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AIBU?

About telling a friend to pay up.

88 replies

LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 09:43

I have a 'friend' who has a sort of craft business. First she had a family member work for her and there were problems with payment. So then after that didn't work out she got a parent at the school to work for her. They haven't got pain either, despite a loan which was being waiting on being sorted out.

This friend has been quite demanding and manipulative over the years so I have kind of let go. Yesterday I was cross about the way she treats people and worried about the parent at school who says they might not be able to afford the mortgage this month unless they get the several thousand pounds owed. I sent a text to the 'friend' owing the money yesterday. I said "I saw X, hear you owe them X. Hope you can pay them soon as they might not be able to afford the mortgage this month" I get a reply later saying they are sorting it out.

At the school pick up, I meet the parent owed the money. They are cross with me. Say they can't believe I did that, they had had a call from the 'friend' which seems not to have gone well. I have caused lots more problems now.

Oh dear. I still think I did the right thing, but I guess I should have stayed out of this mess....what do you think?

OP posts:

Report

SaucyJack · 27/01/2016 10:53

For you OP

About telling a friend to pay up.

LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 10:54

Haha! Thanks

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 27/01/2016 10:56

If a friend of mine was being done out of several thousand pounds I'd be furious too even if it was none of my business. But you shouldn't have sent the text without asking your friend first if she wanted you to. But who will be the next victim to do work and not be paid. Why is it OK to do wrong but not OK to protest about it. Seems to be getting a bit of a trend on MN these days.

Pseudo341 · 27/01/2016 10:58

I think I'd apologise to the guy who's owed the money and explain that you thought you were helping but realize you overstepped the mark. I wouldn't apologise to the woman though, you're well shot of her. Don't stress over it, everybody makes mistake sometimes and you obviously had good intentions.

RudeElf · 27/01/2016 11:01

Why is it OK to do wrong but not OK to protest about it. Seems to be getting a bit of a trend on MN these days.

No-one has said the friend was ok not yo pay what she owes! And its okay to protest when it is your business. This wasnt Op's business and she wasnt protesting, she was involving herself where she hadnt been asked to. It was an unwelcome intrusion on the matter.

LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 11:02

Yes I think that might be a plan. To say sorry to the dad at the school and say I was honestly trying to help, but I should have asked or let him so it himself. He told me she has done this to many others too. Just seems to get away with treating everyone like shit (well being all lovely and charismatic then it's Oh, you couldn't, or oh, you wouldn't along with a dramatic take of woe...) She has hurt so many people. I have never met anyone like it before.

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Katenka · 27/01/2016 11:03

If I were you OP, I would think about why I did this?

He didn't want or ask for your help.

You admitted that you did it to be the hero, have an agenda and have poor boundary.

So it wasn't good intentions. Acting with an agenda will get you into trouble and maybe you should address it

LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 11:03

I should have told her when it was my family she owed, but at the time she strung me a sob story and I didn't. I guess it had just all built up over the years. Too many times.

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LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 11:06

Honestly, probably my main reason was I was angry at how she had treated people over the years including me and family and this shocked me the amount of money and it being this kind dad at school. I thought it might bring it into the open how she had behaved and possibly even prompt her into paying him, as I know she has various people / organisations she owes money and I wanted him to get his share before she is made redundant, as it seems that might be the way things are going.

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LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 11:07

Bit I don't think it was 'an agenda' to me that suggests manipulation of some kind. i had no intention of getting anything in return. (apart from maybe the dad his cash)

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AnthonyPandy · 27/01/2016 11:09

I know someone who would have done exactly the same as the OP and these two:-

You are codependent with poor boundaries and don't understand that adults need to be left to work things out for themselves and

Wanted to be the rescuer/hero & get the kudos for that

are exactly right.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 27/01/2016 11:10

Honestly, probably my main reason was I was angry at how she had treated people over the years including me and family and this shocked me the amount of money and it being this kind dad at school.

So you clearly admit that your main problem is how angry you were over a previous situation so that's what made this an agenda for you. And you did manipulate the situation because you used it to vent about previous issues. You need to apologize to the dad. You overstepped the boundary here.

ChampaleSocialist · 27/01/2016 11:15

So are we not allowed to say anything when people treat other people like shit?
Why did it come back on the person that was owed the money and not you?

I'd stay out of it now, but you are allowed to have an opinion on other peoples behaviour.

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/01/2016 11:19

I didn't realise you were asking on behalf of a man. IME (massive sweeping generalisation here) men get more offended than women if you do something 'on their behalf' because it's a knock to their male pride to imply that they can't sort it out themselves. Women, while still not being too happy about it, are more likely to acknowledge that there was kindness in the gesture. Just my experience, this is not a universal truth.

I'm inclined to forgive naive mistakes op, I have made plenty of them myself!

May I ask, are you from Britain? There is more of a 'keep out of other people's business' approach here than in some other countries, which could be partly responsible for why you got this situation wrong.

LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 11:21

Update I think I have the dad's number and texted him to apologise, I said I'm sorry it wasn't my place to send X a msg yesterday and I should have asked you first. I thought it might help but obviously not" he replied to say thank you, he appreciates it and let's put it in the past.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 27/01/2016 11:43

Good move op, that was the right thing to do I think

LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 11:51

Thanks for the comments about men I hadn't thought of that. There we go I'll try and put it behind me now. I have noticed that she seems to like people when they are nice to her and doing stuff for her but otherwise she ignores or rages at them. It is no excuse to not pay up and I hope he can get the money back as they only have a verbal contract. I thought about maybe suggesting he contact acas. He has never met anyone like this either.

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Bailey101 · 27/01/2016 12:02

Does anyone remember the thread about the woman who had a craft/wedding business and she had a friend working for her who was owed money and wanted to see her books? Could this be the 'other side' of the story coming to light?

ReginaBlitz · 27/01/2016 12:12

Keep your beak out next time!

LagunaBubbles · 27/01/2016 12:19

If that friend did not want your help she should have kept that problem to herself!

You have a rather odd view of friendship then by the sounds of it if you think talking about problems with friends immediately equals asking for their help - without them actually asking for help!

redexpat · 27/01/2016 12:35

Bailey that thought crossed my mind too.

wotoodoo · 27/01/2016 12:36

I draw a distinction about a little gripe over something and a major issue such as fraud which would lead to failing to pay your mortgage which would then result in a blacklisting from the bank and then credit score damage!

Bit like the difference between a dirty stare and being actually stabbed don't you think?

Either way, Rude et al, you wouldn't come to me with your bitching thank goodness

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LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 16:10

I was always taught not to say anything about someone you wouldn't say out loud to their face.

I think this is good advice, generally.

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LovelyBath · 27/01/2016 16:18

Also, not to tolerate being treated like rubbish, or it happening to other people. Not to just sit back and watch

Anyway, that's my last words on the matter.

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Waltermittythesequel · 27/01/2016 16:42

What you did doesn't make you a hero though, sticking up for those who can't do it for themselves. It makes you an interfering busybody!

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