DD's party invites. AIBU to exclude girl who excludes DD.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

DD is planning her 13th birthday celebration.

As a bit of background (a bit long, sorry) when DD started secondary all of her friends went to different schools so she has nobody from her old school in her class. She has taken a while to settle and find friends. At the end of Y7 she thought she was in a friendship group of 4 as well as being on the edges of other groups. She was a little closer to one of the group (A) as she lives nearby and they sometimes walk home together. But the 4 of them hung out together at lunch and breaks and sometimes went out after school. A couple of months ago DD found out that one of the 4, (B), had had a sleepover and excluded DD. Nothing mentioned but pics on FB. This happened three times. DD was hurt but being sensible decided not to make a fuss but drift more towards other groups. She is now closer to other groups and is fine. She still walks home with A occasionally.

So now it's coming up to her birthday and one of the activities she's looking at would limit numbers to 12. She's definitely inviting her new groups and as she went to A and C's parties, she wants to invite them too. So that makes the 12. She wouldn't be able to invite B, who has been excluding her. If she wanted to invite her she'd have to think of something else.

So what to do? I regularly read on MN how it is not on to exclude just one person in a group. However as this girl clearly doesn't think of DD as a friend I'm not convinced she should change her plans just so that she can invite her.

Wise fellow MNetters please advise.

[Muskey]

When dc are in primary I do think it's mean to exclude 1 or 2 dc out of a whole class invite. However by the time they reach secondary school most dc unfortunately know what it feels like to be excluded. Let her pick her friends that she wants to have at her party. It is her day afterall

[WeAllHaveWings]

has your dd invited the friends to yours for a sleepover?

I find with sleepovers ds goes to a few because they have been to ours first or they have invited ds and we've then reciprocated.

Maybe the other girls have been to each others 1 at time, or maybe, like ds she's only got space in her bedroom for 2 sleeping over. I wouldn't get upset at allegedly getting excluded when you don't know the whole picture, if she wants a sleepover invite them all to yours.

[DrSeussRevived]

No, I don't know. But I think it's fair to assume a simple, logistical reason, rather than that B is cruel for inviting friends she has known longer.

Hiding the thread now.

[sleeponeday]

How is it karma for B, who presumably was allowed two guests and chose two friends she's known for years? Which of the other two should she not have asked?

Sorry, but that's also an assumption. Kids can be cruel and pecking orders aren't usually established without bloodletting. It may be the absolute and simple reality, or it may not be what happened at all. You have no clue on this, any more than anyone else can know if B would be resentful if not included herself.

[DrSeussRevived]

Have you assumed that OP's DD has been trying to turn A and C against B since she didn't go on the sleepover?

No?

Then why jump to that nasty conclusion about B?

[DrSeussRevived]

".If that weren't the case B would probably turn A & C against her"

And this is based on what?

[maydancer]

Hmm as she is drifting away from that group anyway I think it would be ok.If that weren't the case B would probably turn A & C against her

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

It sounds OK to not invite her, as they're not close. But I wouldn't think of it as karma for B either, as there might have been lots of reasons why she just didn't invite your daughter; they're not close friends but it might not have been personal, deliberately excluding her or anything.

I also think it is being kind not to post photos of the party on facebook. I think there are lots of people who end up upset that way, when an activity that they could have been invited to - but clearly weren't - is posted about and talked about. It's different if it's just one or two friends who've gone somewhere and want to show photos, or if it's a large group and some didn't come because they couldn't, etc, but if most of the people she was friends with were invited, and only a few who weren't, it might be nicer not to post photos of it. Can still talk about it if needed, but not making a big deal of it in front of those who weren't there, for whatever reason. Or if they have to post photos, make the settings really tight and only allow those to see it who were there. Yes, others might still post about it, but at least by trying not to rub people's noses in it, she is being considerate.

[DrSeussRevived]

How is it karma for B, who presumably was allowed two guests and chose two friends she's known for years? Which of the other two should she not have asked?

It's fine for DD not to ask B, less fine for people to think she "deserves" it!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Karma for B

[PosieReturningParker]

Invite who she wants and who you can accommodate.

[blobbityblob]

I think that sounds fine. She can just explain there was a limit on numbers if it comes up.

[Nataleejah]

She's a teenager. She's od enough to choose her own guests.

[Mellowautumn]

You are defiantly overthinking this and being a bit wet to be honest. The 'musnt put things on facebook' is bonkers

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op your dd should not feel bad. She does not sound close to her and seems to have moved onto new friends. She would be completely justified not inviting her. She should invite who she really wants.

[DrSeussRevived]

It's also possible that B felt bad that she couldn't ask your DD with only two sleepover slots!

[senua]

Anyway she feels a bit bad about leaving her out even though she doesn't really want her there.

Time for a feminist chat? Women are constantly done over because they are such people-pleasers. Now is the time to teach her that it's OK to stand up for yourself and say 'no'.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Did B go to primary school with at least one of A and C? Because it seems to me that it may be that B sees your d as "A's friend Sarah" rather than her friend if that makes sense?

It happens as an adult too. I am in a friendship group with A to F. A, B & C are also very friendly with J & K. D, E & F barely know J & K but I work with them so know them quite well and like them perfectly well too. But I wouldn't invite them to mine and they wouldn't invite me to theirs and that is fine. If C invites us all over then we have a nice chat.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

It's not ME doing the inviting it's DD. I just used AIBU because that's the thread group! I suppose it should be ISBU!!! Anyway she feels a bit bad about leaving her out even though she doesn't really want her there.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

FB is sooo last century.

As you said op, it is all Snapchat and Instagram these days.

[DrSeussRevived]

It's totally fine for her not to invite B.

But it's unfair to describe B as excluding her, IMO - B's parents probably said, "you can have a couple of friends to sleep over" and B picked those she'd been friends with for years. Even if she saw your DD as her third closest friend, she couldn't ask her. Your DD obviously sees B as her 13th closest friend or less. Which is fine.

[Catsize]

I don't get why you are inviting her friends when she is old enough to choose,

[Headofthehive55]

Yes you should put FB pictures if your daughter wants to. You don't need to keep the party a secret! You are just recording an event and sharing that recording.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh no op, she does the activity she wants and excludes B. B from the sounds of it does not see your dd as a good friend anyway, she is inviting those who are close to her. That's the way it goes I am afraid, at least B will know what it feels like.

[lavenderhoney]

Let her invite who she wants and she can be excited about it! And post on FB. She doesn't have to tip toe round a girl she isn't that close too.

She just invites her friends, and if the other girl says " what about me?" Which sounds unlikely tbh, your dd can say " mum said only 12 people and i have to invite back people who invited me to their parties etc- sorry"