Any dog owners around - AIBU?

[BashBishBosh]

Don't flame me please - I have a real fear of dogs after I was bitten when I was 4.

DS is 6; he is wary of dogs (I assure you this is not through me - we rarely encounter them).

DS has been invited to play at a friends house after school tomorrow . I know the parent as an aquaintance and she seems nice . I have had her DS over to play a few times .

The issue I have is , she has a dog . It's a rescue and I think is a young male boxer ; she hasn't had him very long - maybe about 5 or 6 months .

I don't know the dog so I don't know it's temperament. She does have three other children (for context of how the dog is) .

The mother knows my DS is scared wary of dogs as I have mentioned it .

My DS really wants to go to his friends house and he knows they have a dog . I also know when he sees the dog he will feel scared .

I feel really uncomfortable about this and I don't know if I'm being irrational.

Would you let your DC go?

[JennyBunn]

I have a very large dog who is as gentle as a lamb. I never lose sight of the fact that he is a dog though and keep him out of the way behind a folding gate when my kids have their friends round to play.

Whilst he is lovely in his nature, he's a clumsy bugger with no idea just how big he is and could very easily hurt a child without meaning to. Especially if the got him all excited and he started bounding around.

It may well be that the child's mother will keep her dog out of the way. I'd ask her though. I would never be offended by someone asking me to keep my dog out of the way of a child.

[FarrowandBallAche]

He's going to want a dog now. Just wait and see.

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

I'd let him go. Boxers are lovely! Energetic and enthusiastic but generally very gentle :)

I know it's not the done thing to say on MN, and I usually steer clear of dog threads because they make me so angry, but I think it's a really valuable life skill to be able to be comfortable around dogs. I don't understand why you'd allow a fear - which is likely to cause considerable distress if unmanaged over the course of a lifetime - to go unchecked when there are simple ways of resolving it. I'm not saying you have to get a dog, but you should allow your son to be around them so long as the dog's owner is responsible, kind and aware of his nerves.

[BashBishBosh]

Oh is it really ok to ask her to sit the dog away?

I'd be much happier with that (sorry dog lovers )

I don't know if I want to face my phobia . I have a scar across my cheekbone off where I was bitten by a German shepherd . I can't even look at those dogs now

[Quoteunquote]

I say this from a kind place.

This is an issue that will keep coming up again and again for you and DS. we rarely encounter them impressive but unless you live on Lundy it's not sustainable.

Dogs are expect reading behaviour, from the moment they are born they enter human world.

Because you were bitten as a child you have natural body language which tells every K9 that sets eyes on you that they need to pay extra special attention to you over and above anyone, basically you have a great big sign over your head saying Unpredictable amateur

and because you in turn are not an idiot, you are aware dogs are a possible hazard, your son has learnt from you however unintentionally.

This creates a vicious circle,

You need to find a trainer near you who does a desenctising program(usually free), when we do it (super poplar as we have a lot of new comers to rural area, who haven't released how life limiting being dog phobic was going to be)

We teach individuals to read dog language, and communicate with dogs using body language.

If I walk into a space with strange over excited/aggressive dogs they will go quite and submissive. Even the most laid back well trained dog has no choice but to totally focus on you.

It can be easily changed and you/DS will be in control of any dog near you.

A good trainer will be able to teach you very quickly,

I suggest you have a quite chat away from little ears with the mum, and explain that neither yourself or DS is dog literate yet(no shame, it's just another language), and could she show DS how to be around the dog, ask her to monitor it.

We have very simple rules when children who are not use to dogs come here that maybe you could talk to DS about, as my dogs are working dogs they are perfectly behaved, so it is easier

If a dog is in it's bed you don't touch it, talk to it, look at it. This because all dogs need a place to be undisturbed, they cannot tell you they have a headache.

Never pet a dog unless it's bums on the ground. This tells the dog if you are passive you get attention, everything else I ignore you.

Only touch a dog if you have asked the owner and then ask the dog, if it's tail is between it's legs the answers no.

I really hope you find someone to take you through this simple process and this obstacle is removed from life. We have had a 100% success rate, it really changes things for people. Most people go on to get a dog because they become very accomplitish dog trainers, as the process requires an actual understanding of dog psychology, a near by rescue centre has a core group all of which ended up there because they wanted to implement their new dog control skills.

You are not alone lots of people go through this and never do anything about it, it worth addressing to get rid of the unexpected anxiety around every corner, and because it can make you a target for a dangerous dog.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Id not ask him to be shut away before he's met him.
I would just say he's wary of dogs could a close eye be kept on the dog, any responsible dog owner would then remove the dog from the situation.

I do agree it's a lifeskill for your child to feel comfortable about dogs, and you getting so wound up about this will be rubbing off on him.

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

I would ask her to see how it goes :) she'll probably put the dog in a different room anyway if your son seems unhappy. Most dog owners would!

