I really don't want to cause offence, and am putting this here rather than in SN so I get a broad range of opinions.
So DD2 has just turned 14. Doing well at school, plays a sport (individual), is generally pretty calm, few teenage outbursts, loves her dog (more than her big sister I suspect!).
DD finds the social aspect of school hard, not only at lunch and break, but finding people to work with in class - the other girls often annoy her by being silly, or say unkind things to her. She has been bullied. She isn't into her appearance - at all. She looks fine, just no make up, minimal hair brushing, standard uniform (doesn't roll her skirt or blazer sleeves!). She just isn't interested in typical teen stuff like boys, bands, parties, instagram. DD1 was more typical in this way - had a gang of friends at school, lots of sleepevers, social media etc.
She is also quite shy. She will chat with people she knows well, but it can be somewhat one-sided, she doesn't remember to ask other people questions about themselves. She hates speaking on the phone, and talking to people in shops etc. To me it looks like she is just acutely self conscious. I guess other people would say she is socially awkward.
She has a few things that she is really 'into'. Nerdy things, but they make her happy. She has a couple of people she sees out of school that are also in to these things, so she meets up with them infrequently. She doesn't seem to feel the need to go and see friends. Once a fortnight she might, otherwise she is happy at home.
She is clumsy, quite often very unaware of what is going on around her, finds it hard to think under pressure, or remember verbal instructions (though she is very bright - top sets at school - all girls school btw, her choice). Her hearing and sight are fine.
She did see a school counsellor because she felt unhappy at school, and she does get anxious about the future - because she is bright she sees how hard it is for young people and worries about debt, university, affording somewhere to live. She is quite a serious person. This anxiety isn't constant at a high level, but she is pretty introspective and ruminates.
I have heard her peers describe her as 'weird'. Her older sister has also called her that. One teacher asked if she had a diagnosis of anything. Other teachers say either she is lovely and contributes well, or is quiet, depending on the subject.
So, where does socially awkward end, and being on the spectrum start? I really don't know if she has anything diagnosable, or whether she is just a shy and serious teen. I know from a friend who does admin in a teen mental health team that trying to get a diagnosis takes ages, and you have to be very high need to get seen, so is it worth trying even? If she has Aspergers, would having that confirmed make a difference? She knows she is different from her peers anyway, and might see a diagnosis as constraining what she is capable of rather than explaining her differences.
AIBU?
to not know whether to try and find out if DD has Aspergers or is just a bit eccentric?
Fortful · 22/01/2016 11:49
You have just described our daughter (now aged 19) to an absolute 'T'.
She had to see a Psychiatrist for PTSD when she was 15/16 and I also wondered whether she may be on the spectrum but the Psychiatrist didn't think that there was any evidence of this at all.
She is very very bright academically and outwardly confident and highly opinionated although not very 'people smart'. Both myself and DH are classic introverts and I suspect she is the same.
Going to Uni has been the making of her though and she has found her 'people'. Things are still not perfect for her from a social point of view but she's doing brilliantly and is very happy.
When my DD was your age - I worried a lot about her future, relationships etc etc but when I read your description of your own daughter I felt a fondness for mine and remembered how crazy and wonderful she really is. 
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She sounds very like me. I've always considered that there's a range of personality types and behaviours, and if formal diagnosed aspergers/autism is at one end then well there will be plenty of people who sit next to that but not quite over the line. I think the question is whether a person seems to need further external support and intervention to be able to get on in life, or whether self-evaluation, recognising areas where you find things more difficult and challenging yourself if they are holding you back is a strategy that works for them.
You don't have to try to completely change your personality - I'm still a major introvert, I live by myself with my cats, I've never had any sort of romantic relationship and I'm okay with that - but I acknowledge that my natural inclinations would negatively impact on things like my work and relationships with family and friends. So I try to check my own behaviour where it impacts on other people - for example not just talking about my current burning interests all the time and actively trying to engage in some of the pointless chit-chat that lubricates social interactions. Colleagues at work still joke about "oh wow, look at you making small talk!" when I've been chatting on the phone with someone and manage to respond to the "how are things?" type questions and engage with people who I don't know well, without just blanking them like I used to. Baby steps! 
So yeah - whether you look into formal assessment or not, I think it could be worth supporting your DD to try to develop her own social interraction skills. There are social "rules" you can learn and then you just have to follow them - you don't have to become a social butterfly overnight, but things like taking turns in conversations and not being a bore about your own interests is necessary for engaging with people and not coming over like a jerk. Then there are other areas you could explore with her like mindfulness and CBT for anxiety, addressing her confidence in social situations like shops and on the phone - those are pretty common fears for teenagers. Could she look into volunteering or something else that would force her to go out there and interact with people? Even stuff like helping in a charity shop or going out on local litter picks would mean she's encountering new people in a different situation, and it's just a case of repeated exposure until it loses that fear of the unknown.
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