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AIBU?

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Original poster

My neighbour is making me so stressed i feel ill.

79 replies

systemusername · 22/10/2015 13:09

Lived in apartment for five years with dc who are teens.

About six months ago new single neighbour in their 60s moved to apartment underneath us.

FWIW I have lived in four apartments in last eight years and two houses before that and have never had a noise complaint.

New neighbour comes out of his apartment everytime I do. So if I go to the shop, work, bins etc he comes out. He always does it passive aggressively on the pretense of just bumping into me but it is everytime I leave the house and he always makes some comment of being able to hear the kids walking around, he brought his boys up to tiptoe etc. He has followed me round the shop before now.

We have carpet, rugs and do not wear shoes in the house. One dc is disabled so does drop things and sometimes run across the room which must be annoying but I instantly stop her from running.
The dc leave at 7am till 4.15pm and are in bed at nine. We are away every week from Friday night to Sunday night so literally he has less than 25 hours of us being in the house awake each week out of 168 hours!
They do not play music without headphones etc.
He has even made digs about hearing other teens walk past his house on the way to school.

He is making me feel anxious and trapped in my own home. I've spoken to landlord but nothing has changed.

OP posts:
PeasinPod1 · 22/10/2015 16:06

OP like someone else said I'd try putting headphones in or better coming out of house with mobile phone at your ear (just have voice mail playing) and when he approaches make an apologetic sorry am on phone face and continue walking, assertively away. Try not to engage with him again. Shut any conversation down, briskly and confidently.

Original poster
systemusername · 22/10/2015 16:43

The on the phone thing is a good idea thanks. I struggle to be assertive but definitely could do that.

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 22/10/2015 16:55

Tell him to stop bothering you every time you leave your house!

When I read things like this, it makes me realise that you really can't underestimate how important having decent neighbours is.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/10/2015 20:09

I struggle to be assertive just start with small manageable changes, things like sunglasses earbuds, a hat with a sun visor can all create a barrier which makes other people a bit less likely to get in your face

Amazemedontbeacunt · 23/10/2015 07:06

I don't understand why people live in a flat and complain about general noise. I live in a ground floor flat and suspect as well as children and a dog they have several small elephants up there too going good by the noise Grin not once have I complained. People need to walk children and dogs will run around and stuff will get dropped! YANBU your neighbour is!

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 23/10/2015 07:33

Next time he complains about teenagers, you could try saying brightly "you should try having having a nosy old man constantly harassing you, now THAT's a bad neighbour", laugh and walk off.

Or when he starts talking about your shopping (WTF?!), start examining his... "Ooh, chocolate eclairs, Mr Nosy? At your age? Are you sure that's sensible?"

if he mentions bringing up his boys again, laugh and say "oh yes, forgot you had children. They don't visit much, do they? Guess you reap what you sow"

If he complains about the noise, say "gosh, I am SO surprised that you chose to live in a downstairs flat, with such sensitive hearing. I guess next time you'll be looking for a house then?" Or "have you considered moving to a house/upstairs flat?"

If you turn every attack from him back onto him, on the same lines (disturbance/age/child rearing etc) he may well give up. He's got all day to think about what he's going to say next to you so has the advantage of attack. If you can turn it on him each time, he won't have prepared a response, he'll be on the back foot and by the time he's thought of something you'll have walked off and his bullying tactics will have backfired.

You shouldn't have to put on headphones etc - he's a bully and will know that he's getting to you. If you find it difficult to be assertive enough for the kind of responses above, as a PP suggested, just come up with a stuck record phrase which you repeat to everything. Hand up, palm out, "sorry, No time today!" repeated every day for a couple of weeks will send him the message.

Mistigri · 23/10/2015 07:33

I think earphones are a good idea.

Following you though - really? I think a chat with the police is in order. That's harrassment, and I think it is important to have a record of it in case it escalates.

carabos · 23/10/2015 09:40

I once worked for a developer of a large conversion scheme - old industrial buildings turned into pretty nice apartments. We sold a two bed to a young single mother of a baby (well her parents bought it but she lived there alone with the baby).

Within what felt like minutes of her moving in, her neighbour - single, much older man - was down at the marketing suite asking questions and having a moan. He seemed to think he had a right to know who was who, was there a young father involved who would cause trouble Hmm, how long was she staying (some of the flats were rented) and all the rest of it.

She said he behaved a bit like the OP's neighbour. If she would put her rubbish bag in the corridor while she got the baby into the buggy with the intention of dropping the bag down the chute as she passed, by the time she was ready to leave he would have knocked to tell her to move it. If she left the buggy in the corridor while she unloaded baby and stuff into apartment, he would knock and tell her to move it.

He did seem to be "policing" her. It was very unsettling, there wasn't a lot anyone could do about it, it certainly wasn't a police matter.

Same happened to my much younger sister. She moved into a very nice flat that my parents owned while she was in their city for a work contract. Again, older man neighbour, living alone. Again, every time she arrived or left, no matter what time of day or night (she worked shifts), he came out and moaned at her about something. She's pretty assertive and gave him what for, but the result of that was that he harrassed my parents to give her notice - he didn't know she was their daughter. My parents sold the flat when she left - they had planned to move into it themselves, but obviously were forewarned by his behaviour and changed their minds.

amarmai · 23/10/2015 14:05

There is a pattern emerging here of single older men who have lost the opportunity to exercise power at jobs, over wife and cc and seek to satisfy their need to be in charge over neighbors who are single women with children. They check whether there is a man in the mix as they want an easier victim and if that victim turns out not to be easy to bully and harass, they try to get her evicted. I am amazed at the sneakiness involved in all of this. What an eye opener.

