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AIBU?

Mum, 92

40 replies

Majik · 30/01/2016 22:17

How do people cope with an elderly mother? I love her but am beginning to resent the amount of time I spend with her and then hate myself for that. I'm retired now and sometimes feel my life is slipping by and that I can't do the stuff I wanted to do because of her - and then I feel terrible for thinking it :( I have two brothers who live away, and a dd with a life of her own, so not much respite. Would appreciate words of wisdom please!

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Curioushorse · 30/01/2016 23:30

Your two brothers have to step up. If they're not able to be there to help out physically, then they need to pay for help. It is a massive burden for you.

We've sent our parents away this week because they desperately need a break (caring for grandmother). We do have to work and so can't help, but because they're retired they feel that they should do it all themselves. It's exhausting.

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FunnysInLaJardin · 30/01/2016 23:48

with difficulty! My mum is 88 and Dad is nearly 91, he is housebound with dementia and she is determined. She broke her hip in September and the arguments about having carers in were something else. All rather pantomime really 'oh yes you are, oh no I'm not etc'

Anyhow it all seems to have settled down for now...

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Peevedquitter · 30/01/2016 23:51

One of my sisters has moved in with our Mother who is 90 this year. Mother is physically disabled but is still as sharp as a tack. She has had four major heart attacks, the first one was 35 years ago.

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ADishBestEatenCold · 30/01/2016 23:52

Maybe we need China's legislation ... so all adult children take a turn.

//www.bustle.com/articles/1202-in-china-elderly-rights-law-makes-it-illegal-not-to-visit-your-parents

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lorelei9 · 31/01/2016 00:01

ADish, that legislation annoys me, the parents selfishly had us, not the other way round. ugh humanity. (No I don't have kids).

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AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 00:01

You have my sincere empathy! My mum is 93 and has dementia. She's in an assisted care facility but I visit her every other day. Even though she has care, I still like to feel as if my 'hands are on the reins', iyswim. She was recently approved for 'dementia hospice care' which will provide her with a personal health aide twice a week which will relieve me a bit.

But I think the biggest difference is that I have a DB who also lives nearby. He actually lived with her and was her primary carer until her dementia got to the point where it wasn't safe for her to live at home. He's retired but works part time and sees her quite often. We can 'tag-team' each other for holidays or a few days of 'me time'. Exactly how far do your brothers live from your mum? Because there's a lot they can do if they're only a couple of hours away.

Do you have a DH/DP? Although my DH isn't involved directly with Mum's care, he does lessen my 'burden' at home so I'm not doing double duty. And my sons have also helped a bit by visiting their grandmother and delivering things to the home for her. Are you sure your DD wouldn't be able or willing to pitch in just a bit?

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AvaLeStrange · 31/01/2016 00:18

Do you have anyone around that you can let off steam to?

Ironically the 2 friends that are most supportive of me and willing to listen to my frustrations are the ones who no longer have their parents. One did care for hers prior to them passing away when she was in her late twenties, the other lost her surviving parent a couple of years ago, but she has known my mum forever so understands how tricky things can be!

I also started a blog at the beginning of the year to have a bit of a rant, but also have record of how things pan out. I've been so busy with mum for the last few weeks though I've only had time to write one post

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florentina1 · 31/01/2016 01:09

Oh I feel your pain. Do you think I will never be free.

My mum, with whom I had a poor relationship, died last year. I am still not free. She was 93 but her husband is 85 and very severely disabled. He takes up so much of my time, and causes me so much stress. Seems like as soon as the children are independent we are tied to the old ones.

Is so hard especially when they are so ungrateful and , in my case bloody rude.

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AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 04:30

florentina We're the 'sandwich generation'. Caught between raising our children and then caring for our elderly, often at the same time.

My parents were wonderful, so there isn't any resentment for me. But there is a feeling of being 'tied down' like when your children are young. I just can't imagine how hard it must be to be shouldering that burden without the legacy of love to carry you through. You are to be admired.

Not trying to stick my beak in, but doesn't your late mother's husband have his own children to care for him?

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florentina1 · 31/01/2016 10:17

No he has no family. My mum was widowed at 50. She married him a few years after. The thing is, in my heart I am grateful to him. He was 7 years younger than her. He had looked after his disable mum, and never married. He met my mum just after his own mum died.

She was married to him for almost 40 years he was such a good husband to her. He took such a big burden from me because I have never been able to stand up to her.

He has always been pig-headed and obstinate. Thinks women should be silent (except my mum). When he first came out of hospital 5 years ago after an amputation, lots of people helped him. Neighbours, my cousins, my sons and daughter, and people from the British Legion. His attitude meant that within 6 months everyone had left him to it.

He blames the GP for losing his leg. The truth was for months and months health care professionals were telling him to get his foot checked. Of course he knew best. A distric nurse called us one night saying, he is refusing an ambulance and if he does not go to he will die. It took a midnight dash from us and the paramedic telling him before he would agree to go. I swear if the paramedic had been female, he would not have listened. "Womem make such a fuss about everything'

So sorry Majik, did not mean to,hijack your thread. As always MN allows me an outlet to say things I can't say elsewhere.

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Majik · 31/01/2016 15:29

Have to say I am very thankful for all messages. Some have been so lovely and supportive they've helped by making me smile; others while still warm have meant I have to take a hard look at my situation and think about how I can manage. I will report back later. Thank you all for your time in responding - needed to vent a bit, I think. Sometimes you just get low. I know I have a huge amount to be thankful for and mostly I am. Hugs and flowers to all in similar positions.

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Majik · 31/01/2016 15:32

Florentina I don't feel hijacked :) Your situation seems worse than mine so you have my sympathy. I do have two DBs but one has his own issues with a partner with lots of health issues. Finding the support will be a priority.

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AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 20:12

florentina I'm lucky in that my mum has always been pretty easy going. We used to joke that I'd become the parent and she the child. But the time came when I did have to act the parent. It's pretty painful to say to your parent "I said I'm taking you to the doctor and that's all there is to it. Now you get in that car!". Sigh.

Malik getting whatever support you can is primary. Please don't be afraid to ask for it.

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TitClash · 31/01/2016 20:21

Can you get together with other people around you in a similar position?

Given that Day Care, Meals on Wheels, Home Helps and the like are considered to be such a burden on the poor tax payer now that they no longer exist.

There is Age Concern, and local church groups also do meals and day care.

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no73 · 31/01/2016 20:26

Have you accessed all the help you can? have you spoke to "help the aged'? have you spoken to the district nurses? does she have a call bell (an alarm that will hang round her neck in case she falls) which may make you feel less anxious about leaving her.

What is it that you want to do that you feel that you can't? Have you looked into respite care? Volunteers that can go sit with her daily if you want to get away. There are some decent frozen meal companies that deliver nowadays.

Caring for some elderly is hard and very time consuming and emotionally draining plus the guilt on top because you feel resentful. I think people leave stuff that they really want to do until they retire and then are faced with looking after an elderly relative which stops it and makes people massively resentful. I'd be asking you brothers to contribute towards some paid carers to help you and lesson the burden and guilt.