You don't have to face the phobia if you don't want to - I'm sorry you went through something so traumatic. But (and I say this as gently as possible) I think it would be kinder to your son to try to minimise passing it on to him.

[Wolfiefan]

I would talk to the owner. The best solution is for a managed introduction. Perhaps the dog is well walked before your child visits (so it's tired!), shut away when the child enters the house and then brought in on a lead.
I'm not suggesting you should ever get to the point of owning a dog but you do need to be able to walk past one when out with your kids without freaking out.
I'm not trying to be unsympathetic or unkind and I have never been bitten so I have no idea how bloody awful that was for you but you don't want your awful experience to scar your kids and make them scared. X

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Definitely let him go! Young boxers may be jumpy if not well trained (only ever in play, but I could be scary for a child), so have a word with the mum and see, I would expect they've worked on him not jumping up if they have kids anyway as even if their own kids don't mind, their friends might!

My best friend has a boxer who used to jump all over me when she was young but now I just get a gorgeous wiggle dance in greeting. But even she learned quickly not to jump on kids, and let my friends then toddler niece boss her about.

if I had someone coming who was scared of dogs, I'd make sure the dog was kept in another room when they arrived, and brought in calmly to say hello unless visitor objected. If I thought dog might get overexcited I'd keep it on a short lead and close to me so I could make it sit or lie down and calm down. Then let your son know how to act eg leave dog alone if he's in your bed, dog is a sucker for yoghurts so we only eat them in another room unless you want him slobbering on you, he thinks you crawling is wanting to play etc

If you're scared of dogs I would ask the other mum to give him to how to act around dogs talk, so your nerves don't come through

[AnotherNc]

Quoteunquote those training courses sound really good, how do you get onto them? Just googled and can't see any in my area only hypnotherapy for dog phobia!

I really relate to that anxiety around every corner. I cross the road if I see an unleashed dog. I break out in a cold sweat if I hear barking in the street. I avoid my local park. Dogs do seem to pay me extra attention, now I know why! I'd love to change this and avoid passing the fear onto my DS.

[asilverraindrop]

I have to say, as a vet and owner of multiple dogs, that I would not choose a boxer for the first introduction to dogs of a nervous 6 year old, not because they are not lovely dogs, by and large - they are - but because a boxer is usually bouncy and is going to be nearly as tall as the six year old, which for someone who is not familiar with dogs will be quite a challenging experience. Completely agree that being basically familiar with dogs is an important life skill that makes one much safer around them by reacting in a way they are comfortable with, but all other things being equal I'd suggest finding something much smaller and quieter for your son's first meeting - or at least explain your son's inexperience to the mum. But try not to worry!

[wallywobbles]

OK This is one of my pet hates, kids scared of dogs for no good reason. We have 2 dogs, they are far from perfect but they are not going to eat anyone. Why should they be shut up because your DS has an irrational fear (and it is irrational - he's never experienced anything apart from you to make him afraid).

I will put up with a couple of visits from a child where the dogs have to be shut up, but after that the kid has to put up with it or not come. Just to clarify - our stays are almost always overnight.

Dogs are so enriching for kids - why do you want to deny the experience to your DS. Boxers IME adore kids. Placid they are not, but kid friendly they most certainly are.

Talk to the mum, and hopefully she will be more tolerant than me.

[MissingLynx]

You should talk to the mum and explain your situation. I have 2 bichons who are lovely but very bouncy, we also have a jackadoodle who is very old, grumpy and hates children touching her, we put them all in the kitchen when we have visitors. Funnily enough though the older dog who normally hates children took a shine to a 8 year old who is terrified of dogs and to this day she is still the only dog this child has ever petted

[Lurkedforever1]

I've had more than one parent remind me their child is scared of dogs before coming here. It's really not a problem, I've always had dogs trained well enough to keep their distance if I ask them. I'm also quite happy to sit/stand by a dog if a nervous child still wouldn't cross the room. And I usually find even the most scared kid ends up absolutely fine with ours, with a bit of effort. Exception was the pfb of some loons who lost their rag when they found out their dd had been in the same room as a dog, and continually reinforced their own stupid ideas on her. Like run screaming if you think you see one on the horizon.

I would also never ever leave anyone elses child closer to a dog than I was, unless I know them very very well. Because I don't trust unknown kids not to do something either thoughtless or cruel. And I don't want animals treated that way, or any dog of mine being in the position it's blamed for growling because someone's child finds it amusing to poke it's eyes or kick it.

[Quoteunquote]

AnotherNic

I grew up in household with working dogs, I've always trained dogs for purpose alongside my proper job,

I first had a mother come to me, after she and family had turned up at various group event and left because they couldn't handle dogs being there, after a few years of finding they couldn't join in anything, and no one going to leave their dogs home all day while at a beach or walking the moors.

