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AIBU?

Going on a stag do when I'm 36 weeks...

85 replies

fizzingmum · 20/03/2016 09:05

My OH has been invited on a stag do in Benidorm. It will probably be Fri-Sun. At the time I will be 36 weeks pregnant. I am extremely scared about the birth already (a whole other thread) and now have extra worries that I will be alone for it. I have no one else that could be there with me, so no plan B. I don't have any reason to think the baby will come at 36 weeks and would feel terrible if he missed it and the weekend passed without arrival. But the thought of being alone is really worrying me. AIBU to not want him to go at this stage of pregnancy? Thanks in advance xx

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Sharesinpampers · 21/03/2016 21:10

YANBU. If you want him around and this isn't a close friend or family member then I think he should stay at home. I understand why you're canvassing opinion, it's hard to be objective in any situation like this.

If he goes, not only will you worry that weekend but also in the run up. What a shame to have to spend pregnancy worrying about yet another thing this rather than looking forward to the arrival of DC3.

Plus all the practical reasons...you may need help with DCs 1&2, help with life in general, you could go into labour early. I imagine he may also be gutted if you did deliver that weekend without him.

I'd be glad he can go to the wedding as its close by and scrap the stag do. And I don't think you're being overly anxious and I would consider myself a reasonably laid back person in terms of DH going away

Brummiegirl15 · 21/03/2016 20:56

My first came at 34 weeks for no reason other than she fancied coming at 34 weeks... So the sentence "first labours rarely start early" make me laugh. But I appreciate I'm probably in the minority!

newmumwithquestions · 20/03/2016 21:34

I don't think he should be going - it's a small risk that you'd go into labour early but it is a risk. Also I doubt that he could get back in time if you did - I haven't got the stats on this to hand but there is a correlation between early and fast labours.
It's not essential he goes and it doesn't sound like he's that close to the stag anyway.

Hairyfecker · 20/03/2016 21:20

The speed with which he could hop on a plane back would rather depend on what time of day he gets the call, and how inebriated he is at the time. If drunk he couldn't easily sort out a replacement ticket, and the airline would not have to let him fly if he was visibly intoxicated. It is good that you are so well off that he doesn't need to be saving any money for the new arrival!

Fratelli · 20/03/2016 21:18

It doesn't matter how anyone else feels. All that matters is how you feel and you don't want him to go. If he's a decent person he would rather miss a stag do than potentially miss the birth or leave you panicking especially given the traumatic labour.
Wishing you luck and a safe arrival of your little one

thebestfurchinchilla · 20/03/2016 21:13

If it wasn't abroad I wouldn't be worried as he could get back quite quickly but I have to admit it's a bit close at 36 weeks. My 1st DD was 1 week early and as others have said, problems can occur that mean baby has to come out early. I don't think my DH would have gone at that late stage.

unimaginative13 · 20/03/2016 21:10

How many weeks are you now?

Personally I would say no but you could go into labour at 40 weeks and for some reason he misses it so.

It's hard because I would want him to think it was unreasonable.

onecurrantbun1 · 20/03/2016 20:33

My DH wouldn't have gone and it wouldn't have got as far as discussing it tbh. 36 weeks is too close to due date to be out of the country by choice. I understand that some posters have had DPs away on business etc when they've been full term but I bet if they're honest they'd have rather DPs weren't so far away.

Yanbu

MrsJamin · 20/03/2016 20:20

I can't believe you're even considering letting him go, I had DS2 at 35+6wks and he came in 2.5 hours. He should be feeling like he shouldn't go and I'm surprised if he thinks it's OK.

isitginoclock · 20/03/2016 20:13

Personally, it wouldn't bother me - as long as he had his mobile on him, there's plenty of flights back and it's not too far. My dh worked abroad throughout my pregnancy and we just made sure he had a decent flight/Eurostar plan back if I needed him. I also went on a hen night at 38 weeks - not abroad but 4 hours away.
Everyone is different though and if it bothers you I guess you could either tell him not to or try and get as much support in as possible for the time he is away - emergency babysitters, friends/family on call to help if you go into labour, freezer full of food etc etc...

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/03/2016 18:53

tricky, if in uk i would say go def but stay semi sober so can get back if need be

abroad slightly diff

but if he does go then get a friend over, and ask if your two can go for a sleep over at friends/nannies so you dont need to worry about them

Writerwannabe83 · 20/03/2016 18:46

It's a hard one...

It's only Fri-Sun, so it isn't like he's leaving you got a week and seeing as it's the weekend it means relatives and friends will be available to pop over and keep you company of help out if you feel a bit rough. Your other children are older so it's not like you'll be running around after pre-schoolers and they are of an age where they can help out around the house so you can take it easy.

If it was me I would let my DH go.

