AIBU to wonder if this person is not actually my friend

[mistydaytoday]

NC for this. I am struggling to process my feelings on this. I meet up with someone every week, sometimes twice a week with other mums. I thought we were friends. In the last year or so I've noticed she was a bit distracted. I've felt I've been doing a lot of the talking at our meet-ups. Mentioned to my husband that if I asked her a question I'd get a one sentence reply with no elaboration, and if I let silences fall in the hope she'd fill them, then they'd just grow uncomfortable. I had mentioned to DH that maybe she was ill. Or maybe she just loathed me ... But then why meet??

We met on Sunday with our DCs and DHs and again I noticed my DH and I seemed to be talking the most. I also noticed a couple of glances between her and her DH which I couldn't interpret, but when I got home and thought about it I felt pissed off and worried and a bit humiliated; they looked possibly like 'you noticing what I'm noticing' type of glances.

I had also commented to my husband previously that she 'shares' nothing. For example (I've changed details because this could be revealing), we have recently purchased a very expensive item (something she is considering doing too) and i had been talking about it for ages, weighing up pros and cons. Out of the blue she announced she'd regretted she hadn't gone to a show where these items were being demonstrated a few months back, but hadn't managed because she was busy. I found it utterly bizarre she hadn't mentioned the show to me at the time knowing I had a deep interest, and might have wanted to go, especially when we meet up so regularly and I talked about it so much. Similar stuff happens when she drops into conversation a great kids event they took their DD too, but only after the fact and didn't let us know it was on.

Today she announced in a group email to me and other mums that she's given up her job and would be taking a year off, and had a period of notice to serve etc etc. Turns out she resigned in early February?! AIBU to feel very odd about this? I feel a little hurt, but also a bit pissed off... We've met up many times in February and no comment at all about the 'big decision'.

AIBU to think this woman is actually not my friend at all. I genuinely don't know how to process my feelings.

[KERALA1]

Agree with Aye. Sod her. Stay polite and pleasant but thats it. The shared looks thing would finish it for me. Who the f do they think they are? Too cool for school types are they?

[mistydaytoday]

I'm on exactly that wavelength now captain, aye, kerela. The little looks ... I'm not having that. Last straw. My problem is our two children attend a class together once a week. There was an attempt a while ago to abduct (we think) a child waiting for her mum afterwards, so mums all now wait for the class to end in a cafe. Mums have all grouped  off and we have always sat together. These are the meetings I find excruciating now. I can't leave DD until later to pick up and I don't have it in me to snub her and join other mums (apart from the fact I don't actually know the other mums, and I am an unsociable introvert!)

[ZiggyFartdust]

It sounds like she has got something going on, but you're making it all about you, and your feelings, and how she is with you and so on.
You're reading a lot into "looks", they probably had nothing to do with you at all.
You talk about how she didn't invite you to things, doesnt talk to you enough etc etc....to be honest I wouldn't be sharing my problems with you if you were my friend, because you don't sound very empathetic at all.

The "she's a bitch" posts are unsurprising but depressing.

[RockUnit]

Is there a chance you could have misunderstood the glances? They might not have been about you at all, but something else one of them wanted to get across.

I too wondered if she could be struggling with mental illness. Sadly there's still a stigma attached and not everyone is comfortable sharing that information. That could explain why she seems "closed" to talking. It's not about being selfish, more a fear of being judged.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just sit at a table on your own with a newspaper or a good book and a coffee. captain you are totally right

[CaptainCrunch]

Aw thanks Aero.

[mistydaytoday]

On jealousy, I have wondered if she finds it painful being in my company because I had a second DC, and she wanted one but couldn't? I know I'd find that difficult. But my other DC isn't with me (and a toddler now!) when i take DD to class and I don't mention her unless specifically asked. Initially she seemed genuinely interested - asking me about her through pregnancy etc, then it tailed off. But I'm also not sure it's just me thinking that because I know i'd have found it hard.

She's not the kind of person one would fall out with because she worries a lot about what other people think so is the least likely to cause offence. I can only think of one time when I felt upset with her (aside from now). It was a while ago too, but I've wondered if she has shifted since then...

