AIBU to wonder if this person is not actually my friend

[mistydaytoday]

NC for this. I am struggling to process my feelings on this. I meet up with someone every week, sometimes twice a week with other mums. I thought we were friends. In the last year or so I've noticed she was a bit distracted. I've felt I've been doing a lot of the talking at our meet-ups. Mentioned to my husband that if I asked her a question I'd get a one sentence reply with no elaboration, and if I let silences fall in the hope she'd fill them, then they'd just grow uncomfortable. I had mentioned to DH that maybe she was ill. Or maybe she just loathed me ... But then why meet??

We met on Sunday with our DCs and DHs and again I noticed my DH and I seemed to be talking the most. I also noticed a couple of glances between her and her DH which I couldn't interpret, but when I got home and thought about it I felt pissed off and worried and a bit humiliated; they looked possibly like 'you noticing what I'm noticing' type of glances.

I had also commented to my husband previously that she 'shares' nothing. For example (I've changed details because this could be revealing), we have recently purchased a very expensive item (something she is considering doing too) and i had been talking about it for ages, weighing up pros and cons. Out of the blue she announced she'd regretted she hadn't gone to a show where these items were being demonstrated a few months back, but hadn't managed because she was busy. I found it utterly bizarre she hadn't mentioned the show to me at the time knowing I had a deep interest, and might have wanted to go, especially when we meet up so regularly and I talked about it so much. Similar stuff happens when she drops into conversation a great kids event they took their DD too, but only after the fact and didn't let us know it was on.

Today she announced in a group email to me and other mums that she's given up her job and would be taking a year off, and had a period of notice to serve etc etc. Turns out she resigned in early February?! AIBU to feel very odd about this? I feel a little hurt, but also a bit pissed off... We've met up many times in February and no comment at all about the 'big decision'.

AIBU to think this woman is actually not my friend at all. I genuinely don't know how to process my feelings.

[shutupandshop]

Let it go....let it go. Seriously, leave the ball in her court. Really, what are you getting out of these meet ups?

Bring a book so if she doesn't talk, you know what to do. Trial it out by saying nothing aftrr, hello, how are you?

Life is too short for this shit

[NanaNina]

I agree with ziggy and your DH OP who immediately commented that she wasn't well after finding out when she resigned from her job. I think this business of "the looks" is frankly ridiculous and probably nothing to do with you at all - you seem a touch paranoid.

Unless you can find some empathy for this woman and reach out to her in an authentic way, concentrating on her rather than you, then maybe it's best you do distance yourself.

[Storminateapot]

I agree with notquiteso. I think you could be taking glances personally when they weren't about you at all. There's a reason she's quit her job, ok she's not ready to tell you or doesn't want to talk about it, but there's a reason. They both know the reason & knew she was going to announce it to the group.

Consider this scenario:

Maybe he'd said to her before they arrived 'you really should say something to these, our closest friends first', and the looks were him signalling 'are you going to say something' & her signalling back 'I can't/won't'. He then disengaged from the meet-up because he was either pissed off with her or felt awkward that they were holding back something big from you.

That seems more likely to me, given that this news about her job came up the next day.

I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of 'well aren't you a dark horse, we thought something was up when we saw you, you were both so quiet' & see what she says. If she says no more then let it lie, but I'd lay money this is about something big in their lives, not your friendship at all and the penny will eventually drop.

[wotoodoo]

Do you think the conversations have been rather competitive? You say you talked for ages about the pros and cons of something v expensive. If that was a yacht or motor home then yes, that can put people off you. Likewise, if you have enough money for expensive shows etc people can be dismissive to hide their real feelings, especially if they are wondering how they are going to cope if one leaves their job.

It does sound as if she views you primarily as dc's friend's mum rather than her friend ifywim.

But the main thing I feel is the fact you have had a 2nd dc. Do not underestimate the emotional toll on someone desperate ttc and the awkwardness that comes between people because of this.

I was completely unware of the fact that my 'b'f from a baby group was ttc for the 2nd and actually I was mortified to find out she had suffered a mc (may be more?) and she had not told me. The thing was I was caught up in a whirl as you do when you have a baby (I have had 5) and for a while I was in mourning over the loss of this friendship not knowing what I had done wrong.

