to ask if you'd leave him in this situation?

[SassySarahSays]

DP has three DC from his previous marriage aged 10, 9 and 7. I have an 8 year old from my marriage and together we have a 3 year old and 11 month old. We met six years ago and have been happy. We're engaged and he's pushing to book the wedding but I'm having second thoughts.

His ex is difficult and has regularly stopped or changed contact without consulting DP. DP has been a walkover to be honest both with his ex and with his kids who he fails to parent properly for fear they won't visit if he isn't 'fun dad'. He stopped seeing them for a year two years ago and then sorted it in court with my encouragement. Looking back, I probably pushed him into it. Six months ago it stopped again. He hasn't done anything about it and doesn't intend to He says court is a waste of money because his ex will disregard it again but I think the money he proposes we spend on our wedding should be spent on fighting to see his children.

That is my main reservation over him; that he can abandon his children. I think if I left him and made it tricky for him, he'd abandon ours too. Of course I'd like to say I wouldn't do that, but to be honest, I wouldn't trust him with them. He spends far too much time on his phone. Today he had a days annual leave booked and was supposed to be watching the DC while I caught up on washing, cleaning etc after we were all wiped up with a sickness bug last week. There were at least twenty lots of tears from the dc, 5 injuries. I had to take keys, little toys and money off baby that he didn't notice/didn't see a problem with her walking around with. In the past month when he's been watching them I've found baby sitting on the kitchen table, baby playing with a dirty nappy, baby eating cat food, baby purple because she'd opened some paint and swallowed some. He apologises but it really isn't good enough, is it?

He is sex obsessed. He used to be extremely gropey until I made it clear it really wasn't on. Still though, the second I'm not holding a dc or doing something he'll be on me for kisses or cuddles. He sends me messages 6/7 times per day telling me how much he wants me. I feel like dressing down so as to try to avoid his attention. He says things like 'when the dc are older I will have you every night' He has to be swatted away often and I have no doubt that he'd leave the dc unsupervised if I was up for sex, or even get up to no good with them around.

Without even going on to the smaller things, would you leave him in this situation? I don't want my children to be fatherless but I feel more resentful and irritated by the day.

[AcrossthePond55]

that 'my' should be 'your sexual needs. But I expect he doesn't care about mine either.

[rosewithoutthorns]

You've noticed your baby eating cat food? are you for real?
He sex pests you?
Your worried about finishing your career?

[Inertia]

Don't give up your career under any circumstances.

What is your position re house ownership / tenancy?

He sounds awful - you are just a piece of meat to him and he neglects his children.

[ALaughAMinute]

Your instinct is telling you something isn't it? Listen to it. It could save you a lot of problems in the future.

[rainbowstardrops]

Only you know him OP but personally, I'd be running a mile.

He's crap with his older kids, crap with his younger kids (even neglectful) and he pesters you constantly for sex. What a catch!

If you want a life of misery and exhaustion and of no self worth then go for it. Pretty poor example to be setting to your children though to be honest.

[Baressentials]

The only reason I would marry him would so that when we split up it would (?) give me better protection. Your instincts are screaming at you. Listen to them.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

You've posted about him before haven't you?

If you're the same poster I'm thinking off , he was a twat then and still is by the sound of it.

Don't marry him, he's horrible.

[Nanny0gg]

Can you see why his Ex is an ex? And why she wouldn't press for him to look after their children?

Make a plan OP. Your post made me shudder.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

And two women had five children with this guy? Words fail me.

When he stopped contact two years ago, it means your youngest was born after you knew this. He showed his true colours then again and initially showing them leaving his ex with a one year old.

Leave and get your career back. You don't need to support his, he managed to work without you before and will be able to do that again.

Make finding childcare your priority after leaving and return to work. Your children need one parent to do the right thing.

[Narp]

Hmm

It's really easy to see why he has an ex.

I don't understand how you got together with him.

[knobblyknee]

There have been two posts recently from women with letch husbands or exes, and they are not happy posts.
Those men only marry for one thing. They dont give a shit about the kids or you.

You actually had to tell him to stop groping you.
You had to tell him to keep any contact with his kids, and when he did see them he want parenting them.
You are quitting your career and pension security for this.

[DoreenLethal]

I'm giving up mine to support his, have no pension etc

Please do not do this.

You need to spend your efforts getting out of this relationship as fast as your legs can carry you.

[AyeAmarok]

While reading about his leching I physically felt my ovaries shrivel up and die.

Grim.

[expatinscotland]

'You've noticed your baby eating cat food?'

I have a mate whose child died from eating cat food. He choked to death.

You are on to a loser here, OP.

[51howdidthathappen]

It sounds as if, with your support, he tried to be the person he thought you wanted him to be.
He has reverted to who he really is, not much of a father or partner.

[SassySarahSays]

But if I leave, do I let him see the children or not? That's where I'm stuck.

As well as being stuck on anywhere to go. I have no family or support and no guarantor for a property. I have no right to stay here legally

[AcrossthePond55]

One thing at a time. Deal with finding a place to go first. You need to see a solicitor to find out what your legal rights are. Since you have children together you will certainly be entitled to maintenance from him. If he can afford for you to be a SAHM then he can also probably afford a goodly amount for maintenance. Also, it sounds to me as if the 'wedding fund' might be substantial? Certainly part of that should go to you as a 'new start' fund. Talk to a solicitor about that, too. Do you and he have joint finances? See what if any benefits you'd be entitled to, and what housing options you have. You have job qualifications, so returning to work (even part time) is a possibility, depending on childcare options. Although in your OP I'm not sure if you're working as you phrased it as 'I am giving up mine' which may mean you are still working?

[RubbleBubble00]

Did he want to try for the children you have now as he sounds very resentful?

I'd give relate a whirl before u marry him to see if there's something worse saving.

Did he force you to stop work to look after the children?

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Yes. He does sound awful. Hmmm...he does have good points but his bad points are kind of horrendous. Maybe a heart to heart talk about these issues? If he wanted to, he could stop acting like a sex mad dog, repair his relationship with his older children, and look out for his younger children's wellbeing. But does he want to?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

My career is an issue, Cookies. I'm giving up mine to support his, have no pension etc. I feel I'm in a very vulnerable position financially

Don't do this! I've just read your other thread and this man is not a nice and good partner. Please expect better for yourself and don't shackle yourself financially to him

[Gobbolino6]

Can I ask a slight different question please? When you two decided to have children together, was he 100% on board with the decision?

[OvertiredandConfused]

I've read all three of your threads now. Each one raised questions with me. Collectively it sounds like a pretty miserable situation.

I'd get some advice and do some research about how to find somewhere else to live and how to fund it. Once you're clearer about that then you'll probably find it easier to make sensible decisions that work for you and all your DC rather than have the fear of the unknown cloud your judgement

[TheSecondViola]

But if I leave, do I let him see the children or not? That's where I'm stuck

Whats to be stuck about? You know damn well that he won't bother to see them once you leave him. He has abandoned 3 children all ready, do you think there is anyway he's not going to do the same to the other 2?

[ChubbyChubster]

When you say you can't stay here legally, what do you mean?

If you leave him, and I hope you do as he sounds like a useless twat, then consider letting him see children in the safety of a contact centre. If he can step up and prove himself consistently then maybe he can see the children unsupervised in the future. But I'm betting he won't bother, but at least you can tell yourself you tried.

[Fishface77]

OP sounds like your almost looking for "validation" to leave him. You've got it now get out. Easier said then don but some wise posters have given you some sound advice. Whatever you do do not marry this perv.