Mum, 92

[Majik]

How do people cope with an elderly mother? I love her but am beginning to resent the amount of time I spend with her and then hate myself for that. I'm retired now and sometimes feel my life is slipping by and that I can't do the stuff I wanted to do because of her - and then I feel terrible for thinking it :( I have two brothers who live away, and a dd with a life of her own, so not much respite. Would appreciate words of wisdom please!

[no73]

Have you accessed all the help you can? have you spoke to "help the aged'? have you spoken to the district nurses? does she have a call bell (an alarm that will hang round her neck in case she falls) which may make you feel less anxious about leaving her.

What is it that you want to do that you feel that you can't? Have you looked into respite care? Volunteers that can go sit with her daily if you want to get away. There are some decent frozen meal companies that deliver nowadays.

Caring for some elderly is hard and very time consuming and emotionally draining plus the guilt on top because you feel resentful. I think people leave stuff that they really want to do until they retire and then are faced with looking after an elderly relative which stops it and makes people massively resentful. I'd be asking you brothers to contribute towards some paid carers to help you and lesson the burden and guilt.

[TitClash]

Can you get together with other people around you in a similar position?

Given that Day Care, Meals on Wheels, Home Helps and the like are considered to be such a burden on the poor tax payer now that they no longer exist.

There is Age Concern, and local church groups also do meals and day care.

[AcrossthePond55]

florentina I'm lucky in that my mum has always been pretty easy going. We used to joke that I'd become the parent and she the child. But the time came when I did have to act the parent. It's pretty painful to say to your parent "I said I'm taking you to the doctor and that's all there is to it. Now you get in that car!". Sigh.

Malik getting whatever support you can is primary. Please don't be afraid to ask for it.

[Majik]

Florentina I don't feel hijacked :) Your situation seems worse than mine so you have my sympathy. I do have two DBs but one has his own issues with a partner with lots of health issues. Finding the support will be a priority.

[Majik]

Have to say I am very thankful for all messages. Some have been so lovely and supportive they've helped by making me smile; others while still warm have meant I have to take a hard look at my situation and think about how I can manage. I will report back later. Thank you all for your time in responding - needed to vent a bit, I think. Sometimes you just get low. I know I have a huge amount to be thankful for and mostly I am. Hugs and flowers to all in similar positions.

[florentina1]

No he has no family. My mum was widowed at 50. She married him a few years after. The thing is, in my heart I am grateful to him. He was 7 years younger than her. He had looked after his disable mum, and never married. He met my mum just after his own mum died.

She was married to him for almost 40 years he was such a good husband to her. He took such a big burden from me because I have never been able to stand up to her.

He has always been pig-headed and obstinate. Thinks women should be silent (except my mum). When he first came out of hospital 5 years ago after an amputation, lots of people helped him. Neighbours, my cousins, my sons and daughter, and people from the British Legion. His attitude meant that within 6 months everyone had left him to it.

He blames the GP for losing his leg. The truth was for months and months health care professionals were telling him to get his foot checked. Of course he knew best. A distric nurse called us one night saying, he is refusing an ambulance and if he does not go to he will die. It took a midnight dash from us and the paramedic telling him before he would agree to go. I swear if the paramedic had been female, he would not have listened. "Womem make such a fuss about everything'

So sorry Majik, did not mean to,hijack your thread. As always MN allows me an outlet to say things I can't say elsewhere.

[AcrossthePond55]

florentina We're the 'sandwich generation'. Caught between raising our children and then caring for our elderly, often at the same time.

My parents were wonderful, so there isn't any resentment for me. But there is a feeling of being 'tied down' like when your children are young. I just can't imagine how hard it must be to be shouldering that burden without the legacy of love to carry you through. You are to be admired.

Not trying to stick my beak in, but doesn't your late mother's husband have his own children to care for him?

[florentina1]

Oh I feel your pain. Do you think I will never be free.

My mum, with whom I had a poor relationship, died last year. I am still not free. She was 93 but her husband is 85 and very severely disabled. He takes up so much of my time, and causes me so much stress. Seems like as soon as the children are independent we are tied to the old ones.

Is so hard especially when they are so ungrateful and , in my case bloody rude.

[AvaLeStrange]

Do you have anyone around that you can let off steam to?

Ironically the 2 friends that are most supportive of me and willing to listen to my frustrations are the ones who no longer have their parents. One did care for hers prior to them passing away when she was in her late twenties, the other lost her surviving parent a couple of years ago, but she has known my mum forever so understands how tricky things can be!

I also started a blog at the beginning of the year to have a bit of a rant, but also have record of how things pan out. I've been so busy with mum for the last few weeks though I've only had time to write one post

[AcrossthePond55]

You have my sincere empathy! My mum is 93 and has dementia. She's in an assisted care facility but I visit her every other day. Even though she has care, I still like to feel as if my 'hands are on the reins', iyswim. She was recently approved for 'dementia hospice care' which will provide her with a personal health aide twice a week which will relieve me a bit.

But I think the biggest difference is that I have a DB who also lives nearby. He actually lived with her and was her primary carer until her dementia got to the point where it wasn't safe for her to live at home. He's retired but works part time and sees her quite often. We can 'tag-team' each other for holidays or a few days of 'me time'. Exactly how far do your brothers live from your mum? Because there's a lot they can do if they're only a couple of hours away.

Do you have a DH/DP? Although my DH isn't involved directly with Mum's care, he does lessen my 'burden' at home so I'm not doing double duty. And my sons have also helped a bit by visiting their grandmother and delivering things to the home for her. Are you sure your DD wouldn't be able or willing to pitch in just a bit?

[lorelei9]

ADish, that legislation annoys me, the parents selfishly had us, not the other way round. ugh humanity. (No I don't have kids).