We had had a few conversations on the subject, she had arrived at a fun event we do every year on a remote beach, and demanded that everyone who had dogs take them to the cars some three miles away and lock them up for the day mid summer, she was politely told to go off to dog free beaches (there are many) , none of the dogs had even got out of the water or even looked at her, she then proceeded to tell everyone her son was being excluded from everything because dogs.(he was never fussed when she wasn't around)....I did offer to help her....twoish years later she came round had a long chat, we went out with my dogs, she learnt to read them, learnt to use her body language,learnt to control a trained dog, learnt to control an untrained dog (about six weeks to be fairly good) forgot to be scared, I've had a steady trickle ever since and that was about sixteen years ago

The one thing dogs are not, is unpredictable, once you can read them it's very easy to know what they are going to do even before they do, therefore you can control them, they all want to serve anyway that is their greatest wish.

Honestly any decent working dog trainer will be very happy to have a ghost(anyone who is there to watch and learn) all the good ones want to spread best practice, ask at your local decent vets, they will know who is a proper trainer, and ring and ask,

Our local animal centre has a whole pack very enthusiastic knowledgeable people who always need help and will happily teach.

[maybebabybee]

I agree with Wally, though perhaps in a less harsh way.

[ShamefulPlaceMarker]

I have a dog but would be wary in your situation. As I don't know the dog or how the owners respect it's boundaries.
My dog comes on the school run every day so all of my ds friends and parents have met him and like him.
I also reassure parents that he will be in andifferent to the kids (usually locked in my room asleep in the bed). Has she reassured you? That's the bit that would worry me

[JolseBaby]

I kind of agree with Wally - in that I would not be willing to continually shut my dogs away. They are members of my household and TBH I prefer their company to most peoples!

However if someone visits me and says that they are nervous of dogs, then I will happily close them in a different room for at least their first visit. Quite often people are willing to 'meet' them once they see how soft and friendly they are and we've always had a positive outcome from that. I've put them on the lead before which helps from a psychological perspective.

However if someone was a repeated visitor to my house then they would need to accept that they are going to encounter the dogs. If that was going to remain a problem for them, then we would need to agree to meet elsewhere.

In your shoes I would talk to the Mum and explain that your DS is nervous around dogs, so that she knows and can decide whether she needs to take any action or not.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I would let him go.

I wouldn't shut my dogs "away" so my child's friend could come to play, nor would leave them unsupervised together.

[TitClash]

Let him go, it will do him good to see the other kids relax around the dog. And tell the other Mum so she can guide him how to behave.

I grew up with Boxers, they'll probably lick him to death bits.

[Anomaly]

We have two very friendly shih tzus (small, fluffy and cute) and we have to put them away for all my kids mates. In fact my kids do it and are completely aware that not everyone likes dogs. So I doubt the mum will mind or be surprised.

We had a boxer and lovely as she was I know in her younger days she would have been a bit boisterous even for my lot and they all love dogs.

[Broken1Girl]

This could either be really helpful to your DS to alleviate his fear of dogs if it goes well, or make it worse - if the dog for example jumps up at him, and also if the mum makes this worse if he gets upset by invalidating this, 'don't be so silly MiniBash'.
I would talk to the mum. If it was me her reaction would determine whether I let him go. 'Aw what do you mean, he's harmless' = no. 'This is what I will do to make DS comfortable' = yes.

[Quodlibet]

There are a few issues here. I can understand your fear, but as others have said, it's important you don't let it project into your child.

People who rarely have contact with dogs, who don't understand dog body language and who freak out around dogs are more likely to get bitten than those who are comfortable and confident around them. So by limiting your child's access to dogs you aren't doing him any favours. He needs to learn how to live in a world which has dogs in it. It's like not teaching him to swim because you are scared of water and just hoping he never falls in the sea.

This opportunity - to visit a friend who has a friendly, child-safe dog - is a great chance for him to learn to start being more confident around dogs. Any good rescue wouldn't rehome a dog to a home with three children in without being very confident of its temperament after careful, professional assessment, and one would assume that the child's mother has also made careful assessment.

It's a good idea to let her know that your son is wary of dogs and may be frightened, as it gives her a heads-up and lets her manage the contact at a pace that keeps your child comfortable. But ultimately, being around three other children who are used to interacting with dogs and watching/learning how they behave will be really good for him.

My cousin has a staffy/boxer cross from a rescue, and he is possibly the most bomb-proof dog with children that I've ever met. We have large family gatherings with lots of small children of all ages and he is brilliant with them - will lie down next to a baby and let them play with his ears if they want to, never licks the children, calm, reliable, tolerant. It goes without saying that as a reliable owner, by cousin still closely supervises all contact between her dog and the kids to make sure all are safe and happy.

[ChubbyPolecat]

Boxers are not placid by any means they are eternal puppies. They are, generally speaking, sweet friendly clowns. Not sure I'd let my nervous 6 year old meet a boxer without pre warning the friends mum