to feel like we count too much on my Mum?

[cjt110]

My mum (aged 50) is a fabulous Mum and Grandma. Me and Dh both work full time. DS(17m) goes to nursery 2 days a week and is with my Mum 3 days a week. I often feel guilty and wonder if we rely too much on my Mum. She says she loves having our son when I have asked her if it's too much and that although she does get tired, it's not a problem. I (aged 29) am often shattered after a day at home on my own with my son, let alone being with his Mon, Tues and Fri like my Mum does.

I feel forever guilty but she insists it's not too much. AIBU to always feel like we rely too much on my Mum? That we are forever indebted to her, although she never makes me feel this way herself?

I would love to do something for her to show how grateful we are.

[yorkshapudding]

OP, my mum is the same age as yours and looks after my DD while I'm at work part time. I've seen a lot of posts on mn implying that anyone who 'uses' their parents as regular childcare is automatically taking advantage but I think it depends on the individual families situation. My DM is fit and healthy but decided to take early retirement as her job was ridiculously busy and stressful with lots of long haul travel. It was her idea from the beginning, there's no way I would ever have suggested her doing our childcare.
She's always saying how much she loves having DD and how it feels like a holiday after so many years in such a high pressure job. They do have a really lovely bond due to spending so much time together and my DF is always saying how happy the arrangement makes my Mum, which is reassuring as he's pretty plain speaking and would definitely say something if he had an inkling it wasn't working for her anymore. Even so, I am sure to keep checking in with her regularly that she's still feeling OK about it and that it isn't getting too much. Her response is always "don't be so silly". I've tried to offer her money but she won't hear of it so I try to show my appreciation in other ways like taking her and DF out for lunch or days out.

[cjt110]

I have just text my mum saying "You do know we appreciate all you do for us don't you? And if it ever becomes too much, you need to tell us"

Her reply "It's not too much for me. And I love having him and helping you out"

[HTKB]

50! I'm a midwife. At least once a fortmight I deliver a baby to someone aged 45+. He could be hers!

You sound lovely and considerate. But she's a very young woman and it sounds like she enjoys it.

[Janeymoo50]

Sounds like your mum likes it and is coping just fine. I'd not worry to much, he'll be off to school before you know it. Does your mum like the theatre, maybe treat her to a show. You're very fortunate (but you know that I can tell), plus your little one is also very lucky to to spend such quality time with his granny. I'd image he may well do longer at nursery in the next couple of years too so would be less with granny.

[TheWrathofNaan]

Do you pay her? Hope that's not too nosy to ask!

[cjt110]

Hi all,

Thanks for your great replies.

TheWrathofNaan No we don't - she wouldn't accept money.

[Pilgit]

My mum is 68 and has my dd2 once a week. She also does other babysitting for us. As she is a stoic old hag who wouldn't admit to anything being wrong to me I have an arrangement with my sister (who lives 200 miles away) where she will tell me if mother admits any misgivings to her (she is far more likely to tell sister than me as she doesn't want to worry me!).

I view it as a gift - anything she can do for us is a gift. The DDs are our responsibility not hers so if she can't do something that's okay. Doesn't stop her feeling guilty for 'letting us down' though.....

[Gobbolino6]

I think you have asked her if it's ok so you aren't doing anything wrong. I'd reiterate to her that it isn't expected, and that she can talk to you if circumstances change, and just tell her how much you appreciate her...and then carry on as normal.