To not want to make ammends with my brother in law?

[Jayne266]

OK bit of a long post I apologise.
I have been with my Dh 10 years and married 5 years. I first met his brother and he hid behind a curtain (I just though he is socially awkward ) anyway a common ground was found, kinda. He drinks a lot and whiskey is his main conversation topic. Anyway fast forward few years on our wedding day my bil told my dad that he thought his brother could do better. (He back tracked later on after this but it was never the same) few more years passed and we had our ds who was 2 at the time and he started to joke about giving our ds miniatures (alcohol). I over heard this and said how highly inappropriate it was to joke about it. To which he responded he is his uncle and he could do what he wanted. As you can imagine I fought my ground as his mother and refused to see him again and was questioning his suitability around our ds.
Anyway I see him only at boxing day with our dh and ds and all of his family but not any other time. I don't stop my dh seeing him and I have had to force him to make a effort as he uses me as a escape route to see him when he wants. Now if we go to my dh family and he is there I do not object I will either go but make a short visit or tell my dh I will give it a miss.
He is moaning to my dh and his family how I am being unreasonable and will not forget my past problems with him. Now me personally I don't like him I don't have anything in common with him and tbh he creeps me out I have got past experiences with toxic people (my sister included) and I am happy to not have them as part of my life.
What would you do?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Your husband doesn't like his brother. (And neither does his mother's boyfriend, and I would seriously wonder if his mother does.) So he doesn't get to insist that you have to act as if you like him.

As for "He is moaning to my dh and his family how I am being unreasonable and will not forget my past problems with him" - tell your husband his brother is being unreasonable to expect you to forgive and forget when his brother has made no apologies for his behaviour nor made any effort to be less of a git. And that it is clear to you that he doesn't like his brother either, and that maybe if the rest of the faaaamily stopped with the 'it's just the way he is' crap that maybe although I doubt it his brother might motivated to be less of a git.

I see no reason for you to 'make amends' with your BIL. And I would be deathstaring down anyone who suggested that you did.

[Jayne266]

Wow whereyouleftist thank you so much for looking at the post so in depth. Yes you are right my dh and his family are cowardly about it. As I have mentioned I see him on boxing day but last year they informed me he wasn't coming because I was uncomfortable about it but failed to tell him I had never said that! it was because my Mil new boyfriend doesn't like him so they used me as a excuse to not see him on that day.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

A few things jumped out at me.

• "My dh and his family both don't understand why I won't forgive and forget because that's the way bil is and everyone just understands it."
  

To me, that reads that they know BIL's a problem but they don't want to deal with it and they're pissed off with you because you're highlighting that they're not dealing with it.

• "tbh he creeps me out I have got past experiences with toxic people (my sister included)"
  

When your instincts tell you something, it would be wise to listen to them. SO many problems are caused by people being too polite to act on their instincts.

• "he responded he is his uncle and he could do what he wanted"
  

Yep, that would bother me. It's a challenge, and I would be on edge waiting to see if he would carry it through.

• "I don't stop my dh seeing him and I have had to force him to make a effort as he uses me as a escape route to see him when he wants."
  

Now that's really interesting. Your husband would prefer to not see BIL (like you) but will toe the faaaamily line in pushing you to 'forgive and forget'. And he's happy to to lay blame at your feet. That's pretty cowardly all round.

[Jayne266]

Oh my painted handprints I have heard stories of that from my nan about whiskey etc for teething. I can't believe about the chocolate and sweets etc how old was your dc?

[Jayne266]

Knaffedoff- I hate the term family ties lol I don't even have that with some of my family. But reading your comment has made me realise it is easy to cut my family out and others but I didn't think how much it would affect my dh and his family. And I don't want my dh to be upset either so more effort is needed I think.

[Paintedhandprints]

Actually some people do like to sneak babies and children things their parents and normal people wouldn't want them to have. My mother is always doing it. It wasn't too long ago sje was suggesting whiskey/ brandy on the gums for teething pain and to help my baby sleep. She also liked to give my ebf baby chocolate sweets and j2O. So I would stick with your limited and highly supervised contact arrangement op.

