AIBU to wonder if this person is not actually my friend

[mistydaytoday]

NC for this. I am struggling to process my feelings on this. I meet up with someone every week, sometimes twice a week with other mums. I thought we were friends. In the last year or so I've noticed she was a bit distracted. I've felt I've been doing a lot of the talking at our meet-ups. Mentioned to my husband that if I asked her a question I'd get a one sentence reply with no elaboration, and if I let silences fall in the hope she'd fill them, then they'd just grow uncomfortable. I had mentioned to DH that maybe she was ill. Or maybe she just loathed me ... But then why meet??

We met on Sunday with our DCs and DHs and again I noticed my DH and I seemed to be talking the most. I also noticed a couple of glances between her and her DH which I couldn't interpret, but when I got home and thought about it I felt pissed off and worried and a bit humiliated; they looked possibly like 'you noticing what I'm noticing' type of glances.

I had also commented to my husband previously that she 'shares' nothing. For example (I've changed details because this could be revealing), we have recently purchased a very expensive item (something she is considering doing too) and i had been talking about it for ages, weighing up pros and cons. Out of the blue she announced she'd regretted she hadn't gone to a show where these items were being demonstrated a few months back, but hadn't managed because she was busy. I found it utterly bizarre she hadn't mentioned the show to me at the time knowing I had a deep interest, and might have wanted to go, especially when we meet up so regularly and I talked about it so much. Similar stuff happens when she drops into conversation a great kids event they took their DD too, but only after the fact and didn't let us know it was on.

Today she announced in a group email to me and other mums that she's given up her job and would be taking a year off, and had a period of notice to serve etc etc. Turns out she resigned in early February?! AIBU to feel very odd about this? I feel a little hurt, but also a bit pissed off... We've met up many times in February and no comment at all about the 'big decision'.

AIBU to think this woman is actually not my friend at all. I genuinely don't know how to process my feelings.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would distance myself, if meet ups are awkward, stop agreeing to them. I could not meet up with someone regularly, if I found it hard. Friends usually have things in common, and like each other company, does not sound like she likes your company.

[blobbityblob]

Hard to say. I have a friend who shares virtually nothing and expects me to do most of the talking - I've known her 20 years now and she keeps coming back so I don't think it is that she doesn't like me. I feel like an idiot sometimes telling her about my life when she tells me virtually nothing about hers. There's something a bit selfish about it.

I have another friend, who is a mum friend (same antenatal group, dc at school together and are friends, lives in the next road) and she does the thing of not telling me about stuff. For example mine was interested in athletics but didn't want to go to a new club on her own, which I told my friend. Next thing I hear is she's taken her dc there, without telling us. I've no idea why she does it, it seems really odd to me to not just say, by the way x is going to try the club would y like to go as well. The mum is quite competitive though so I wonder if it's about that. I just accept it really but she does it repeatedly.

On the whole this woman seems to make you feel uncomfortable. I'd stop inviting her out on her own and just chat when she's there as part of a group. But I'd guess she sees you as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

I think people do withdraw sometimes when they have big things going on. Part of the reason is they may not have told their dc and they don't want others telling them and possibly upsetting them. We may well have to move away from here in the next few months for financial reasons. I'm not telling anybody I know round here because my dc will be devastated and I don't want them worrying until it's definite.

[Aeroflotgirl]

blobbity I would find that kind of friendship hard, I tend to go for people similar to me, easygoing and open.

[OracleofDelphi]

Hold back emotionally from this friendship. Either she is odd and blows hot and cold / OR has a different idea about friendships to you / OR you arent as well suited as you think ... Or as a poster said about she is having a difficult time, and for whatever reason she doesnt want to share.

If it was me I would just wait for her to arrange something / text and then go from there. Seems a bit like you spend a lot of time with these people, which personally I find odd, if you arent secure with your relationship with them? I dont mean that in a horrible way just I hugely value my real friends but we can go weeks / months without seeing each other - I dont even see my best friend this much, so there isnt anyway I would be seeing someone who I wasnt sure if they were even my friend, this frequently.

Give the relationship some air and it will either wither, or the space ill allow it to flourish.

[Spock27]

I'm surprised at the amount of people telling you that you're being unreasonable! I think it's quite rude to meet up with someone and then spend the time making blunt answers to any attempt at conversation and doing the whole 'secret look' routine. Even if I think someone is a complete twat I wouldn't make them feel uncomfortable by looking at DH in that way, I would wait until we're alone and say what I thought. Or if they were being particularly rude and I thought it required speaking to them about it then I would. This just sounds bitchy.

