So what else can you do?

willowcatkin111 · 25/03/2016 09:12

Maybe you need to ask him to stop raising it, tell him that you don't want to learn and never will and this constant pressure is annoying you. Ask him to accept you as you are and not keep going on about learning to swim.

PacificDogwod · 25/03/2016 09:18

This is not a swimming problem, it's a relationship problem.

Lots of people don't have and don't aspire to get useful life-skills.
Lots of people get nagged by their OH.

Here is just happens to be a combination of the two.

Has your DP explained what is so important to HIM about you learning to swim??

EBearhug · 25/03/2016 23:11

Or if I'm exercising at the gym I have my headphones in and listen to my favourite music. Can't do either while swimming.

You can do that while swimming - you can get waterproof headphones. But that's not really the point.

Almostfifty · 25/03/2016 23:36

I have reached the age of 50+ without being able to swim. I have panic attacks when I put my head in the water, so can't do it.

I ensured all my DC learned to swim as soon as possible. They're all very strong swimmers.

Do what you want to do, it's just one life saving thing that you hopefully won't need.

wanderings · 26/03/2016 12:50

I cracked swimming at the grand old age of 24: I hated it at school, and it was only when I went on holiday and thought it was silly I couldn't enjoy pools, so I went to leisure centre and suddenly found I could do it. From this I have a lot more faith in my ability to learn things than I used to. (At school I could do the movements, I just couldn't float without help.)

However, more importantly than this is that I loathe being told "you should do something". I was a "learning refuser" as a child too, and resisted fiercely whenever I realised an adult was trying to coax me into learning something I didn't want to learn.

I agree in your case it's probably less about the swimming, and more about the "you should", and the telling him that you know your own mind, and the more he nags you, the more you will put your guard up.

GabiSolis · 26/03/2016 13:55

Swimming is a life skill, so I would persevere if you think it's at all possible.

Driving is certainly not though, so if you feel you don't want to continue it, tell him so.

VelvetSpoon · 26/03/2016 16:16

He doesn't see why I don't want to do something so simple, why I tell myself I can't - except it's actually more that I don't want to than that I can't!

I think it's partly a reaction against his previous relationship - he was married for a long time to someone who flat out refused to ever do anything different, ie had lots of food issues (not intolerances, just very fussy) so they and their DC only ever ate the same things week in week out, always went to same places, bought same things, always looked/dressed the same and insisted he did, and so on, and if he suggested something like taking the DC to a new park, going to a different supermarket or buying a different style of clothes would ignore him for weeks, Sounds crazy but DC confirm a lot of it...whereas I'm quite happy to change things - except for swimming (of course his Ex could drive and swim).

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