Any dog owners around - AIBU?

[BashBishBosh]

Don't flame me please - I have a real fear of dogs after I was bitten when I was 4.

DS is 6; he is wary of dogs (I assure you this is not through me - we rarely encounter them).

DS has been invited to play at a friends house after school tomorrow . I know the parent as an aquaintance and she seems nice . I have had her DS over to play a few times .

The issue I have is , she has a dog . It's a rescue and I think is a young male boxer ; she hasn't had him very long - maybe about 5 or 6 months .

I don't know the dog so I don't know it's temperament. She does have three other children (for context of how the dog is) .

The mother knows my DS is scared wary of dogs as I have mentioned it .

My DS really wants to go to his friends house and he knows they have a dog . I also know when he sees the dog he will feel scared .

I feel really uncomfortable about this and I don't know if I'm being irrational.

Would you let your DC go?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

The biggest problem with Boxers is that they're big and bouncy, so a child who is wary may end up being scared if the situation isn't handled well. Even my ds, who loves animals of all kinds including dogs, becomes very overwhelmed when dsis's Staffie is jumping up and down and barking. He loves her to bits and is a total natural with her otherwise.

If handled well, and the Boxer is allowed to calm down before 'meeting' your ds, it could actually help him to become less wary. I'd let him go buy speak to his friend's mum asking her to help your ds become less wary through careful introduction and perhaps involving him in the dog's care (e.g. feeding it it). She will probably take it as a compliment and make it her mission to help.

[charlestonchaplin]

You only know this woman as an acquaintance. You don't even know her well enough to make a reasonable assessment about her general level of responsibility. You haven't seen her interacting with her dog.
They have had the dog a relatively short period of time.
The decision is yours to make and the responsibility is yours.
It is very likely nothing untoward will happen, but do not let dog owners dismiss your concerns. If something does happen (very unlikely) you will be plagued by thoughts that you made the wrong decision because of the points I set out above.

There are many poorly trained dogs out there whose owners don't realise they are poorly trained. There are many very indulgent dog owners whose indulgence creates behavioural problems. How do you know whether this dog and family fall into this group?

I hate people making out that wariness of dogs is ridiculous and unreasonable. Fear is not helpful, especially extreme fear, but children should be wary of dogs. I don't want to set out all the many reasons I believe this to be the case, for fear of inflaming the OP's fear.

OP, I think you should let your child visit homes with dogs, but only when you are able to make good assessments of the owners and, ideally, their interaction with their dog beforehand.

[DustyBloovers]

YANBU to be wary but I would still let your son go. Mention again to the mum that he is nervous around dogs, any decent dog owner would either put the dog in another room until your son was comfortable or put the dog on a lead.

I had a rescue dog who was sometimes dog aggressive and would get extremely nervous when new people (to her) came to the house. I found she got agitated if I shut her away but if I put on her lead she realised I was in charge and calmed right down. She was a food monster and would do anything for a treat so many, many of my kids friends and my friends kids got over their fear/nervousness around dogs by getting my girl to do her small repertoire of 'tricks'.

My dog now is the sweetest most gentle thing ever, he has a wee look when visitors arrive then settles down but even with him I would put him on the lead if I knew someone was nervous.

Hope your son has a lovely play date and enjoys the dog

[MidniteScribbler]

Remind the mother that he is nervous around dogs, and see what her reaction is. If she's a 'he'll get over it' sort, or if she's a 'we'll put the dog away and then see how he goes' type, then that would affect my response to the playdate.

I'm a dog owner (5 of them), and would always lock my dogs up when a child comes over, whether or not they are scared. Five dogs can be pretty overwhelming. If the child reacts well, then I may bring out one of my laid back girls and do a controlled meet and greet. I would be disappointed if the parent did not attempt to use the opportunity for a dog like mine (certified to go in to schools and hospitals) to help them work through their fear in a sensible and safe environment if the child expressed interest in meeting my dogs.

[HPsauciness]

Hopefully this might be a good opportunity for your son to get used to dogs. That said, I had a friend with two giant boxers as a child and I dreaded going to their house as the dogs teeth were my height (or that's how I saw it as a child).

