to ask if you'd leave him in this situation?

[SassySarahSays]

DP has three DC from his previous marriage aged 10, 9 and 7. I have an 8 year old from my marriage and together we have a 3 year old and 11 month old. We met six years ago and have been happy. We're engaged and he's pushing to book the wedding but I'm having second thoughts.

His ex is difficult and has regularly stopped or changed contact without consulting DP. DP has been a walkover to be honest both with his ex and with his kids who he fails to parent properly for fear they won't visit if he isn't 'fun dad'. He stopped seeing them for a year two years ago and then sorted it in court with my encouragement. Looking back, I probably pushed him into it. Six months ago it stopped again. He hasn't done anything about it and doesn't intend to He says court is a waste of money because his ex will disregard it again but I think the money he proposes we spend on our wedding should be spent on fighting to see his children.

That is my main reservation over him; that he can abandon his children. I think if I left him and made it tricky for him, he'd abandon ours too. Of course I'd like to say I wouldn't do that, but to be honest, I wouldn't trust him with them. He spends far too much time on his phone. Today he had a days annual leave booked and was supposed to be watching the DC while I caught up on washing, cleaning etc after we were all wiped up with a sickness bug last week. There were at least twenty lots of tears from the dc, 5 injuries. I had to take keys, little toys and money off baby that he didn't notice/didn't see a problem with her walking around with. In the past month when he's been watching them I've found baby sitting on the kitchen table, baby playing with a dirty nappy, baby eating cat food, baby purple because she'd opened some paint and swallowed some. He apologises but it really isn't good enough, is it?

He is sex obsessed. He used to be extremely gropey until I made it clear it really wasn't on. Still though, the second I'm not holding a dc or doing something he'll be on me for kisses or cuddles. He sends me messages 6/7 times per day telling me how much he wants me. I feel like dressing down so as to try to avoid his attention. He says things like 'when the dc are older I will have you every night' He has to be swatted away often and I have no doubt that he'd leave the dc unsupervised if I was up for sex, or even get up to no good with them around.

Without even going on to the smaller things, would you leave him in this situation? I don't want my children to be fatherless but I feel more resentful and irritated by the day.

[ImperialBlether]

But you are always in a vulnerable financial position if you're not married.

The sooner you sort yourself out with pension etc the better. Don't rely on an unmarried partner for that.

[wickedwaterwitch]

He sounds horrible - a dreadful father and potential husband and yes, I'd leave him.

[SassySarahSays]

Griphook he constantly has a downtrodden puppy look because he's so desperate to have me alone If one or more dc is unsettled and sex is off the agenda he'll be asleep by 9.30. Otherwise he'd stay up til gone midnight in the hope he'll get some. We have nothing to talk about really as I don't do anything but be with the dc and he doesn't do anything but work.

[sleepinginmycar]

Have to be honest here, I only read your opening post and my immediate reaction was leave now.
Bad parent, bad partner, will never change and you need to leave before his lazy parenting ends up in a bad accident.

[PoundingTheStreets]

You're worried about leaving because of your financial vulnerability and the potential impact on your DC?

I'd say the impact of raising your DC in a household where the 'father' is so uninvolved and places such little value on his female partner's body autonomy and financial security (and what that tells your female children about what to expect from their future partners), is a far bigger worry.

You can leave now and make a better life. Or you can stay and get dragged further down into this one.

Sometimes it's a bigger mistake to 'keep trying' than it is to admit to a mistake and call it quits.

[BearFoxBear]

He sounds revolting. Don't marry him.

[expatinscotland]

Gawd, I wouldn't have had kids with him at all. But now? I'd be out of there now before one of your kids gets hurt under his 'care'.

[trian]

the bit that sticks out for me most is where u say child purple swallowed paint. Sounds like child could have died. Obvs u should leave him for being several types of arsehole but I think the most imp thing is not to leave small kids in his care. So many reasons to leave him.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

You are colluding with a dead beat.

Open your eyes and stop blaming his ex for piss arsing around with contact when you yourself wouldn't trust him with your own kids.

And ditch him

[Griphook]

Thought he might turn into a sulky shit when he's turned down.

Really think about whether you eBay to marry a man that can't be bothered to stop his own baby eating purple paint.
Can't be bothered to see his kids, and sulks when you don't want sex.
Tbh he sounds like a child.

Out of interest does he do such a crap job of looking after his children so you don't ask him again?

