What to do next really awkward situation mil

[Knitknatknot]

Posted before- I need help with way forward pls.
Long story short- dh went nc with his sis 2 yrs ago due to her behaviour (sulking, controlling, aggressive). Through this his dsis not happy and made this clear toward dh and me online. We tried to keep mil out of it as she's very close to his dsis (holidays, daytrips etc) so we didn't say anything negative to her about her dd.
Over time mil has tried to reconcile the two it hasn't worked and dh has ended up with more abuse from his dsis so he asked his mum to stay out of it altogether.
We married recently when mil found out her dd wouldn't be invited she went nuclear at dh and me- shouting at me even though I was pregnant. She was awful and vicious all in front of our toddler dd :(
She refuses to apologise to me.
I have basically avoided her since our wedding as I can't get over some of the things she said to dh and me. She blames me entirely got the situation with her dd even though I didn't know the half of it for months.

Anyway the awkward bit- I have been able to avoid her and go out when she visits but about to give birth and I will be feeding dc again so obviously I can't pop out in the same way. I feel she should see the child but I feel weird about being around someone who obviously has so much anger towards me.

[Knitknatknot]

Yes if she was civil maybe we could go back to that but what I'm saying is she literally cannot be civil to me since the argument. At the wedding she refused to speak to me and complained loudly that she wasn't able to see (our) dd enough.
Suppose I could try once more and see if she can get through one meeting without attacking me.

[reni2]

You do not need to know that. If a situation arises where she behaves inappropriately in front of your dc, just say "don't do that please, MIL". Cross that bridge if/ when you come to it. Be bigger than that, allow your kids their gm and be polite but distant.

[Knitknatknot]

I know but fundamentally I need to know that she understands that behaviour was wrong because whether I'm here or not I don't dont want a repeat performance in front of my child. Her behaviour at wedding shows she doesn't care what we think ATM which concerns me. I do want to get back to normal but I feel like things need to be said first.

[reni2]

I would step away from the apology demand myself. An apology for something like this is super-embarrassing for all concerned, most cringe-worthy for the recipient. She knows she didn't behave great, everybody was there. Let that slight embarrassment be enough and go back to detached civility. In the absence of physical or emotional abuse flouncing and sulking is best left to children and teenagers, you have bigger fish to fry.

[Knitknatknot]

Honestly I would have accepted the apology there and then- I didn't know about it as I had hosp app dh told me after- so I was expecting an apology up to the wedding which didn't happen. Then she behaved badly at the wedding I ignored it as I didn't want anymore arguements and obviously I haven't seen her since.

[reni2]

she's normally perfectly civil and we have a distant but polite relationship

Go back to that, stop hiding. She came to apologise, you didn't want it then, you won't need it now. Let DH and DSIL sulk, MIL will eventually stop trying to reconcile them.

[Knitknatknot]

She didn't apologise to me I didn't know she had offered.
Mil had been fully aware of situation all the way through seen the various messages, has witnessed the arguments

[Only1scoop]

To be honest if your mil had been kept slightly in the dark re the situation between you and sil.... then she was probably shocked that she wasn't invited to the wedding.

Life is way too short for all this silliness. Sounds as though it's ending up all way too dramatic. She came to apologise you didn't want to hear it at that time. I'd just get on with it for the sake of your immediate family.

You don't have to like her.

[Knitknatknot]

He said he wanted to put her straight there and then but for the last few visits Ive specifically said to him do not argue in front of dd again- if you're mum starts change the subject or ask her to leave- so he changed the subject and will speak to her at the weekend when they are alone.

[Grapejuicerocks]

What did he actually say to her when she said that? He should have put her straight right away. ie. "Actually it's the other way round"

If he just brushed it off then he needs to look at why he couldn't tell her straight.

[Knitknatknot]

Thank you both good points. I've spoken to dh he said he's going to chat with her this weekend and doesn't want me to be stressed about it.
I just wanted some kind of normality before this baby comes but that's not going to happen now. I feel sorry for DH.

[WandaFuca]

Knit - you are already being blamed. And if it wasn't you, it'd be your husband, or the milkman, or the tooth fairy . Neither your MIL or SIL seem like they could think that they might be to blame, so it has to be someone else.

CrapBag has made some very important points that are well worth focusing on.

[CrapBag]

If the sort of relationship you wanted has never happened, it's unlikely to so you will need to let that go and deal with the facts.