That said, I think the idea that everyone who doesn't have a dog should train (as in paid training) to be around them is daft- great for those who have this experience and I completely see the value if you are nervous, but it is up to the owner of the dogs not to allow them to jump up, snap at or knock over children, all of which has happened to my children when out and about on the beach or in the park. My children love dogs and have been taught not to touch them without asking, but unfortunately they've had quite a few bad instances which has ended up putting them off dogs, so I'm not sure all encounters with dogs are reassuring.

I would tell them mum, and hope she is happy to let your son have a gradual introduction to the dog. One of my children who used to love dogs but got knocked down aggressively (aged about 7/8 so big) by a huge dog on the beach which then wouldn't leave her alone, has really started to love dogs again by hanging out with a little staffie cross (not sure what it is) and a bigger boxer. I would say though, that she goes round to her friends house a lot, so the exposure has been gradual and she has got more confident over time, so a one-off encounter with a large boxer may not be the solution or only part of the solution.

[BashBishBosh]

Thanks for all the replies and advice .

I saw the mum on the way back from school this morning and she asked if DS is ok for tonight .

Her dog (definately a boxer) , was bouncing around unleashed (I was walking back through woods) , and he didn't even so much as sniff me

He was going loopy but in a "I'm free, let's play !" Way

I mentioned to the mum that DS is very excited but he is very wary of dogs . She said no problem , she's pleased I mentioned it and she will keep the dog in a different room and out of DS way if needed .

I feel more relaxed after this . BUT I do have a feeling that DS friend is going to want to show DS his dog as he loves him .

I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - the mum is aware now and hopefully she will manage it well ..... gulp

[Micah]

Slightly different but I had a child round who was terrified of cats. Mum stayed for a bit, but did leave. When she came back the child was walking about with the cat slung over his shoulder.

Being around dogs for a bit might help him get used to them.

[Quodlibet]

Well done OP, sounds like you are handling it brilliantly.

[olliecollie]

Ive got 8 dogs some of them rescue
One of my daughters friends is scared of dogs.
His mum explained to me how scared he was so when he came round I had the dogs behind a baby gate, by the time he went home he was stroking the dogs .
Next time he came he even played ball in the garden with some of them.
His mum says it's lovely that his now got over his fear of dogs.

[vintagefiend]

"I hate people making out that wariness of dogs is ridiculous and unreasonable. Fear is not helpful, especially extreme fear, but children should be wary of dogs".

Totally agree- and I have a daughter who runs full pelt up to any and every dog which scares the shit out of me. Son is much more cautious, thank goodness.

So, YANBU OP and I'm glad you appear to have sorted it out- the mum sounds very reasonable.

[MidniteScribbler]

Boxers don't know how to walk. Their default is bounce, bounce, bounce lol. Funny dogs.

To be honest, Boxers are wonderful dogs, fantastic with kids, but not always the easiest of dogs to train, so the fact that this dog is so well mannered, able to be off lead without harassing people and other dogs, and the mother seems aware of dogs and their behaviour makes me think that it may be a good introduction to dogs for your son.

[OttiliaVonBCup]

I wouldn't go TBH.

Boxers are lovely but bouncy and completely bonkers, especially when young.

If you are not comport able around gods you will be even less comfortable around a young boxer.

Leave it some time to settle and then give it a try.

[AlpacaLypse]

All sounding good so far OP, hope your ds has a lovely time after school today!

[OttiliaVonBCup]

I missed your update.

Owner sounds lovely, gook luck with tonight.

[lardyscouse]

[We had had a few conversations on the subject, she had arrived at a fun event we do every year on a remote beach, and demanded that everyone who had dogs take them to the cars some three miles away and lock them up for the day mid summer, she was politely told to go off to dog free beaches (there are many) , none of the dogs had even got out of the water or even looked at her, she then proceeded to tell everyone her son was being excluded from everything because dogs.(he was never fussed when she wasn't around)....I did offer to help her....twoish years later she came round had a long chat, we went out with my dogs, she learnt to read them, learnt to use her body language,learnt to control a trained dog, learnt to control an untrained dog (about six weeks to be fairly good) forgot to be scared, I've had a steady trickle ever since and that was about sixteen years ago]

Quoteunquote. I'm going to be a bit cryptic here as I may be wrong but I think I 'know' you. (not in real life but elseboard). Its Posh here from mustardland.