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AIBU?

cancelling Christmas

115 replies

unimaginativename13 · 23/12/2015 03:01

Bit of background my DH has a history of 'enjoying' his nights out.

He gets blind drunk, can't answer his phone, can't get home, passes out on a sofa if he can't make it.

This happens not all the time but too often for my liking.

It slowed down when we got married and happened a few times when I was pregnant.

Always result in an arguement.

He had his work do at the weekend, we also have a 8 week old baby. He agreed to be home by midnight and no states. I said to him if he pulls any stunts then Christmas is cancelled and I'll be going to my family's without him.

So I end up with his boss calling me because OH has passed out drunk. I have to end up calling BIL at 2am because I can't deal with this and a baby. Cue peeing off the in laws.

I've avoided him since happened on Sunday.

But I'm still really considering following through with my threat and leaving him alone at Xmas, our baby first Xmas.

The penny has to drop with him at some pint doesn't it?

AIBU to cancel Xmas plans?

OP posts:

Report

Choughed · 23/12/2015 14:10

Another one who thinks that you should follow through with your threat. Thoughts quite a big one I suspect you are already regretting making it and you'll cave.

You enabled his behaviour before, giving him no incentive to change. He pisses on the mattress? He should buy a new mattress. He's blind drunk and his boss phones you? "Shrug". You can't help, his boss should call the police if he's a nuisance.

You've cleaned up after him for years, why should he change?

Choughed · 23/12/2015 14:11

Thoughts = though it's

Choughed · 23/12/2015 14:17

"I've spent many a night jumping in the car to go rescue him."

See? No incentive to change. And you've been conditioned into thinking his excessive drinking is your problem to solve. It's not.

Bunbaker · 23/12/2015 14:22

I agree with Choughed. Rescuing him just enables him to continue behaving like this. See my dog bowl comment at 08.33.

unimaginativename13 · 23/12/2015 14:37

Thanks all,

We've had a chat but really cancelling Christmas is just a small part. Our whole marriage is on the rocks with this, at least he realises that.

Even spending Xmas day together he knows is going to fix what's he's done.

He's family have made it quite clear he's not welcome to them (same threat as mine) if I don't want him.

Really we have to talk about our life beyond Xmas.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/12/2015 14:39

yes I think if you are at this stage now then it doesnt look very good for your future. And you deserve better. :(

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2015 14:44

Do Xmas first - without him.
This is a real issue if even his own family don't want him.
Let him stew on Xmas day with everyone else enjoying themselves.
Then you can have the all important talk about where to go from here.

But... I doubt he will change. He has no 'cut off' switch with alcohol.
That is massively dangerous as you already know, having spent time in A&E.
That would have been the deal breaker right there and it should have been for you.
But.... you keep cleaning up after him, going to rescue him. How on earth will he learn not to do it if you keep enabling him?
Seriously. Stop the madness.
Leave him on his own for Xmas.
You cannot make threats you won't follow through on.
As a PP has said, your tiny baby won't remember so no loss there.
Just get away from him.

Can you pack a bag and go today and just stay away for a few days to get some head space.
I think you know this is that 'straw'. It's broken and it can never be repaired.
He CAN try to change. He can attend AA and give up drinking properly but you will always live on the edge every time he goes out wondering if he has fallen off the wagon. Will the phone ring? Who will it be?
Is this any way to live the rest of your life?

sooperdooper · 23/12/2015 14:46

I think you should go to your parents, if he's not welcome at his parents either for the same reason then more fool him. It'll give you both time to assess if things can change in the new year but you shouldnt hang about on Christmas day in the meantime.

Just pack a few things and go without a row, just state that you'll be back in a few days, as you'd said you would be

Choughed · 23/12/2015 14:59

Best of luck OP. It's a tough situation and I hope you find a way through that's best for you and your baby.

noeffingidea · 23/12/2015 15:07

From the sound of it, he really needs to stop drinking completely. He has no control over it and he will put himself in danger sooner or later. There won't always be something there to put him in the recovery position or to call an ambulance. And that's not even considering the long term damage he is doing to his body.
How do.you think he would react if he was given that advice by a doctor? Would he react in horror, minimise it, or would he be prepared to attempt to stop?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 23/12/2015 15:29

If you DON'T go what are the chances he will promise you the earth and then at the next opportunity do the same? Go to your parents. Calmly and with civility explain that you need some time and do not want to be around him just at the moment. Take some time to think. Give him some time to really, really think.

Bunbaker · 23/12/2015 19:12

Just heard from SIL. The damage done by her husband's alcoholism is so bad that she has to put him into respite care every few weeks. She is looking forward to a miserable Christmas and a better new year because her husband is going into respite next week.

Pilgit · 23/12/2015 19:36

He sounds like an alcoholic. The only way he is going to change is if he comes to the realisation that he has a problem and goes to AA and sorts himself out. Following through on the ultimatum may pish him towards this however whilst he doesn't admit he's got a problem the only response from him will be to think you're being unreasonable.

I say the above from experience. My father is an alcoholic and it is the rest of the world th a time has the problem not him.

I wish you a good Christmas and speedy resolution to this all.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 23/12/2015 20:41

Totally agree with PPs about going to your parents for Christmas and leave him to think about his actions. It may just be the wakup call he needs to sort himself out, plus there is no point whatsoever in making threats you don't carry out. So even if things are calm and pleasant, still go.

mathanxiety · 24/12/2015 17:03

Hoping you are heading to your parents with the baby.

Talking will get you nowhere.

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