to not know whether to try and find out if DD has Aspergers or is just a bit eccentric?

[Fortful]

I really don't want to cause offence, and am putting this here rather than in SN so I get a broad range of opinions.

So DD2 has just turned 14. Doing well at school, plays a sport (individual), is generally pretty calm, few teenage outbursts, loves her dog (more than her big sister I suspect!).

DD finds the social aspect of school hard, not only at lunch and break, but finding people to work with in class - the other girls often annoy her by being silly, or say unkind things to her. She has been bullied. She isn't into her appearance - at all. She looks fine, just no make up, minimal hair brushing, standard uniform (doesn't roll her skirt or blazer sleeves!). She just isn't interested in typical teen stuff like boys, bands, parties, instagram. DD1 was more typical in this way - had a gang of friends at school, lots of sleepevers, social media etc.

She is also quite shy. She will chat with people she knows well, but it can be somewhat one-sided, she doesn't remember to ask other people questions about themselves. She hates speaking on the phone, and talking to people in shops etc. To me it looks like she is just acutely self conscious. I guess other people would say she is socially awkward.

She has a few things that she is really 'into'. Nerdy things, but they make her happy. She has a couple of people she sees out of school that are also in to these things, so she meets up with them infrequently. She doesn't seem to feel the need to go and see friends. Once a fortnight she might, otherwise she is happy at home.

She is clumsy, quite often very unaware of what is going on around her, finds it hard to think under pressure, or remember verbal instructions (though she is very bright - top sets at school - all girls school btw, her choice). Her hearing and sight are fine.

She did see a school counsellor because she felt unhappy at school, and she does get anxious about the future - because she is bright she sees how hard it is for young people and worries about debt, university, affording somewhere to live. She is quite a serious person. This anxiety isn't constant at a high level, but she is pretty introspective and ruminates.

I have heard her peers describe her as 'weird'. Her older sister has also called her that. One teacher asked if she had a diagnosis of anything. Other teachers say either she is lovely and contributes well, or is quiet, depending on the subject.

So, where does socially awkward end, and being on the spectrum start? I really don't know if she has anything diagnosable, or whether she is just a shy and serious teen. I know from a friend who does admin in a teen mental health team that trying to get a diagnosis takes ages, and you have to be very high need to get seen, so is it worth trying even? If she has Aspergers, would having that confirmed make a difference? She knows she is different from her peers anyway, and might see a diagnosis as constraining what she is capable of rather than explaining her differences.

[Emochild]

You will struggle to even get her assessed through Camhs

Dd was diagnosed last year but it took total school refusal, developing agoraphobia, severe aggression and stopping eating to get Camhs to agree to see her -who then quickly diagnosed aspergers with demand avoidant tendencies

Diagnosis has made a difference to the family but we are a long way from recovering her mental health

I would say if you are concerned it is for a reason -you know your daughter
But you may have to be prepared to pursue it privately

[DustyMaiden]

I had the same dilemma, couldn't decide if I should get a diagnosis. My DS is very well behaved, affectionate and extremely intelligent. He lacks social skills and is very logical. He does have anxiety especially if routines are changed.

After discussions with school, cahms and a pediatrician it was decided that he would have CBT and counselling to address his issues and not the diagnosis.

After the counselling it has been decided that he should be fully assessed as they believe a diagnoses would be positive.


What I am trying to say is it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[Fortful]

Thanks all. Very interesting debate. I'm very grateful for those of you who have taken the time to post so thoughfully. I'm still undecided, but lots of food for though, inc the comments on dyspraxia.

I have asked DD about going for assessment, by the way. She said 'it might be interesting' to find out if she was on the spectrum, and I have raised it once since then , but she's not asked me to do anything, nor mentioned it to me.

She doesn't want to be like a typical teen, it is too alien to her. However, I know she would like to feel more at ease with the world, but is that just shyness or something else?!

Re having friends - she enjoys spending time with them (pref one on one), and would be sad if she never saw them. She just doesn't feel the need to do so very much. She definitely isn't anxious around her friends, but is maybe in big groups like at school.

Quick couple of responses - re my comment about the dog/her sister - mellojello. It was lighthearted. DD does love animals, but she also gets on fine with her sister. They are just different is all. No terrible pathology there I'm afraid!

saoirse - that comment was rude. DD does not disappoint me. I described her interests as nerdy, as that is how she describes them. I was trying to give a picture of DDs difficulties in my post, to get other peoples' views. However, we have a great relationship, she feels my unconditional love and will talk to me about anything.

I am asking the question about Aspergers because I want her to feel the best she can about herself. And fwiw, she is a lot like me (no diagnosis, but have often wondered...).

Thanks again everyone

[figureofspeech]

Have a look at this website about children mental health well being.

www.youngminds.org.uk