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AIBU?

cancelling Christmas

115 replies

unimaginativename13 · 23/12/2015 03:01

Bit of background my DH has a history of 'enjoying' his nights out.

He gets blind drunk, can't answer his phone, can't get home, passes out on a sofa if he can't make it.

This happens not all the time but too often for my liking.

It slowed down when we got married and happened a few times when I was pregnant.

Always result in an arguement.

He had his work do at the weekend, we also have a 8 week old baby. He agreed to be home by midnight and no states. I said to him if he pulls any stunts then Christmas is cancelled and I'll be going to my family's without him.

So I end up with his boss calling me because OH has passed out drunk. I have to end up calling BIL at 2am because I can't deal with this and a baby. Cue peeing off the in laws.

I've avoided him since happened on Sunday.

But I'm still really considering following through with my threat and leaving him alone at Xmas, our baby first Xmas.

The penny has to drop with him at some pint doesn't it?

AIBU to cancel Xmas plans?

OP posts:

Report

WeAllHaveWings · 23/12/2015 10:17

Stop giving him ultimatums that you wont follow through. Tell him you are going to your parents for Xmas as agreed, no further conversation on that matter. If you do not do this, because of your actions, nothing will ever change.

Have a conversation and tell him why and what will happen in the future if there is a repeat performance.

This is a good lesson for you to learn for parenthood too. Do not make an ultimatum you will not follow through.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/12/2015 10:18

Well you issued an ultimatum so need the follow through or it will mean nothing in the future.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then why marry him knowing he did it and then go on to have children with him? He showed you his true colours and you knowingly went ahead anyway. Bit too late to start moaning he hasn't changed into what you wanted.

lorelei9 · 23/12/2015 10:25

I've never lived with this - but I can imagine what it's like.

I vote this. Don't have Xmas with him by all means. But more importantly - don't have the rest of your life with him. Seriously. Don't use Xmas to make a point. It won't work. he'll remember till...New Year's Eve.

just leave. He is who he is.

Chopz · 23/12/2015 10:34

Jun - people do change particularly when they have kids/more responsibility

AliceScarlett · 23/12/2015 10:38

Yep follow through or he will never learn that his behaviour has consequences. My husband is an addict in recovery, he knows that if he comes home wreaked or brings drugs into the house I will go stay elsewhere until he is back on the wagon. It is a non negotiable boundary and I think it keeps us both safe.

AliceScarlett · 23/12/2015 10:40

Al anon might be a helpful organisation for you as well.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2015 10:41

It sounds awful but then you did choose to be with him and have a baby with him, so you must love him aside from this antisocial behaviour?

Can you live like this for the rest of your life? If not, then you have to have a big think.

I wonder if you could demand that he see a counseller with you and look into his drinking. It sounds like addictive behaviour which is very, very hard to break. Whatever happens he will always be your baby's father and may one day have visiting rights to take your child and look after them, before getting to that point why not get some professional help to try and save your relationship.

In your shoes I would not 'punish' him by making him miss his baby's first Christmas, I would 'help' him by insisting on relationship counselling that can address this compulsive and destructive behaviour.

No, I have not lived through it, yes, I have no idea how bad it is, but I do know a lot of people with addictive or compulsive behaviours and it is really really hard to change this without help. Making promises to you will not help him, you said "It's so bloody frustrating to get 'yes I promise to only have a couple and be home by 12' then all hell breaks loose. I just imagine firstly that he knows he's lying which is hurtful, or he gets to that bar and thinks 'fuck her'." I don't think he means to lie, I think he really thinks he can do it! Why not. Any normal person can go out for a drink and not get stinking! But if he has a problem with drink, night out, saying no etc, then he just does not seem able to.

Engage with the problem and help him get help, if you feel able. If not, of course you can do whatever you wish to do. But I feel quite sure it will be a hollow victory to spedn a day away from him with your new baby, better to use it as a bargaining chip' to get him signed up for counselling and to enjoy the day with him and your child.

Good luck, you are not wrong to find this intolerable, it is! But I just don't think he is in control of what he is doing and help would be the first port of call for me, in your shoes.

mintoil · 23/12/2015 10:45

I agree with PP that if you don't follow through then what incentive is there for him to change?

He sounds totally selfish. I actually doubt you can change him but I wish you luck.

specialsubject · 23/12/2015 10:50

he's choosing the swill over you.

it's not a 'bit crazy' or the jolly jape that MN seems to think is ok. He's an addict, even if it at the moment it isn't quite all the time.

disappear for xmas and afterwards, offer him the choice - get help for his addiction or the game is over.

aisle altar hymn never works, sorry. He needs to want to change. I hope he does.

I am working with someone who is destroying his life with drink. He knows that there's only one person who can decide to change. I hope he makes that decision.

