cancelling Christmas

[unimaginativename13]

Bit of background my DH has a history of 'enjoying' his nights out.

He gets blind drunk, can't answer his phone, can't get home, passes out on a sofa if he can't make it.

This happens not all the time but too often for my liking.

It slowed down when we got married and happened a few times when I was pregnant.

Always result in an arguement.

He had his work do at the weekend, we also have a 8 week old baby. He agreed to be home by midnight and no states. I said to him if he pulls any stunts then Christmas is cancelled and I'll be going to my family's without him.

So I end up with his boss calling me because OH has passed out drunk. I have to end up calling BIL at 2am because I can't deal with this and a baby. Cue peeing off the in laws.

I've avoided him since happened on Sunday.

But I'm still really considering following through with my threat and leaving him alone at Xmas, our baby first Xmas.

The penny has to drop with him at some pint doesn't it?

AIBU to cancel Xmas plans?

[Moonriver1]

No it's not ridiculous.

[Jw35]

This was the type of man you married. You knew about his drinking and had unrealistic expectations on a work night out! However he's still a dickhead so just do it! Wake him up and consider the future of this man child!

[Dipankrispaneven]

I don't really think it is acceptable for a man with a pregnant wife, and subsequently a small baby, to "go a bit crazy" 3-4 times a year. Or at least not when it entails getting so drunk that he loses consciousness. Every time he does it he puts himself in serious danger of alcohol poisoning, and when he's in that state he's liable to stagger into the road, choke on his own vomit, or be vulnerable to any passing thug who sees him as an easy target - to say nothing of the damage he's doing to his liver and his brain cells. But of course it also means it's an evening and night when he's not there to help and support his family and his wife is left worrying about where he is, followed by at least a day when he's useless for anything.

And, perhaps most importantly, he's getting himself into that state when he's specifically promised not to. If he doesn't have the will power to keep to a promise knowing he has a small baby at home, the problem will only get worse. At some point he has to grow up.

[Enjolrass]

It is ridiculous if you aren't planning on doing it.

I never threaten the kids with coal for Christmas if they don't behave. Because I have no intention of cancelling Christmas.

If the OP has no doubt in her mind she was going to do it, I wouldn't say it was ridiculous. The ridiculous comes in because she is considering not following through

[MrsUnderwood]

She's not cancelling Xmas, though- she's taking her baby and spending it with her family without him. I really think that's fair enough- he broke his promise and should suffer the consequences.

[Ipsos]

Your dh is probably one of those people who can't stop drinking after they've had the first half pint. He's probably ashamed of the fact that he can't "handle his drink" and doesn't want to go teatotal in case his peers take the mickey. However, that is what he needs to do in order to be a good husband for his wife and kid. You need to talk calmly to him about it and explain that it will be okay if he goes entirely on the wagon. Many people have done it before him, and it is really okay.

[petalsandstars]

Spend Christmas with your family

He can slink off to his own if he wants to- are ILs likely to think he's a twat though and spell it out or will he be waited on as the prodigal son etc?

Either way as others have said. You need to follow through.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

If you haven't lived with a man/person who does this then you can't understand the stress, worry, anxiety, dismay, let down, cancelled plans, shame, embarrassment, dread that goes along with it. It's a miserable way to live. It's not about 'letting his hair down' a few times a year, it's just not.

[Chopz]

Getting blind drink is fine if he has no responsibilities and can get himself home/in bed without effecting anyone. However having a pregnant wife or small baby or waking others to get you home is not ok. I would carry through but do it in a non emotional factual way. Leave the night before and when he texts explain that when he chose to get uncontrollably drunk, he also chose to spend Xmas without you.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

It sounds like he resents being told not to get blind drunk. So thinks 'fuck it' and does it anyway to get back at you.

But that's doesn't make what he does right. Not being able to keep his promise 3-4 times a year doesn't seem a lot. But it's what it represents - his lack of consideration and respect for you and now his baby.

Follow through with your promise to go without him this Christmas. Apologise to his family for having to call them, make it clear you don't expect this behaviour from him and won't be tolerating it again - he can also apologise to them but he has to do it without any promoting from you. I'm hopeful his family will make it clear his behaviour was unnecessary and inconveniencing everyone.

He can either make his own way to where you are for Christmas or make alternative arrangements for himself. If he doesn't want to miss baby's first Christmas, with you, then he sorts himself out. It might be the wake up call he needs.

I'm not going to say ltb based on one night every few months. But a serious consideration of what that one night represents is needed. It's natural for anyone to react to the challenges becoming a parent brings. But how you meet those challenges sets the scene for their childhood.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Yes go. He has an issue with alcohol and he promised you. He promised you yet he passed out, he caused problems for his boss, he caused problems for his family. For the sake of your relationship, you need to follow through.

But I agree that you need to do this calmly, not in anger but as a consequence, and I like the suggestion about phoning your inlaws too.

Go to your family

[Enjolrass]

I really think that's fair enough- he broke his promise and should suffer the consequences.

I agree. Because she gave him the ultimatum.

But she is doubting it. And ultimatum that is followed through with is ridiculous.

The OP is the one who used the phrase cancelling Christmas

[PopcornFrenzy]

My DH did this, one night got really drunk and didn't roll in til 2am knowing full well we have 2 young children to look after.

So a few weeks again I did the same, I went out and said yes I'll be home by 10pm blah blah (exactly what he says) so I start drinking and think bollocks to it I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine.

I switched off my phone and proceeded to get absolutely wankered which didn't take long as I'd not drunk properly for ages so I roll in at about 3am and am so drunk I fall asleep on the hall/stairs.

Anyway he's fuming when I finally wake up and he's going on about not being able to contact me blah blah

So I say it's not nice is it when the other one is contactable and has lied about being in at 10 etc.

