to feel put out when my friend implies how morally good she is?

[CorporateMachineWithAHeart]

My friend has recently started work in the charity sector. It is not a highly paid job but she enjoys it hugely, and is good at it. Whilst it is rewarding and challenging, many of the aspects of it seem, to me, really interesting and fun too: for example, she is sometimes asked to scout around the city for venues for luxury fundraising events; she often has to help out at fundraising days; she is in charge of mailing important donors and meeting those who donate.

I OTOH am going into a more corporate role. It is better paid than hers but equally the hours are longer, the work will probably be less interesting and obviously won't be anywhere near as rewarding as hers (I won't be helping people).

When we meet up, she always talks disdainfully about friends of ours who have "sold out" to the corporate machine and talks in glowing terms about those who haven't, as she sees it. FWIW this sector wasn't her first choice, she was interested in Corporate Law and also PR originally.

I'm certainly not trying to disparage her, just don't understand why she always has to make it into a competition about who is the better person She forgets her job is interesting and she gets to do fun things but she sometimes seems to imply she's doing it because she really cares etc. -rather than being paid, as if to lay it on thick that I am "selling my soul"

[cdtaylornats]

If it wasn't for us sell-outs having good paying jobs and donating where does she think the money for her halo would come from?

[Trills]

I think she would only be going on about it if she were unhappy, or if she for some reason felt that others were looking down on her choices.

[Nydj]

Presumeably a lot of the generous donors have made their money in the corporate world - you could perhaps muse whether the charity could survive without the corporate world.

[Ins3cth0t3l]

If your company does not support a charity you can suggest one
You can organise a vote for employees
You can support local or international charities
You can organise volunteer days

and / or

You can support charities and volunteer in your own time

There are people who visit companies that try to get employees to sign up to charities via pay as you earn or you can organise your own

If you look at alot of charities you can see how much they spend on admin, wages, directors and how much money they actually spend on where it is supposed to be spent (versus funds sitting in a bank account) this can be a bit of an eye opener

Example
You could give blood
Sign up to be a donor if you die
Sign up to donate other things like bone marrow
Are these things more worthy than things that other people do and more morally correct ?


I think charity and volunteering are a good thing, but it is personal
Everyone has that special subject that is close to their heart

I certainly do not think that the things I do are any more worthwhile than anyone else and the things I support change regularly

I like to hear what other people are doing, but I would never even think to judge anyone

Does your friend judge people who drink or smoke or do dangerous sports, i am asking incase it is one of her character traits

[BrightBagLady]

Maybe see if you can find out if there are any big corporate donors to the charity she works at (and from what you say there is a fair amount of schmoozing/fundraising entertaining go on so likely to be). And then refer to the fact that it is great the way the world works - the corporate make money to fund the charities - everyone has their role and so no-one has really sold out. Just playing different roles.

[theycallmemellojello]

"just noticed XYZ [mutual friend] got a new job... I thought he would have sold out but no, he's helping on international aid deals, really making a difference"

But don't you think it is pretty admirable when people who could be working for a six figure salary take much less in order to do something worthwhile? I have very intelligent and talented friends who could be raking it in but have chosen to do jobs they believe are socially worthwhile. I think that is a wonderful decision that does say something about their character and I do admire it. That doesn't mean that I think that people who don't make that decision are horrible people. Certainly it's not a decision I've been bold or committed enough to make. I think YABU to criticise her for expressing admiration of this friend.

[thebiscuitindustry]

Does anyone have any advice re. what to say next time she makes a similar remark please?

"People are different no matter where they work. You never know how much corporate employees donate to charity or how greedy some charity employees may be".

[pastmyduedate0208]

Competitiveness within friendships spoil the whole relationship.

You both sound dreadfully insecure and suffering from comparitivitus.

Change the subject when you are drawn into one-upmanship.
"Oh, did you see the latest episode of Murder in Paradise?"....

[PastaLaFeasta]

I volunteer for a few charities, one very large one who raise funds by putting on fancy events. I took a friend to a free low key event and she was morning about the morality of the fundraisers being very wealthy and having the freedom to do this work and run fancy events eg women who've married well and don't need to work. These people do a great job and are indeed very lucky, I'm not so well off but lucky to afford to be volunteering rather than working and I enjoy it too. It's also lucky to be able to afford to work for less money within a charity - mortgages, childcare and bills don't pay themselves. And the fancy fundraising events wouldn't happen if the corporates weren't sponsoring, buying tickets or buying auction items. We've all got to contribute in the best way we can and if you earn more you pay more into the tax pot too.

