To not want to make ammends with my brother in law?

[Jayne266]

OK bit of a long post I apologise.
I have been with my Dh 10 years and married 5 years. I first met his brother and he hid behind a curtain (I just though he is socially awkward ) anyway a common ground was found, kinda. He drinks a lot and whiskey is his main conversation topic. Anyway fast forward few years on our wedding day my bil told my dad that he thought his brother could do better. (He back tracked later on after this but it was never the same) few more years passed and we had our ds who was 2 at the time and he started to joke about giving our ds miniatures (alcohol). I over heard this and said how highly inappropriate it was to joke about it. To which he responded he is his uncle and he could do what he wanted. As you can imagine I fought my ground as his mother and refused to see him again and was questioning his suitability around our ds.
Anyway I see him only at boxing day with our dh and ds and all of his family but not any other time. I don't stop my dh seeing him and I have had to force him to make a effort as he uses me as a escape route to see him when he wants. Now if we go to my dh family and he is there I do not object I will either go but make a short visit or tell my dh I will give it a miss.
He is moaning to my dh and his family how I am being unreasonable and will not forget my past problems with him. Now me personally I don't like him I don't have anything in common with him and tbh he creeps me out I have got past experiences with toxic people (my sister included) and I am happy to not have them as part of my life.
What would you do?

[Jayne266]

Oh my painted handprints I have heard stories of that from my nan about whiskey etc for teething. I can't believe about the chocolate and sweets etc how old was your dc?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

A few things jumped out at me.

• "My dh and his family both don't understand why I won't forgive and forget because that's the way bil is and everyone just understands it."
  

To me, that reads that they know BIL's a problem but they don't want to deal with it and they're pissed off with you because you're highlighting that they're not dealing with it.

• "tbh he creeps me out I have got past experiences with toxic people (my sister included)"
  

When your instincts tell you something, it would be wise to listen to them. SO many problems are caused by people being too polite to act on their instincts.

• "he responded he is his uncle and he could do what he wanted"
  

Yep, that would bother me. It's a challenge, and I would be on edge waiting to see if he would carry it through.

• "I don't stop my dh seeing him and I have had to force him to make a effort as he uses me as a escape route to see him when he wants."
  

Now that's really interesting. Your husband would prefer to not see BIL (like you) but will toe the faaaamily line in pushing you to 'forgive and forget'. And he's happy to to lay blame at your feet. That's pretty cowardly all round.

[Jayne266]

Wow whereyouleftist thank you so much for looking at the post so in depth. Yes you are right my dh and his family are cowardly about it. As I have mentioned I see him on boxing day but last year they informed me he wasn't coming because I was uncomfortable about it but failed to tell him I had never said that! it was because my Mil new boyfriend doesn't like him so they used me as a excuse to not see him on that day.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Your husband doesn't like his brother. (And neither does his mother's boyfriend, and I would seriously wonder if his mother does.) So he doesn't get to insist that you have to act as if you like him.

As for "He is moaning to my dh and his family how I am being unreasonable and will not forget my past problems with him" - tell your husband his brother is being unreasonable to expect you to forgive and forget when his brother has made no apologies for his behaviour nor made any effort to be less of a git. And that it is clear to you that he doesn't like his brother either, and that maybe if the rest of the faaaamily stopped with the 'it's just the way he is' crap that maybe although I doubt it his brother might motivated to be less of a git.

I see no reason for you to 'make amends' with your BIL. And I would be deathstaring down anyone who suggested that you did.