For what it's worth, I'm a very quiet and introverted person and find it very hard making friends. But I put the effort in. It doesn't sound like she wants to and if someone did this to me then I would pull away from them and stop bothering too.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I meet up with someone every week, sometimes twice a week with other mums."
So are you one-to-one on any of these meetings, or are they all 'with other mums', i.e. group meet-ups? It's a bit ambiguous.

I mean this kindly misty, I really do; but have you considered that your friendship with this woman is not the be-all and end-all of her life? That she has other stuff going on in her life that has priority on her emotional energy? That is honestly how it sounds to me. She's been distracted for a year or so. She handed in her notice to her job a few weeks ago with the intention of taking a year out.

And during this year you presumably haven't raised her distraction with her once? Asked her how she's doing, she seems distracted lately?

[NanaNina]

I think this "friend" has a health problem - possibly depression/anxiety and so "zones out" of conversations and only has the energy for the bare minimum in terms of a response. I think the year off work fits with this and the e mail because she couldn't face telling you all. MH is very stigmatised in our society and she's maybe feeling very sensitive about your reaction.

SO ask her if she's ok (and ask it like you mean it) and if there's anything you can do to help. If she is forthcoming then ask if she's stressed (it's a less loaded word that depression/anxiety) and she's more likely to admit to that.

I might be wrong of course but I don't think I am

[TheWitTank]

I would just back off and let her come to you if she wants to meet up again. It sounds to me like she is either going through a tough patch that age doesn't feel comfortable sharing, or is making some life changes and is distracted and/or is cutting down on friends and meet ups. Maybe she does see you as a casual coffee pal and not a best friend she has to share her life with? I'm quite reserved with my private life and I don't tell my friends everything -even my best friends of many years.

[Meemolly]

This has happened to me to OP. We barely see each other now as I started to feel so insecure and couldn't understand her coldness. Still makes me sad now but I didn't want to spend time with someone who clearly didn't want to spend any with me. I have no idea why she agreed to meet up with me continually though, I wish she had just stopped. It would have felt kinder.

[BipBippadotta]

As others have said, she may have something big going on that she doesn't want to share (and that's her right). She may be trying to get a bit of distance from a relationship that feels smothering (meeting up 1-2 times a week is a LOT ). She may have trouble saying 'no', particularly if she has the sense it will hurt your feelings (which it seems likely, from your post, that it will). She may be dropping hints you are not picking up on.

None of this is very nice for you, so instead of thinking in terms of whether she is 'your friend' (where 'friend' has some sort of absolute meaning in terms of rights and responsibilities), think about whether you enjoy her company. It does seem from your description that there's not a lot of warmth or fondness between you - from either side. Stop inviting her out, I'd say.

[BillSykesDog]

I think you're overreacting about the event. If she'd gone and not invited you, maybe you'd have had a point, but seeing as she wasn't going she didn't really have any sort of duty to tell you about it.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

I would back away quietly OP.. different people have different friendship expectations and you two sound completely different. You do sound a little high maintenance expecting to be told about events and her job- we are still in February! But at the same time she sounds totally uninterested to the point that I'm wondering why she bothers meeting up.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

Oh and I agree with Bip, 1-2 times a week is a lot to be meeting, especially if you don't get on that well!

[mistydaytoday]

I posted , then DS went into melt down and I've only just come back to see replies. A lot of what has been said is what I fear: that she sees me as intrusive etc.

I don't think I represented myself well in my OP. I'd describe myself as a proper introvert, ( a self-employed at home workaholic before I had my DCs). I could go weeks without seeing anyone. I'm definitely not a gossip: people seem to tell me stuff I assume they don't tell others, I think because they see me as an outsider.  I generally choose to spend my time with DH and DCs rather than socialise with others. My naturally introverted  nature is why I think I'm ACUTELY aware of the change in meet-ups with this other woman. It wasn't always like this. 
 
I DO feel I have been talking too much. I ask the 'normal' questions: how are you, how's work, have you got plans for the weekend. But I would never pry. If I let a silence grow, deliberately to give her space to talk, it gets awful. So I find myself talking way more than I'm personally comfortable with. I try to find things I know she is properly interested in, like gardening, but nothing comes back. If THAT is what she's giving the looks about then it's fucking unfair.

