to ask my dp to contribute to "me" time?

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

So, I'm currently on maternity leave but not receiving any money anymore. I chose to take the full year and the last 13 weeks I would fund using my savings. I contribute half of all bills and the mortgage as well as half of all food bills. I'm quite far away from my family and his dm is an active busy retiree. His dm looks after our ds for a couple of hours mid morning on one day a week but every week (she has lots of activities so she does it to give me a break).

I've found a childminder just across from our house and she's agreed to take our ds when I return to work. She charges by the hour which suits us as dp works shifts. I've sounded her out about taking our ds for a morning a week (3-4 hours) and she's fine with that (helps with ds settling in when I'm back full time). These hours will cost about £20 per week and allow me a bit of time to myself to either food shop/go for a swim/slob out/make dinner etc.

Soooo, AIBU to ask my dp to stump up half? (£10) He has two hobbies he goes to twice every week and which sometimes take him away at weekends.

[foodiefil]

You shouldn't have had to fund the last 13 weeks from your savings and you shouldn't have to ask him for tenner for his own child's childcare.

If I was your friend I'd give you a hug and bloody great shake.

TALK TO HIM.

[BoffinMum]

So his child is basically costing him nothing, and you are stumping up everything?

Epic modernity fail there.

[LoveBoursin]

I agree. The decision for your not to go back to work immediately and to have 13 weeks unpaid was a joint decision. There is no reason why things should always be funded equally (meaning you are loosing your savings). That arrangement would be the one you have with a lodger not a partner.

And this is not 'me' time and an extravagence for you to have your dc a few hours a week in childcare. It is a very good way for your dc to get used to the CM and to introduce them to be with someone else than you. It is good parenting to help the transition for your child. So yes he should pay too.

And if he has enough money for his hobby, then there should be some left for you too anyway. What are you doing for yourself during the week? Any hobby? or would the few hours at CM be your 'hobby'?

[CurlyBlueberry]

The way I see it is, you are doing the sole childcare while he is away doing his hobbies, aren't you? Really, he should be doing 50/50 when he's not at work. It would therefore be fair for him to cover the childcare while you are away doing your hobby (or 'me time' or whatever), for an equivalent time. So yes, he should stump up half! AT LEAST!

[Baconyum]

I take it he's paying no rent either?

As for not paying for babies pram etc

And absolutely he should lay half for the childminder its NOT me time it's paying for his child to acclimate to the person who will be his secondary carer (I'm guessing he's barely tertiary)

[shutupandshop]

Two words, joint bank account

[Thurlow]

Wow, he sounds like a catch

Seriously. You live together. You have a child together. Your incomes should be shared, even if only in theory rather than having a joint account.

You don't fund your last three months of maternity leave from your savings; you work together as a couple to make the finances work.

You don't pay for childcare; you work together as a couple to make the finances work.

OH and I don't have a joint account and have relatively separate finances compared to a lot on MN but yours really are not good.

[shutupandshop]

Just read your further posts. Just split with him, honestly what is he bringing to your life. Hes not a bad spud

[notinagreatplace]

I think there are a few separate things here:

If you wanted to take the extra 13 weeks and he would genuinely have preferred or been happy for you to go back to work (not just saying this because it would let him off paying for it), I don't think it's unreasonable for you to pay for more of the costs of that - though this should take into account that, if you'd gone back to work, you would both have had to pay for childcare. If it was a joint decision and you both wanted this, you should be paying for it from joint funds.

I don't understand why you've bought all of the baby equipment - that should definitely have been split 50:50.

I think you should get the same amount of free time as he does - but exactly how that comes about, whether he looks after the baby at the weekend/some evenings, or whether you (plural) pay for the childminder, should be a joint decision, I don't think you can make the decision by yourself and then ask him to pay for it.

Once you go back to work, the costs of the childminder should be split - the childminder is necessary for both of you.

Overall, I must say that it sounds like you are living very separate lives, which seems very strange for a couple with a young baby. It's not just the finances, though that too, but the way that it kind of sounds like you make all the decisions about the baby.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

Sounds like you have two dcs.

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

Ok, just to answer some questions...

I got pregnant knowing I wanted a child. I am 43 years old and financially relatively secure. I understand that raising a child on my own isn't easy but I'll do it if I have to.

We have a joint budget account that all our bills and mortgage come out of.

I know this is MN and I'm glad people answered but the issue for me is not a "LTB" issue.

Thanks for feedback though from all...food for thought.

[Baconyum]

Did you plan your child together?

[VodkaValiumLattePlease]

When you was at work was you paying a higher amount towards the bills since you earn more?

You shouldn't have had to buy all the baby stuff and pay out of your savings to say home with your baby though, that's out of order!

[Pinkheart5915]

Things for the baby should come from a joint pot, he should defiantly pay 1/2 of cot, clothes, nappies, child care. As a patent he has a responabillity to make sure his child has what they need.
Think you need to have a chat with his about this?

Me and my husband have a joint account ( for bills, baby stuff) then we have our own personal accounts and that money in those is ours

[Georgina1975]

Each partner paying half of joint expenses isn't the only way to go.

We have a joint billing account (plus an extra amount unaccounted for as a cushion) and contribute according to our income. DP pays 60% of the total required and I pay 40%. That changed to 75% and 25% when I dropped to SMP. The amount we pay in increases on the basis of those proportions when our outgoings increase.

Childcare costs should be split between the two of you, but - as suggested above - "fair" doesn't have to mean "equal".

[OzzieFem]

So basically it boils down to him being a housemate and sperm donor? If he has debts then I agree with you keeping finances separate. I guess him paying for anything to do with your child depends on any agreement you made before you became pregnant. Interesting thread.

[headexplodesbodyfreezes]

He needs to contribute to childcare. But if you are the higher earner and a home owner, and he has debt, you are better off keeping your finances separate. And whatever you do, do not marry him.

[ifgrandmahadawilly]

YANBU. It's only fair that if he has time and money to enjoy his hobbies, you get time and money to enjoy yours too!

I find your attitude and openness re. your relationship refreshingly honest!

[Charley50]

Is his name on the mortgage / deeds or is he contributing to paying your mortgage?

[Charley50]

Just being Devil's Advocate there..

[Ashhead24]

Rather than asking for him to fund "me time" I would say that you want to start a morning a week at the childminders so your DC settles in and so that you've got time to arrange alternative childcare if he doesn't settle. And then tell your DP he needs to pay half.

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

He pays half of the mortgage and bills; the house is mine as I've been here 15 years and he moved in a year ago.

Ash - I like that idea and it's true that I want to see ds well settled before I go back to work.

Our finances may not be conventional but they allow me to feel in control and independent. Having our ds was a joint decision but I want to always be in a position to look after him on my own if I need to; no relationship is guaranteed a happy ever after. It's just the realist in me.

Thank you for your comments, folks, I'll speak to my dp tonight and tbh he'll probably offer to pay half or more

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"We have a joint budget account that all our bills and mortgage come out of."
Childcare needs to be part of that joint budget. As does "pram/cot/toys etc" and indeed everything for your joint child. Just because your child going to the childminder gives you free time, it also acclimatises them ready for your return to work. It is a JOINT expense.

You need to revisit that budget, because I suspect there are lots of joint expenses that are not included.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

He is contributing towards your mortgage, your house may not be as much yours as you think.