DrasticAction · 23/10/2015 14:26

Next time he complains about teenagers, you could try saying brightly "you should try having having a nosy old man constantly harassing you, now THAT's a bad neighbour", laugh and walk off

^ hilllarious Grin

suzannecaravaggio · 23/10/2015 16:14

There is a pattern emerging here of single older men who have lost the opportunity to exercise power at jobs, over wife and cc and seek to satisfy their need to be in charge over neighbors who are single women with children

I think you're spot on with that analysis Amarmai!

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2015 16:26

Do you think he might just be lonely and that's all he can think of to talk about?
Maybe has MH problems?
Maybe just a weirdo stalker?
Sorry that's not very helpful Confused

amarmai · 23/10/2015 19:10

So if he has MH problems or is lonely are you pressuring the op to support him and tolerate his harassment and bullying ? NOT!

hiddenhome2 · 23/10/2015 19:13

Is he heck lonely Hmm

He's a bullying auld git.

pictish · 23/10/2015 19:32

You've got yourself a bona fide nosy neighbour OP. I've had one of those. Just brush him off. You mustn't sit there feeling afraid to leave the house, really. You need to stop engaging with him. You've said all you can say about it...so from now on "mm hmm" and "oh dear" will suffice as responses, if you feel you must give him one.

Generally ignore beyond the very basics of manners.

pictish · 23/10/2015 19:37

There is a pattern emerging here of single older men who have lost the opportunity to exercise power at jobs, over wife and cc and seek to satisfy their need to be in charge over neighbors who are single women with children

I think there's some truth in this, but I don't think it's just confined to men. My nosy neighbour was an older woman. Her son had emigrated to Oz (could see why) and she saw me (young mum) as somewhere to park all her bossy/maternal/meddling desires. She was out every time I was and moaning about this and that, like yours, and telling me how to look after my baby.

Basically it's the result of a frustrated person seeking a target for their authoritarian tendencies. I ended up telling mine to piss off, but I wish I had just breezed her from the beginning, rather than assume she was a normal person to be reasoned and engaged with.

MrsMolesworth · 23/10/2015 19:42

Please don't pander to him any more.

LumelaMme · 23/10/2015 19:56

I agree with a PP who said a charm offensive won't work. People like that (bitter prior experience) aren't interested in making friends. They're interested in controlling you into utter silence.

Keep a record, and go to environmental health. Then once you have been, you can say you have contacted them and understand you're not doing anything wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/10/2015 20:45

I absolutely agree with amarmai that "There is a pattern emerging here of single older men who have lost the opportunity to exercise power at jobs, over wife and cc and seek to satisfy their need to be in charge over neighbors who are single women with children."

OP, I think you need to STOP worrying about noise. It is absolutely not bothering him, it is just a convenient excuse he uses to crowbar himself into your head.

A couple of things you've posted:
"I struggle to be assertive" - and he's exploiting that. I think if you work on it, practice it, you'll find assertiveness will be your best friend.

"I've tried the friendly tact and he chatted me up!!" Eww. But useful, because it shows how he thinks. And confirms that friendly is NOT the way to go.

"New neighbour comes out of his apartment everytime I do. So if I go to the shop, work, bins etc he comes out. He always does it passive aggressively on the pretense of just bumping into me but it is everytime I leave the house and he always makes some comment of being able to hear the kids walking around, he brought his boys up to tiptoe etc. He has followed me round the shop before now."
This is, I'm afraid, where you would want to be assertive. He is depending on you being polite, and bullyable. So you need to be impolite and hard-faced. I know, it will take practice.

So when he comes out, say something along the lines of 'What a surprise, I leave the house, and you appear. You do realise it's very noticable, and no, it's not 'just bumping into me' it's deliberate. Stalking, in fact.' And I would deliberately use the word 'stalking'. Any reference to noise, cut him short, don't even let him finish the sentence just talk over him. 'Any noise from our flat is normal, if it's such a problem go to the council and get them on to me, until you do I don't want to hear about it any more.'

Remember - THERE IS NO NOISE PROBLEM. There really isn't. I'm so sorry he's stressing you out, but he will only stop when you stand up to his behaviour. You need to call him on it, ASAP.

ohtheholidays · 23/10/2015 21:14

I know you shouldn't have to but the next time he starts following you around tell him that your boyfriend had mentioned seeing this man following you around and was concerned and then tell him you said to your boyfriend oh don't worry about him he's old enough to be my Grandad and then laugh.

Hopefully him thinking that you have a boyfriend that's spotted him and has been watching him added onto the fact that you've driven home that he's a very old man compared to you will hopefully be enough to stop the annoying sod.

Littlef00t · 23/10/2015 21:42

To be honest I wouldn't be polite or play games. If he tries to engage you in conversation About the noise, I would say curtly, yes you've mentioned it before, we do our best and you'll have to accept it as it is. I don't really have time for you as your complaining is tiresome.

goodasitgets · 23/10/2015 21:49

I would completely ignore him. Maybe write down dates times etc and what has happened but say nothing to him
Someone tried it with me, complaining about various things until one day a male relative was there. He hasn't complained since
Just walk past and ignore him

Original poster
systemusername · 24/10/2015 05:25

Thank you everyone. Sorry for the delay in replying. I am not home thankfully but signal is rubbish here.

He isn't lonely i don't think, he has male mates who come around, siblings etc. I do know he is divorced.

OP posts:
Original poster
systemusername · 24/10/2015 05:27

I have a six foot four heavily built friend goodasitgets. Maybe i should invite him to swap for a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
LimitedSedition · 24/10/2015 05:53

Is he coming out because he hears the door go or because he can see you? If it's because he hears the door, I'd be opening it randomly a couple of times and not going out. That might cool it down a bit. As for the police issue, if he is harassing you (and I think he is) you could call for advice or speak to your neighbourhood wardens if you have them. Following you round the shop is just creepy.