It was little by little, not talking much, until I actually went nc feeling so hurt. But the thing was, it was not either of our fault.

Dust yourself down op, check what you are saying and if you honestly can't fathom what you've done wrong then it probably isn't you at all and she has a lot on her plate at the moment and so is distracted.

[JemmaPell]

I agree with quite a few posters that this women could be going through hell/an illness etc and it's time you thought out of the box and proved yourself to be a friend to her....take her for lunch and talk to her! X

[MartinaJ]

I am a magnet for people who are emotionally troubled and stressed and find relief in offloading the stress in their lives on someone else.
Not sure why it is so, probably because I come across as a balanced and calm person while in reality I'm simply someone who is fiercely private with her feelings and emotions and rarely show my stress and worries and talk about it to strangers. I could stress for an Olympic gold medal but I choose not to share it. If someone was trying to get me to talk openly about my worries and stress, I'd simply disengage from that person and would never seek contact with them.

[Aussiemum78]

Ask her.

Say you've noticed that she's been quieter in conversation lately and meet ups felt a bit awkward and wondering if she's ok or if you've offended her in some way. Then give her an out by saying maybe it's nothing and she is just preoccupied with the resignation but you hope she's ok...

[HPsauciness]

Only on mn could it be the OP's fault that her friend is basically disengaged with her, doesn't tell her stuff and exchanges looks with her husband!

Yes, she might be depressed, but my experience is depressed people usually avoid you for a while, plus all my friends with depression would just say 'I'm having a tough time right now, can't meet up' (not talking about hospitalization levels, lower level depression). Yes, she might have a secret/illness which is making her cagey.

But this is a once a week or more meet up! That's 25 odd times in the last six months.

If you always discount people's reasons for doing things (they might be depressed/ill) then you miss the most obvious one of all, they are just not into the friendship any more. This is far more likely.

I would as everyone says ask- say 'you seem a bit quieter lately, is everything ok?' If there's still no give, then ultimately, if the connection isn't there, I'd let it go. You don't want to feel like you are being prying when you just want to have a nice chat with a friend.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Now you've updated with a bit more information I think I understand a bit more because I too am an introvert who overcompensates in social situations.

It may well just simply be the job thing. If it's bad enough to quit and it's been ongoing for a year it could well be that she is feeling stressed and unhappy and depressed. People do have breakdowns due to work stress and the impact can be massive across all aspects of a person's life. Or it might be something else that's happened.

But really, unless she tells you (and I agree you should try to facilitate this at least once) you don't have to continue to see her or make allowances that sacrifice your personal happiness and self esteem.

I would ask her outright if she's ok because she's not been herself lately. Then depending how she replies either be a supportive friend or put some distance between you for your own self preservation - in a polite yet friendly way. Then if it does transpire that something was going on you can decide what you want to do then.

[mistydaytoday]

DH has offered to go along to the classes for a couple of weeks, because these are unavoidable one on one meetings that I can't avoid without being pointedly rude. DH commented that when he pitched up on his own the last time neither she nor her DH asked where I was or why he'd come instead. He thought that was odd too because he never ever goes. On reflection, if her DH pitches up without her I do ask where she is and if she's OK, assuming she might be ill. Is that intrusive....?

After I do start going again, I might try and take knitting along or sewing so I can pretend to be absorbed in a task if there's silence. And I'll try not to fill the silence. BUT (and here's why its all become very very hard work for me) I am concerned that even that might backfire on me a bit because I suspect she's a bit of the fact I sometimes sew and knit for my DCs.

I am also going to try even harder to keep conversation on completely impersonal stuff if I can. That's harder than it sounds when you're monologing (is that a word...?).

Even after reading all the comments, I'm still no clearer really on what to do or how to go forward. But they have all provoked thought. Thank you for taking the time.

I feel cringingly appalled at the possibility I may be talking about myself all the time, or boring her to tears etc. That makes me feel ill. But if I am regularly 'monologing' to near monosyllabic responses then it is possible I WOULD sound totally only about myself and my interests, IYSWIM. I could sit in silence but its not a comfortable silence.

I have no way of knowing if it is me or the friendship that's the issue without asking her. And yes, I should be braver about that. But I am not comfortable with being that direct and telling her I think she's been off with me and not enjoying meet-ups, partly because I am an introvert and I hate that kind of confrontational stuff, as much as I respect it in others.

