Ok, I apologise in advance as this will probably be a long OP, but to avoid confusion and drip feeding there's some background which may or may not matter.
DH and I have 3 DSs. DS1 is our biological son, DS2 and DS3 are brothers, sons of family friends who we adopted after their parents died. At the time, DS2 was 15 and having a pretty rough time of it so we always made it very clear he wasn't an outsider, that we thought of both him and DS3 as part of our family and if he ever needed advice or to talk about anything or just a hug we would be there for him. A couple of times he did, but for the most part kept it to himself.
Fast forward to four years ago, DS2 met his current girlfriend and found a kindred spirit almost.
Fast forward again to a few days ago, they had come over for dinner and I noticed something was a little off about them. When we were on our own I asked him if he was ok and he said that he was, then a while later cornered me and said (with a face the colour of the red cabbage mind you!) that he and girlfriend had had sex for the first time and he was a little unsure if it was supposed to change anything, or if it was a sign she wanted him to propose. Long story short we had a brief chat about it (pink cheeks all around), I assured him that I didn't think she was trying to get him to marry her, he assured me he had wanted to do it, we both returned to company in better spirits.
Now I'm thinking about the conversation I'm feeling a little strange about it. Not because I think he shouldn't have had sex because frankly he's 24 years old, it's his body part and his life, but I almost feel like he's grown up to the point where he simply doesn't need me. AIBU to feel like this?
AIBU?
AIBU to be unsure how I feel about DS losing his virginity?
GreenGlassLove · 08/01/2016 00:44
Ok, more updates because this has kind of become a place for me to talk to myself so I can straighten my brain out.
DSs 1 and 2 both came over with their respective partners today and DS2 seems to be a lot more comfortable, I'd say probably a little more comfortable than he was before all this. We spoke briefly about how he was physically (he has some health problems that tend to flair up in cold weather) and the conversation turned to our previous conversation, he thanked me for listening to him and actually gave me a hug, which hasn't happened in a while so it seems things are relatively back to normal now, and DS3 got man of the match in his rugby so extraordinary bad luck notwithstanding I think things will pick up from here on out, thank you for all your support and suggestions 
@WeAreTheOthers
Not particularly. I can't exactly give you a full medical history of course but physically he's had asthma since childhood, not severe unless he's under a lot of stress or if it's freezing cold and he has a dodgy knee that he insists he's never injured which also plays up in the cold. Mentally we're not sure as he's got no formal diagnosis but we think it's mostly centered around low self esteem and insecurities that tag along with that. He is much better now, though he has bad days like the rest of us 
Not sure if you're still there, but wonder if he has any ongoing contact with a gp, psychologist or other health care professional? Sounds as if he's done an amazing job to have got as far as he has and you to have got him this far too. GF also sounds like a real support. But. Maybe he needs a safe space to work out his worries, without worrying about leaning too heavily on either you or gf.
Given all the physical manifestations of stress you've mentioned, it would be reasonable to think that a professional might suggest working out what, exactly, is causing his extreme distress.
I know it can take months to get to a psychologist, but this seems big enough to warrant consistent and experienced support. Might be worth the wait.
You've obviously done an incredible job but maybe you can both carry on being a mum and gf whilst he's getting professional support too. Seems it might be a good time for him to look forward and maybe back a little.
Good luck, you sound lovely. 
I think fear of emotions is quite common. I'm not sure quite what we think they'll do if we give them space, but if he sees it as a safe space where exploring his thoughts won't harm anyone it might well give him relief from what seems to be ongoing tension. The more he builds layers of what he should do, and how he should behave, the less room there is to breathe. That probably sounds silly but we can become suffocated by all the things we're desperately trying not to think.
It sounds far bigger than his relationship if it's impacting on all of you and you're so concerned that you're having to hide your concern, he needs to do something.
It sounds as if there is a fair amount of horror and not looking at it sometimes makes the nightmare even bigger, darker and more forbidding than it if he "switches on the light". Just my experiences of course.
more things for you, it's so difficult being a mum.
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