She invited everyone to her house for a meet-up. No one could make it. DD was recovering from chicken pox and had had a hellish time. But she was at the scab stage and ready to go back to nursery. Her DD had had chicken pox already. I assumed it would be OK for us to visit and emailed and told her where DD was at chicken pox stage. She asked us not to come. I replied instantly hugely apologetic for asking and saying I didn't know DD was still contagious. But I was very embarrassed and a bit stuck because I had already told DD we were going (mistake) and she was wretched to not go. I don't think this friend even knows though that I felt that way because my initial reaction was horror I'd put her child at risk, it was only later I realised I hadn't. And that was when I felt fed up with her (she replied saying she didn't think it was contagious but please don't come anyway).

But this is maybe overthinking ...

[redexpat]

Friendships are for a reason, season or lifetime. Sounds as if her season is coming to an end. You can either ask her outright if something is bothering her because you've noticed she's been a bit quieter recently, or you can withdraw quietly. Maybe her circumstances have changed slightly and the two of you no longer 'fit'. It's tricky to say really.

One thing I do know, it is upsetting and unsettling when someone you think is a friend suddenly shows themselves to be not quite who you thought they were.

[LovelyFriend]

You seem to be now swinging to the other extreme OP.

Probably something is going on in her life & its not about you

[RockUnit]

I have wondered if she finds it painful being in my company because I had a second DC, and she wanted one but couldn't? I know I'd find that difficult.

That's possible, yes. But perhaps she feels it wouldn't be good manners to say that to you?

It sounds like she was worried by the chickenpox thing (even if there was no logical reason).

[mistydaytoday]

rockunit I'm concerned it could be a mental health. It's why I've hung in there. I have suffered from depression and I remember how having scheduled events gave my weeks structure, and a reason to get out, which was critical to my recovery. I also remember the friends who stuck by when I was a wreck.

I have tried to see all these changes in this context. But I can't get past the looks though, and I know what I saw. It's not my problem if it's a mental health issue ... but ....

Just mentioned the job thing to DH. He worked out she must have resigned in mid-January. His immediate response was, 'somethings not right; she's not well'.

[mistydaytoday]

ziggy if you'd read my post at 17.20 you'd notice it had actually occurred to me there might be something wrong with her. It's the bloody looks that have made me wonder if it's me she has an issue with (and I'm not mistaken about that; I was a bit chilled by it). That and the faintly contemptuous way her DH sat on his phone through a social meet-up (that they initiated).

[Hygge]

How well do your DH's know each other?

You say you meet once or twice a week in a group of Mums, but also you've met up with your DH's and children.

And you've said that this time, you and your DH have done most of the talking while looks have been exchanged between her and her DH.

Are they (your DH and hers) usually friendly enough that your DH might have noticed a difference in the way hers is treating him? Because if they are sharing looks about both of you that might mean the problem is with you as a couple. Or with your DH but spilling over into her time with you.

And have the other women in the group you normally meet up with noticed anything? How is she with them?

Does she give them short answers and sit in silence as well?

I don't know what to say about the show. She might have thought you already knew about it, as you were looking into the thing it was for.

She might not have been sure if she could go, and didn't want to make arrangements to go with you because she might then have to drop out.

She might have wanted to go alone. She might have thought that mentioning it to you would obligate her to either go with you or spend time with you there.

She might have thought that going separately and bumping into you every five minutes but not spending time with you would be odd.

And the event she took her daughter to. I suppose the same things might apply. Maybe she just wanted to spend time alone with her daughter, and even going separately might mean you met up.

Sometimes even the best of friends need a little space for themselves and their own families. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, but with all the other little things niggling at you, you do have to do something.

I think you have two real choices. Ask her outright if something is wrong with regards to your friendship, because you have been feeling like she doesn't enjoy spending time with you now, or back away from it and accept you'll probably never know what was going on but at least you're not being treated badly any more.

[ZiggyFartdust]

Yes, I can see it occured to you there might be something wrong with her. I can also see that you don't actually care because you're more bothered that you are convinced she "looked at you funny".
Just maybe it was about something else entirely. You sound like you massively overthink other peoples reactions based on the whole chicken pox thing, so your interpretation is unreliable and likely unfair.

