to feel like we count too much on my Mum?

[cjt110]

My mum (aged 50) is a fabulous Mum and Grandma. Me and Dh both work full time. DS(17m) goes to nursery 2 days a week and is with my Mum 3 days a week. I often feel guilty and wonder if we rely too much on my Mum. She says she loves having our son when I have asked her if it's too much and that although she does get tired, it's not a problem. I (aged 29) am often shattered after a day at home on my own with my son, let alone being with his Mon, Tues and Fri like my Mum does.

I feel forever guilty but she insists it's not too much. AIBU to always feel like we rely too much on my Mum? That we are forever indebted to her, although she never makes me feel this way herself?

I would love to do something for her to show how grateful we are.

[Gobbolino6]

I think you have asked her if it's ok so you aren't doing anything wrong. I'd reiterate to her that it isn't expected, and that she can talk to you if circumstances change, and just tell her how much you appreciate her...and then carry on as normal.

[Pilgit]

My mum is 68 and has my dd2 once a week. She also does other babysitting for us. As she is a stoic old hag who wouldn't admit to anything being wrong to me I have an arrangement with my sister (who lives 200 miles away) where she will tell me if mother admits any misgivings to her (she is far more likely to tell sister than me as she doesn't want to worry me!).

I view it as a gift - anything she can do for us is a gift. The DDs are our responsibility not hers so if she can't do something that's okay. Doesn't stop her feeling guilty for 'letting us down' though.....

[cjt110]

Hi all,

Thanks for your great replies.

TheWrathofNaan No we don't - she wouldn't accept money.

[TheWrathofNaan]

Do you pay her? Hope that's not too nosy to ask!

[Janeymoo50]

Sounds like your mum likes it and is coping just fine. I'd not worry to much, he'll be off to school before you know it. Does your mum like the theatre, maybe treat her to a show. You're very fortunate (but you know that I can tell), plus your little one is also very lucky to to spend such quality time with his granny. I'd image he may well do longer at nursery in the next couple of years too so would be less with granny.

[HTKB]

50! I'm a midwife. At least once a fortmight I deliver a baby to someone aged 45+. He could be hers!

You sound lovely and considerate. But she's a very young woman and it sounds like she enjoys it.

[cjt110]

I have just text my mum saying "You do know we appreciate all you do for us don't you? And if it ever becomes too much, you need to tell us"

Her reply "It's not too much for me. And I love having him and helping you out"

[yorkshapudding]

OP, my mum is the same age as yours and looks after my DD while I'm at work part time. I've seen a lot of posts on mn implying that anyone who 'uses' their parents as regular childcare is automatically taking advantage but I think it depends on the individual families situation. My DM is fit and healthy but decided to take early retirement as her job was ridiculously busy and stressful with lots of long haul travel. It was her idea from the beginning, there's no way I would ever have suggested her doing our childcare.
She's always saying how much she loves having DD and how it feels like a holiday after so many years in such a high pressure job. They do have a really lovely bond due to spending so much time together and my DF is always saying how happy the arrangement makes my Mum, which is reassuring as he's pretty plain speaking and would definitely say something if he had an inkling it wasn't working for her anymore. Even so, I am sure to keep checking in with her regularly that she's still feeling OK about it and that it isn't getting too much. Her response is always "don't be so silly". I've tried to offer her money but she won't hear of it so I try to show my appreciation in other ways like taking her and DF out for lunch or days out.

[cjt110]

hihohoho1 I know 50 isnt old by any means but she does have some health issues which cause her to be tired and I just worry I guess. She would (I hope) tell me if it was too much. She dotes on my son (her first and only gc)

special it would be 30 mins each way which is a long way IMO

[Hihohoho1]

Op sorry your post made me laugh!

She's 50! I am the same she and run a cm business with 4 under 5 and 2 after schoolers full time.

Am going to have my grandson join the crew next year. For free of course.

Being a parent is knackering as you are a parent 24/7.. Looking after children that arnt yours or being a gran isn't any where near as knackering as they go home.

You sound lovely but don't start treating your mum like an old lady. She isn't. She's clearly fine.

Seriously I get asked if the kids are mine on many occasions.

Mind you I am hot!

50 is the new 30 doncha no.

[timelytess]

Your mum is young. Raising children is not beyond her. She'll tell you when it gets too much.