[knaffedoff]

Jayne, I don't think you need to find a middle ground you just need to be polite and civil, you may never be friends but like it or not you have family ties!!!!

[Jayne266]

Madamdeathstare- my dh and him have a history when children which is not my place to talk about but he feels he needs to keep a eye on him. But as far as him liking him I would say no but my dh is lovely and might think by acting this way it makes it easier for me?

[Chippednailvarnish]

you need to make an effort to forge a basic and civil relationship

Well, actually you don't. If his behaviour hasn't changed toward you, only seeing him occasionally for short periods is about right.

[LoveBoursin]

Tbh I would just have organised things so that your dc wasn't in his care (on his own) whilst you are vistting.
I would also have just ignore comments etc... There is clearly something 'not quite right' (whether it's too much alcohol or something else I don't know) but I can't see, from what you said, enough to create such a huge discordance within the family. Or at least, not enough that I couldn't ignore it for the few times i the year you would have seen him.

[Jayne266]

Thank you all I think the reaction although slightly mixed has given me the answer I needed. I think because I didn't like him already I have reacted harshly so I need to find a way to find a amicable middle ground.

[MeadowHay]

YABU. He sounds to me like a bit of a tool, but he's your BIL, so you're stuck with him as a family member and you need to suck it up and get on with things and be polite, civil, even kind where possible. You have massively overreacted and are creating problems for your extended family. You really need to make an effort to change this, for the sake of your DH and the rest of your family on his side, and your child(ren?) who have him as an uncle, not just for your BIL.

[knaffedoff]

Gosh, I think your bil has been crass and his statements have been in poor taste, however he is your husbands brother and your child's uncle and for that reason, you need to make an effort to forge a basic and civil relationship.

[leelu66]

YANBU, I think. If someone said I can do what I want because I'm his uncle, I'd be pretty angry. Would he say that to your DH? Is he quite sexist do you think?

When he says you should forget the past problems, do you think he has changed? What does he want, to see more of you and your DS?

It sounds like your DH doesn't like spending time with him either, so if neither of you like him then I don't see the point of maintaining more than polite relations.

[shazzarooney99]

Seriously? you kicked up a stink about this? probabaly made your husband feel really akward, i think you need to grow up.

[MammaTJ]

Oh deary me!! I had cake while holding my week old Granddaughter and made a joke about her wanting some! My DD looked horrified, although she should know me better, my DSIL laughed, especially at her horrified face!!

I am so glad they did not hold this against me!

I think no grown adult would really want to share their booze give alcohol to a baby and you over reacted!!

[Jayne266]

My dh and his family both don't understand why I won't forgive and forget because that's the way bil is and everyone just understands it.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I wouldn't bother with him personally, I can't be doing with the pretending everything is fine around heavy drinkers.

[Jayne266]

Hi all just to clarify i generally didn't think he would let me son drink but he did have them in his hand and passed them to my ds. It was the response I got was how he was his uncle and he could do what he wanted attitude that got me upset.

[annandale]

What on earth was your dad trying to achieve by telling you?

Just wondered who said about him saying you were being unreasonable - sounds like it was your DH? Perhaps your DH thinks you were being unreasonable.

[evelynj]

I think you should make a bit more of an effort slowly & see how it goes. You may actually like him now but if there are any further weird or awkward/inappropriate moments or comments, let us know ;)

[theycallmemellojello]

He sounds awful to be fair. I wouldn't worry about his complaining too much. I guess just tolerate as far as you're able and beyond that, disengage.

[Jayne266]

Thank you for your reply the comment on my wedding day my dad told me and the alcohol thing I heard him myself. It wasn't the comments it was the fact he blew at me saying if he wanted to give him a drink he could because he is his uncle. I think the things combined with the fact I don't like him maybe hasn't healed.