However, no matter how small the risk is he has to accept that there's a chance he may miss the birth if you go into premature labour. Even if you did work out when he could get flights back etc then don't forget that airlines do not let drunk people fly and I'm guessing there's going to be a lot of alcohol involved on the stag-do. I guess your DH would have to agree that he would remain sober during the trip so there's no way he could be refused on to the plane if you were to call in the early hours of the morning to say you were in labour, but that doesn't sound like a fun weekend for him.

My friend went into premature labour at 36 weeks and baby arrived within 4 hours.

Damselindestress · 20/03/2016 18:27

I think this is a situation where actually it doesn't really matter if YABU. Yes, given that your previous labours weren't premature and there is no reason to believe this one will be, your fears might be a bit irrational. But irrational fears still feel real when you are going through them. You are heavily pregnant and scared. Your DP should put being there for you before celebrating with an acquaintance so distant he doesn't even know you exist!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/03/2016 15:48

It wouldn't bother me (I have a history of not getting beyond 36 weeks) BUT that is because it would not bother me in the slightest if he was not around for the delivery.

You have said it would bother you, that means it's a valid issue.

How would he feel about missing it?

Newquay · 20/03/2016 15:27

Hi. It really doesn't matter what we all think: what matters is how you feel. If the idea of being alone at 36 weeks worries you then of course tell him - and as a supportive partner he should not go on the stag. The point isn't whether baby arrives early / it's the stress of being alone that you both need to avoid for you. Speak to your midwife and I'm sure she will support you: then you just say 'midwife says you should not go on stag'. You should have your bag packed by 36 weeks so personally I think it's totally sensible to make sure he stays home. But like I said - it doesn't matter what we think. If you're not comfortable then he shouldn't go away.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2016 15:09

You don't even know the stag. So it's just a jolly away when you are heavily pregnant with two other children to look after, anxious and upset. I'd be pissed off he wanted to go. And we often go away without each other. I just don't understand why he would want to at this stage.

2ManySweets · 20/03/2016 14:53

tooaswellalso nails it. The first page of this thread has a lot of folk going "it'll be ok" and "you are being a bit U".

No, no you're fucking not. Child #1 or #10 I'd flip my stack if my DH went abroad on holiday leaving me on my tod at home heavily pregnant.

Fuck that. YANBU.

LogicalThinking · 20/03/2016 14:49

There is absolutely not a hope in hell that I would have been ok about that and there is no way my DH would have been happy to be that far away from me.
Mine arrived early too - before 36 weeks!

Aceray · 20/03/2016 14:19

YADNBU. My husband and I agreed he would have his last 'proper' night out when I was 36+2. Contractions started that night. Labour was under 3 hours and he only just made it to the hospital in time.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/03/2016 14:02

Yanbu.
My first child was born at 36 weeks, after 3 hours labour. No warning at all. I didn't even realise it was labour to start with because I just wasn't expecting it. It does happen, and if you really have no one else at all who could be with you, then its not fair of him to go abroad so late in your pregamcy.

Piratepete1 · 20/03/2016 13:58

No way would my DH even consider going, in fact, he wouldn't even bother mentioning it to me, he'd just say no and that's without me telling him I felt uneasy about it. Your DH is being a selfish arse.

BillBrysonsBeard · 20/03/2016 13:42

YANBU. My DP was asked to accompany his dad abroad to have an op and stay there for a week when I was 36 weeks. We were both shocked he'd been asked! It turns out I had another month to go but he would have hated to not be there and I needed him. It didn't occur to my ILs that it'd be an issue because women in their day tended to deliver alone or with a female family member/friend. Husbands and partners are much more involved now.
Even though I didn't deliver then, I was huge and uncomfortable at that point and needed help to get off the bed etc.

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Alexa444 · 20/03/2016 13:21

I came in here expecting to tell you, you were being massively U but you're really not. If it wasn't abroad it wouldn't be an issue imo but it isn't like he can easily get back. How important is it to him to be at the birth? Because if he really was worried about missing it, he would have already said no.

Tilliebean · 20/03/2016 12:58

Definitely not ok in my book. Especially if it isn't someone that close. I could see if it was family or a close friend, maybe I'd consider it. The reality is DP wouldn't have wanted to go anyways. You only get one chance to see your child born, you can go out for a piss up another time. The fact that you are anxious (regardless of whether you consider it justified) makes it even more important he is there to support you.

GabiSolis · 20/03/2016 12:31

I think YABU but I do understand where you're coming from. I think you should let him go but under the proviso that if you're showing any signs that anything might happen that he doesn't go when it comes to the weekend.

It's handy that you have DCs old enough to help you out a bit. I would plan to spend the weekend on the sofa with them bringing me cups of tea!

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