What to do next really awkward situation mil

[Knitknatknot]

Posted before- I need help with way forward pls.
Long story short- dh went nc with his sis 2 yrs ago due to her behaviour (sulking, controlling, aggressive). Through this his dsis not happy and made this clear toward dh and me online. We tried to keep mil out of it as she's very close to his dsis (holidays, daytrips etc) so we didn't say anything negative to her about her dd.
Over time mil has tried to reconcile the two it hasn't worked and dh has ended up with more abuse from his dsis so he asked his mum to stay out of it altogether.
We married recently when mil found out her dd wouldn't be invited she went nuclear at dh and me- shouting at me even though I was pregnant. She was awful and vicious all in front of our toddler dd :(
She refuses to apologise to me.
I have basically avoided her since our wedding as I can't get over some of the things she said to dh and me. She blames me entirely got the situation with her dd even though I didn't know the half of it for months.

Anyway the awkward bit- I have been able to avoid her and go out when she visits but about to give birth and I will be feeding dc again so obviously I can't pop out in the same way. I feel she should see the child but I feel weird about being around someone who obviously has so much anger towards me.

[Fannyupcrutch]

It is completely and utterly up to your husband to sort this wretched woman out. And for the record, my children do not step foot where I am no longer welcome or comfortable myself. You have no idea what she could be saying to your kids and if somebody couldn't respect ME and show due civility in front of MY children, they wouldn't be getting the chance to display any bad behaviour in front of MY children.

You seem to be mistaking her for close family, this woman has treated you terribly and your close family is your husband and children. You are doing her the favour and this means that she is getting the upper hand over you and is never, ever going to respect you. She apologises, and you both wipe the slate clean and she acts like a god damned adult or does not see her grandchild. End of!

[Greengardenpixie]

As fanny says.
I was in a similar situation with my own mother. it was the other way around. My mum acted appaulingly to me and my dh when i told her i was pregnant with my ds. He told me that she wasnt welcome in the house and she would not let her see her grandchildren until she sorted it out. I spoke to my mum and said this and at first she refused to apologise to me or to my dh. Drawing closer to the birth, i spoke to her again and she apologised to both me and my dh. The boundaries are defined and we can all move on from it. S~he needs to apologise. She has the greatest to lose.Get your dh to speak to her and sort it out.

[Grapejuicerocks]

Dh should be saying - " it was all between me and sil. Knit had nothing to do with it and was treated very unfairly by you. She feels justifiably hurt and upset by it all and its up to you to put things right. I'm sure she's decent enough to meet you halfway. But if you want to see the new baby and have any decent sort of relationship with her and the kids, you need to make that first move. She's not telling me to say this, it's just how I see it."

A very strong and clear message to her.

[EponasWildDaughter]

If she wanted to apologise she would have found a way.

Why can't DH just take the DCs to him mums for a couple of hours every couple of weeks? Gives you a bit of peace.

Obviously while DC2 is very little this will have to be a flying visit, or just DC1.

I honestly think if my mother had behaved like this towards my husband i would be more than happy to keep her at arms length and just take the kids round for a (duty) visit every so often. I would NOT expect DH to have to go out or upstairs to accommodate her visiting, and would be happy to ban her from the house.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Oh, and as for the situation between your DH and his sister - yes, i agree, it's his business and he needs to tell his mother that.

I'd be asking for that from your DH. Plus asking that she stays away. Let him do the duty visits with the DCs.

[practisemakesperfect]

You are not going to get an apology so you need to stop focusing on this. The reason why you won't get one is because you have squared up to her DD and she will always take her side even if she is completely in the wrong. Even if MIL likes you, her DD comes 1st through to millionth on her list and you are not family. If her DD is venting to her about you, MIL will take that all on board and support her. You MIL didn't keep out of it despite what she says. She will have listened to her DD and bitched about you to the high heavens. I know this because I have been in your position.

I have rather a large amount of pride and self respect and will not let my PIL/SIL treat me like that and especially in front of my DC. I have taken 3 massive steps back and let DH deal with them. Apparently I am "not family" so I don't need to treat them as such do I? This means that S/PIL are no longer invited on our family holidays, weekends away and day trips. Their social life has taken a nose dive as a result. MIL has turned into a sad old lady who is disappointed in the way things have turned out but she still won't take me aside and say lets start over. When she stood there and said "she's my DD and no matter what, I have to take her side and you are not family" she took a very long rope and hung herself with it and sacrificed a great relationship with us and the only DGC she has.

[Pseudo341]

Why is she being allowed to treat you like this? If she can't be nice to you she's not welcome in your house. No way would I be leaving my own home so someone who was nasty to me could visit. If she can't be nice to you she shouldn't be allowed in your home.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

You need to start your own thread, not post on other people's. I believe there is a petitions section.

[Brioche201]

I think you all need your heads banging together!
Your DH doesn't talk to his sister because she sulks (what is teh difference?)
Your MIL? Well, surely everyone is allowed one unreasonable outburst in 10 years? It sounds as though she came round the next day to make the peace and your DH said you were not ready to accept an apology? Have I got that right?
I think your MIL is in an impossible situation trapped between her DD and her DS.Have you any idea how upsetting that must make her? You can't expect her to choose between her DC!! Now your DH is trapped between his DM and you.That must be miserable for him.
Come on, family bust ups happen.You have to accept people have their flaws and move on.

[LittleBairn]

Why is she seeing the children at all? If she is too abusive for an adult o b around then she is too abusiv to be around children.
You are giving your toddler confused boundaries over the continued prescence of his grandmother who verbally attacked his mother.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

AnnaPaula3 please read the site rules and how to post a thread of your own in an appropriate section.