Someone who doesn't respect you as the mother has no right to a relationship with her GC. Did she know you were shopping? Why is she putting this at your feet saying "the longer knot leaves it...?" She is the one at fault although she clearly fails to see this. I'd let your DH tell her she isn't welcome anymore. He needs to stand up to her and maybe, just maybe she will realise. Until,he does she has no reason to change. If he does and she continues as she is, then she isn't worth it and is not the type of GP your children need anyway.

[Knitknatknot]

I hadn't thought of it like that wanda I've been trying to think of ways forward still seeing mil and keeping her in the GC lives but I probably need to think about it all- my reservations are the fall out as I will be blamed (but that's not a good enough reason is it). I'm sad about the relationship I wanted inlaws to have with my dd and baby on way but that's never happened anyway.

[WandaFuca]

dh has said it's getting to a point where he doesn't want to see her

I think you have to take your DH's response on board very seriously. It sounds like a rather toxic family setup, and that your DH has had enough of them. I'd guess that the MIL/SIL relationship has always been the important one, and your DH has always come second to that. And that might also be the case for your DC once they fail to play the doting grandchild role.

It's very difficult for people who have experienced a good family dynamic to understand that some families just don't work that way. If your DH wants to go NC with his family, please support him in that, as that might be what he's been wanting to do for some time.

[Knitknatknot]

Further update- she came round while I was shopping and told dh that 'the longer knot leaves it the more awkward it will be for her when she has to see me'
I can't win can I? I'm dealing with someone with no self awareness whatso ever.
Im at a loss now- dh has said it getting to a point where he doesn't want to see her- I just want all this sorted out but its impossible :(

[amarmai]

she did not care about your child hearing what she said to you while pregnant. How do know what else she cd say to your cc about you if she is allowed to see them with you not present?

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Good luck with it all but def don't let her chase you out of your own home

[Knitknatknot]

Brioche and Derxa I wish I could have banged sil and dh heads together early doors before things escalated but her being aggresive and the way she's carried on I can understand why he eventually had to go nc- this was over the course of several months not an easy snap decision btw.
This thread has given me food for thought- I've given myself some time but you're all right avoiding her can't go on forever and it will very much suit her rather than me when I'm out if the way- so that can stop right now.

[derxa]

What Brioche said. Honestly all this huffing and flouncing is terrible. It sounds as if you all have too little to bother you. And you shouldn't be hiding in your own house.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The trouble is that it's not really an apology you need - it's a complete change of mindset, and it doesn't sound as if that's likely

I had this myself, and before going completely NC I had to listen to endless "but she apologised!!" while the continued abuse even after that was ignored

Either she can adjust her dreadful mindset or not; if the latter, I'd personally insist on DH doing visits to her place alone in future and avoid exposing your DC to this horrible atmosphere

[stoppingbywoods]

I agree. If you are not going to just forget it then your DH will have to let your MIL know there will be no contact until she has sorted this out with you. It's not a good idea to have different contact arrangements for her within your own family. As things stand, you are the isolated one and your MIL has nothing to gain by apologising. Her position is better as a result of your choices.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Crapbag has it in one. Your DH has to tell his mother (no matter how recent or long it is since the incident) that if his mother isn't going to show you some respect then she isn't welcome in your (that would be your DH, you and your children's) house.
She has to apologise. No questions about that.

She will be cutting off her nose to spite her face and the longer she leaves it the more awkward it will be when ever it does happen. But it needs to happen.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

FIL yelled at one of my DC, Dh stood up and prevented FiL from hitting her (6) and MIl was very upset - SIl took this as my fault, i wasnt in the room, and she went hell bent slagging me off. Apparently FIL had every right yo disaplin DC ... so I can see how this happened. PIL refused to visit ... 6 years now, and MiL died.
Sad that they refused to accept our children, our rules, our house.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Agreed crapbag.

My eldest DC's partner - 'K' - doesn't get on with their sibling. It's hard to believe they've grown up in the same family, how different they are from each other, and 'K' wants to go nc with this sibling now.

I feel sorry for 'K's mum, who is a nice lady stuck in the middle of her children. It makes her sad, but just accepts that they are both adults and will or wont learn to get along as time goes by.

If my DC and K decide to marry (which might happen) i don't think they'd invite this sibling.

If the mum had a go at my DC about it (the way your MIL has torn into you, OP) i'd be bloody livid! I'd expect 'K' to put her straight and there's no way i'd expect my DC to put up with having to hide in their own house.