[mistydaytoday]

hygge We've all known each other for about 6 years now, but DHs don't spend as much time together. Fair point: I can't remember what was actually being said and who said it that initiated the looks. Maybe they were for my DH. All my DH has commented is that he often felt when he was talking to her as if she looked like she wanted to say something, and then deliberately chose not to. He also commented negatively about her DH being on his phone the whole time on Sunday, which isn't typical but maybe he had a work thing going on rather than avoiding talking.

And she's really not a bitch. But she has once told me she's a 'black and white' person with people; either she likes them, or not.

[DingleberryFinn]

You mentioned she was TTC for a second child - is it not possible that she didn't want your DD with chickenpox to come round as she may have been (or hoped to be) pregnant and didn't want to risk it? I realise scab stage is not contagious but irrational as it may be I would still probably think "better safe than sorry" if I was pg and could choose to avoid it.

As for the resignation, it may not have been straightforward and they may have agreed to backdate it so she can work less notice (or they have said she can just go, and she's backdating it to hide the truth).

Just playing devil's advocate a bit. But if she makes you feel bad about yourself on a regular basis then the friendship probably isn't worthwhile.

[mistydaytoday]

dingle Possibly, I'm not sure. I know she was TTC some years back but she told me they'd decided to stop (this was pre the non communication period). She's nearly 50 now so I'd be surprised if she suddenly changed her mind. Even so, I don't think she knew I ended up upset about that. All she got from me was genuine and heartfelt apology.

[smellslikemeanspirit]

I've had similar issues with a school mum recently, I was left out of a get together which then appeared on social media. I've not asked questions, but have been pleasant but not friendly, and backed away basically. It worked for me. Got fed up of second guessing her thoughts etc

[iyamehooru]

She could be dealing with a life threatening illness and not wanting to disclose it?

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

I had this with an old friend. Felt a bit snubbed, couldn't work it out at all. A few years down the line she's told us she has a life changing degenerative illness usually associated with much older people. Took her a long time to tell people. She was diagnosed during the time I was confused.

It all fell into place them

[Rainbunny]

Well you've known each other for about 6 years but her changed demeanor is recent. It seems as though she has recently decided that she doesn't like you as much (sorry I know that sounds harsh) but after 6 years I'd say this is about her and not you iykwim. It could be as simple as her feeling that her life is in a rut or you seem to have a better life than she does, maybe your friendly chatter seems like you're going on about your wonderful life? The snarky looks between her and her dh would be too much for me though, they've obviously been bitching about you together.

[HPsauciness]

I go out with my friends to have fun, to share stories and to generally enjoy each other's company, with the odd sadder moment shared too.

I wouldn't continue a friendship where the person looked uninterested or didn't want to share- to me that's completely the point of having friends, they like you, are interested in you and want to tell you stuff.

If she indeed did have a terrible illness but didn't want to share it, it wouldn't work for me friendship wise either, because once a week for six months is too many meet-ups not to share something very important in your life. If you saw someone once or twice in that time, fair enough not to blurt everything out, but that's a lot of time. My experience of friends with serious illnesses is that they have immediately shared their devastation, the idea of pretending all is fine for months or years is what I would do with acquaintances or people I don't see that often, not a friend I see every week.

[HPsauciness]

And, glances exchanged with her husband are plain mean.

I agree with whoever said the season of this friendship is coming to a close. Just be less available, perhaps meet up if you feel you must and move on, she's not treasuring this time together and her husband and her gossip about you and even worse, let it show (everyone gossips later on perhaps to their husband, but it's incredibly rude to let glances like that be seen by others).

[Chinesealan]

Be friendlyish when you have to meet for kids groups. Distance yourself and make our excuses if she asks to meet up.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

I've just found this. I think she's seriously unwell. I think they were looking at each other because they're aware they have a big secret and they are checking with each other whether to say more or not? It's just possible she's entirely shut down, and the DH zoned out on his phone cos he doesn't know how to deal with it?

I'm sympathetic OP because you sound exactly like me, right down to the worried overthinking and then the anger that comes from the stress of knowing somethings 'off' but have no idea what and no ones saying.

I think, take a deep breath, and ask. The last time this happened to me, my friend burst into tears and a long, complicated story came out that she had been holding back. Try something like, 'you haven't seemed yourself lately and I've found myself worrying if you're alright. Are you ok?'