Well it seemed like it was the wake up call he needed to at least be in at a reasonable time and not kick the arse out of it when he is out drinking, I have lowered my expectations a little bit and don't give him a time to be in by because I know if you're having a good time you don't want a time restriction but he has to be in a fit state to look after the children and not sleep all day

[Rebecca2014]

You really need to stop giving him these ultimatums, especially if you will not follow through with them. He thought stuff you as he knew you wouldn't leave him at Christmas and he was right.

You say he was like this before you got married but even worse! did you expect him to magically change once you got married? this is who he is and what he enjoys doing. Yes I suppose it is embarrassing having get that phone call saying your husband passed out drunk etc but you knew what you were walking into.

Personally if this was my only issue and it only happened a few times a year, I would let it go.

[bimandbam]

I personally don't think 3/4 times a year to do what you want on a night out is too bad. But not with an 8 week old baby in the house.

He obviously can't hold his alcohol. He probably doesn't think fuck it, I am going to so pissed I am going to pass out so my boss has to ring for help. He probably has a few then stops thinking.

I don't think it is reasonable to tell a grown up how drunk they can get. But I don't think it is reasonable for an adult to get in that state either.

Is he likely to get drunk again over Christmas with your parents? If not I would just enjoy Christmas as a family and sit down afterwards and discuss with him why it is a problem. Your baby won't know he isn't there but you will.

And fwiw I don't think anything you say will make him feel worse than he already does.

[ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean]

Really? You married a man and chose to have a child with a man who has a habit of going out & getting blind drunk, on his first work do after the baby is born he gets blind drunk and you're thinking of spending Christmas separately to him? Why didn't you just send him off to the party & tell him to enjoy it? Why did you put the midnight restriction on? Life doesn't end just because you had DC.
My DC1 was 7wo the day after DH's work do. He didn't get back until 3am, slept on the sofa & spent the next day in bed. I just got on with it. Knowing in advance this was likely to happen, I'd stocked up on easy food & had arranged to see an NCT friend whilst DH was sleeping it off. For 360 days a year, DH is fully hands on. After his works do and a few regular sports fixtures he goes to each year, he is useless - although has admittedly never gone so far as to pass out. I think he's entitled to go out & have some fun and I do the same a few nights a year too.

[Nonidentifyingnc]

I think you have to do what you said or he will never take you seriously again. Never threaten something that you are unwilling to follow through with.

I also think he needs to stop going out on the piss altogether - he has clearly demonstrated that he is unable to function like an adult when he does. Bailing him out of the shit is not your responsibility and in getting himself into such a state that you were forced to step in, he has imo given up the right to go out like responsible adults do. If he refused to stop going out I would be in ltb territory.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

Her husband promised he would be back by midnight - he shouldn't promise those things if he's not willing or able to stick to it.

No, life doesn't stop after you've had a baby, but as an adult who made a promise, he needs to accept the consequences. OP sounds tired and at the end of her tether with the whole thing - he made a promise and broke it. He needs to deal with it now.

It really doesn't matter whether your DH went out until 3am when you had a 7 week old, because presumably he didn't promise to be back by midnight, pass out at his works' do and get into such a state his boss had to call his wife because he couldn't be woken at 2am?

There is a difference between an agreed late night, where OP has agreed to look after baby the next day while he sleeps off a hangover, and being lied to, and being put in a situation where her husband has acted like an out of control teenager.

[DoreenLethal]

Although I think you maybe should have assessed this trait before you decided to have kids with him, of course if you issue an ultimatum you have to follow through or else it is a complete waste of an ultimatum.

Question really is though - is this a deal breaker?

[Nonidentifyingnc]

Thats, I consider it to be totally unacceptable to get so drunk that your boss has to phone your wife at 2am because he can't wake you up. Once your behaviour has an impact on other people, it has gone beyond going out and having a good time.

[RJnomore1]

It's not just getting in late and having a bit too much though is it. It's a grown man who is so unaware of his drinking limits his boss - how humiliating! - has to phone home because he is actually incapable of getting home, his wife has to get up at 2 am and try to sort out care for him while dealing with a really tiny baby and then his brother has to be called to look after him.

Being late and drunk is bad enough but not a LTB in my world. This though I am wobbling on. I doubt he deliberately thinks fuck you but if he can't control his drinking he should know by now and he needs to not drink at all. It's not just high jinks or a lads night out. He's lucky his boss took care of him or he could have been seriously hurt and he's lucky he didn't end up on a disciplinary for something he did while out of control.

Op just something I picked up on - I hope bil isn't peed off with you. It's his fault. Would he read him the riot act?

I'd be tempted to go. If he's really upset and sorry I'm sure he will get himself to you and the baby.

[ArmchairTraveller]

What made you believe he'd change?
His history is one of drunken binges, was before you got pregnant. So how long are you going to delude yourself that his promises are worth the breath?
Don't make threats/promises that you don't keep, either of you. You told him what the consequence would be, so do it.
Then seriously consider if you want to live this way for decades.

[Minikievs]

My STBXH used to do exactly this Obsidian had it spot on with her list of how it makes you feel. He'd even do this when I was with him, so a joint night out was always spent with me on permanent edge and feeling sick with dread. It isn't "every now and again". It's every time he goes out.
You have to think seriously if this is a deal breaker

[catfordbetty]

I think you should follow through only if you believe it will make a difference to his future behaviour. Is this the sort of shock that will bring about a permanent change in him? However, if you think he won't or can't change then you have to think about the longer term. Is this behaviour, ultimately, something you could never tolerate? If so, you'll have to make a future without him and that decision might need more reflection - give yourself time to do what's right for you. Finally, good luck - I know from bitter personal experience that dealing with a problem drinker can be an impossible, thankless task.