[ADishBestEatenCold]

Maybe we need China's legislation ... so all adult children take a turn.

//www.bustle.com/articles/1202-in-china-elderly-rights-law-makes-it-illegal-not-to-visit-your-parents

[Peevedquitter]

One of my sisters has moved in with our Mother who is 90 this year. Mother is physically disabled but is still as sharp as a tack. She has had four major heart attacks, the first one was 35 years ago.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

with difficulty! My mum is 88 and Dad is nearly 91, he is housebound with dementia and she is determined. She broke her hip in September and the arguments about having carers in were something else. All rather pantomime really 'oh yes you are, oh no I'm not etc'

Anyhow it all seems to have settled down for now...

[Curioushorse]

Your two brothers have to step up. If they're not able to be there to help out physically, then they need to pay for help. It is a massive burden for you.

We've sent our parents away this week because they desperately need a break (caring for grandmother). We do have to work and so can't help, but because they're retired they feel that they should do it all themselves. It's exhausting.

[lorelei9]

OP, my parents are late 70s with health issues that have been going on for years

All I can say is, I already feel,your frustration, I've had many days when I feel like certain things can't happen because of them

In the end I think it's my choice though, I turned down offers to work abroad etc, they would not have blamed me if I had but I chose not to so I have to take responsibility for that. Would your mum be cross if you spent less time with her? It sounds like you need some time to enjoy yourself.

I have a colleague in a similar position and she bluntly says (of her folks) "oh well, they can't live forever". It surprised me at first but there's probably a few people who feel like that about their folks. I don't, but if they got as far as 90 I sense I might

[NorthernLurker]

I am becoming increasingly anxious about my mum who is in her late sixties and is caring for her mum (94 this year) and her aunt (93 this year). Both living in their own homes. Both fairly well, mobility a bit dodgy especially for aunt, memory lapsing a bit but not incapable of living alone, but still there is a huge amount to do. Hospital and doctor appointments, dentist, she is trying to sort out power of attorney for her mum. They have a cleaner but particularly aunt are very resistant to getting any other help because they expect my mum to do it! She has a sister but she lives away as do I and my sister who lives close has a full and busy life and quite rightly my mum doesn't want her to be tied by this. If I lived closer I could do a bit but I work full time and have three kids so have v little time. I'm thinking I may need to intervene to support mum though and insist they get some more paid help.

[Dreamonastar]

I know two sisters who share care for their elderly mum with dementia with full time support from personal assistants and carers from an agency, and don't have to pay a penny of their own money towards it; I also know people who have only outlived their own elderly parents by a few years as the strain of looking after them caused them so much harm.

It is incredibly difficult but no two cases are the same, that I do know, which is why you can never say someone else's position is fortunate.

[PurpleWithRed]

What exactly are you having to do for your mum? I do understand that even if you're not having to do much that's physical it's still a strain taking on the responsibility for an elderly parent. I'm doing that at the moment, and I know I'm lucky in my mum's attitude and health and have a lot of support myself, but it's still a bit hard.

[AvaLeStrange]

I'm an only child and tbh it does add an extra layer of 'bucks stops with me...' pressure, but the upside is that there are no arguments to be had about any action that needs to be taken, and I know plenty of people who have siblings that are bugger all use wrt caring for elderly parents.

No-one is saying they have it harder, it's just the same experience from a slightly different perspective.

I'm very fortunate that my dad's still around, mum is physically capable if not particularly well and only in seventies. I'm sure that makes people in worse circumstances go , but they won't have first hand experience of trying to get a deaf, anxious, hospital phobic, elderly control freak into hospital for a procedure involving sedation, tubes in unfortunate places, cannulas/blood tests (the anxiety makes her already poor veins close down almost completely) and enclosed spaces (did I mention the claustrophobia).

That said I'm very grateful that I haven't yet had to deal with bodily functions by the skin of my teeth or dementia notwithstanding the pending appt with the memory clinic so who knows

[Dreamonastar]

Not wanting to start a bunfight but people pouncing to state that they are envious of the OPs position because they are an only child/have a dead mother really ARE unhelpful. At least I was sympathetic!

[BlueJug]

Paid care has made the difference to me. I had two very hard years - and the resentment built up. Th effect on my health and finances was huge.

Then Mum went into hospital - stayed several weeks - dementia became very evident so hospital refused to discharge without a care package in place. Mum refused, insisted she was fine - but didn't really have the choice. It also brought my brothers into the picture and they finally recognised how much she was struggling and how hard it was for me.

I have a wonderful nursing care service. They pop in every day. They prompt Mum with medication and have a chat, they tell me if she is unwell or having problems. If she leaves the phone off the hook I can call them and they'll check on her. If she has a hospital appointment they can take her. I still phone every day, I still have to sort everything out, I still visit weekly - but it is not the same. It is not cheap but Mum is paying. It was costing me a fortune in shopping and petrol and time off work so this is actually cheaper.

Good luck OP - it is a very hard thing to do.

[Corygal1]

Sympathies - it ain't easy, and it ain't rewarding in the way any other caring can be.

Eldercare is often said to be the opposite of childcare in all the ways that matter - that makes it hard. The most important thing that every expert agrees on is the one thing carers don't do - look after themselves. Get some help, get some time out, and get something nice into your own life as a matter of priority. If I sound tough, I am - saving yourself matters, not least to your mum.

[greenfolder]

Sort out what you can do and are willing to do. What do you want to do with your retirement? When are you going on holiday this year? Are your brothers retired? Do you or mum have funds to pay for care? Make yourself less available. Be ruthless with adult social services about your mums needs.

[Lweji]

Well, some of these replies are helpful FWIW, OP, I don't envy you. It sounds really, really hard flowers

This one winning the prize for the least helpful.