 It's the shift. I just feel a bit WTF?! I haven't inserted myself into her life, but found myself there I assumed through growing 'friendship', which may sound naff.

I have genuinely wondered if she has been diagnosed with an awful illness, but I would never ask something like that. I assumed she'd tell me in her time if that was the case (maybe it still is). I have wondered if it's depression, which I have suffered from myself in the past.

We've been on holiday together - her suggestion - I would never suggest that frankly. She's asked me to be the emergency contact for her DD. Stuff that I think is intensely personal (by my barometer anyway). 

She's talked about her job and pressures extensively in the past, which is why I suppose I'm highlighting this now as (yet another) moment where something doesn't quite feel right. It isn't that this particular thing is a great betrayal, it's just the most recent 'difference' in measuring change. There are many, and all would probably seem trivial, but a drip drip accumulation has led me where I am now.

I've had a growing sense of disquiet, coupled with real confusion over about a year: I've known her for about 6 years now. I dislike feeling unsure and uncomfortable. But yesterday's  little looks between her and her DH were definitely off, then today's job news...  I would stab myself in the eye rather than spend time with someone who couldn't be bothered, or invade their space. 

My gut reaction is 'just fuck off now'. I'm more than happy to be on my own. But when meet-ups have tailed off in the past, she's expressed unhappiness about it. Referred to them as HER 'lifeline' for fucks sake?! This is partly why I e stick it out: if it is a mental health issue, I don't want to disappear on her. However, the little looks have really pissed me off. I can tell you 100% that I won't be volunteering even the most trivial detail about my life again, but that genuinely relegates us to polite acquaintances and on that basis I should not be the person called if her child falls and breaks an arm (IMO).

The one question I haven't asked is 'Are you OK?' I really don't feel like I can now. In the past I absolutely would have, but I feel like doors have been shut and that WOULD be intrusive now.

I would love to dodge meet ups but when other mums are around, I'd be cheating myself and DCs (one of the meet ups is as a group). The really awkward one is where our kids go to the same class, and it's just us waiting for them to finish.  I asked DH to go instead a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't face trying to sustain 'normality'. When he got back I asked how it was and he said 'I just talked at 'X' for a solid hour; she said nothing'.

It was her suggestion we met on Sunday. I am wondering if she's doing it just for her DD to play with mine, but frankly I'm not OK with being 'used' if she's just tolerating my presence. Incidentally, while DH and I were chatting to fill the void, her DH was surfing the net on his phone, saying nothing (that makes us sound like a couple of empty headed weirdos chatting away but we're not like that at all). Honestly, the more I think about it the more I think I can't be bothered with them. But it is bizarre. Oh, and I wouldn't describe her as bitchy at all, not normally.

[Witchend]

Do you perhaps giver the impression you want to talk about yourself and not listen to her.
I knew someone like that. I got to the point I'd give silly answers as all she was looking for was a lead into what she wanted to say. So conversations would go along the lines of... "Hi, what have you been doing?"
"I've just got back from herding cattle along the m3"
"oh that's fascinating... I booked a holiday this morning..." Followed by long detailed description on how, why and where this was.
When she'd finished her monologue she would tell me she was in such a hurry (followed by a description why which would last a good 5 minutes) that she couldn't stop and chat.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I'd send a text, tbh.

It would do my head in if there was genuinely no reason for a sudden change and a text is non-confrontational and gives her a chance to be honest without being put on the spot!

[Spock27]

If you were that close previously (and it's likely that your dcs are close as a result) then I think you owe it to both of you to try and sort it out by having an open conversation. Tell her that you're worried as she's been very quiet and you're not sure what's wrong or if it's anything you've done, that you don't want to lose a friendship like hers but it feels like she's not enjoying your meet ups anymore. Ball is in her court then, she can either tell you what's up and you can talk about it, she can say that she's going through a lot but it's nothing to do with you and she still wants to meet up but can't talk about it at the moment, or she can stay clammed up in which case you can decide whether to continue bothering with a one sided friendship.

[OracleofDelphi]

It does sond like there might be something up OP but thats her issue..... If she wants to share then she will.... It is odd to refer to something as a lifeline, and then not engage which makes me think here is more to this. However ultimatly you are not responsible for other people. Do what feels right for you and your family.