If it I knew it was me, then this would be easy. (Although how I disengage and tell her to remove me as her emergency contact and turn down her invitations is still all difficult to figure out too).

But I am worried still she's depressed or ill. If that's the case then I need to hang in there because I am her friend (in my mind anyway!) She has referred to meet-ups with me as her 'lifeline'.

I don;t feel I can ask if there's anything up. I feel that is intruding if, after so long, she's said nothing. It's up to her.

My gut is that regardless of whether it is the friendship she has got tired of, or whether she's depressed, both situations amount to her currently using me as a means for her only DC to have someone to play with: my DD. I understand that, but I don't like it if it means I do all the very very hard work. If she's not ill, its borderline contemptuous to not even try and keep up an easy but casual friendship. I'm not a bad dislikable person.

I wish I hadn't seen those bloody looks which I simply cannot ignore without compromising my own dignity. If I hadn't, I'd still be going along assuming there was something up and it would come out eventually. How can I be her lifeline, but also someone she can be snide about? It doesn't compute for me. But I have had enough and need a break. So DH is stepping in, and he has the sensitivity of a charging rhino, so ... fingers crossed and helmet donned.

[KERALA1]

I bet its not you. You sound very thoughtful and careful. Don't beat yourself up over it. Have confidence in yourself - you know you haven't done anything wrong.

She is either having a bad time personally that is nothing to do with you OR she is for her own reasons dumping you. The former just be kind and make it clear you are there when she needs you, the latter sod her her loss!

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I agree with Kerala. And I totally understand how you would be tying yourself up in knots. I do this too and it's exhausting so I actively try not to do it.

I suspect it really is very unlikely to be you and much more likely to be something going on with her. And if it is a problem with you then as Kerala says sod her!

[ZiggyFartdust]

Only on mn could it be the OP's fault that her friend is basically disengaged with her, doesn't tell her stuff and exchanges looks with her husband!

Only on MN could someone being a bit quiet, not talking to friends much, and looking at her own husband means she is clearly a horrible witch who is mean and nasty to poor OP.

Do you people seriously feel qualified to be so harsh to a complete stranger based on a second hand interpretation of the way she looked at another complete stranger? Are you all completely insane?

[Storminateapot]

No. I think if you read the thread, you'll find many of us proffered an alternative interpretation that was a bit more balanced in general.

[ZiggyFartdust]

Some did. Some gave horrible yet bonkers interpretations that are common on here.

[hookiewookie29]

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and ask her.
Can you invite her round for a coffee, on her own, and have a chat? You only need to say " how's things? Are you ok? You seem a bit unhappy/ pissed off/ upset just lately". After being friends for six years you should be able to ask her without fear of recrimination. The rest is up to her....at least you've tried! If you still get the same vibes, then back off. As for the odd looks between the two of them...you know what you saw and it made you feel uncomfortable so it wasn't right.

[Meemolly]

Can I ask what reaction you fear if you ask her? I ask this as I had a 'friend' whose friendship is playing out very similarly to what you have written above. I think I worried that if I raised anything she would throw out 'it's all in your head, we're not very good friends anyway' type of stuff and I was afraid of that. If I can offer you advice having been there, I would say to try and trust your gut on this one, trust yourself. You have no way of knowing what she thinks currently but it looks like in some way you feel wary.

[WhatHo]

Hi Misty did you ever get to the bottom of this? I've been thinking about your issue for a while - probably because I feel funny about what happened with my friend. For what it's worth, after your updates I really don't think you are the problem - somethings up with her, you haven't changed, and it's not your responsibility even if it's MH issues - so do give yourself a break.

Hope it is/gets sorted.

[Lindt70Percent]

I had a friend like this too. She was so secretive about everything. I'd known her since we were 9 and she would never told me anything. Mind you, she was always like it. She went to Australia for the summer when we were 10 (on her own, to stay with family friends) and I didn't know until her mum mentioned it to mine.

I found that she always wanted to know everything about me and would ask countless questions and after she left I'd realise she'd dodged all my questions to her. I stopped meeting up with her in the end. I think the final straw was when she and her husband gave up work to do PGCEs and I only found out through another friend. I'd been seeing her regularly at the time and she never mentioned it.