Mumsnet has a lot of support for people who are disabled, parents of children with disabilities, illnesses and/ or special needs. But you need to engage properly with posters, or it just seems like spam.

Also I'd suggest articulating what you stand for, what cause you are supporting, drawing attention to, or wanting to change. Also it might help if you explained the purpose of your petition and a link to it. And no one is going to type something into Google that someone anonymous poster suggests, it wouldn't be wise.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

OP I also think you should stop holding out for an apology, if she really felt bad about ranting at you, then she wouldn't be playing these ridiculous games about 'withdrawing' the apology in umbrage.

Currently your MIL has no reason to behave nicely to you, as she's getting everything she wants, her family minus you, access to grand children without the annoying mother in the way etc. Why would she apologise? Your DH needs to change the situation by making it non negotiable that you are included as a member of his family, and if she can't control herself or behave in a civil manner, then she shouldnt be invited into your home or encouraged into the family.

By the current pleading for apology yet accepting any behaviour from her, your DH is allowing her to cut you out of his family. He may not see it like that, or mean for that to happen, but that is the result.

Good luck.

[glasgowlass]

AnnePaula3 really not on to try to hijack thread. Start your own, you'll get more response.

OP I think that you know if she needs to be told to apologise then if one is forthcoming it's not a true apology. I would not let this woman in my house. I also avoid my MIL. My life is so much better for it. I really hope you reach a solution that will benefit you. Do not do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable...especially in your own home.

[practisemakesperfect]

Currently your MIL has no reason to behave nicely to you, as she's getting everything she wants, her family minus you, access to grand children without the annoying mother in the way etc. Why would she apologise? Your DH needs to change the situation by making it non negotiable that you are included as a member of his family, and if she can't control herself or behave in a civil manner, then she shouldnt be invited into your home or encouraged into the family.

Read that again and again and again OP. Misc has hit the nail on the head.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Do not ever leave or hide in your own home when she visits; it is your family home, the heart of your family unit!!! Never compromise on that.

If she causes animosity she will not be given the privilege to visit your family and your dh can see her outside your home. When she does visit, be there and as long as she is civil, you be civil too. This means she is stuck with you and not having cosy little meet ups in your home with your dh and you dc.

Tell your dh if she in any disrespects your home or family unit you expect it to be handled immediately and her to be asked to leave. Zero tolerance to dramas/snide or pa remarks/atmosphere's in front of your dc. Make sure your dh is straight with her and if she cant behave there will be consequences. If she acts like a sulky child she will be treated as one.

I would forget about the apology as that's never going to happen, but if your dh is supportive of you she will dig her own grave when it comes to the relationship with your family.

[louisejxxx]

I'm confused as to why you're getting all the abuse when the issue is between your dh and dsil? That would be what I'd want to know.

[CrapBag]

Your DH should actually be telling her that she isn't welcome in your home until she shows you some respect. How dare she shout at you, refuse to apologise but still be allowed in your home and you are forced to go out or avoid her. Her poor behaviour caused this and your DH needs to step up.

I also don't believe that people who behave in a shitty way have any rights to family relationships, no matter who they are.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Agreed crapbag.

My eldest DC's partner - 'K' - doesn't get on with their sibling. It's hard to believe they've grown up in the same family, how different they are from each other, and 'K' wants to go nc with this sibling now.

I feel sorry for 'K's mum, who is a nice lady stuck in the middle of her children. It makes her sad, but just accepts that they are both adults and will or wont learn to get along as time goes by.

If my DC and K decide to marry (which might happen) i don't think they'd invite this sibling.

If the mum had a go at my DC about it (the way your MIL has torn into you, OP) i'd be bloody livid! I'd expect 'K' to put her straight and there's no way i'd expect my DC to put up with having to hide in their own house.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

FIL yelled at one of my DC, Dh stood up and prevented FiL from hitting her (6) and MIl was very upset - SIl took this as my fault, i wasnt in the room, and she went hell bent slagging me off. Apparently FIL had every right yo disaplin DC ... so I can see how this happened. PIL refused to visit ... 6 years now, and MiL died.
Sad that they refused to accept our children, our rules, our house.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Crapbag has it in one. Your DH has to tell his mother (no matter how recent or long it is since the incident) that if his mother isn't going to show you some respect then she isn't welcome in your (that would be your DH, you and your children's) house.
She has to apologise. No questions about that.

She will be cutting off her nose to spite her face and the longer she leaves it the more awkward it will be when ever it does happen. But it needs to happen.

[stoppingbywoods]

I agree. If you are not going to just forget it then your DH will have to let your MIL know there will be no contact until she has sorted this out with you. It's not a good idea to have different contact arrangements for her within your own family. As things stand, you are the isolated one and your MIL has nothing to gain by apologising. Her position is better as a result of your choices.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The trouble is that it's not really an apology you need - it's a complete change of mindset, and it doesn't sound as if that's likely

I had this myself, and before going completely NC I had to listen to endless "but she apologised!!" while the continued abuse even after that was ignored

Either she can adjust her dreadful mindset or not; if the latter, I'd personally insist on DH doing visits to her place alone in future and avoid exposing your DC to this horrible atmosphere

[derxa]

What Brioche said. Honestly all this huffing and flouncing is terrible. It sounds as if you all have too little to bother you. And you shouldn't be hiding in your own house.

[Knitknatknot]

Brioche and Derxa I wish I could have banged sil and dh heads together early doors before things escalated but her being aggresive and the way she's carried on I can understand why he eventually had to go nc- this was over the course of several months not an easy snap decision btw.
This thread has given me food for thought- I've given myself some time but you're all right avoiding her can't go on forever and it will very much suit her rather than me when I'm out if the way- so that can stop right now.