Re playdates just be a bit unavailable as its hard to leave if you have to rall children DH etc. I would meet her next time for coffee or soemthing neutral which doesnt have a set time (if she asks). Then if its horrid and weird, you can do soemthing to leave after a normal period of time - "oh god just got a text Im due to see the Dr in 10 minutes- go to rush off Sorry!" Re pickup - how long do you stand there for? I just turn up at the last minute, grab and leave.... So maybe just go a wincy bit later ? Or wave and say Hi and then go and ask another mum a question to strike up a chat with them?

If I do have to wait I try to always talk to different people, as 1 its nice and 2 I dont like to be part of a group or clique.

At the end of the day she might be having issues, but as I said they are her issues not yours, esp if she hasnt shared them. its not your job to dig them out of her. Just casually step away for a bit and see what happens. If she refers back to it, say that you thought she was a bit distant and obvs had stuff going on, and ou didnt wan to pry so just gave her some space.

Oh and your DC wont miss out if you dont go to the next one / two / three mum meet ups. Most of these friendships die and natural death in a few years in any case so dont do stuff that you dont fel comfortable with.

Its OK to feel sad about this, but dont keep putting yourself in the same situation over ad over again.

[mistydaytoday]

The thing about the work thing that doesn't sit with me is not that she didn't talk it through (I have no issue with that, although it's a departure from the norm ). It's more that she must have resigned a month or more ago. I must have asked her on at least 8 different occasions 'How is work?' And she'd reply saying 'Much the same...' (which I interpret as either 'no change' or 'it's still shite, I don't want to talk about it'). It certainly doesn't invite more discussion and I wouldn't probe.

But I would personally almost feel as if I was 'lying' (I KNOW that's not the right word) if I REPEATEDLY didn't mention over a reasonable period of time that I had actually resigned to a friend asking the question. She could have said, 'I've resigned but I don't want to talk about it'. Which I would not be offended by at all. And no, I don't feel I have a right to know, but the fact she didn't tell me is markedly different from the norm.

I think the reason she sent a group email is possibly to avoid telling me face to face, and to avoid my surprise because SHE knows it's odd too. Maybe I'm overthinking that, but even her 'sharing' to a group is not her norm.

Ugh!

[CaptainCrunch]

I don't think this is much of a friendship. I judge friends by the way they make me feel. If I feel better after spending time with them, if I walk home and feel happy, thinking "that was grand", they're a friend or if they've been having a difficult time and needed support "glad I went round, he/she was grateful for my help" but if I continually came away feeling frustrated and confused, I'd just bin them off.

The funny looks between her and her DH would be a deal-breaker for me. I've stopped seeing people for this reason in the past, it's childish and nasty and nobody needs that nonsense in their life.

[BipBippadotta]

Having read your updates she does sound a great deal weirder than she did in the original post. I can see why you're baffled & don't know where you stand (or want to stand). I'd give her a wide berth. Life's too short.

[ProfYaffle]

I had a similarish situation with a 'friend' a few years ago. We'd known each other about 6 years and it became depressingly clear that she just wanted me for childcare and because her dd liked my dd. I just let it slide, didn't contact her and once she realised I wasn't doing childcare any more she didn't contact me either.

In your shoes I think I'd still go along to the meet ups other people attend too but concentrate on the other women there. I wouldn't be doing any more playdates or meet ups with just you and her. From the sounds of it I'd guess she'll let it drop too but if she does come out with the 'lifeline' sentiment again, just communicate surprise and say you got the impression she was no longer enjoying the meet ups.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She may well have mental health issues, IR social anxiety issues,she talked about the meet ups being her lifeline, never the less she sounds like very hard work, I would cut down the meet ups, and meet in a group once a month. Tbh she does not sound like a big talker, that I personally would find hard as I tend to gravitate towards chatty people.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Totally nailed it captain, if she makes you feel confused or unhappy, distance yourself.

[AyeAmarok]

I'm with you on this OP. I think there maybe has been a change over the last year, over what, who knows. Could she be jealous of you?

I'd hate the shared looks between her and her DH, that's quite a bitchy thing to do and it's designed to make you feel uncomfortable. That's cruel.

And the intentionally not telling you things, then sending an email to everyone, I almost think it's a very pointed "I could have told you this, but I didn't".

It does all sound very weird. I'd maybe try and give her a wide berth and scale the friendship back to pleasantries only.