[theycallmemellojello]

And of course rich people can donate money - but if everyone with the ability to earn a lot took that attitude then no talented people would go into the public sector, third sector and NGO work.

[CorporateMachineWithAHeart]

Wow, some really excellent advice here, food for thought!

Totally agree with the posters who said that you can work for a supposedly "evil" company and still have just as good/better principles than someone who works for a charity.

I think I'm annoyed because like I said it was never her first choice originally or "calling" - by which I mean she did it for the money, not first and foremost due to a desire to help people.

Secondly, she seems to conveniently ignore the fact that her job is quite fun, involves planning events and interestingly a large proportion of money raised comes from the corporate sector!

Thirdly, as PPs have said, she is being paid for it!

Just don't understand why it always has to come to down to who is better than who, morally...

I do wonder if it has come about from wanting to prove herself... We did discuss salaries once and I mentioned briefly how someone a few years ahead me (at same firm) was on x amount (not to boast; who's to say I'll make it that far) and she seemed to really take it to heart. Who knows. I certainly have never discussed my job in comparison to hers though - just don't see the point!

[Louise43210]

You say "She's just like me then, she's gone over to the dark side" or something insulting to yourself. She may realise then that she's also insulting you, you never know.

[CorporateMachineWithAHeart]

theycallmemellojello - absolutely know what you mean but I don't necessarily think that the people in question are doing it solely for this. I think it is a combination of who has offered them a job (all relatively recent graduates), the location, the money. I do admire the thought behind it but to be frank none of us are really in the position where we can choose where we work that much atm - we're not CEOs, just normal graduates finding our niche. The way she describes it, it is very much a conscious decision that people have taken and I don't think (at least in my circles - young graduates, first job out of uni, competitive job market) it often is.

pastmyduedate0208 - I think that's quite unfair actually! I'm not dreadfully insecure and have no wish to compare myself to her. I would happily exist quite comfortably without comparing myself to her... It is just that she has commented one too many times now on the differences between us, and this has tipped the balance for me really. I have always changed the subject in the past but I'm fed up of just mutely nodding and taking her comments. I feel like she's looking to put me down a peg or two

[RoboticSealpup]

Jesus, she's coding rich "philanthropists" and putting on glamorous events to get them to part with their cash. Charities are run like corporations these days and they are just as interested in sustaining themselves and continue to pay their staff was they are in helping "the cause". Not all money goes to helping people! They also squeeze volunteers and paid staff until the pips squea, giving little in return because the job is so "fulfilling".

Yes, I'm a bitter ex-charity slave employee.

[RoboticSealpup]

That should be courting rich 'philanthropists'!

[RoboticSealpup]

And pips squeak. Bloody hell, better go to bed now...

[RitaVinTease]

People who need to put others down are deeply insecure individuals who assume everyone else is judging them in the same way. Plus they are tedious company,
I'm guessing she is insecure about her salary. Dont mention money and see if that helps.

[NiceCardigan]

I worked for a charity and the pay was pitiful with enormous expectations of what I was expected to do for the people I was helping. I just couldn't sustain it. It was a world away from fancy events.

I'd be at your friend.

[HeyYouGetOffMyCloud]

Maybe she feels the need to justify herself to people who give the impression she's left behind financially.
Those saying that people working in the corporate sector are just as moral as those in the third and public sector. Well that's simply not true. Take your big pay cheque but you can't have that as well.

[CorporateMachineWithAHeart]

HeyYouGetOffMyCloud - come on, really?! You cannot honestly claim that someone's job title dictates "how moral" they are

[RubySparks]

Agree Corporate! I have worked (sold out) for a very big corporate and also for a charity. They are very different, but pros and cons for both. I have the same morals I always had.

[pastmyduedate0208]

But Ruby, you sold them off to the corporate machine!

[Italiangreyhound]

Steer the talk away from work.

If she is happy, great, if not you are there for her, or rather perhaps say it all sounds great and if you ever have any work stresses I am here for you.

It's not and should not be a competition. Either have it out with her (you find it hurtful - if you do) or steer away from work and talk about other things.