DD's party invites. AIBU to exclude girl who excludes DD.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

DD is planning her 13th birthday celebration.

As a bit of background (a bit long, sorry) when DD started secondary all of her friends went to different schools so she has nobody from her old school in her class. She has taken a while to settle and find friends. At the end of Y7 she thought she was in a friendship group of 4 as well as being on the edges of other groups. She was a little closer to one of the group (A) as she lives nearby and they sometimes walk home together. But the 4 of them hung out together at lunch and breaks and sometimes went out after school. A couple of months ago DD found out that one of the 4, (B), had had a sleepover and excluded DD. Nothing mentioned but pics on FB. This happened three times. DD was hurt but being sensible decided not to make a fuss but drift more towards other groups. She is now closer to other groups and is fine. She still walks home with A occasionally.

So now it's coming up to her birthday and one of the activities she's looking at would limit numbers to 12. She's definitely inviting her new groups and as she went to A and C's parties, she wants to invite them too. So that makes the 12. She wouldn't be able to invite B, who has been excluding her. If she wanted to invite her she'd have to think of something else.

So what to do? I regularly read on MN how it is not on to exclude just one person in a group. However as this girl clearly doesn't think of DD as a friend I'm not convinced she should change her plans just so that she can invite her.

Wise fellow MNetters please advise.

[CooPie10]

You're way overthinking this based on a few threads here? Come on, your dd chooses who to invite not you.

[Redglitter]

I don't see why she should be stopped from posting photos on FB. Seems pointless telling her not to you can bet everyone else will

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

She doesn't actually do much FB - leaves that to oldies like me!

[ovenchips]

OP I think TerryPratchett nailed it in your first response.

I wouldn't lose a moment's more thought about it, honestly.

Hope your DD has a lovely party. If she uses Facebook and wants to post photos of her birthday 'do', I think it's perfectly reasonable of her to do so.

[CaptainCrunch]

The more I read on here, the less I think it bears any resemblance to rl and people's actual behaviour. Why you would even consider this based on some of the previous threads is beyond me. Your dd is 13 and should be able to decide for herself.

[WorraLiberty]

I'm just thinking back to when I turned 13 during the early 80s.

Mum: "Right Worra, you can invite 12 friends so make a list and send out the invitations".

Me: "OK, cheers Mum".

I'm pretty sure there's a bit more hand wringing/over involvement nowadays from parents, due to the internet.

[AvaLeStrange]

Get her to choose the activity she wants. Get her to choose the guest list.

This, absolutely. TBH I've done this since DD started school, which probably makes me public enemy No 1 on here, but they should certainly be able to choose what and whom they want to celebrate their birthday with by secondary school age.

Am certain that is going to bite me on the arse in a year or two

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Probably right - MN has made me start to over think things a bit. But it has also made me realise that I often didn't think much in the past. My eyes have been opened about many things.

In this case however DD is the one unsure about leaving someone out. She does still spend some time with the original group at school, just much less than before. But numbers are limited so she wouldn't be able to invite everyone.

[Redglitter]

Probably not inviting her is safest I was told to invite a 'friend' to my party one year around that age. She started playing up after about 20 mins when much to my parents horror I frog marched her to the front door and threw her out

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Ha Redglitter! Neither of us is brave enough to do that in RL.

[LeaLeander]

I agree it's a no-brainer and I don't even see the need to refrain from social media. (and I am adamantly NOT a social media maven.)

As others have pointed out, she and B aren't really in the same friendship circle any longer, so it's not even a question of "excluding" her any more than not inviting the person in the third house on the next street is "excluding" that person. Just because they have mutual friends doesn't mean your daughter and B must include one another on every activity. Clearly B doesn't think so.

I see no reason to make her keep her festive party pix on the down low because some people might be "hurt." She's not snubbing anyone nor is a birthday party anything to be ashamed of holding. "Had a great time at the paint-it-yourself pottery center for my birthday! Thanks everyone!" with a photo is perfectly acceptable sort of post.

[WorraLiberty]

Hope she has a great birthday and it all goes smoothly

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Thanks Worra

[Aussiemum78]

I'd let her choose but have a word to her about being tactful about the invitations and all that, no need for her to make the other girl feel bad because she had no tact.

It's normal for friends to change over time, but it doesn't mean they don't like you, or it has to be nasty. Some people never learn this, and adults who are like this are a pita to be friends with.

[lavenderhoney]

Let her invite who she wants and she can be excited about it! And post on FB. She doesn't have to tip toe round a girl she isn't that close too.

She just invites her friends, and if the other girl says " what about me?" Which sounds unlikely tbh, your dd can say " mum said only 12 people and i have to invite back people who invited me to their parties etc- sorry"

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh no op, she does the activity she wants and excludes B. B from the sounds of it does not see your dd as a good friend anyway, she is inviting those who are close to her. That's the way it goes I am afraid, at least B will know what it feels like.

[Headofthehive55]

Yes you should put FB pictures if your daughter wants to. You don't need to keep the party a secret! You are just recording an event and sharing that recording.

[Catsize]

I don't get why you are inviting her friends when she is old enough to choose,

[DrSeussRevived]

It's totally fine for her not to invite B.

But it's unfair to describe B as excluding her, IMO - B's parents probably said, "you can have a couple of friends to sleep over" and B picked those she'd been friends with for years. Even if she saw your DD as her third closest friend, she couldn't ask her. Your DD obviously sees B as her 13th closest friend or less. Which is fine.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

FB is sooo last century.

As you said op, it is all Snapchat and Instagram these days.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

It's not ME doing the inviting it's DD. I just used AIBU because that's the thread group! I suppose it should be ISBU!!! Anyway she feels a bit bad about leaving her out even though she doesn't really want her there.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Did B go to primary school with at least one of A and C? Because it seems to me that it may be that B sees your d as "A's friend Sarah" rather than her friend if that makes sense?

It happens as an adult too. I am in a friendship group with A to F. A, B & C are also very friendly with J & K. D, E & F barely know J & K but I work with them so know them quite well and like them perfectly well too. But I wouldn't invite them to mine and they wouldn't invite me to theirs and that is fine. If C invites us all over then we have a nice chat.

[senua]

Anyway she feels a bit bad about leaving her out even though she doesn't really want her there.

Time for a feminist chat? Women are constantly done over because they are such people-pleasers. Now is the time to teach her that it's OK to stand up for yourself and say 'no'.

[DrSeussRevived]

It's also possible that B felt bad that she couldn't ask your DD with only two sleepover slots!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op your dd should not feel bad. She does not sound close to her and seems to have moved onto new friends. She would be completely justified not inviting her. She should invite who she really wants.