[SassySarahSays]

I don't blame her. I'd like to contact her so at least the children might be able to have contact with one another

[Griphook]

And if I was his ex I wouldn't let him have much contact with dcs

[SassySarahSays]

I genuinely don't think he is purposely shit at looking after them so I stop asking him to. He seems to think he's a hero for looking after them 'for me' and I think thinks I'll be grateful... Now the baby can walk she follows me away from him and the others won't stay with him even while I nip to the shop.

[RivieraKid]

Holy shit, surely the question is not do you leave him but how fast can you get out.

[abbsismyhero]

the others won't stay with him even while I nip to the shop.

^^ this

my three kids always came to the shop with me always he looked after the kids once and rang me constantly moaning about them and eventually (less than thirty minutes later) he dropped them off at my friends house i was supposed to be working i spoke to women's aid about this just today actually and they said well even the children don't trust him to look after them so why would you

[differentnameforthis]

Do you know why he & his ex split up, op?

Children are fantastic judges of character. And the fact that they won't stay with him when you pop out is a massive red flag.

Get your kids out before they get neglected on his watch, so they end up drinking bleach, or drowning in the bath tub!

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I feel slightly icky reading about him Like some desperate 17 year old on heat. Shudder.

[Realself]

I want, at risk of being flamed, to suggest another view. You've mentioned he does have some redeeming qualities, but the groping, sex pesting, non-parenting really needs to stop. He has to buck his ideas up or he will lose you and the dc.

Have you talked to him about how he is making you feel? He sounds like a kid who never really grew up.

The reason I am posting is bc my dh was a little similar. Totally crap at looking after the kids, very different views on what was safe or appropriate care, crap with money, and up for sex all the time. I went back to work because we really needed the money and he became the sahp. Really tough the first couple of years, I wasn't happy about some of the evening meal 'choices', the house was a permanent bomb site (kids were riding their bikes in the house at one point!?!), bedtimes were a random moveable affair, etc.

After lots of talking, coaching, advise, gently nudging and a few blazing rows he is amazing. Does all the washing, kids have clean school clothes every day which he lays out the night before, baths the kids every evening, healthy packed lunches, helps with homework, has learnt to cook, properly cook, does all the grocery shopping, plays with the kids so much - they are always laughing with him. There are still different views on what is really important and what can be let slide sometimes. But on the whole he is great. But he had to learn by doing and I had to learn to let him.

Why did I stick with it? Because he works hard, is kind and gentle, and a very fun dad. Because the kids adore him. And I do too, but it hasn't been easy.

The issue with your step kids.., hmmmn. We had a similar issue with his dd. he never backed away but I think would have if I hadn't been insisting he pay maintenance (in fact I did it for several years on his behalf) and constantly nagging about contact.

THe sex thing... Dh still has a very high drive but has learnt that groping me is inappropriate in front of the dc, because I have told him. Have you told your DP?

I think you can work this out, if you want to. Doesn't mean you have to marry him, yet or ever.

[IcecreamBus]

OP, you already know deep down what everyone is telling you. The fact that he can disregard his DC should tell you everything you need to know about this man.

[Oswin]

Why would an adult need to be told it's inappropriate? It's just common sense.
I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who only paid maintenance after being pushed too.
You may be able to change behaviours but ime you can't change mindsets.

[rosewithoutthorns]

How vulnerable to you have to make yourself OP. How much do you have to cowtow to him?

Im a single parent, have been for years. Guess what, I make a good living, provide for my offspring without having to make excuses for or get anything from a man.

You can and will have a career without having to be beholden to anyone.

Try it.

[LeaLeander]

What blows my mind is that at least two different wonen have allowed this excuse for a man to spawn 5 times (that we know of). Why?????

Damaged children x5 and a burden to the public coffers no doubt.
I will never understand if I live to be 1000.

[rosewithoutthorns]

what you describe realself makes me want to shudder. he's learned not to do that in front of the kids, bet he still does that in the bedroom though. Yuck

[lorelei9]

He sounds awful and a useless father
I'm curious though, you said were happy in the past, so he hasn't been like this all the time?

[AcrossthePond55]

Let's see. He isn't a good father (doesn't care about seeing his children with his ex, isn't 'safe' to watch his own kids), doesn't care about my sexual feelings (is a sex pest) and apparently doesn't really help around the house, either. What are his 'good' points again? Oh, he works hard so you can stay home. That would be great if he recognized your autonomy and treated you with dignity. But I think the reason he supports you staying home is so he has a skivvy and a sex partner. Mark my words, he'll turn out to be one of those men who feel their wife 'owes' them sex because they 'bring home the bacon'.

I wouldn't marry him for all the gold in Ft Knox.