Boomerangs · 23/12/2015 10:56

Yanbu

HellonHeels · 23/12/2015 10:59

Help - yes. But OP's husband needs to secure his own help and be willing to engage with it. It's not for OP to start running about making those arrangements. He will just bail on them if he's not ready to engage and change.

Didiusfalco · 23/12/2015 11:00

That is so disrespectful to you.

You have to carry through on your threat, or he will never take you seriously again.

His behaviour when you do this will speak volumes. He should be remorseful, and doing everything he can to make it u to you. If he goes out and gets hammered instead you know what to do.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 11:00

Never give an ultimatum you aren't willing to carry out

This, totally.

Do it, OP. Have a nice quiet Christmas with your family and baby. Let him stew.

noeffingidea · 23/12/2015 11:01

This isn't 'having fun' or 'going crazy' , it's drinking to a dangerous and antisocial level. He passed out, he could have died.
For starters, I would go to my parents. You must stick to your ultimatum, for his benefit as well as your own.
As for the future? Personally I couldn't live with someone who behaved like this. I used to have a drinking problem myself (of a different pattern), I sorted myself out and went teetotal, because my children deserved better.
I think you need to ask yourself how your partner's drinking will affect your children in the future.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/12/2015 11:10

LTB. For Christmas, and then a lot longer.

Namechanger2015 · 23/12/2015 11:19

Please carry out your threat, and try to make him understand the seriousness of his behaviour.

My STBXH was the same - always getting blind drunk, and then sleeping the next day away. Yes, he was like this before we married, but I had thought (not unreasonably) that having children would mean that he would modify his behaviour accordingly, just like millions of other men and women do. But he didn't.

Eventually he went missing for the night when I was 38 weeks pregnant, and had a 4 year old and 2 year old in the house. He strolled in at 8am as if nothing had happened, got changed and went to work. Not so much as a thought for us, because he had gotten away with his behaviour for years.

DDs will often comment that daddy's favourite hobby is sleeping, and they would often ask why they have to wake up and get ready in the mornings and daddy doesn't.

It was an awful, soul-destroying way to live, drink would always come before us.

Please do everything to nip this in the bud, or seriously start considering your options.

Gruntfuttock · 23/12/2015 11:25

"LTB. For Christmas, and then a lot longer."

Agree 100%. I couldn't live with a man like this. Of course, you know that if you do carry out your threat (and you should) he will get paralytic again, don't you? He'll never change, so you have to leave him to his first love, i.e. alcohol, and look forward to a better life without him.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family. After that, make serious plans for your future and that of your little baby. You both deserve better.

coconutpie · 23/12/2015 11:32

Go to your parents. Do not make an ultimatum that you cannot follow through. If you just forgive him again, he'll never learn the consequences of his actions.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 23/12/2015 11:39

I would be beyond livid if my partner did this and that's without an 8 week old baby.

The fact that a grown man got so paralyticly drunk his BOSS had to phone you to have him collected is disgusting. In a lot of places that sort of behaviour would result in a disciplinary.

I would be utterly ashamed of him. If he is anything less than utterly humiliated and apologetic (which it doesn't sound like he is) I don't think I would forgive him since this isn't the first time and he promised not to behave badly.

Although if I had to make my partner promise not to behave badly I think I would re think my relationship tbh.

Shelby2010 · 23/12/2015 11:50

I would also be worried about having someone that drunk in the house with a small baby. Suppose he starts stumbling around in the night looking for the toilet & knocks over the Moses basket or decides to pick the baby up.

TheLambShankRedemption · 23/12/2015 11:50

If you threaten it, you have to see it through.

Drinking to that state is serious. The next step is A&E for a stomach pump.

I have no issue with someone going out and having a good time several times a year, but getting so drunk that you are unconscious and having work colleagues pick up the pieces on a night out is not on. I hope his boss hauls him over the coals and that gives him the wake up call that he needs, as he doesn't seem to be listening to you.

Namechanger2015 · 23/12/2015 12:07

If you just forgive him again, he'll never learn the consequences of his actions.

This is the kind of thing you should be doing with a child, not a husband. Will be be a good dad in other ways, or will you end up parenting the two of them, at your own expense?

Although if I had to make my partner promise not to behave badly I think I would re think my relationship tbh

It's a sad state of affairs, but it's very true. Your child needs two responsible parents. One responsible parent is better than one emotionally-destroyed parent and one selfish parent. Your child will not thank you for it.

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Gruntfuttock · 23/12/2015 12:17

Excellent points Namechanger2015. I hope the OP takes them on board.

petalsandstars · 23/12/2015 13:46

Glad to "see" you about name

SkaterGrrrrl · 23/12/2015 14:06

Definitely go to your parents.

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