[ShesGotLionsInHerHeart]

If it were me, I would tip the balance by having an extra day at nursery and one less with your mum. Then you're relying on her less, but they still get lots of lovely grandparent/child together time.

[specialsubject]

at 50, and if you have the kind of relationship where she doesn't feel trapped (sounds like it) then I'd say carry on. As long as you make it really clear that she can get out at any time. You should have backup plans so she can take you up on that.

she isn't doing nights which is the big thing!

also make clear there's an end to it, which there will be when school comes.

oh, and if she isn't disabled, walking 30 mins should be a non-issue.

[2016Hopeful]

Sounds like she is happy with the arrangement. Also, she is only 50 so could be working, is she OK money wise not to work? I would much rather look after one grandchild than work if I didn't need the money. She is probably having a great time.

The best thing you can do is let her know how much you appreciate it and also spend some nice quality time with her so she doesn't think you only see her for childcare (am a bit guilty of this!).

[Xmasbaby11]

She sounds happy with the arrangement and you're being considerate. I can't see any problem with it.

[cjt110]

Sadly neither of those are an option Art And the morning thing - it'd mean her walking for 30 mins to collect him as she doesnt drive :( Though it'd be great if we could.

[Artandco]

Could you maybe look at your and dhs job to see if there's any more flexibility? Can one of you leave one hour later in the morning and back an hour later? And swap between you and Dh so one of your leaves earlier and back earlier, and one later? Then she actually would have him an hour or two less each day?

Or maybe once he turns 2 years look at him going into nursery one morning she has him so that's a few hours less for her. If it's one you can drop before work and she collects at midday it means she will only have to collect then so a morning less

[Purplecan4]

Your mum is a young granny clearly enjoying being with your ds.

I don't think you need to worry as long as you've made it clear that if she is tired or whatever you can easily up the nursery days and reduce hers.

[cjt110]

Thanks for all your replies. I guess I was just worrying about if I was taking the piss, but having seen some examples above, I definitely am not!

Good idea about tickets etc for them. She always has everything she needs for him from nappies to food. I have ALWAYS insisted that it's not her responsibility to feed him.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Meant to say also that my granny had is a day a week when we were little, then later an aunt did pick ups each week. I plan to help my kids the same way if possible so there is a family trend here. Everyone very appreciative and it works for us.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

OP my situation is similar. My mum only has dd 1 day a week but also does pick up and holiday care 1 day for my young cousins. She's 59 and very fit and young. It means the world to me that my daughter has this time with my mum. We could afford the additional day (she's with cm 2 days pw) but I love knowing she's with family and seeing how closely bonded they are.

My mum has plenty of money and a nice lifestyle. She would never accept payment and even treating her is hard as she has a wealthy husband who dotes on her already! In fact my daughter often comes home with new clothes, shoes etc!

I've made it very clear that she's to say if it ever gets too much. Other than that i text and tell her regularly how much we appreciate it and what a great job she's doing. We fit around her whenever necessary and give her random little gifts sometimes. I trust her to say if it's too much and I think knowing you're appreciated is the main thing if you're as generous as our mums are! We're very lucky!

[MLGs]

Disappointed one that sounds shocking! Your poor PIL!

[Turquoisetamborine]

If he's the only grandchild then make the most of it (always asking if it's too much for her). My mam had my son one day a week when I returned to work. He was the first grandchild on both sides. Now there are six so apart from collecting my older one from school once a week my mam doesn't help at all as she feels she can't have all of them.

Better that than do what her sister did and have one grandchild full time when the other one (two daughters who had two kids within the same week) went to nursery full time! She said this was fair because one daughter earned a lot more than the other one.

[Osolea]

If she says she enjoys it and insists it's not too much, then the best thing you can do for he is tell her regularly that you appreciate it.

Accept that she probably really does love being able to be such a big part of her grand child's life, and as your ds gets older, let her continue to be part of the fun stuff, like school plays and that sort of thing.

You could do little things like buy in nice food for her and your ds, buy tickets or pay for nice things for them to do together and ensure she always has what she needs to care for him adequately so that she isn't having to go to any financial expense.

She will know from your attitude whether you appreciate it or you take it for granted, and appreciation is probably all she really wants.

[DisappointedOne]

DisappointedOne There isn't any flexibility for 2/3 days she has him as we are both working. On the third day, DH is off on alternate weeks so some weeks she has him, others she doesnt.

I personally wouldn't be happy about that.