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AIBU?

to ask my dp to contribute to "me" time?

69 replies

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 09/03/2016 10:26

So, I'm currently on maternity leave but not receiving any money anymore. I chose to take the full year and the last 13 weeks I would fund using my savings. I contribute half of all bills and the mortgage as well as half of all food bills. I'm quite far away from my family and his dm is an active busy retiree. His dm looks after our ds for a couple of hours mid morning on one day a week but every week (she has lots of activities so she does it to give me a break).

I've found a childminder just across from our house and she's agreed to take our ds when I return to work. She charges by the hour which suits us as dp works shifts. I've sounded her out about taking our ds for a morning a week (3-4 hours) and she's fine with that (helps with ds settling in when I'm back full time). These hours will cost about £20 per week and allow me a bit of time to myself to either food shop/go for a swim/slob out/make dinner etc.

Soooo, AIBU to ask my dp to stump up half? (£10) He has two hobbies he goes to twice every week and which sometimes take him away at weekends.

OP posts:

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jlivingstone · 10/03/2016 02:20

Typical MN where everyone's jumping in all guns blazing.

The OP never said that her OH would not want to pay / would not pay / would begrudge it or that she feels unhappy whatsoever with their arrangement

To me it seems strange to have joint finances but each to their own. In my marriage:

I pay for everything
OH's salary is savings (and big purchases like holidays)
we have a joint account we both have absolute access to

Just seen the OP's second message

"Thank you for your comments, folks, I'll speak to my dp tonight and tbh he'll probably offer to pay half or more"

Just all those LTB posters will be just as fast to apologise.

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 21:27

If you're in Scotland he would likely get half the house if you split.

A quick Google suggests not as simple in England but that it does happen, especially if you're together more than 5 years, I support pps saying you need to speak to your lawyer about this. Can't hurt to be sure?

OzzieFem · 09/03/2016 20:20

His paying half the mortgage could be taken as rent?

ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2016 18:30

Normally I'd say childcare should be 50 50, but it's a bit of a luxury to pay for childcare when you're not working. Does he support this decision?

Xmasbaby the OP said she's been paying her share through her savings, so her not working is irrelevant. If anything, she's been contributing way more than her fair share.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2016 18:27

Yes, of course he should pay half of any childcare costs that you have - it's his baby too.

I'm a bit shocked that you have used your savings to fund your maternity. It's both your baby, and you should be sharing the costs - and this sharing should acknowledge that your work in carrying, and then caring for the baby means that you don't get paid as much for a time, and will also likely impact on your promotion prospects and earning potential in ways which won't affect him.

You really need to nip this in the bud, op, otherwise you will have 18 years of his cheeseparing and wallet-dodging on raising-a-child costs ahead of you.

JeffersonCrisp · 09/03/2016 18:25

In law, as far as I am aware, as I have proof of paying the mortgage and he's only been contributing/cohabiting for a year, he has little or no claim on my house

I wouldn't be so sure about this statement if I were you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/03/2016 18:17

You said you pay the mortgage from a joint account.

That's not you paying it that's both of you

hiddenhome2 · 09/03/2016 18:12

You need to see a lawyer to have your position clarified regarding your house.

Do not let him pay anything towards the mortgage! You're on shaky ground and could lose your house.

Please, think carefully about what you're doing and protect your assets.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 09/03/2016 18:07

In law, as far as I am aware, as I have proof of paying the mortgage and he's only been contributing/cohabiting for a year, he has little or no claim on my house.

It's not a "throwaway" relationship; I'm in my 40's, been around the block and I'm realistic. If I said it was forever and ever then I'd get a hard time for being unrealistic (can't win on that one!)

It was a planned pregnancy. Ds is much loved and was wanted. End of.

Seriously, I've had financial check ups with my bank that asked less questions!

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 09/03/2016 18:01

Normally I'd say childcare should be 50 50, but it's a bit of a luxury to pay for childcare when you're not working. Does he support this decision?

toomuchtooold · 09/03/2016 17:55

OP, as you're doing 100% of the childcare, if he wants to keep finances separate he should be covering the cost of the 50% of childcare that is his obligation. Hrm 50% of the cost of a full time day and night nanny... suspect that's more than a tenner a week.

Allyoucaneat · 09/03/2016 17:28

Op you seem to be getting a hard time over this, but dp and I have this exact financial set up and it works well for us.

I don't want to have completely joint finances and enjoy my independence.

But yes I'd expect childcare to come from our joint account for household bills.

Spandexpants007 · 09/03/2016 17:19

He shop be paying rent and not contributing to the mortgage. He might have a claim on your house if you're not careful

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 09/03/2016 17:15

Child expenses need to be part of the joint expenses, that

No one has said everything has to be shared, it just sounds like what a PP said, he's a flatmate and sperm donor

Tryingtostayyoung · 09/03/2016 17:14

I don't think it's strange that they keep their finances seperate and I definitely think that he should contribute to the childcare, after all this will also prepare his child for when you have to go back to work.

notinagreatplace · 09/03/2016 17:11

Did he actively want to have a baby with you? Or was this something that you really wanted and he agreed to - because I think that makes a bit of difference here.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 09/03/2016 16:46

When a woman earns less she's encouraged by MN to pay less so that spending money is equal, when it's a man missing out he's still selfish and a poor father

He's already got a poor deal paying half a mortgage for a house he doesn't own and never likely to given its seems as a throwaway relationship.

NewLife4Me · 09/03/2016 16:42

That's true, if he is contributing to mortgage it would be half his if you split.

He isn't really providing half the joint expenses and you shouldn't have used your savings. When you are unable to work, like Maternity leave his hobbies should be put on hold and other none essentials so you don't need to use savings.
You need to revisit your budget and joint bills account. It sounds like he needs to up his payment and bill him for the things he hasn't contributed towards.
Sorry, he isn't a good Dad.

Griphook · 09/03/2016 16:35

No, he's not a great catch but he's not a bad spud and he's a pretty good dad.

No he's not, he's a shit dad who won't contribute to his care or well being. Keeps all his money to himself. How Is he a good dad?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/03/2016 16:29

He is contributing towards your mortgage, your house may not be as much yours as you think.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2016 16:14

"We have a joint budget account that all our bills and mortgage come out of."
Childcare needs to be part of that joint budget. As does "pram/cot/toys etc" and indeed everything for your joint child. Just because your child going to the childminder gives you free time, it also acclimatises them ready for your return to work. It is a JOINT expense.

You need to revisit that budget, because I suspect there are lots of joint expenses that are not included.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 09/03/2016 15:27

He pays half of the mortgage and bills; the house is mine as I've been here 15 years and he moved in a year ago.

Ash - I like that idea and it's true that I want to see ds well settled before I go back to work.

Our finances may not be conventional but they allow me to feel in control and independent. Having our ds was a joint decision but I want to always be in a position to look after him on my own if I need to; no relationship is guaranteed a happy ever after. It's just the realist in me.

Thank you for your comments, folks, I'll speak to my dp tonight and tbh he'll probably offer to pay half or more

OP posts:

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Ashhead24 · 09/03/2016 14:58

Rather than asking for him to fund "me time" I would say that you want to start a morning a week at the childminders so your DC settles in and so that you've got time to arrange alternative childcare if he doesn't settle. And then tell your DP he needs to pay half.

Charley50 · 09/03/2016 14:48

Just being Devil's Advocate there..

Charley50 · 09/03/2016 14:02

Is his name on the mortgage / deeds or is he contributing to paying your mortgage?

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